GET SOCIAL #7: CONFIDENCE

Get Social! #7
Today: Confidence

Confidence is a huge topic. Confidence, for me, generally means : loving yourself, standing behind yourself, trusting and knowing your abilities, knowing what you need and want - and then acting according to that.



It's all kinds of good things, and you can use it anywhere and anytime. Yet it's something we are all supposed to somehow "have", or just "start doing", but few people give us a clue about what it means, nevermind what we can do to get closer to it! So here is a quick introduction to what I believe may be useful to know. There is a lot more you could note or do. There certainly are many different ways to approach this, too.
Now, before you can change anything, you need to accept how you and things are. We all start somewhere. It's fine to not love yourself. It just makes a couple of things harder for you.

First of : We derive confidence from a lot of different things. This gist is something I first picked up from Matthew Hussey, but I have seen it mirrored many a time across different sites.
It can be superficial stuff like possessions we have, people we have in our lives who we are proud of, and anything of the sort.

It can then go a little bit deeper to what skills we have - our job we are good at, our intelligence, our beauty, our planning skills, patience, endurance, diligence.

Or it can go to our very core to who we are - when we just love us as we are at any time, and love us for just being there with us and for us, you have a very very strong foundation.

Now the last stage aside, we tend to focus on very few things out of the many available, and this can be very dangerous. It is also very dangerous to focus only on what you can lose or what may change - your possessions, your friends.
If you focus all on work and then lose work .. you fall into a pit although you could technically just get another one. Yet if it becomes who you are and an integral part of your identity - it gets ugly.
If you focus only on your sportsy ability and then end up injured and unable to continue this - it gets ugly.

To avoid and counter this -

1. Identify and Cultivate a range of things to be proud of!

Instead of just investing into one activity, one job, one hobby, one friend. Create a net of things you are invested and interested in.
Go out with the friend you usually just rarely meet.
If you always wanted to try an instrument, or draw, or write .. go try and practice.
Like photography? Go out there sometimes and just take great shots of your neighborhood.
This is not about about slacking off on something that is important. You want to invest in the things important to you, but you need to make sure you have other interests and investments. They need not be big, but spending 10 minutes a day trying out something different can already do the trick to shift your focus to include more in your life.
Trying out and cultivating different aspects of yourself also makes you happier with what you do. Even just paying attention to the way you dress and present yourself to the world can help to make you feel a little bit more confident.

It also reaches further to who you are and what you can do. You can be very proud of your intelligence, or your creative imagery, but I bet that is not the only trait you have!
Not paying attention to them, of course, can make you lose sight of them. So if you can't "find" anything yourself, ask friends or relatives what kind of traits and skills they like in you and write them down (yes, grab a piece of paper and remind yourself).
Look over the list, put it away, and then revisit it every now and then.


2. Love yourself!

Now this a goal. It's easy to say you want to start loving yourself .. but how do you do it? The easy answer would be to start acting more like you already loved yourself. What you want it to be. That one you need no deep reflection for, but it will get you closer to that already.

Think about how other people treat themselves, people you respect and admire in the way they do - imagine how you treat other people. Then imagine how you treat yourself. Are you being fair towards yourself?
So often we throw the worst insults at ourselves that we would never dare to say to our worst enemies. When we are feeling down we trample on it, asking ourselves "Why are you already tired, you didn't even do anything yet!" and a common cycle begins slowly guiding us down a bad place.

If you see yourself repeating an unconscious and well-trained circle - catch yourself, even with a "Hah, I've already heard that!". Often times it is more of a common thought pattern we fall back into, identifying it and stopping yourself when you do can help to stop before you hit the ground. You will still be going downstairs, but you can step out before you reach the cellar.

And then try to say kinder things to yourself instead. Imagine what you would say to a friend in that situation .. I bet it would be different. Talking to yourself in such a way may appear weird at first, but we do have different trains of thoughts - and thus "voices", so that is actually a natural thing to do.
Words are powerful tools. You can actually use just a phrase as affirmation to repeat as often as you need for it to stick. The common problem is that while we "know" in our thoughts we are as good a person as others, we don't "feel" that way. And usually negative thoughts follow negative feelings. Using thoughts mindfully can help to lead with your thoughts and have your feelings follow eventually.

I'd like to remind you that you yourself are the best partner you can ever have. The only one who is always and 100% behind you, anywhere, anytime. And the one doing what you need. Noone else can fill that role, so try to act towards yourself with that in mind. "It's alright, you had a long day, you're tired."
Struggling with chronic disease, a "even when I am tired, I still love myself" as a phrase to repeat senselessly when I felt like crap actually really helped. It is mindboggingly simple, and effective.

You may not be where you want to be in life. You may not be as successful as you wanted to be, as diligent, as skilled, as patient. You may not get the work done you set out to do - but that is due to bad habits, needing to delegate energy elsewhere (depression seems like you get nothing done - when in fact every day is a fight and struggle for the little things), baggage and hurt, and at worst tripping yourself.
But you, as a self, as a person, at your core and your possibilities are as perfect as you can be. You may not be able to draw from that, you may be in disarray, but you are worth loving. Always. The idea is to accept what is there, and then try to use what you have well.
And you are also alright just where you are. You are where you are, how you are. Really, there is no need to justify anything. Whatever the reasons may be - fact is - things are as they are. Learning to accept this helps a great deal to be kinder to yourself and others, and understand better what to do from there.


3. Respect Yourself!

With love can come respect, but I'd very much urge to keep both separate in mind.
Respect means to have standards to adhere to - if someone oversteps your boundaries, if they insult you or are mean to you, you act on it and point it out.
This is not so much about social norms, or what "everyone" or "anyone" would expect. It is about what you, personally, expect other people to treat you like - and offer to treat the others like as well.
Some people may be fine with jokes poking at them, but if you are not fine with them, you will stand up for it. That is self-respect.

Many many people who aim to be "liked" above all, set their own standards back because they fear disagreement. They may be well-liked, but they are rarely ever respected as much as they would like to.
Strangely, while we fear people will dislike us when we disagree or say "no" or just step up for yourselves, we would accept such behaviour from other people - and in fact, if other people stood up for themselves, it will on the contrary make us respect and admire them more.

The key to this is to keep it a small issue - if you point out what you want and need right on the spot, and in a calm or a way that is proportional to the issue. (it's 100% fine to be angry if someone insults you. It's not okay to start punching someone bloody if they insult you).
This is not about the other person, it's about what you want for yourself. Your standards. Some people keep it all to themselves until they explode into a raging ball, some just take it all, or try to get it out elsewhere. Both is far from ideal.
This can be very hard to do, but only practice can really help with it. Keep the sting in mind and react to it when someone does overstep your boundaries, and keep in mind how fine you are with other people stepping up. You will get mixed and negative reactions as you are "different" than you were before, but if you do it anyway it will be accepted and expected just like anything else you do. Push through that resistance.

Of course, to point out your standards, you need to know what they actually are. This may take some time to discover as well, and often you will need to readjust them later.


4. Know what you want!

If you don't know what you want, you will end up with a lot you don't.

To get to know this, just paying more attention and becoming more mindful is key. Think about why you enjoy what you do - this will give you far greater insights about what you are like than just what you enjoy (great to keep in mind trying to get to know other people, too!).
If someone offends you, why are you offended? Perhaps they hurt your pride, perhaps they ignored you and what you were saying, or they were simple rude. This also helps to then formulate something to stand up for yourself

(Others may be different, but I really dislike being ignored. You can critize me, disagree or agree with me - but please refer to what I was actually saying - for example)

There is a lot we "should" want, or that is portrayed as desirable, but not everything we are taught is desirable .. actually is diserable for us.
I have seen guiding lists helping you break down your career and life-goals in life into core ideas or goals - like "control", "spirituality", "growth"
Like this one.

That's your job to do, like it or not.
Pay attention to what really makes you feel happy or good, and what does not. It will help you.
Deep into depression or similar this is even more difficult to achieve when your sense of feeling is dulled - in this case, if you can't see clearly, try to get a friend or family member aboard to remind yourself and ask if you are good at X, or have x trait.

All that said, I hope this gives a little bit of an idea of what to do.
Here a few nice things mentioned:

1. Write down positive traits and abilities you think you have
2. Ask friends/family what positive traits they think you have, write them down
3. Try patting your back for when do you good, and have a few kind phrases at hand when you do not.
4. Practice mindfulness in what you actually like and dislike
5. Then pay attention to why you do and note down what you want for yourself

And - patience. Things will not suddenly turn around, but every step counts. It is something that needs to be learned like anything else.