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Stream of consciousness - Of depression and regrets

  • Marrend
  • 08/18/2014 12:11 PM
  • 4093 views
I sometimes regret making this gamepage public. Or, perhaps, it's more a question is in framing the story as an interactive experience. I find such thoughts ironic, as it is in the emotion of regret that this whole idea is ultimately spawned from. It's not like I didn't know this would be a difficult thing for me to work on. I knew that by tackling this regret head-on, I would, inevitably, get depressed. Maybe that depression seeped into other places.

There is also the recent reviews of Chance Encounter that are getting to me. Or, perhaps, it would be more accurate to say that I'm allowing them to get to me. I'm allowing them to sink me ever deeper into this depression, until I just give up on this game. Maybe even game-making in general.

It's not easy to fight all this off, or to talk about the source of regrets where this game spawned from. I dunno. I don't technically have to write any relevant-to-this-issue dialog/writing in-game for a while yet, but, I absolutely dread it's inevitable coming.

Posts

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Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
I will probably throw this into the "What are you thinking now?" thread, but, this seems a really good place to put it:

A heart seeks forgiveness and redemption. What happens to said heart when there is none to be found? Would it not spiral into despair? Would that despair not lead to self-destruction? Yet, dignity and honor remain. This is why you stand against us. Not because we are "in your way", but because you are seeking a way to die with what honor and decency you have left.
unity
You're magical to me.
12540
I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling bad, and that recent reviews have gotten you down. I don't know if I can say anything that can cheer you up, but I will say that you inspire me with your work, and that I personally think it would be a real loss if you decided to quit game-making.

I hope you can find a way to hang in there and keep doing what you love doing. Because you deserve to feel better.
Regrets are an awful thing. Depression even more so.
And the worst thing is that there is little one, especially we on the outside can do.

Still, I admire your constant effort to continue working and helping here on the boards and I wish you the very best on overcoming this.
The thing about regrets is that we ourselves need to forgive us for what we did. Others can help us to take this burden from us, but it inevitably is our choice to regret.
It is something we did at a time. It most likely is something you wouldn't do as the "you" you are right.
So the difficult task ahead is to give this memory a different meaning. A different lesson. Not the meaning of a dreadful awful thing you did and was,something that made you go through hell and that you survived despite that, something that helped you to become the person you are right now, bettering yourself so that you would never make that mistake again.
This is obviously all my personal opinion based on my experience.

It might be a different meaning to you, but I hope you can get this burden off your heart somehow. Keep fighting!
NeverSilent
Got any Dexreth amulets?
6280
I am very sorry to hear you are going through such pains, and even more sorry if my review of Chance Encounter contributed to that. Please know that, no matter what criticism I uttered, I never intended to question your capability as a game developer or hurt you as a person.
From what I have seen so far, I am pretty sure we have quite different opinions on what makes a good game, but nothing could be further from my mind than trying to discourage you from game making. If anything, I hoped to encourage you to keep improving.
And unity and Kylaila are right: You do not deserve to suffer. It is not wrong to learn from past experiences and difficulties, but you should not allow them to destroy you, because there will still be thousands of chances for you to take in the present and future.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
Oh, I totally recognize that I'd be a different person if things had happened differently. Not to mention that this game wouldn't even exist without the events in question transpiring the way they did. Saying that, turning it around into something positive is partially what this was supposed to be about. However, I guess it's not just about my issues with what I'm writing about in this blog. I dunno, I guess the best way to say it (even if it is annoyingly vague) would be to say that it's a combination of factors that are very difficult to write, or talk, about.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
Okay, let's just take this game one day at a time. As long as something gets done, whither it be a portion of a map, or mulling over game-balance, it'll get there.

Now, before I go to Konae's page to set that to "haitus" (It will still be a while before I get back to it), I'd like to thank you guys for your support! And, uh, sorry for being such a mess.
unity
You're magical to me.
12540
It happens. I'm just glad that you seem to be feeling better :D
Exactly. Nothing to apologize for :) It's strong enough to face and admit it, and even tell us about it. Good luck!
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
I'm taking some advise from a good friend, and trying to ignore the voices that say "I can't do this," amongst other things. To rise above the negative thoughts, and prove that I can do it, after all. To put it another way...

You do not know what you can do until you try.

Truth! A good friend indeed.
unity
You're magical to me.
12540
Indeed. I often find the only things keeping me depressed are my own negative thoughts, and if I can get passed those and get myself moving, then things aren't so bad.
Red_Nova
Sir Redd of Novus: He who made Prayer of the Faithless that one time, and that was pretty dang rad! :D
9192
I'll just leave this here...

author=Marrend
YOU CAN'T RUN FROM GAM MAK!

EDIT: More seriously:

author=Marrend
...To rise above the negative thoughts, and prove that I can do it, after all....

Looking at that long list of games on your profile, I'd say that not only can you do it, you have done it. Multiple times. I would tell you to have a bit more faith in yourself, but I see that I'm a bit late to this party.

... Aw, screw it. I'll say it anyway: Have some more faith in yourself!
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
author=Red_Nova
author=Marrend
YOU CAN'T RUN FROM GAM MAK!



Darigaaz, I remember that quote. That was me?

Aside: That quote should totally be a tag-line.
I'm commenting because this blog post keeps popping up in the recent and I keep ending up here without saying anything:

Re: reviews etc getting to you:
Generally speaking dissatisfaction or a degree of self-opprobrium regarding what you have made is good, as long as it doesn't turn into a sort of ritualistic self-flagellation. Dissatisfaction is the compass that will lead you to what needs to be torn down and rebuilt or improved in order to actually attain the goals you have. Not just in a single project but within your entire "making things" endeavor.

That is awl.
Hey Marrend, I just wanted to stop by to let you know I'm sure we all still hold an immense amount of confidence in you. There was an exchange you and I had back while Game Chill was still going on, which I will admit put me through similar anxieties, and yet it is that exchange that I actually found as the most valuable I've had on this site so far. At that moment I may have been wording everything with levelheadedness, but to be honest all of it was trying to hide this lump in my throat, this feeling that my work served only to be a disappointment to the audience and myself so to speak. But as you've mentioned above, I had a choice between investing that energy into my panic, or turning it into something positive. That conversation may have not been long, but that alone may have very well taught me the reward which comes from choosing the latter.

To sum up, there is nothing abnormal about you experiencing these anxieties. No one's asking you to not "allow" emotions to happen, but it would do us pain to see them dictate whether you or not you aspire for something you enjoy. From my experience so far, projects die, projects get forgotten, projects grow out of reach, sometimes it feels like I've learned a lot but accomplished nothing, but in all cases I remember that it isn't over. And I have you to thank in part, for that little moment. My aspirations could've just stopped at Game Chill, but I learned that when adversity lies ahead, it will always remain there unless I move forward, to move past it. You've helped me past my burdens, and we all hope we can help you past yours if need be!

/pep-talk

Glad to see you've regained confidence, I hope whatever steps you take here-after go smoothly! Best of luck! :)
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