DUNGEONS AND DRAG-QUEENS

D&D-Q Round 1
Drag-Master:
Ok you start in a seedy tavern on the outskirts of Trioville, the only place in town that is desperate enough to accept your ugly woodchip Ferngullythemovian currency.
It is dark in the tavern. They only can afford on oil lamp and it is near the bar. You have just come down the stairs from your disgusting room for a drink and a meal, it has been a long walk from Ferngullythemovie. What do you do?

Lee Baker:
Walk over to the bar and sit down.

DM:
The bartender is a sinister looking man and he spits into a mug before rubbing it with a dirty cloth he found on the floor. He grunts at you as if asking acknowledging your existence and the probability you will want something from him. The other barscum sit hovered over their misery.

Lee:
Call the bartender over and ask what the specials are.

DM:
The bartender sighs and shuffles closer with his unibrow lowered over confused and angry eyes. "Mead." he says in a guttery tone. "and also Mead."

Lee:
"hmm. Guess i'll take a mug of mead then"

DM:
The bartender grunts again, turns and fills the glass he was just taking care of with mead from a large barrel.
The mead is slammed so hard on the counter before you, foam splatters everywhere.
You try to avoid the mead getting on your shirt, trip and fall off your stool. You land on your left buttcheek and gain a small bruise. The bartender returns to his usual spot. Someone beside you peeks in your direction and asks if you are alright.

Lee:
Is that someone male or female?

DM:
Cloaked and hard to tell, but sounds male.

Lee:
Reply "i'm fine, thanks." get back up and sit back down on the stool

DM:
The stranger gives a small chuckle, "old Charlie is rude of late, heard praytelllove that he flunked outta rehab in foreigner parts."

Lee:
Say "RUDE! You want to see rude?!" then bash him over the head with the blunt end of my axe. Lol, just kidding. Say "who are you?"

DM:
The stranger pulls the drink under the hood covering any form of identity and takes a long drink. Finally after clearing the foam from hidden lips the stranger says, " my name is Stranger Von Hiddenface. And yourself, traveller? You do not appear of these parts."

Lee:
Burst out laughing and say "Stranger von hiddenface? That's the dumbest name i've ever heard!"

DM:
The hidden face of Von Hiddenface pauses briefly to peer towards you. Hidden eyes glint even in the darkness. "would you prefer to call me by some other name, nameless one?" Stranger growls.

Lee:
"sure, how about bob?"

DM:
Bob sneered at the common NPC name. "Very well. My name is Bob. Shall I call you Danny?"

Lee:
Danny? F$&@ no! My name is Lee

DM:
"lee..." Bob rolled the name around his mouth. "lee... I have only heard of one Lee in my travels." Bob's eyes glinted again. "would that be Lee Baker?"

Lee:
Uh......yes?

DM:
"of the Baker house? In Onesville?! Reginad Baker's boy?!" at this point Bob was on his feet screaming in hysterics. "who was raised to be the bakers son who will never bake and eventually left for Ferngullythemovie?!!?!??!"

Lee:
Uh. What the f$&@? How do you know so much about me?

DM:
Bob stopped and leaned forward. He was so worked up and his nose was full of snot from having a cold, that he was weezing when he breathed. The lifeless face of Bob raised a black leather gloved hand and announced in a hoarse voice (from the excited yelling) "Lee... I knew your Father."

Bob has to sneeze, roll a 6 sided die if he sneezes on you

Bob sneezes and turns just in time you might have got a few spray droplets on your sleeve but it does not affect you
"sorry," he says

Lee:
Dude, gross! Use a tissue next time!

DM:
Bob wipes a snot trail up his sleeve and takes a seat. "I'm sorry to hear about your dad. Guess that's why you came back from Ferngullythemovie."

Lee:
Wait...what about my dad?

DM:
"oh, just that he died of the drag-plague," bob says conversationally before talking a long noisy sip of his filthy mead

Lee:
HE'S DEAD?!

DM:
"Oh yes. Lincoln Sackfiller in Tuesdayville was telling me near the end he had more holes and rips in his flesh eaten skin than a honeycomb. I think he wheezes your name or something. I forget to be honest. I was so fascinated that the Sackfiller family could reproduce at this point, given how inbred Tuesdayville is. "

Lee:
Huh..well you're right about Tuesdayville. How long has he been dead?

DM:
"I guess it was a few weeks now since then." Bob wipes the foamy mead from his mouth on the same sleeve as his snot.

Lee:
Huh, guess i should head up there to visit my ma then. She must be devastated

DM:
Bob sounded surprised when he said,"now? It's the middle of the night!"

Lee:
No, not now you nitwit. I'll have to try and find a merchant train that's headed up that way that's willing to hire me on

DM:
"oh..." says bob, sounding disappointed. "well... Have a sweet dream tonight...................." Bob lingers a moment, his eyes glinted and he stands to leave.

Lee:
*sigh* would you like to join me?

DM:
Bob's eyes glitter at this point and he punches the air. "You won't regret this!" he says before spinning, causing his cloak to billow... Well, it would have billowed if it wasn't so chunky with boogers, filth and mud.
Clenching his fists, bob declares, "In the darkest hour, all light will burn the brighter." at this point, Bob vanishes into your party, an unseen pocket dimension.
The Bartender tells you that you owe for Bob's tab

Lee:
What the f$&@? How much?

DM:
The barkeeper says you owe $36 but he's willing to cut you a deal since you got rid of that smelly guy

Lee:
Lol. Offer him 15.

DM:
He says $20.

DM:
Deal. Hand over the most crumpled, dirty 20 dollar bill i have
Having squared off your acquired tab, you are still thirsty, hungry and now even more tired.

Lee:
Head up to my room to see if i can find any food among my provisions

DM:
The room is pitiful. A slumped mass of dribbles is the only candle to light the area. The bed folds into the wall, and resting on a side table, the rooms only furniture, is your travel pack.

Lee:
Rummage through my pack to check for food

DM:
You find a raccoon. It has eaten all your Ferngullythemovie crackers and cheese. The raccoon is afraid and leaps at your face.
The raccoon hits your face and stuns you slightly. It lands on the floor ready to leap at your face again. What do you do?

Lee:
Swing my axe at it

DM:
You miss the raccoon and yourself lucky but the axe scrapes the floor
The raccoon attacks your face again.
The raccoon cuts your face with it's teeth and claws there are now 8 bite and claw marks on your face.

Lee:
Swing my axe at it again

DM:
You cut the raccoon this time, chopping it's left front foot off
The raccoon is scrambling and about to run away

Lee:
Hells yes i did. Pick up the foot to make into a lucky charm later
Give the raccoon a nice swift kick in the ass on it's way out

DM:
You swing and miss. The raccoon is too fast. You swung so hard you fall and twist your right ankle so hard and fast it rips off. An eye for an eye, the raccoon thinks, and leaves

Lee:
What the f? Pick up the foot to make an unlucky charm later

DM:
With this ordeal finished with you are bleeding out quickly.

Lee:
Remove my belt and cinch it around my right leg just above the stump

DM:
Having lost enough blood, and now mended temporarily you pass out in a pool of blood

<END SCENE>

D&D-Q Round 4 Maria
Jalyn E. as Maria
J. S. Longstreet as the Drag-Master

Drag-Master: You awake floating on your back in a pool of sewer water. The sewer ceiling is matted with algae and fungi. All around you, there is a muffled chatter. Your ears are submerged so you cannot hear what they are saying.

Maria: With careful, slow movements, I tilt my head enough for my ears to be out of the water

DM: The water trickles from your ears and you can now hear what sounds like incoherent chittering. "Ch ch Ch Ch cht" it sounds like. You notice long shadows on the ceiling as well.

M: I groan silently to myself, and slowly push myself up, wondering what I drank last night.

DM: Memories flash before your eyes of table top role playing followed by table top dancing followed by tavern hopping followed by being chased by town guards followed by kissing in the woods followed by partying with encyclopedia salesmen followed by encyclopedia salesmen gang raping people you were with followed by running through the woods and slipping. Around you there seem to be a wealth of rats playing darts and cards. One rat about to take a shot in billiards leers at you briefly before returning to its game.

M: I make a mental note to myself about the encylopedia salesmen, and look around at the place I'm in. (Any inventory on me?)

DM: around you, the sewer looks like it was converted poorly into a pool hall with a bar, billiards, darts and poker. The lighting is decent enough from a vent above you, it is grated and impossible to escape through. You can do little more than sit up in the sewer as it is tiny. All the pool hall equipment is small as well, fit for the dog-size rats who dwell there. On you are wearing a tunic and skirt. A satchel hangs from your shoulder containing 5 brass coins, a nail file and a rubber chicken.

M: I greet the rats, and ask which way to the surface, other then the vent, using words and hand gestures.

DM: The rats give each other bewildered looks, and shrug. An obese rat sloshes forward and gestures grandly to the sewer around you. "Ch Ch chi chuu," he says. He is so fat that his eyes are forced to squint. A couple tough-looking rats follow him as if protecting him. Clearly this is the big cheese.

M: "And you've done very well with it. It's a great establishment I'll tell my friends about out. Once I find them. Hey, did you see any salesmen with me? And which way they went?"

DM: the big cheese's friendly face grows grim. He begins chittering with his body guards. The other rats drop whatever they're doing to menacingly roll up their sleeves in unison.

M: I look around the group, and pull out the rubber chicken. "Please don't make me use this. I can bring you back supplies."

DM: The big cheese chitters at you to follow him and the lot rats wade through the sewer to the front of you. They are all following the big cheese, looking determined and angry.

M: I try to pick up some of the chittering, see if I can hear a pattern to learn the language, and follow him, carrying the rubber chicken.

DM: it sounds vaguely that the chittering is a language based on enunciation, pacing and juxtaposition. The sewer is long and three shoulder lengths wide. There are ledges alone the sides, but they are too narrow for you to use. The big cheese has now ignored you and is stoically leading the way The sewer comes to an opening at last where you see an encyclopedia salesman is held by a web of twine. Clearly a salesman, signified by that absurd outfit all salesmen wear; a tweed suit and polka dot bowtie.

M: I grin, and walk over towards the salesman. "Well, hello... How was your night?"

DM: "Go to hell." the salesman averts his eyes from you. One of the rats bite his ankle, drawing blood.

M: (Is one of the guys that was gang-raping the people I was with?)

DM: You try to remember... It was.

M: (Thanks) I smile at the rat biting his ankle, and raise up the rubber chicken. "I'd say you're in hell. Help me out, I'll see what I can do"

DM: The salesman struggles with this thought... He says, "What do you want?" but it sounds forced.

M: "See, I want out of here so I can help my new friends," I gesture to the rats. "Get supplies for down here. Tell me how we came down here."

DM: the salesman fidgets against his constraints to no avail. Defeated, he cows to you. "Look, I'm sorry alright? You help me, I'll help you. In my pocket you'll find a Decoder Ring. Wear it, and anything or person will understand what you say, even if you don't know what they say. It's a one-way conversation tool. Perfect for making a sale. There's a catch though..."

M: I dig into his pockets, pulling out whatever he has. "And, the catch?"

DM: You find a 1/3 full salt shaker, a protein bar, and a red plastic ring with a gaudy green plastic stone. The salesman grins. "every pocket on this suit is lined with a tracking system. Only I can turn it off... No one picks the pocket of an encyclopedic salesman. The Seers at camp probably just got a vision about you."

M: I grin back at him. "Great. Doesn't matter if they see me now, buck-o, because they won't know where I'm going." I slide the items into my pack, and look over at the big cheese, putting the decoder ring on. "I left some coin in his pockets. If you help me get topside, I'll help you outfit your business. As a show of this, keep whatever you find on or in this guy. He's all yours."

DM: The big cheese blinks as he realizes he understands you now. For a moment his squinty eye run over the captive, clearly unimpressed. He chitters something with a heavy shrug and orders two rats to do something. They nod for you to follow and begin down another sewer line leading away from the captive room.

M: I look at the big cheese, and offer him the protein bar as well. "Before I go, maybe on of your boys should stay with me, so I'll know what to bring back for you from topside."

DM: The big cheese accepts the protein bar, unwraps and swallows it whole before waving you off to follow the tough-looking rats that had already left.

M: I smile at him, and follow the other rats.

DM: The rats lead you to a round metal grating that swings aside. You arrive to the late day sunset, cresting over a lake. There is a dock before you with a rowboat moored, a thick oak to your left, and a steep road leading away from the dock. The sewage runs along a channel into the lake.

M: Ok, well, I turn to the rats, and ask which way leads to a bigger town, the rowboat or the road.

DM: The rat pair chitter amongst each other. One rat finally points to the rowboat and the other rat facepalms, shakes his head and points in the other direction.

M: I go search the oak first, seeing if there is anything useful.

DM: You find a fallen branch. It is as thick as your arm, and from the ground up reaches your naval.

M: I take it over to the rowboat, and see if there are oars.

DM: There are no oars, on investigation, and you trip on the way back, falling into the water.

M: (Shallow or deep water?)

DM: Deep enough you are uninjured, and can stand up in.

M: Well, I stand up sputtering, and point to the road. "We go that way." As I walk back to shore, I peek into the rowboat, to see if there is anything in it.

DM: You find a small pouch filled with diamonds!

M: Yay, diamonds!!

DM: The rats wait patiently on the shore, playing a game of cards idly.

M: Well, I take the diamonds, of course, and start to walk up the deep road, sloshing.

DM: The road is steep, but not impossible, as the crest is visible, you see a huge town. The road to town is a mile off, and you will need to pass the Demonfuck Forest.

M: "Well, hell." No choice but to go forward, and hope for the best, prepared for the worst.

DM: The road is growing dark quickly, as the sun sets. You and your rats come to a caravan on the side of the road. There is a light on inside, but no horses to pull it.

M: I motion to the rats to be silent, and sneak towards the caravan to peek in.

DM: Through the window you see a joyous fat man with a funny italian moustache gnawing on a leg of roast boar most jovially. You hear opera playing on some hidden record player, and he seems to be bouncing along on his seat to the lyrics.

M: I whisper to the rats to go hide for a moment, and I knock on the caravan door.

DM: You hear a voice call in a merry tone: "Com~ing~!!!" there is some bustling inside, causing the caravan to sway violently. Finally the door opens. The same fat man you saw is dressed in a brightly colored cloak and his hair is done up in curlers. "Good evening!" he shouts, startled by the state of your wetness and aroma of sewage. "What can the Great Marvalo do for such a scrumptious lady?" the word scrumptious sounded forced.

M: "A warm bath and a chance to camp safely by your caravan would be welcome."

DM: The jolly man says, "Leave not a man at your doorstep, nor a pocket empty." the fat man quoted, siting a play by Sharlott E. Drumroll. He steps aside, and lets you in. The inner Decor is that of a Winnebago. He shows you to the shower room, timely out of place in this medieval setting, but who's cares? the Great Marvalo returns to his seat at the camper's dinner table and commences on the leg of meat.

M: After checking the shower for peep holes, I wash up, cleaning my clothes too, and drying them off with my towel, changing back into them. I pick my pack up, which I had taken into the shower room with me, and join The Great Marvelo. "Thank you most kindly."

DM: "Think nothing of it, my charming guest!" the Great Marvalo plops a platter of food across the table. It is piled with glistening meat, foreign cheese, a small loaf of crusty Gaulish bread, and one small piece of broccoli. "Feast! You must be famished from your travels. I, the Great Marvalo, came to this country with but a single Essenogglefruit scarthing! A mere scarthing, my dear! I feel now in my good fortune to bestow good health to wanderers such as myself. It is my decree as an Essenogglefruit actor!"

M: I laugh, enjoying his company. "I must ask another favor of you though. In my company are 2 rats, and it would be rude of me to eat so well without giving them anything. Is it possible for the 4 of us to eat? Afterwards, we could play cards. They are very good at cards."

DM: the great Marvalo accepts the companion rats to eat at your feet, and after a merry dinner, you are shown to a bed (the table transformed) and the rats are given some old sweaters to rest on, while the Great Marvalo retired to the main bedroom. The night ends peacefully.

<END SCENE>

D&D-Q Round 3 cam
Cameron McGuinness as Lee Baker
J. S. Longstreet as the Drag-Master

Drag-Master:
You wake up, the room smells terrible. Your bowels released during you black out and the innkeeper is poking you in the ribs with a broom handle... You don't sustain any bruising or injury from the broom.

Lee:
Tell the innkeeper to stop and swat the broom away

DM:
You miss and get a long cut on your palm on the old wooden handle. The innkeeper continues to poke you in the ribs... Again to no damage.

L:
Um...kick the innkeeper in the shin

DM:
You miss, however the innkeeper is satisfied you are awake and promptly asks you to leave and pay your tab.

L:
Ask how much the tab is

DM:
The bar man says 1 gold for the room since Bob shared it, 5 silver for the mess and 1 silver for damage you did with your axe on the floor. You have 70 Ferngullythemovie dollars. Which equals 60 Rumpturnip gold.

L:
Hand over the cash i guess

DM:
The innkeeper pockets the cash pulling the paper Ferngullythemovie dollars away from your hand so quickly you get a papercut.

L:
Get my shit together a d get ready to leave

DM:
Your bag was ruined by the raccoon, you can no longer use it. However your clothing and sleeping bag are intact. You still are missing a foot, which is not yet infected, and your pants are still full of crap.

L:
First things first i guess. Head out to find a healer

DM:
you hop out of the inn with your clothes, sleeping bag and axe under your arms. It is incredibly cumbersome. Outside the inn is an oblong clearing. The forest here is incredibly thick, and impassable especially in this state. The only exits are towards town or back to Ferngullythemovie.

L:
Head towards town

DM:
The road is bumpy, but with careful tenacity you make it in one piece. The town opens with four buildings and a V fork in the road.

L:
Go to the first building to see if anyone is there

DM:
Someone is there, they answer the door to ask "hello, yes?" it is a 95 year old woman.

L:
Ask if she knows where the healer is

DM:
She tells you there is a doctor at the north end of town.

L:
Thank her and start heading north

DM:
As you leave, you hear a click behind you. The old woman says, "not so fast, whippersnapper. Your money or your life."

L:
Hit that bitch right in the mouth with my axe

DM:
Even though you have to drop your items, you spin like a top and slice her face right in half, she falls over dead, her house open, and a crossbow falls beside her.

L:
About damn time something good happens. Go in the house and look for loot

DM:
You find in the house: 1 apple, a fork, knife and spoon, a basin, a large sack with a shoulder strap, a book about local herbs, a dress, a pair of high heels in your size, a sunday's best hat that matches the dress, a gaudy purse, a pearl necklace, a broom, and the crossbow.

L:
Fit as much of the shit as i can in the sack and read the book on herbs to see if there is anything about stopping infection

DM:
You can only fit 9 things, what will you take? The book holds no infection clues. It seems the local herbs are only good for digestion. It is now noon.

L:
Apple, fork, knife, spoon, basin, necklace, broom, crossbow, purse

DM:
you are still filthy and stink, but none the less you hop over the old woman's carcass into the street. Before you, the people are gathered around looking accusingly at you.

L:
Start heading to the north end of town

DM:
You are revered by the crowd for killing the old thief. A farmer gives you his absolutely beautiful daughter as a present. She enters your pocket dimension party as you pass by and you reach the north end of town, now mastering the hopping.

L:
Ask my pocket chick if she knows where the healer is

DM:
The pocket woman appears beside you. Her golden hair shimmers in the midday sun. Her voice is like a dove. "Its that building with the red cross on it," she says pointing dead ahead.

L:
Head to the doctors

DM:
As you hop to the door, you see the large wooden letters DOCTOR hanging above the door. Inside the receptionist asks for you to sign in, and also inquires why you have come.

L:
Sign in and tell her 'i seem to have severed my foot'

DM:
She looks at your missing limb, sighs like this is another one of Those Days, and tells you in an annoyed tone to head down the second door beside her. There are three doors beside her. Which do you choose?

L:
The middle one

DM:
the corridor beyond is lined with doors and you are bombarded with blood curdling screams. One of the doors opens and closes quickly as a man dressed in white but covered in blood hurries into the hall. He runs slouches against the opposite wall and seems to be crying.

L:
Ask him where i would go for a severed foot

DM:
the man looks up with defeat spelled out across his face. Could this day get any worse? "You're better off doing it yourself... Do you have any idea how many wounds I couldn't fix? How many people walk in with their heads under an arm and shrug like 'Welp!'?" the doctor stands and looks at the wound. "not on ice, the flesh and sinew ripped to shreds, multiple fractures on the bone, and hey why not, it's filthy and probably rotting. Sure, I can fix anything!" the doctor sounds sarcastic at the end.

L:
'uh...ok...so not here then?'

DM:
"I guess the apprentice Mage can do it. I don't trust magic, but there's no other choice with a wound like that. He's in door 3 from the reception area. Honestly, I wish people would stop rolling dice so poorly!" he says as he walks away.

L:
Head over to door 3

DM:
The room beyond is dark and clutters of papers are all over the place. Bob suddenly appears from you pocket party. He walks behind a desk facing the door, and greets you like a stranger. "Hello, how can I help you today?"

L:
Hehe. "uh...can you heal my foot?"

DM:
"sure, traveller, head over into that pentagram there and we'll get started!" Bob says cheerfully, indicating to a bunch of lines on the ground, wiping his nose on his other sleeve.

L:
"what the fuck? Why didn't you heal it earlier?" walk over to the pentagram

DM:
"I don't know what's going on from your pocket, though I was curious as to why there was so much bouncing though."
When you have hopped into the pentagon, bob uses hocus pocus words you've never heard before. And sha-Zoosh! In a puff of green smoke... Your foot is back to normal but there is a ring scar around where the foot rejoined.

L:
"uh, thanks. Well, back in the pocket you go then and let's head out. Got a long way to go still"

DM:
Bob sighs and returns into the nether region of your pants. Your foot is tender to walk on, having healed so recently, but is otherwise as good as new.

L:
Hmm..leave the hospital and head north

DM:
The road leading out of town is rolling over farmland, weaving to and fro until you cannot see it. It is now 1pm.

L:
Uh, keep walking

DM:
The day seems to crawl by as you venture north. There are no side roads, except horse trails for the farmers, as you come along the south-east edge of the Big Forest, you spot a goblin sitting on a farm fence. He is watching you, thumping his club into his palm.

L:
Uh, keep walking, lol. But hold onto my axe just in case

DM:
And well you should fare traveller fore a-ha! The goblin jumps from his perch to the road before you and raises the club level with your eyes. He is short, so he has to do this at a 87 degree angle. "Avast ye lubber, an' hand over all yer shinies!" he is a pirate-themed goblin. Of all the bad luck!

L:
Swing my axe downward at his forehead

DM:
You hit, cleaving the poor creature in half. It was like slicing through butter. The two half-goblins fall to either side of your path.

L:
Huzzah! Loot his corpse(s) for valuables

DM:
You find nothing but two half clothings. It turns out the goblin hadn't eaten in weeks and was nearly dead, and completely broke.

L:
Damn, start walking along the road again

DM:
Suddenly, your stomach jerks and spasms. You are hungry! Blue Lumberjack Needs Food Badly! You remember that you were hungry the night before, and hadn't eaten nor drank your mead. You didn't eat today either! Between blood loss and empty stomach, the will to continue is waining.

L:
Dang, i thought about that when i left town but was hoping to make it to the next town before needing to eat. Bring out the farm girl and make her forage for food in the forest

DM:
She returns with a few handfuls of wild berries after an hour. It is now 5pm. Bob and the farmgirl are also growing hungry.

L:
Eat the berries and sent bob foraging

DM:
Hours pass, and Bob does not return from the forest.

L:
Send the farm girl to look for him, lol.

DM:
Lmao
She comes back in half an hour with Bob bloody and beaten, draped over her shoulders. Years of farm work really shows in the ease with which she handles Bob.

L:
Eat apple in inventory.

DM:
It is nearly 11pm. You are growing tired and sleepy from your journey and meager meal has tided you over for now; though both your party members remain hungry, they too are tired. You all fall asleep in the road, laying on each other in famished attempt at staying warm.

<END SCENE>

D&D-Q Round 4
Jericho as Lance Spearstrong
J. S. Longstreet as the Drag-Master

DragMaster-
If you need to know what's in your pack, just ask "Inventory"

jericho-
INVENTORY INVENTORY INVENTORY INVENTORY INVENTORY INVENTORY INVENTORY INVENTORY INVENTORY INVENTORY

DragMaster-
Lol you have a spear, a night cap, and a half-eaten sandwich

jericho-
ah, yes. continue

DragMaster-
You start under a shady tree, the wind is brisk, and the day is beautiful. The only problem is the troll yelling at you for eating half his sandwich.

jericho-
is this like a lord of the rings troll or like an everquest troll

DragMaster-
It is actually a farmers wife who is just ugly enough to fit the description.

jericho-
I ain't taking no guff from some run of the mill garden troll. I take what I wants. I brandish my spear at that lady and yell some fantasy slurs all up at her.

DragMaster-
Ok she gets furious at your harsh words of yore and raises her dukes. It's a fight.

jericho-
I, uh. don't know how fights are resolved. I guess I don't really want to kill a lady after all. I'm gonna try to hold my spear the wrong way and brain her over the head with it

DragMaster-
Ok, she is beaned good, but her skull is too thick, she grapples with you and tries to take back her tuna fish remains of a sandwich

jericho-
I let go of the sandwich, recalling that I hate tuna fish. I will take this opportunity to flee if she is sufficiently distracted.

DragMaster-
You manage to escape just in Time to hear her gnashing jowls on the sandwich. She is hungry for more and sees you in what appears to be a wide grassland. She gives chase with a hungry expression.

jericho-
alright fuck that noise. turning my spear around to business mode and aiming for her heart

DragMaster-
You clearly have practiced hands at spearmanship as the weapons sinks true into and through her big warm heart. The impact of your amazing blow sends a rift of power through the air causing the troll of a women to explode into a million meaty chunks.

jericho-
woah. uh. gross. I'm filling my nightcap up with troll meat.

DragMaster-
With your nightcap full of succulent, fresh troll meat, the day is your oyster. To the distant north you see a small village, the south a river, the east the tree you just left and to the west, your old friend and lover, Frivilor the elf queen.

jericho-
hmmm, seeing Frivilor would probably be worth it, but by this game's standards an elf queen is probably like a christmas elf. I'm heading into the village to find a butcher so I can sell this troll meat.
or, like, have it made into jerky.

DragMaster-
It is a few hours by foot, but the day is too splendid to waste sitting about anyhow. When you arrive in the village you see it is composed of five gaul houses and surrounded by a wood spike wall. The center of the town is a large firepit, around which the houses are built. There is three people in the area. Two children playing, and an old woman watching over them

jericho-
Gonna ask that old lady about news in these here parts. glad I dodged that bullet.

DragMaster-
The old Gaul woman looks at you with suspicion, especially at your bloody spear. She says, in a cracking voice of age, "Nothing ever happens here. Well, except that the men have all gone to fight the Rumpturnip army, again."

jericho-
"Hmmm...Nothing, you say? Perhaps a morsel of troll meat would loosen your tongue.."

DragMaster-
The woman's lips moisten by a quick darting tongue. She looks suspiciously around, as everything is suspicious to her. "Is it fresh?"

jericho-
"Oh yes, of course. See for yourself." I toss her a good looking piece.

DragMaster-
The woman takes no time in salivating and swallows the chunk of dark red meat like a seagull shelling a clam. When she the meat was churning in her belly, the lady squirmed. "there was something, I heard. One of the men off to fight was slain, leaving a widow behind... She is the cook's wife, and apparently very upset about it all, there was also the recent uprising of pirate goblins in the nearby forest eating all our boar, and..." she swallowed. "... Words of Dragons in the far north..."

jericho-
I'm gonna go see the cook's wife. These are my priorities: A. Get some of this meat made into rations. B. Give her the rest to distribute amongst the town in some kind of dumb stew or whatever since them boars is dead. C. If I am not completely gay, attempt to sleep with her and rob her blind in the night.
really the first two things are just to impress her.

DragMaster-
You find the cook's house. It is simple, hung with furs and the only hut with a stone fireplace. The wife is a tall blonde, with curves in all the right places. She is crying as you enter and smiling in bed beside you smoking a cigarette by the end of the night. As you collect the valuables, mostly rare fur and three rubies, the blonde wakes up. She sees what you are doing and begs to come with you, this village holds nothing for her but haunt her memories now.

jericho-
She sees me stealing her stuff?

DragMaster-
Yes

jericho-
NO WITNESSES. SPEAR THAT LADY NOW AND MAKE HER INTO STEW. (metal spear)

DragMaster-
Apparently you're that good in bed

jericho-
oh
uh
too late

DragMaster-
Hahaha
You find the troll stew cooking slowly already and mix the Cook Wife in. The aroma is mesmerizing. In a few hours you are able to put the stew into ten plastic tubberware, and leave in the dead of night.

jericho-
Oh, good, I'm gonna head into goblin territory soon. BUT BEFORE I DO I am going to look around for poisonous herbs of any kind.

DragMaster-
Using your cunning cat-like nightvision that all spearmen share, you notice and collect deadly Rhubarb, being careful to use a fur to pick them up, as they are deadly and acidic to the touch

jericho-
Ah, yes. I mix as much as I can into the stew, trying to make as many containers deadly as possible.

DragMaster-
To your credit, with the years spent apprenticing under your alchemy and medical professors, you are able to create 6 Deadly Rhubarb Wife stews

jericho-
Alright. Now I head into goblin territory trying to make myself noticable. Probably by saying "YO GOBLINSSSS" or something

DragMaster-
Suddenly 8 pirate goblins swing down from the trees, brandishing cutlasses and hook hands, while saying things like "Arr", "Avast", and "Walk th' plank!"

jericho-
"Greetings, my goblin friends! I, Ambassador Eggington, have been sent here by Prince Valtez of the Rumpturnips! Tales of the bravery and valor of the goblin pirates have reached even my liege's ears. It is my lord's wish that we negotiate an alliance. The Rumpturnip kingdom has an interest in these lands, you see, but lacks the military discipline as of now to hold them. This is why I have come to seek you out, for your protection. I offer you these rare furs and rubies as a token of our good will. In addition, I have brought a succulent stew to dine on while we discuss terms." I gesture to one of the unpoisoned containers. "Perhaps we may retreat to your base of operations to speak further?"

DragMaster-
The boldest of the eight steps forward, making sure to limp on a fake wooden leg. "I, Captain Blackbeard, says we has an accord." and so, led by the cosplayers, you find yourself deep in the forest, surrounded by a hundred and three goblin pirates. They are still recovering from a naked man having run through earlier that day. He had killed many on his run, merely from his feet pounding them to mush by mistake, so really, there's only about 8 goblins left, and 95 dead goblin pirates.

jericho-
...cosplayers...
GODDAMNIT WHY DID I PREPARE FOR THIS

DragMaster-
Haha

jericho-
oh well. I ain't lettin that poisoned brew go to waste. "Let's dig in!" but pretend I said that like a diplomat. "Here, as I am a guest in your lands, it is only correct for me to serve." I dole out the poison stew to everyone, including myself. I contemplate the life decisions that have led me up to this point and seriously consider poisoning myself but I just pretend to eat in the end.

DragMaster-
Your brew works wonders, all the rhubarb poison eats through the goblins, erasing them into greenish-yellow muck from the inside-out

jericho-
Gross. I'm taking "my" rubies and furs back...unless...they have been ruined by goblin muck. and searching these guys for their pilfer.
I can't even believe I prepared a ruse thinking there was gonna be like fifty actual goblins with pointy teeth and stuff. Does my character believe in god? if so not anymore

DragMaster-
The goblin village is ripe with valuables, and in one of the houses you find a Mage eating roast boar and the picture of beauty, a farm girl, sitting beside him.

jericho-
is this a human or "goblin" mage because I have developed a strict no tolerance policy when it comes to goblins.

DragMaster-
They are both human

jericho-
"Why are you two in the goblin village. Also uh there are no more goblins sorry."

DragMaster-
The Mage pauses mid-bite. "No more? What a shame! They bring us boar and mead daily!" the farmgirl looks most pleased, "all of them are gone...for good?"

jericho-
"Yes. For good. Also, you didn't answer my first question. what do you mean they ' bring you boar.' Are you...are you responsible for the movements of the goblin pirates, mage man?"

DragMaster-
The Mage chuckled, "oh excuse me... Where are my manners?" the Mage rubs off some gross boar meat slime on his robes and offers his hand to shake. "my name is Stranger Von Hiddenface, and this is... Uh, she doesn't have a name. We came here a few days ago by road from Trioville with a man named Lee Baker. Has he returned yet? It's a tad boring being held prisoner by a bunch of Pirates of the Carribean fanatics."

jericho-
"Uhh, nope. Haven't seen him. Unless he was actually a troll woman, a regular woman, or a goblin pirate. In which case I have definitely not seen them. Anyway, I am totally about to go mess up some dragons with my spear. Just like I did with these goblins. Totally. Spear." I look over the top of my sunglasses which I totally have. "You in?"

DragMaster-
"Does a buffalo not eat cabbage when it's starving to death?!" Stranger Von Hiddenface stands up and palms his fist. Sparks fly in all directions. The hut you're in catches fire so you all walk away just in time as a propane tank explodes in slow motion. Once you're clear, Stranger says, " Everyone I know calls me Bob." then Bob and the farmgirl who is a beautiful virgin by day, cake baker by night, join your party and disappear into a party dimension in your pants, where they await your command.

jericho-
wait. I have pants? This changes everything!
<END SCENE>

D&D-Q Round 5
Cameron M. as Lee Baker
J. S. Longstreet as the Drag-Master

Dm-
You awake to the smell of burning. You hear squeaky and cracky voices all around you. There is also the sound of tribal drums.

L-
Am i tied up?

Dm
Yes, you are firmly tied to a pole facing upwards. You are hanging lengthwise horizontal over something very hot.

L-
Ok, summon the dude and tell him to untie me

Dm-
Bob wanders over, clearly drunk and unties your blindfold. You are in a camp in the middle of the woods, everyone is dancing and drinking and eating what you assume to be boar meat. Bob himself can barely stand and is holding a tankard of mead. Also it seems everyone except the farmer girl and Bob are all pirate goblins. You have no axe and are naked, roasting over a fire.

L-
Ask bob to get me down

Dm-
Bob fumbles with the knots but eventually unties you. You fall into the fire, but manage to get out with a few minor burns. When you stand, naked, the whole goblin camp is staring at you with cutlasses out.

L-
Run like a motherf*cker

Dm-
In the light of a naked burly guy running through camp, the goblins gave you some birth to escape, despite plotting on eating you. It is far easier to chase a naked man, than confront him from the front, as far as goblins are concerned.

L-
Not sure what to do here. I have no idea what the hell is going on

Dm-
In your confusion you trip and tumble down a hill, your body is smacked about and cut up by the weeds and roots and rocks until you roll clear off a cliff, plummeting twenty feet into a waterfall-fed lake.

L-
There really is nothing for me to do here. I've lost all my stuff, my allies turned against me, i'm pursued by goblins and i'm hurt

Dm-
As you lay there floating in the lake, slowly sinking, the hardships of your travels mounting on yours soul. You drift into the deep and lose the will to carry on... As life slips from your lungs, you find yourself staring up at the water surface. Through the ripples a bright light shines through. You pass out at this image. Go to the light, you think. Suddenly you wake up, and you laying on the ample bosom of a beautiful elf woman.

L-
Ask her who she is.

Dm-
She says, "my name is Dyrilliun Alloria"

L-
"what am i doing here?"

Dm-
"you were brought to my treehouse when I found you an inch from death when I was swimming for lakesnails... Why were you in my lake, strange naked man?"

L-
"running from goblins that were trying to cook me"

Dm-
"oh, you poor man... You have been through too much this day... Please, what can I do to comfort you?"

L-
Ask if she has any clothes he can have.

DM-
The voluptuous elf seems greatly disappointed, but offers you a wide selection of fine cloth and elven armor.

L-
Accept the stuff and thank her for her generosity

DM-
As you leave, now dressed in fine white elven shirt, silverite metal chestplate, shoulder plate, bracers, a golden cape of incredible accuracy, a belt of determination, and a new dwarf-style battle-ax, you find yourself in the forest again, though you exit an elven palace of a well-carved wood treehouse.

L-
Is there a path?

DM-
Yes

L-
Start walking down the path

DM-
you walk for seemingly days, but really it is only an hour. You are just tired and extremely hungry. Your thirst was thoroughly quenched in the lake. You arrive outside the forest in a wide glade where deer run free and and crazy prostitution and gambling institutions.

L-
Didn't the elf lady feed me?

DM-
Nope

L-
I guess, if i want to try and chase down a deer with my axe

DM-
You find a group of deer prostitutes standing on the corner of a gambling hall. They think you are there on business and are not prepared when your ax swings through all five of them. The bodies fall to the ground in two halves a piece.

L-
Hmm. go collect firewood

DM-
The forest is lush with dry dead wood and so you find plenty wood.

L-
Build a cookfire

DM-
Your fire is burning bright and strong. A few hobo seers come sit by it for the warmth.

L-
Cook me some venison! Uh...top half of the deers only since they were prostitute deers . Don't want to risk the stds

DM-
The meat is well cooked, and the hobo deer leave shortly because they're offended, but they take the bottom deer halves for company.

L-
Eat me some venison!

DM-
As you are about to put the first bite into your mouth, a deer policeman taps you firmly on the shoulder with his baton.

L-
While turning to face the deer policeman swing my axe toward his forehead (if deer have foreheads)

DM-
The axe chops off the deer's antlers. He quickly gets on the radio and cries for back up in the deer language.

L-
I don't know why i bother trying to eat anymore, lol. guess i'll just have to go on a killing spree. Shove some food in my mouth and get into a defensive position

DM-
Twenty deer police squad cars pull up. A deer cop gets on his megaphone and demands something in deer language. Meanwhile the deer cop you were fighting retreats to the squad cars. But at least the deermeat is delicious!

L
Well, so long as they are just standing around their cars i might as well keep eating. I have a feeling i'll need the energy, lol

DM-
Your hunger knows no bounds and you manage to down all the deerwhores, even the eyeballs! With each passing bite, the deer police yell more and more. By the end of your huge meal, the deer SWAT team shows up and the national deer guard is above you in their helicopter.

L
Pretend to surrender while keeping a hand on my axe until the first deer gets close and then SMASH HIM IN THE FACE WITH MY AXE!!

DM-
Your axe is so sharp it rips through the first cop like butter. The police, swat and national guard deer all charge you with their antlers

L-
Start swinging like a madman at whatever face is closest

DM-
The deer's head fly, and they just keep coming. Eventually you are up to your shoulders in deer carcasses and can swing no more.

L
Are there a lot of deer still alive after me?

Dm
Yes a lot more the whole deer law enforcement agencies are after you

L
Can I give myself a skill?

Dm
Haha yes, your incredible meat factory fighting has awarded you a POWER UP!!!

L
Awesome. Barbarian jump attack (from diablo 2) into the middle of the pack of deer coming at me and start chopping at their heads too Continue doing so until there are no deer left

Dm
In a grueling war on wildlife, prostitution and gambling you massacre every deer in the glade. You also earned another Power Up as a side note for accidentally completing a mini-quest, as well as earned the title, "Herd Slayer" Lee Baker

L
I probably look insane right now because i'm walking down the street laughing my ass off New skill - awesome jerky making. Employ that skill to make a shit ton of venison jerky. Also use a couple hides from the deer to make a Giant backpack to put the jerky in

Dm
'Now You're A Man' by DVDA ironically just started playing on my iPhone Ok, the streets are painted red, you are soaked in blood, and as you pass through the streets of this death glade, you find a world map, that points out that you are currently near a fork in the main paths, one heading to Danielsredhair, another to Catville, and another back to Trioville.

L
I believe danielsredhair is in the correct direction

Dm
You head north, to find a maze of forks, gladly a sign post guides you. It is an old sign that points to Danielsredhair in three directions. There is a sneaky looking thief leaning on the sign post smoking a slim cigarette.

L
Continue down the path to danielsredhair but keep a hand on my axe handle just in case the thief tries something sneaky

Dm
As you pass the sneaky looking thief says, "ah, ah, ah... You shouldn't go that way, friend."

L
"and why is that?"

Dm
The sneaky thief takes his cigarette from his lips. He looks a lot like James Dean. "Look kid, there's gargoyles in that path, go this other way. It's way easier."

L
"gargoyles, eh? I could use some gargoyle faces for my collection." head down that path
<END SCENE>

D&D-Q Round 6
Jericho as Lance Spearstrong
Ark as Nude Buttcheeks
Shinan as a goblin zombie pirate
J. S. Longstreet as the Drag-Master


Drag-Master-
OK, the ruins of the goblin village are around you, the burning hut quickly ignites the goblin corpses which in many cultures are used as kindeling. You have three exits, east, north or digging.

jericho-
which direction did I enter from?

Drag-Master-
We'll say west

jericho-
wait, no, north is where business is. I go north.

Drag-Master-
Just outside the village you find a river where a young male nudist is bathing, his bow and arrows on the shore

Drag-Master-
(enter Ark)

jericho-
do I still have my rubies

Drag-Master-
Yes

jericho-
I am tossing one in the river.
I totally tossed it in there. It's in there. a whole ruby. must be pretty valuable.

Ark-
My gaze settles upon a small shimmer in the river. I bend down, clutching it between my hands. A rupee? I look over noticing a menacing looking man, a pair of aviators cover his face. "Excuse me dear sir, I believe you dropped this?" I clutch it closely, the shining gem rubbing against my soapy pecs.

jericho-
oh. right. I take off my sunglasses. "That wasn't what was supposed to happen. Can you PLEASE drop that ruby again and pick it up in a more slow and deliberate manner?"

Ark-
"How dare you, I might be a nudist. But that is no way to treat a gentleman." Tossing the rupee at Jericho I wade out of the water back to my bow.

Drag-Master-
The ruby's glow dims to nothing as the water dries off it in the air. It lands with a heavier-than-should-be thud against the spearman's chest.

jericho-
"I...uh...uh." I put my sunglasses back on. "This is not a 'rupee' you ignorant fop." I put the ruby in my pants of holding. "God, and here I was going to show you how good I am at shooting a bow."

Ark-
I scoff. "I don't not let just any man handle my shaft. You would have to prove yourself a hero first."

Drag-Master-
There then appears a giant ogre through the trees, fleeing the impending forestfire to the south. He seems very troubled, and twice the height of the nudist bowman.

jericho-
"Ha! Look at that! That ogre has witnessed my handiwork!" I wave and shout to the ogre. "I say, sir ogre! Would you care to tell my friend here how heroically I burned down that forest?"

Ark-
"You you burned down the homes of all those innocent goblin folk? Wh-why?"

Drag-Master-
The ogre runs his thick fingers through his matty mess of hair. "It's turrible! Did you do that? It's so turrible... All the goblins were my furends, and now they is zombies who is eating each other. I goes to say hello for today, and one is chasing me still!" And lo, a zombie goblin appears behind the panicky ogre.
(enter Shinan.)

jericho-
I draw my spear and start to twirl it around my head, forgetting about it midspin and dropping it. "Hey! Wait a minute! Those zombies are probably all eating each other to get some more of my delicious stew! That would mean zombies have memories of their former lives! Maybe the wizard in my pants can confirm this. Uh, naked guy, can you take care of this for a second?" I...uh...do whatever I need to do. to consult the wizard. in my pants.

Ark-
"I.... Uh alright?" I pick up my elongated shaft off the ground, disregarding the arrows and rush the Ogre in an attempt to sweep it off it's feet.

Shinan-
"Arrrrrrrrrrgh" I say and start chewing on the Ogre's leg.

Drag-Master-
As the ogre panicks with the zombie goblin munching happily on his leg, he's easy pickings for Ark's shaft to knock him over. The ogre is angry and confused, trying to kick the zombie off and reach for Ark's throat. Meanwhile, a wizard climbs out of Jericho's pants and attends to his omnibus of undead lore, which states that the zombie will manifest it's lust for the last thing it remembers in it's undead life

jericho-
"Woah! Hey, how did this get here?" I pick up my spear and twirl it around some more. "The last thing it remembers?...That must mean that...." I take off my shades and point a finger at the ogre in one fluid motion (somehow) "You kick goblins! Have you anything to say in your defense?"

Ark-
I scrabble backwards picking up my arrows.

Shinan-
"Avast nomnomnomnomnom" I'm eating myself down to the bone

Drag-Master-
The ogre screams in agony, and blood fury, flailing around like a turtle that got flipped over. He clearly has little to say in his defense.

jericho-
"Aha! A goblin kicker, are you? I've never tried it myself. I usually just use a very painful poison. And by usually I mean that one time. And by that one time I mean half an hour ago." I sprint over to the goblin and proceed to kick him repeatedly.
jericho-
"Hey, uh, do you smell something?" I turn and see the forest fire is now dangerously close. "Oh, right." I start stabbing my goblin parasite in the brainular region. "We should probably go somewhere. somewhere where we will not die. Also, can you put that wizard back in my pants?"

Shinan-
I roll backwards with a stabbing weapon through my head. My body twitches a bit on the ground while I gurgle a weak "Warglk the plrain"

Ark-
"Of course I can my good sir." Picking up the wizard I pull the Spearman's waistband forward and look in, letting out a feint laugh. "Why wear the pants of holding, when there is nothing to hold!" And with that little quip I shove the wizard into Jericho's trousers.

Drag-Master-
Without a further word, knowing full-well his place as a party member, the wizard vanishes into the pants. Behind, the fire crackles nearer, animals and zombie goblin pirates, and ogre-friends, and a beautiful elf woman leap out of the trees to the river, only to try and swim to safety. The goblin zombie dies right then and there, a sad short tale.

jericho-
I smirk and put on my sunglasses, swaggering over to the river. I toss my fur on the ground near it. "Heh. Dry yourself off, kid." I walk back to Ark and say. "Well, now that everyone important is saved, I say you and I, the incredible ogre slaying duo, go north. I hear tales of dragons up there!"

Ark-
"I S-sure... I've always wanted to try to tame a dragon!" He hunched down to the ground as did Jericho, and with great force they launched themselves into the air, delivering high five several feet above ground. Ark couldn't help but scream "Shyruken!" As their hands met.

Drag-Master-
All the animals and the elf woman stop in their flight from the forest fire. Even the birds in the sky pause to stare at how incredibly awkward the high-five was.

jericho-
.....I blush and put another pair of sunglasses over my first. "Let's just....go. north. now. before my reputation is further ruined."

jericho-
I start walking without waiting to see if Ark follows

Ark-
"H-hey wait for me!" I yell, skipping ahead to catch up. My... Bow flapping in the wind.

Drag-Master-
The forest north of the river is a short road travelled. Through you are continuously bothered by the sniggering of forest critters behind your back, soon the edge of this cursed forest comes. The late day light passes over the land: A glad filled with a deer-made city. There is an abandoned casino, prostitution lair, and police station. The streets are cold and quiet. Everything in the air bodes something ill. perhaps it is the fact there are millions of deer carcasses and everything is drenched in deer blood

jericho-
I whistle. "Alas....the deerly departed........HAHAHHAHAHAHA" I am paralyzed by my own laughter and unable to move, curled into a ball on the ground.

Drag-Master-
The smell of the day old massacre weeps through the air. Haunting deer souls of millions seems to linger thick in the air like molasses. The road north passes directly through this haunting world... It would also seem a rainstorm is coming from the west.

Ark-
Ark pulls his bow tought? And readies an arrow. "Now my good sir, there is no reason to be make such jokes against this deer creatures.!" His wand began to tingle. "Something is comming, something large."

Drag-Master-
It comes from the west, a thundering sound. like the beating of a drum, each strike shakes the earth.

jericho-
I slowly stop laughing and get to my feet. "Hey man, that sounds like rain. Drum rain. It's common occurrence in these parts. I don't like getting wet so much so...uh, you know." I sidle off to the casino.

Drag-Master-
The casino, despite covered mostly in blood and guts is still flashing brightly lit lights, and the doors are unlocked. You notice as you pass, that the corpses are all cut down to the bone and skinless.

Ark-
Noticing a dress code to the side, I take one of the fleshless carcasses, tossing it over my body like a cloak. "Well... Whats the worst that could happen in a casino. R-right?" Keeping to Jericho's heels he heads in.

Drag-Master-
Inside, the velvetty red floors are especially squelchy and red. The slot machines are going ding ding ding in their usual mesmerising tunes, and to the right the poker tables are somewhat busy. To the far left, you see the money deposit, and to the far back are the restrooms.

jericho-
"Holy garbage. First of all, you are a nerd for obeying dress code. Second of all, I am robbing the...the....the money...out of these dead deer dudes. There is no possible way two species could become zombies." I run over to the money deposit and begin hitting it with my ruby.

Drag-Master-
The ruby cracks the glass window barring your way in a single blow. It seems slightly heavier than before.

Ark-
"But you should always obey the rules... Mister?" He looked around spotting a large clamshell in the middle of a pool of water. "Hey look at this! I bet something valuable in here!"

Drag-Master-
As you approach the clamshell, water splashing against your junk and legs, a shiver runs down your spine. Something sinister has happened to the world.

jericho-
"Hold that thought, hoss. There's something funny about this ruby. I have reason to believe it may be imbuing me with more strength with every act of vandalism I perform." I walk over to the clamshell and start hitting it with the ruby. "Also, why are you shivering?"

Drag-Master-
The clam cracks the shell into a million pieces. As the shell shatters, water splashes about making a mess, getting all over you and the ruby. Again the ruby glows.

Ark-
"S-such evil emanates from that gem. Please my good sir you must let it go!" I pull the deer carcass tighter around my body. "Besides the obvious vandalism, I feel you are doing something terribly wrong!"

Drag-Master-
The carcass closes tightly around you, closing far tighter than you had intended. It stirs making noises like "mmmrraaaa"

jericho-
"I don't see me doing anything wrong." I say as I don a third pair of sunglasses. "Now, I think I figured out the secret of this ruby. But, as a trained scientist, I must be thorough." I break the nearest fragile object.

Drag-Master-
your swing hits a marble pillar supporting the gambling room roof, and the pillar is destroyed into fragments. The glowing ruby lets out a quick flash of red light.

Ark-
"Sir something is terribly wrong." feeling the cobra like strain of the carcass and the light moan set Ark off the edge. He let out a piercing scream and began to struggle.

Drag-Master-
The deer carcas struggles with you, trying to bite you with teeth it doesn't have anymore.

jericho-
"Hey. Hey. Are you even listening to me? Well, we'll see how good you are at ignoring me without your fancy scarf!" Jericho attempts to stab the carcass and pry it off of Ark.

Drag-Master-
You succeed in prying it off, though it scrapes Ark's shoulder with its sharp ribcage, and begins splashing aimlessly in the water below

Ark-
I pull the string back on my bow, ignore the newly found pain. And release an air aimed between the creatures teethless jaws.

Drag-Master-
The air slices right through the beast, causing the water and floor to explode with power, gibs of zombie deer flesh expell across the room, even on to the poker table where miraculously some deer are still alive playing texas two-hold. They are so engrossed by the game that a deer accidentally bets a zombie deer gib instead of his chips on pocket aces.

jericho-
I completely ignore the awe-inspiring display of power before me, instead focusing on the deer playing poker. "OH MY GOD THERE ARE PEOPLE HERE IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING." I shove the ruby into Ark's hands and walk over to the poker table. "'Scuse me, gents! Don't mean to interrupt your game, but would you perchance know why there are so many corpses around?"

Drag-Master-
One of the high-roller deer peers over his half-moon spectacles to sneer at you.
<END SCENE>

Kenock as Slayson
J.S. Longstreet as The Drag-Master


DM-
You start in the Demonfuck Forest. Around you, the leaf-less trees are black as soot and loom overhead in all directions. There is a naked beaver splayed out before you, and in the distance. You can exit east, west and south to the forest or north into the giant beaver.

S-
Lol lol love the woods name. I look around me. And inch towards the beaver. and slice it with my sword to see if the kill was recent

DM-
The beaver is tickled by your cold steel and spreads apart to reveal a hidden dark tunnel. It is moist and glistening, like a sweaty hairless pig.

S-
I want to get out of these woods and so i get my torch from my back pack and enter in

DM-
The moist tunnel heaves to and fro as the heat of your burning wood enters ahead of you. There is a massive tremor when you arrive into a wide cavern with a small pool of blood at the bottom.

S-
The blood looked fresh so i unsheathed my sword.

DM-
And well you should. Thousands of glowing beady red eyes peer out of the darkness...

S-
Remembering the legend of the cave of a thousand skeletons i raise my shield. Had i stumbled upon this atrocity? God help me. i pray out loud. I know today may be my last.

DM-
The eyes emerge into the flamelight, realizing your worst nightmare, it is a thousand skeletons...

S-
My grandfathers best friend never came back from the cave. Bruticus was his name. He entered to save his father who eventually became the skeleton king. I swung my sword with fierce power into two skeletons

DM-
The skeletons clatter to pieces and their souls let go to drift into hell. However as you recover from the swing a few skeletons grab your legs and one jumps on your back.

S-
I slam backwards into the wall to crush him to dust

DM-
The other skeletons hesitate, and look on at your power with awe. Slowly, they part to leave a clear way through their masses. Truly you have cowed them.

S-
I respect the skeletons as they were once villagers and warriors. I nod to them and move between the ivory hallway

DM-
Through the other end of the chasm leads a problem. There are two exits. One to the left, and one to the right

S-
I take the one to the left because the other is never right

DM-
You find yourself in a tight, narrow passage. You have to crawl on your hands and knees, but the soft, tender ground is comforting in this deep dark, dank, somewhat smelly cave.

S-
Lol dude am i going into the falopian tubes. Realizing i may be in a living cave of a vile species i stab the ground with all my might. I must destroy this vile demon

DM-
The cave tremors and in the far off distance, you hear an ear-piercing scream, though muffled by the time it reaches you. Clearly this is a crippling blow, but the beast is still alive

J-
Quickly i back track. Exiting the beaver cave i look up to see a worm. I slash it violently

DM-
Your sword sings true. The heavy blow sends the worm and thus the cavern rippling and sloshing and thrashing, until at last the cave erupts in a shower if clear-ish liquid, jettisoning the skeleton army on to the trees of the Demonfuck Forest. A few survive and huddle near you, as the dripping beaver cave collapses into itself and crumbles into the ground.
Congratulations! You get a new ability and gain five skeletons in your party.

J-
I learn to craft tools from bone. It makes my party even more useful

Dm-
Erik Slayson and his skeleton posse are now south of the ruins of Beaver Cavern. The forest looms around you. You can head in any direction except north because the destruction is too great

S-
I head further south with my posse

Dm-
You are able to cut through the thick trees and break through the brush, especially with the helpful skeletons, until you reach an opening of grass. To the west you see a road, to the east, another road, to the south, the two roads join together to head south.

S-
I decide to head east

Dm-
The road is a mere cart trail. Horse poop and dirt make it up. Beyond the road, to see a vast field where another forest lies to the southeast, a wide river and mountain to the northeast, and a high brick wall to the distant east. The road itself runs north/south.

S-
I will take the field then

Dm-
Over a grassy ridge, you spot a group of little red men running around a zebra carcass.

S-
I send one of my skeletons to investigate

DM-
The skeleton leans over the parading red fellows, and tilts his head while scratching his temple. The little red people surround the skeleton and begin slapping it in the ankle bone with their weird deformed hands.

S-
I send another skeleton to assist

DM-
the skeletons and little red demon men with deformed hands begin having a slapping match, each slapping the other's hands.

S-
I walk down to put one of the red men into my back pack to eat later on

Dm-
The red man protests, squeaking, "hey let me down!"

S-
I question him about What he is fighting my posse for

Dm-
He replies, "because you interrupted our ritual of sacrifice to the gimp god, the heart of the zebra kill, which we will soon eat! We gimps are very religious!"

S-
I place him down and have my skeletons collect all the red men. The journey is long and we will need food

Dm-
With your provisions gathered, you wonder where to head next. The impassable river to the north, the great stone wall to the east, or forest to the south.

S-
I think about drowning the red dudes but instead head to the forest

Dm-
There is a sign outside the forest , and a distant plumb of smoke to the west side of the forest and many, many squeaks and oinks coming from the forest. Beside the sign is a dirt walking path leading in. The sky is beginning to darken but it is high noon.

S-
I head into the noisy forest

Dm-
Inside you are not a few steps in when you witness some Gaul hunters chasing wild boars through the forest.

S-
I hide behind a tree stump to not be seen

Dm-
As you and your skeletons hide behind various forest objects two of the Gauls stop to catch their breath nearby. One sits on the tree-stump you are hiding behind. He laughs to his companion, "Tripledex, what a fantastic hunt! The boar here always give me a work out!" the other, who leans against a tree that one of your skeletons is hiding behind, says, "They're faster this week, Poindex."

S-
Lol. I continue to listen in on their conversation

Dm-
Poindex scratches his belly. "it's nearly the time of year I have to tend to my wife. It's going to be a long night," he sighs.
Tripledex sighs also, "if only we could be together, my friend."
"If only," agrees Poindex. They share a long lingering moment. Then a small earthquake breaks up the party. A thunderclap overhead signals the beginning of a torrential downpour.

S-
I stay hidden and open my canteen to catch the rain drops

Dm-
The two gauls agree hastily to retire to their village and hurry west.

S-
The two gauls agree hastily to retire to their village and hurry west.

Dm-
The Gaul village is surrounded by large wooden spikes, and a wisp of smoke is coming from the center of it. Hunters pour out of the forest to their home fort, and wooden gates are closed behind the last hunter. You must pass a small clearing in this heavy rain that clouds the sky. It is so stormy, that the land goes moderately grey and dark.

S-
I open my back pack. I tell the red man to sneak in and report his findings. I threaten him to do so or his family would perish

Dm-
The little man rubs his deformed hands together, more to the effect of two noodles flopping against one another. It squeaks, "alright, but be warned if a hair is harmed on their heads, I'll..." the little man's voice trailed off as he had nothing to threaten with, "well, I'll be upset, you see."
With that settled, the gimp sprints lively through the field. He runs as fast as a cheetah despite his small stature. In a minute he appears before you again. "Coast is clear, boss. Looks like everyone went inside to keep dry!"

S-
I climb the wooden shield and drop down

Dm-
The mud you land in is the same throughout the village. However no one could possibly hear you over the roaring winds, constant thunder and pounding rain. The village is built with twenty thatch houses, all build in a circle around a central hut and a large bonfire pit.

S-
I sneak up beside a small hutt and look inside the window

Dm-
you see a woman sleeping in a bed of furs. There is no one else in the simple long cabin.

S-
i hand a red man a piece of cloth and another a rope. Put that in her mouth then tie it in. Giving the other red men more rope i tell them to tie her up

Dm-
The woman wakes up to find she can neither move nor scream and she's surrounded by little red gimps.

S-
I tell them all to wait out back. and take out my sword
<END SCENE>