''IN THE BEGINNING''
It was all going according to plan. Mostly. As much as anything can go to plan in a place like this where fruit can wander around with knives and a giant brontosaurus can use a scuttled ship like a turtle shell.
It all started a few months ago...
[[SPACE PRINCESS->Page001]]
(set: $introdone to false)
(set: $foundChicka to false)
(set: $goDownstairs to false)
(set: $gotJewel to false)
(set: $Money to false)
(set: $gotDrink to false)
(set: $gotEStrabe to false)
(set: $gotParfait to false)
(set: $gotDoll to false)
(set: $fixedLaser to false)
(set: $bitsoGone to false)
(set: $angeredChika to false)
(set: $apologized to false)
(set: $maint to 0)
(set: $chikaLove to false)
(set: $amiLove to false)
(set: $rubesintro to false)
(set: $rubesranaway to false)
(set: $rubesdone to false)''The Princess What Came From All That Space''
There I was, mindin' my own business, pickin up bounties with my buds Chika the ex-pirate, Hammy the Giant Gerbil-Dog, and Bitso the android, when I see this liiiitle tiny bounty. Real simple. Drive up north, deliver a package, reasonable sum. It was on my way for a bigger job, so why not?
Turns out you shouldn't deliver cool space gems to evil space princesses with which to finally be able to power their giant... spaceship... gangs.
Okay TO BE FAIR, there was NO WAY I could have seen this all coming (do not listen to Hammy no matter what he says).
So, out of the GOODNESS OF MY HEART, mind, and certainly not at the behest of many pointy bayonets of my travelling companions, we set off to try and nip this little problem off at the bud before it blew out of proportion.
[[And it totally worked!->Page002]]''MUA HAHAHAH! MY ARMY IS COMPLETE!!''
Yeah no not really. Things got a //bi^^iit^^// out of hand when I took some time to do a few more jobs on the side and then I turned around and she had a huge army of robot tank jellyfish!? (And I must say it was comPLETELY unfair each jellyfish arm was electrified and there were ray guns at the end of each one!)
So, I had to go around all over creation rustling up an army. You know how it is, everyone and their dog has a special mission for me first, so it takes EVEN MORE time, and I slowly become basically leader of the free world by the end of it.
Ah, but it was magestic, let me tell you. Seeing all those //tanks//. And all those //GUNS//. And the ones without guns were cool too. Everyone was out there in their sunday best, let me tell you.
[[Then of course it all kinda went to shit.->Page003]]''She was a PRINCESS, OKAY!?''
Okay let me be honest here, this SPACE PRINCESS was kinda hot. And by kinda I mean a lot, and by a lot I mean I don't think anyone on this planet of greasy mechanics, half-cyborg mining machines, and good old fashioned murderous fruit can even really compare.
And you know in those stories where the bad guy is all like 'Oh hey, you look pretty tough, why don't we just do this together hmm?' and the hero is all like 'Noooo' and the villain was like 'You fool! I shall destroy you!'?
Yeaaaahhhhh.
Needless to say, the rest of my army wasn't really a big fan of that decision, //EVEN AFTER// I explained how much more awesome I could make this whole invasion - it would have been a win-win, trust me.
Well, of course in the disarray of those moments the Princess goes ahead and starts her doomsday weapon thing. Unknown to her, we had sabotaged it earlier. So it kinda...
Well it's still going on. And at first it was //really funny// but now I should probably turn it off. Only, I have no idea how and now everyone one BOTH sides is angry at ME for some reason and now I gotta figure this thing out. //I hate Mondays!!//
[[Game Start->Page004]]''METAL MAX: SPACE PRINCESS''
A SELECT YOUR OWN CHOOSE-VENTURE by a Secret Santa
Merry Christmas, Delsin
[[Let's Get This Show On The Road->Page005]]''High Atop the Princess Mecha-Jelly Tower''
You stand at the very top floor of the ball-bustingly huge tower the SPACE PRINCESS made as her final fortress. Strange metal floor, blinking lights, tentacles everywhere, you get the picture. There are no walls on this floor, so you can see for miles out into the distance.
Near the horizon you can see a giant space laser slowly carving rude words into the surrounding mountain sides. Right now it's carving a (either:"c","f","s","b")-word. You don't want to repeat it here.
There is a horrifying contraption here as well. There's a big radio dish thingy, mixed in with a pipe organ, a screen terminal, and parts of it connect all the way down the tower. This is what should be controlling the space laser.
Also here is (if: $introdone is false)[SPACE PRINCESS.](else:)[Ami.]
What would you like to do?
(if: $introdone is false)[[Go see SPACE PRINCESS->Page006-intro]]
(if: $introdone is true)[[Talk to Ami->Page006-a]]
(if: $goDownstairs is true)[[Go downstairs->Page007]]
(if: $fixedLaser is true)[[Turn this damn thing off.->Page013]]
(if: $fixedLaser is true)[[MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!->Page013-alt]]
''SPACE PRINCESS''
A tall drink of water in a desert of broken glass and lava if you ever saw one. She has like 90% the appearance of a young woman, though her skin is semi-transparent, and aqua. You can't see any organs or anything, she's just all see through like. Her clothes are a mixture of Neon and Holographic Chrome. Atop her head is a golden crown, with what looks like dozens of different charms dangling from different points all over.
She is currently sitting at a fine white-enamelled table, sipping some kind of alien tea-analogue, while one of her giant jellyfish robot servants stands at attention.
As you approach she turns her head slightly in your direction and gazes at you expectantly.
"(either: "Well, are you done yet?","Aren't you finished yet?","Get on with it!","I'm waiting!")" Ami says, with obvious impatience dripping into her voice.
There's a flurry of questions you'd like to ask, but you settle on the most important ones first.
[[Really take a good look at her.->Page006-a-a]]
[[Ask about the Doomsday Device->Page006-a-dlg1]]
[[Ask where your friends went->Page006-a-dlg2]]
[[Ask about her deal with the Jellyfish->Page006-a-dlg3]]
[[Stop talking to SPACE PRINCESS->Page005]]
(if: $gotParfait is true)[[Give her the Parfait.->Page006-a-dlg4]](if: $gotDoll is true)[[Give her the doll.->Page006-a-dlg5]]
(if: $gotJewel is true)[[Give her the SPACE JEWEL.->Page006-a-dlg6]]"Alright, so, what can you tell me about your big Space Laser you got here?"
She started gushing about all the technical details, components, engineering feats, and the like. You, with pursed lips, merely nodded along like you weren't devastatingly out of your depth and this was all very normal and understandable. You even managed a few comments like "Oh, of course", and "I have one of those back in the shop".
During a break in the word salad assaulting your ears, you finally get a word in edgewise. "Yes, that's all patently obvious of course, but how would one be able to turn it off from here?"
Popping some glowing candy into her mouth (you tried not to watch it just slowly dissolve through her transparent body) and thinking a moment, she finally said, "Well, this terminal is totally without power. You'd have to restore power to it - but that would be the last step. First you'd need to change the firing pattern, then queue it up to be sent."
That at least made some sense. You could probably muddle through that.
[[Ask about something else->Page006-a]]"Hey, where'd the others go?" you ask.
"Hmm?" she says, mid-sip. "Oh, they all went off in a huff down the tower, I guess." She made a dismissive shooing motion. "I'm sure you'll find them down there somewhere."
[[Ask something else->Page006-a]]
(set: $goDownstairs to true)"So, uh, Princess. you seem to have a lot of Jellyfish-themed devices. Any particular reason for that?"
She tilts her head for a moment, not quite following your question.
You gesture to the giant mechanized jellyfish butler waiting patiently behind her.
"Oh! You mean Kirschpanzer! He's my pet from back home. I resurrected him in all his glory as this beautiful cyborg! Couldn't leave without him. I wuv him so much I decided to model all my creations after him. Isn't that wight, you fwuffy jewwy bean!"
At that she held out a hand to the half-metal beast, which wriggled in some kind of indiscernible emotion. You watched, trying to keep a neutral face, as it embraced her. It was so huge though that she was utterly engulfed by the wriggling feelers, and you couldn't hold back a reflexive shudder.
All you can muster is a diplomatic "Hmm."
[[Ask something else.->Page006-a]]''SPACE PRINCESS''
You walk over to stand beside her.
"Soooo, yeah. You know, in all the confusion, I don't think I quite caught your name."
She harrumphed lightly, and sat down at a nearby table. It was a long moment before she finally deigned to speak, "I am SPACE PRINCESS Amilotte De Faroche Zikata Highwhite! However, in light of your offer, you may call me Ami."
You didn't sit down (there was no other seat), but instead lightly kicked at the ground as you said, "Ah, so, after all that our little arrangement still stands?"
She seemed to consider a moment before answering "Well, let's consider your handling of the current situation a test run, hmm? Yes, I think that is just the ticket."
Ah well, progress.
[[Ask her some questions.->Page006-a]]
(set: $introdone to true )''Descending the Tower''
As you walked down the stairs, you reminded yourself of the steps you needed to get through to sort out this mess. Change the firing pattern, load it into the queue, return power to the terminal, and start it from there.
You also ponder your armies, and the rest of your party. This will be a tricky juggling act, but you're sure you can end up on top. And, if worse comes to worse, you can always pretend you were just trying to fool the SPACE PRINCESS. ...Or, you could just //fix// the firing pattern and stick with Ami. You would //really// prefer if you could kinda settle everything down and just go back to shooting up gangs of rocket-powered gorillas. That was //a lot// simpler.
[[Go down.->Page008]]''Top Floor Minus One''
You lost track of how tall the tower was, but you know this is the floor just below the top floor. You can tell because there's a lot of mangled tanks and tank-things still smoking from the epic clash that happened here. The walls are decorated with countless dents and scorched pockmarks.
Hammy, your ever faithful Giant Gerbil-Dog, is running around from wreck to wreck, diggin happy as a clam.
[[Call Hammy over.->>Page008-a]]
[[Search the junk.->Page008-b]]
[[Go up.->Page005]]
[[Go down.->Page009]]"Hey Boy! C'mere you son-of-a-gun!" You yell.
Happy as all get out, he bounds over to you, covered in soot and much, and god knows what else, but you'd love him no matter what.
[["Hi boy!"->Page008-a-a]](set: _chance to (random: 1,3))
''Hammy''
Your Giant Gerbil Dog stands before you, squeaking lightly and snuffling his nose in that adorable way.
You and Chika strapped a couple of high-powered laser cannons to his back, and a bit of armour to the sides of him. You don't know if he really knows why the things he squeals at turn into tiny cauterized pieces, but he certainly doesn't seem to mind.
[[Give him a scratch->Page008-a-a-a]]
(if: _chance is not 1 or $gotJewel is true)[[Play Fetch->Page008-a-a-b]](if: _chance is 1 and $gotJewel is false)[[Play Fetch->Page008-a-a-c]]
[[Shoo Him Off->Page008]]
"Who's a good boy!? WHO IS!? YOU ARE! YEAH YOU ARE, AREN'T YA!" you say as you give him a ton of ear scratches that develop into belly rubs as he rolls over in ecstasy.
[[Go Back->Page008-a-a]]Grabbing some random stick-like detritus off the floor, you wind up and give it a good chuck off into the distance.
Like a rocket, Hammy bolts off into the pile of junk after the thing you threw.
After a time, he comes back, thing in mouth. You reach for it, and then the game of 'No Take - ONLY THROW' begins and you wrestle for it until finally Hammy wins and takes the thing off to gnaw on.
[[Go Back.->Page008-a-a]]Grabbing some random stick-like detritus off the floor, you wind up and give it a good chuck off into the distance.
Like a rocket, Hammy bolts off into the pile of junk after the thing you threw.
After a time, he comes back, thing in mouth. But it's not what you threw. You reach for it, and then the game of 'No Take - ONLY THROW' begins and you wrestle for it until finally you win, and take a look at the thing.
Hey, what do you know, it's that cool SPACE JEWEL that started this whole mess. You pocket it and give Hammy a conciliatory pat on the head.
[[Go Back.->Page008-a-a]]
(set: $gotJewel to true)You have no idea what to look for, and no idea where to start, but you take a quick gander anyway.
Eventually all the burned out detritus is just a blur so you give up give up and leave the pile empty-handed.
[[Go back.->Page008]]''Top Floor Minus Two''
Along the walls are various bashed up consoles, electrical wires sparking, and a few actual working screens spouting off Ami's Propaganda.
One of the nearby screens spouts off '(either: "EMBRACE YOUR PRINCESS", "SUBMIT TO THE POWER OF SPACE", "DARE YOU DEFY MY JELLYTANKS!?", "Only you can prevent treason! Report your neighbour today!", "Early signers get perks! Ask the nearest recruitment officer for details!", "Have you seen these insurgents?", "Your Ad here!", "MUA HAHAHAHA -SPACE PRINCESS", "Only YOU can prevent fashion disasters.")'
This was apparently the shopping level. Various kiosks hawking SPACE PRINCESS merch, some Cafés, a few vending machines and even a claw game. It's a little beat up now, but those employees are pretty devoted and are still at their posts.
[[Go up.->Page008]]
[[Check out a café.->Page009-a]]
[[Check out a shop.->Page009-b]]
[[Check out the vending machine.->Page009-c]]
[[Check out the claw game.->Page009-d]]
(if: $foundChicka is true)[[[Go down.->Page011]]](else:)[[[Go down.->Page010]]]''Café Opera''
It's small, only seats about 4 tables of four, plus a few two-person tables. At the back on a raised dais is an opulent table absolutely //covered// by colourful stickers. You don't think you can see a single part of the original table. It is permanently reserved for SPACE PRINCESS Ami.
You see here a bored looking woman with pale green translucent skin in a maid outfit. She is (either: "drying something in her hands.", "tossing coffee cups in the air.", "dancing a bit in place to the Space-POP Music.", "drinking from a cool bottle of some kind of soda.")
You can see a sign with the food items on offer. The one that jumps out at you is a Super-Buster Mille-feuille Parfait. It is, quite literally, one //thousand// layers of flavours. Five Space Bucks.
[[Go Back.->Page009]]
(if: $Money is 5)[[Order the Parfait.->Page009-a-a]]''Dollar Store... TO THE STARS''
Is there like a word, for when you feel like something is incredibly cheap, but you're from a culture so far removed and backwater that it's like still super amazing and more advanced than anything you have ever seen in your life? If that word exists, that's what you would use to describe this store. And if it doesn't, you'll make up a word for it... Fancyscheisse? No, wait, um... SubZonder?
You wander the isles, looking at the products of something like the Party City that resulted in 'Roadside Picnic' (thanks, Grandpa, for your extensive library). Any particular thing felt like it could either solve world scarcity, flood the world with skittles, or maybe replace your bones with glue.
As it happens, all those cool things are outside of our price range. But there was one thing you can afford you found at the back of one shelf covered in dust. The label said, "E-Strabe", and you have absolutely NO clue what it does. Five Space Bucks.
[[Go back.->Page009]]
(if: $Money is 5)[[Buy the thing!->Page009-b-a]]''VendNova''
You pick one of the big glowing black monoliths and walk up to it.
From the food to the drinks, not a thing isn't glowing and also neon in some way or another. You're sure that's fine. Totally fine.
(if: $Money is false)[Like any trained scavenger your hands go almost by muscle memory to the change slot. To your surprise and delight, there's a hefty coin there, '5 SPACE BUCKS'. Nice! ](if: $gotDrink is false)[At a loss for what would be good or bad, you just find the coolest looking thing you can buy for the money you have. It's a hypnotic glittering bottle, but you can only read part of it from this angle: "BRAIN SH-" and the rest is cut off.](if: $gotDrink is true)[You paw fitfully at the glass, hoping another drink will pop out, but it never does, and you silently weep to yourself.]
(if: $Money is false)[(set: $Money to 5)]
[[Go back.->Page009]]
(if: $Money is 5)[[Buy it?->Page009-c-a]]
''SPACE PRINCESS ABDUCTOTRON''
This looks fun, suspicious name notwithstanding.
You walk up to a claw-game machine. Its exterior is emblazoned with a simplistic caricature of Ami, high atop a flying saucer. She is laughing cartoonishly, and a green beam descends from the saucer in the shape of a claw, picking up a doll.
You look in the case to see the prizes on offer, and are surprised to see some really detailed dolls from media franchises you have no experience with, but it makes you want to watch all of them!
You look down and can see that the cost to play is Five Space Bucks. But hey, it says every game is a winner.
[[Go back.->Page009]]
(if: $Money is 5)[[Play the game.->Page009-d-a]]You descend the stairs and hear the familiar din of swearing, clanging, grumbling, and more swearing.
Looks like you found where Chika's nest! Now, to convince her to help you.
[[Continue.->Page011]]
(set: $foundChicka to true)The Princess was clad in colours and style so utterly alien to you that she might as well have been wearing music or the concept of annoyance, in so far as your ability to describe it visually.
Had you the knowledge of someone born in an completely alternative universe, you //might// describe it as the magnified personification of the late-80's commercial idol teenager //realized// in the fashion of the mid-90's back-alley ghetto hip-hop diva queen - with the only concession to appearances of authority being the golden crown atop her head. A concession clawed back by the desecration of turning it into the headwear equivalent to a cheap charm bracelet from a San Francisco souvenir kiosk.
Of course, you do not have such knowledge, so the best you could do would be to describe it like a visual //bludgeon// that you would gladly crawl over flaming monkey shit to be assaulted by a second time.
As you mentioned before, her entire body was composed of a mostly transparent aqua substance. She had the shape of a human, with the proportions of a skinny, gangly teenage girl. This, however, stretched out to make her almost a full head larger than you. You felt practically miniscule in her presence.
This, combined with a mature condescending look in her eyes and the perfectly razor sharp cut of her straight hair (a darker, and more opaque shade of the same aqua substance) hanging over one eye, diagonally cut at the tips to pour over her shoulder made her an intoxicating and exotic woman that you //knew// in the deepest parts of your soul could and //would// absolute rule an entire world - and you wanted in on all that action.
Her only real flaw, if it could even be called that, was that her remarkable abilities on and off the field of battle were tempered by a bratty, and dare you say a just plain irrational silly streak that could crash the best made plans just as often as they would miraculously snatch her from the brink of defeat.
She'd fit right in around here.
[[Go back.->Page006-a]]At a loss for what would be good or bad, you just find the coolest looking thing you can buy for the money you have.
After punching in the numbers, depositing your coin with thunk into the coin levitator, a blood sample, and a medical questionaire, you watch a glittering pink liquid bottle vanish from the case and miraculously materialize in the pickup tray.
That was a little over-complicated, you think to yourself, but whatever.
You pick it up, and it's pleasantly cold. The liquid is a cloudy pink, with some kind of mother-of-pearl shimmering effect when you shake it. It's called 'BRAIN SHELL: PRISM'
The bottle itself is absolutely hypnotic to you, and before you know what you`re doing, you've opened it up, and downed the whole thing!
After what feels like an hour, you come back to your senses. What you experienced was like... an entirely different existence. You were born, lived, made all kids of friends, loves, and crazy adventures, and then died happily.
You are stuck between the feelings of wanting to down another one immediately - and never wanting to drink another one again.
//Oh, Leanne. Our love was too pure for this world...//
[[Go back.->Page009]]
(set: $gotDrink to true)
(set: $Money to 0)You walk over to the maid staffer and order the parfait. She nods and disappears into the back.
At first come some normal noises. Dishes clanking, running water. A mixer. But then the noises started making less sense and you began to wonder if the lady was in some sort of distress. You would absolutely //swear// you could hear some other creature, and perhaps a scuffle of some kind at one point.
"Um, Miss? Everything okay in there?" you call out sheepishly.
"YUP BE RIGHT OUT, HON." she yells, a little too quickly.
You wait.
Eventually, the lady walks out from the kitchen and present you with the most... beautiful thing you've ever seen in your life. Somehow you just //know// that you will be able to fully taste and appreciate every single one of the 1000 flavours layered in this parfait. You feel putting a spoon or straw in this would be a desecration of a holy relic. You want to weep, but you manage to hold back and only shed a single tear.
You thank her in a hushed whisper, hold it lovingly in your arms, and leave the shop.
[[Go back.->Page009]]
(set: $gotParfait to true)
(set: $Money to 0)Picking up the inscrutable device, you take it to the counter and a //(sigh)// giant robot jellyfish starts to ring you up. It doesn't talk but just kinda manhandles you until eventually the money is gone and the E-Strabe is in your pocket.
You're like 27% certain you got like 4% molested but you'll let it slide.
//This time//
[[Go back.->Page009]]
(set: $gotEStrabe to true)
(set: $Money to 0)Sliding the massive coin into the slot, some pleasant MIDI beeps chimed out letting you knwo to start.
"You foolish worms belong to me~!" Ami's synthesized voice stumbles out of the poor quality speaker somewhere in the machine.
You grab the controls, and start guiding them towards one particular doll. Claw goes down... Dammit!
"How dare you escape me, maggot~!" Ami's muffled voice says again, from the machine.
As you kept failing over and over, you began to really feel the spiteful things the game's voice was saying, and when you finally hooked the one doll you were gunning after obsessively, you let out a legit "MUAHAHA! YOU BELONG TO ME!"
Regaining your composure, you bend down and take the doll out of the drop chute.
It's a fascinating combination of a witch and a scantily clad maid. However, she's also holding a serving dish with a large cartoonish bomb on top, with a skull emblem on it. Her face, has a mischievous sneer on it.
Pleased with yourself, you pocket it and walk off.
[[Go back.->Page009]]
(set: $gotDoll to true)
(set: $Money to 0)''Top Floor Minus Three''
The floor here is taken up by the vanguard of your army, all laid out in orderly rows. Just seeing all your beautiful tanks brings a smile to your face. Big Green, Betsy, Toodles, Reaper, Toto Recall, Jim Beam MkII. And there, right front and center, was your baby: Alphonse the Red Wolf.
The scene is tainted slightly by half of the Red Wolf's innards strewn about the place in a careless, disorganized mess. You didn't need to look to know that Chika was waist deep into the hull of it, performing some kind of maintenance. You swear every time that there's usually left over parts when she gets it all back together, but the thing keeps working regardless.
(if: $bitsoGone is not true)[Also here is Bitso, standing at attention to her side, holding various tools. He acknowledges your presence with a curt nod. Chika does not.]
[[Go up.->Page009]]
(if: $bitsoGone is not true)[[Go see Bitso.->Page011-a]]
(if: $angeredChika is not true and $apologized is not true)[[Go see Chika.->Page011-b]](if: $angeredChika is not true and $apologized is true)[[Go see Chika.->Page011-b-dlg4]]
[[Go down.->Page012]]''Bitso''
What's to say about the guy? You found him in a scrap heap, Chika fixed him up, and his dry sarcastic wit is the //glue// that keeps this whole operation running. Other than your flawless leadership, of course.
At least you think it's sarcastic. It's hard to tell sometimes.
He stands before you, unmoving like a statue.
He looks like someone took a flawless example of a human, slapped some really obvious shiny metal parts on them, then drew a bunch of lines where the joints should (while making all joints skin-smooth and invisible) be and told him to move around as though he could pass for human no problem but to move around with really bad robot impression instead.
'(either:"HELLO. SIR. YOU CERTAINLY DO NOT LOOK TERRIBLE.", "I AM GLAD YOU ARE HERE. SIR.", "HAVE I TOLD YOU TODAY HOW GREAT A LEADER YOU ARE? THERE IS NO NEED.", "MONDAYS. AM I RIGHT. SIR.", "CAN LOVE BLOOM ON THE BATTLEFIELD.")' (either:"he said while flailing around in an almost insultingly fake robotic shamble.","His mouth opened wide and closed sharply while talking with no middle ground.")
[[Ask about the Doomsday Device.->Page011-a-dlg1]]
[[Go back.->Page011]]''Chika''
Chika is your childhood friend. When you first started your journey, she came along just to keep an eye on you. That's what she said anyway. You think she might actually have a thing for fixing things and you were the primary reason things got broken back home. Gotta go where the work is. Not that anyone gets paid around here.
She's the kind of girl that wears a lot of camo, and grease. You don't know if there was ever an occasion you've seen her in anything other than those two things. You could have sworn //for years// she was a brunette until once she had a bath and you found out she was a redhead. Go figure.
You walk up to Chika. She's still hips deep into the innards of your favourite tank, Alphonse the Red Wolf. After a few polite coughs, you finally cotton on that she is purposely avoiding you. You'd be worried but this isn't exactly an uncommon occasion.
[[Apologize.->Page011-b-dlg1]]
[[Lay on the old Tanker charm.->Page011-b-dlg2]]
[[Order her to talk to you.->Page011-b-dlg3]]
[[Go back.->Page011]]
''Top Floor Minus Four''
This was where you found a vulnerable access point to mess with Ami's Giant Death Ray Space Laser.
Before you is something like a fuse box, but about three times as massive, and with wires, knobs, switches, hand plates, eye scanners, bubbling vats of fluid, and you think someone jammed some bubblegum in there too.
The back of the panel door shows you some instructions. You balk at the list of repair steps.
(if: $fixedLaser is not true)[//Uuughhh, can't someone else do this..?//](else:)[//Yup you sure did the thing. Gold star.//]
(if: $fixedLaser is not true)[[Let's get this over with.->Page012-a]]
[[Go up.->Page011]]
(if: $rubesintro is not true)[[Go Down.->Page015]]"Hey man, you remember what we did to the Giant Space Laser, right?"
Bitso made a show of jerkily looking in your direction before flapping his perfectly functional mouth like a tinkertoy, saying, "YES. SIR. WHIRR. MIGHT I SAY YOUR ADDITION OF THE RUDE WORDS WAS A FANTASTIC IDEA THAT HAS NO REPURCUSSIONS."
"Yeah yeah."
"ALSO. JOINING FORCES WITH THE SPACE PRINCESS. MASTERSTROKE."
"Hey! It IS a masterstroke, if you guys would let me explain!" you protested.
Bitso simply looked at you expectantly.
"Well, I mean, after I get this mess sorted first. Priorities."
"OF COURSE. VERY REASONABLE."
"Shaddap and tell me how to like, change the firing pattern, queue it to be sent, and restore power to the terminal upstairs."
"IT IS A VERY SIMPLE. TWELVE STEP PROCESS. SIMPLY FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS ON THE INNER PANEL. AS LONG AS YOU GET TEN OF THEM RIGHT. YOU WILL REPAIR THE SYSTEM ENOUGH TO SHUT IT OFF. OR. IF YOU HAD AN E-STRABE. I COULD DO IT FOR YOU. THAT WOULD BE SAFER."
[[GO BACK.->Page011]]
(if: $gotEStrabe)[[GIVE E-STRABE.->Page011-a-dlg1-a]]"Oh, hey, I got one of those ri-" you begin, but before you can even fully take it out of your pack, Bitso removes all pretences of walking around like a puppet and just casually takes it out of your hands and walks downstairs with it - after unceremoniously dumping all the tools he was holding into your arms.
In a surprisingly quick amount of time, he returns, gives you a thumbs up and wanders off. Hey, wait a minute...
"Hey! Get back here and take all this back!!" you shout after him, but he doesn't return.
Grumbling, you stand around and hand Chika tools and parts until your arms get tired and you sneak off.
[[Go back.->Page011]]
(set: $gotEStrabe to false)
(set: $fixedLaser to true)
(set: $bitsoGone to true)You sigh, and gently knock on the tank.
"Hey, can we talk for a minute?" you say, in that tone you only ever use when you're going to be 100% serious.
You can hear a muffled sigh-like noise from within the tank, and slowly Chika extricates herself from the Tank's innards and stands before you, wiping her hands in a towel and looking at you with scepticism.
"I want to apologize. And explain myself."
Her expression remains unchanged.
"It was a dumb move. Saying I'd join her, I mean. But not for the reasons you're probably thinking!"
Her expression goes from sceptical to downright 'oh this is going to be rich.'
"You know me, I'm all about taking the third way. When she said that, my head was filled with ways I could turn that to our advantage and take her down without a fight at all! And I //had// to play it 100% straight or she'd know it was a ruse. And, obviously, I couldn't let you guys in on it before hand because I hadn't even thought of the possibility. I had //thought// that everyone would cotton on eventually to my plan, but I can see now that, since I usually am so unpredictable, something even //that// outlandish was entirely within people's perceptions of me. So, I'm sorry. That I... That I made you think I was abandoning everyone. And worst of all, for making you all think I'd ever do such a thing in the first place."
She seemed to consider you for a moment. Her veneer of disdain and sarcasm lowered just enough and you could see the real Chika underneath for a second. Then, she sighed, wound up for a massive hit... and just lightly rapped you on the shoulder.
"You... dummy. Don't scare me- I mean, US, like that again! You absolute moron."
Smiling and giggling in nervousness, you promise to try to minimize your streak of bonkers ideas for at least two whole weeks. She giggles, and gives you a greasy hug. Then she hits you pretty darn hard on the shoulder and tells you not to get any ideas.
[[Ask her some questions.->Page011-b-dlg4]]
(set: $apologized to true)What this situation needs is a little bit of the old fashioned charm your grandpappy taught you. Then again he did have like 5 failed marriages but you try to put that out of your mind.
"Hey baby come on, don't be that way," you say, in your best smouldering voice.
You hear a sharp snort, and a suppressed giggle. Chika then begins to extricate herself from the vehicle, and stand before you with a silly smirk on your face.
"Oh my god, you're such a doofus," she says.
"Nuh uh. Women can't resist the power of //MOJO//."
She giggles again and gestures upstairs. "Evidently."
"H-hey now, she's an alien, She has to be immune in some way."
"Is this your weird dork way of trying to apologize?"
You sigh and cartoonishly hang your head. It was your best shot at a hard woo, but you'll just pretend it wasn't for your own Ego's sake. "Ya got me. Let me explain what really happened."
She holds up a hand. "Save it. I know the story you're going to try to sell me, but you and I both know you just thought she was super hot and then you lost your mind to //lack of blood to the brain//."
You open your mouth to protest, but before a word gets out she grabs your head in her two, very strong, greasy hands and whispers, "I forgive you. //This time.// I know men are weak. That's what grandmammy used to always tell me and durned if she wasn't right. But you do something like that again and I'll //harvest you for parts. Capiche?//"
You feel a cold chill run down your spine, and all you can manage is a stiff nod.
Her utterly terrifying face is instantly replaced with an almost beatific, divine smile.
//She is one scary girl...//
[[Ask her some questions.->Page011-b-dlg4]]
(set: $apologized to true)"Chika, this is ridiculous. Stop moping around down here and talk to me. Right now. That's an order."
At that, you heard her drop something in surprise.
Slowly, every so slowly, she withdrew from the tank.
The instant you saw her face you realized you made a terrible, terrible mistake.
"What the fuck did you just say to me? ME? You ORDER me to listen to whatever half-cocked shit-brained excuse you decided to come up with in the 5 minute walk down here? Now, you listen //to me// you little shit. I've put up with a lot to take care of my baby here. I even volunteered to follow your brain-dead ass out of town. Was it from the goodness of my heart? Hell no! I didn't want to see this old beauty run into the ground two weeks out and left in the ditch! You don't get to order me to do //anything//, lunkhead!!"
This went on for a little while. You'd really prefer not to repeat the things she said. You don't think you could bear to hear them a second time.
You try to apologize, but it falls on deaf ears and she refuses to talk to you again.
[[Go back.->Page011]]
(set: $angeredChika to true)''Chika''
Chika is your childhood friend. When you first started your journey, she came along just to keep an eye on you. That's what she said anyway. You think she might actually have a thing for fixing things and you were the primary reason things got broken back home. Gotta go where the work is. Not that anyone gets paid around here.
She's the kind of girl that wears a lot of camo, and grease. You don't know if there was ever an occasion you've seen her in anything other than those two things. You could have sworn //for years// she was a brunette until once she had a bath and you found out she was a redhead. Go figure.
[[Ask her about the Doomsday Device.->Page011-b-dlg5]]
[[Ask her about the armies.->Page011-b-dlg6]]
(if: $gotParfait is true)[[Give her the Parfait.->Page011-b-dlg7]](if: $gotDoll is true)[[Give her the doll.->Page011-b-dlg8]]
(if: $gotJewel is true)[[Give her the SPACE JEWEL->Page011-b-dlg9]]
[[Go back.->Page011]]"Hey, got any tips for fixing this stupid doomsday device thing?" you ask.
"Hmm, yeah. Pay attention. You can do a bunch of things all in a random order, but if you miss your shot you'll have to go all the way to the terminal at the top and reset it." she says.
"I don't suppose I could get you -" you begin, but she quickly interrupts your with a wrench to the skull and you don't finish your sentence.
[[Go Back.->Page011-b-dlg4]]You recall you haven't seen like anyone else around up here, and you ask "Hey, Chika, where did all the army leaders go?"
She looks at you sourly and says, "What do you think? They're all talking about how to lynch you!"
"I think it would be best if that didn't happen," you say matter of factly after a moment.
"Yeah, no shit, sherlock. Relax, I'll talk to them for you. YOU OWE ME ONE."
"Thanks! I knew I could count on you!"
And another bonk to the head.
[[Go back.->Page011-b-dlg4]]"Hey Chiiikaaaaa," you say, smiling slyly. "I got you a preeeeseeeent."
"Oh really?" she said, clearly not expecting much.
"Check out this monstrous dessert I got you! It is the Super-Buster Mille-feuille Parfait. It is, quite literally, one //thousand// layers of flavours!"
She is about to give you sarcastic jibe back when she falls utterly silent as she sees it. "Is that... really one thousand flavours..?"
"Mhmmmm"
"And this is all for me..?"
"Every last spoonful."
Her eyes glaze over in sheer wonder and delight, and she gingerly takes it from your hands.
At the very first spoonful, her face is frozen for a full 5 seconds until it finally blushes brightly and melts into ecstacy. You can't help but warmly smile as she finishes every last drop of it.
To your surprise, she hesitates at the last spoonful. "Hey. Um. Close your eyes and say 'ah'."
You do so. "Aaah-MM!"
She slipped the spoon into your mouth. Your lips closed around it and she pulled it out. Just as the flavours began to wash over your tongue, she gave you a kiss while your eyes were closed.
You opened your eyes to find her blushing like crazy, and as soon as your eyes locked she absolutely wailed on your in sheer embarrassment.
Eventually she calmed down and told you you would die a slow painful death if you repeated what happened in this room. You believed her.
[[Go back.->Page011-b-dlg4]]
(set: $gotParfait to false)
(set: $chikaLove to true)"Hey Chiiikaaaaa," you say, smiling slyly. "I got you a preeeeseeeent."
"Oh really?" she said, clearly not expecting much.
"I actually had to fight a tough battle to get this for you, but I dunno, when I saw it it just screamed to me like it was meant for you."
You sheepishly pull the Witch/Maid/Bombgirl doll out of your pocket and hold it out to Chika.
She takes a second of complete unrecognition before her whole face lights up!
"Oh my god, it's so cool! And cute! And like.. it's just me!" she says. Then, she looks a bit sad, and asks you "Don't you think I'm not girly enough to have a doll like this though..?"
You give her a wink. "Well, I don't think so. But, if you're really worried about your cred, it'll be our little secret, kay?"
She's silent for a second, before she quietly asks, "...You really think I'm girly..?"
You were //so// tempted to give her a hard time here, but instead you were honest and said, "W-well, um... Y-yeah of course!"
"Oh, this is so amazing! Thank you!" she says, giving you a big hug, that stays for a little longer than you'd expect. And longer. She's holding you very tight. And very quietly you hear her whisper in your ear, "Thank you so much..."
A few moments later, she pulls away, and sheepishly looks away. Then, she squels and runs into the tank with glee. She pokes her head out a moment later with a death glare on her face and tells you that if you blab about any of this they'll never find your body. You believe her.
[[Go back.->Page011-b-dlg4]]
(set: $gotDoll to false)
(set: $chikaLove to true)"Hey Chiiikaaaaa," you say, smiling slyly. "I got you a preeeeseeeent."
"Oh really?" she said, clearly not expecting much.
"It's a blast from the past... But now you, too, can have your very own... drumroll please... totally zonkers SPACE JEWEL!!"
She gasps, and asks, "Holy moly, where did you get that!? Nevermind - do you know what we could do with that? We could turn dear Alphonse into an unstopable killing machine! We could blow the tops off of mountains, or OOooh maybe~!"
And you've lost her. She holds the jewel in her hands and starts rambling about some honestly very unsettling things she's do with such infinite power! You manage a diplomatic 'Hmm' every once in a while.
She giggles, and spins with her new jewel for a moment. "Thank you so much! Oooh I could just kiss you!" she squeals, and before she even takes a second thought she gives you a quick kiss on the lips.
Shocked she actually did it, she freaks out a bit and bonks you about a billion times and makes you promise to never tell anyone about any of this or she'll tell literally every other girl you meet for the rest of your life that you wet the bed. You believe her.
[[Go back.->Page011-b-dlg4]]
(set: $gotJewel to false)
(set: $chikaLove to true)''Fix the Thing''
(set: $maint to $maint + 1)
You mostly remember the instructions.
(if: $maint >=0 and $maint < 4)[First you had to set up the new firing pattern, right?](if: $maint >=4 and $maint < 7)[Okay now you ave to queue it up to be sent to the satellite, right?](if: $maint >=7 and $maint < 11)[Alright, now I just have to restore power to the terminal right?](if: $maint >=11)[Wait is this right? Do I have to start over?]
(either: "[[Put the red wire to the green switch.->Page012-a]]","[[Put the green wire to the blue switch.->Page012-a]]","[[Vent some coolant.->Page012-a]]")
(either: "[[Flip all the switches up.->Page012-a]]","[[Flip all the prime numbered switches down.->Page012-a]]","[[Spin the dial antiforward clockwise.->Page012-a]]")
(either: "[[Twist some knobs.->Page012-a]]","[[Pull some levers.->Page012-a]]","[[Hold down your handprint.->Page012-a]]")
(if: $maint is 10)[[I think you are finished?->Page012-b]](if: $maint >=0 and $maint < 4)[[Swear at the panel.->Page012-a]](if: $maint >=4 and $maint < 7)[[Sneeze and accidentally do something but not be sure what.->Page012-a]](if: $maint >=7 and $maint < 10)[[Wish you were finished.->Page012-a]]
(set: $maint to $maint%12)You take a look at the fuse box thing.
"Yep, that's all fixed up!" you say with absolutely 100% feigned confidence.
You just kinda... close the lid to the panel and... back away.
[[Back away slowly.->Page012]]
(set: $fixedLaser to true)You step up to the terminal, and see a bunch of crazy blinking lights, glyphs in an alien language that look like english letters but slightly fancier, and everything else is all done up in a Teen Idol Glitz Glam theme.
You hold your chin in contemplation, and contemplate your next move when you become aware that Ami, Chika, Bitso, and Hammy have also found their way here.
(if: $chikaLove is true and $amiLove is false)["It's this one, doofus." Chika says, pointing to the GIANT RED BUTTON that says 'START'. Oy...](if: $chikaLove is false and $amiLove is true)["It's this one, sweetie." Ami says, pointing to the GIANT RED BUTTON that says 'START'. Oy...](if: $chikaLove is false and $amiLove is false)["IT IS THIS ONE. MORON." Bitso says, pointing to the GIANT RED BUTTON that says 'START'. Hey that's just plain mean...](if: $chikaLove is true and $amiLove is true)["It's this one, doofus." "It's this one, sweetie." Chika and Ami say, at the same time, pointing to the GIANT RED BUTTON that says 'START'. After, they both look at each other and give each other a challenging look. Oh yeah this is going to turn out just fine, you can tell.]
Quickly moving on, you press the button, and the whole horrifying contraption undergoes a metamorphosis, transforming into a giant ray gun, and aiming into the heavens, while ominous organ music plays.
"Yeah, it does that every time. I never really thought about how it would kinda lose its gravitas when there wasn't a big battle going on in the background." Ami announced.
Diplomatically, Chika said, "It's very nice. It was very intimidating at the time."
"Oh that's very kind of you to say, thank you."
You think the conversation might have gone on, but then there was a tremendous ''PEW'' as it fired off into space, and about 8 seconds later, the giant space laser, half-finished in a lewd drawing of a pinup girl, turned off and the roaring in the air abated.
Two seconds later, you fall to your knees and scream, "NOOOO!!!"
Startled, everyone asks what the hell you're doing.
"I forgot to yell out 'MISSION ACCOMPLISHED' and slam the button down! I've been looking forward to that for Months! ''MONTHS!!''"
Ami chimed in, "Well, we could always turn it on again."
Everyone else shouted a definite, "NO!" and Ami shrugged. Then they all walked off to allow you to wallow in your misery.
[[Epilogue.->Page014]]"Heeeey Priiiinceeeees!" you begin, "I've got a surpriiiise for youuuu!"
You actually get her full undivided attention for a moment, and she puts down her tea and regards you with a positive expression and a single raised eyebrow.
"Soo, I know we probably got on the wrong foot with the whole invasion thing. That's probably both of our faults. Kinda. BUT, I thought we could start over with this."
You present her with the parfait, and her eyes light up in genuine joy.
"Oooh~! The Super-Buster mille-feuille! That's my favourite! How did you know?"
You think back to the Café with the raised dais reserved only for her. "Oh, I just had one of those feelings. And don't worry, It's all for you, okay?"
"Unnacceptable. KIRSCHPANZER!! CHAIR!" she screeches and does a little double-clap.
For a brief, horrifying moment, you think she means to have Kirschpanzer, her giant robot cyborg jellyfish butler be your chair. But instead it floats off and brings an identical chair.
She points down right beside her, and you and the chair are suddenly heart-racingly close.
She takes a single bite and actually lets out a girlish squeal! Then, another and you can see that her insides are almost bubbling with excitement. She's about to take a third bite, but then she notices you haven't tried any, and insists that you try some this instant.
You smile sheepishly and give in. When the first molecule of parfait hits your tongue, it's like you have been transported to a completely other plane. A dimension of cool desserts, honey-pink skies, and infinitely falling through fizzing bubble soda.
She actually smiles what you can tell is a real unfettered smile at your reaction, and from then on you take turns eating it, and gushing about it.
Without notice, or a comment afterwards, she gives you a gentle, warm kiss on your cheek. "After you get this thing turned off, you and I shall have to talk about your friends. I'd like to know more about them." Then, winking conspiratorially, says, "And how to quietly take over the world //your way//. Hee hee!"
Hmm, you think you can work with that.
"Ooh, and then when that's all done, I can show you to daddy!"
Hoo boy...
[[Go back.->Page006-a]]
(set: $gotParfait to false)
(set: $amiLove to true)"Heeeey Priiiinceeeees!" you begin, "I've got a surpriiiise for youuuu!"
You actually get her full undivided attention for a moment, and she puts down her tea and regards you with a positive expression and a single raised eyebrow.
"Soo, I know we probably got on the wrong foot with the whole invasion thing. That's probably both of our faults. Kinda. BUT, I thought we could start over with this."
You present her with the Witch/Maid/Bombgirl Doll, and her eyes light up in genuine joy.
"Oooh~! The Super-Rare Limited-Edition Doki-Doki Bomb-Maid from that one anime that only aired for 15 minutes before being taken off the air!! I've been looking EVERYWHERE for this! How did you know?"
You think back to the Claw Game themed after her, in her very own fortress. "Oh, it wasn't easy, let me tell you. But I don't like to brag so I'll spare you the details."
"Oh, you're so wonderful. KIRSCHPANZER!! COLLECTION!" she screeches and does a little double-clap.
Kirschpanzer, the giant robot butler cyber thing, instantly jets off. In mere seconds, it returns with a MASSIVE display case. You can't believe it could fly around while carrying it, to be honest.
Once it set the case down, you could see that it was absolutely stuffed full of simmilar dolls, with specilized places for each individual doll with lights and everything
Ami skips over to the case, opens it up, and puts the Doll inside. As she does so, you notice that she was placing it at the very top of the case, in a spot seemingly left open for it. You can't see any other empty spaces.
"Was that the last piece?" you ask, walking up beside her.
In answer she picks //you// up in her arms like you were a damzel in distress and kisses your head over and over. "Yes yes yesss you wonderful man!"
"You are a very resourceful young man. I'm //definitely// keeping you around." she says giving you a difficult to describe expression that makes your heart race.
Without notice, or a comment afterwards, she puts you down and gives you a pat on the head. "After you get this thing turned off, you and I shall have to talk about your friends. I'd like to know more about them." Then, winking conspiratorially, says, "And how to quietly take over the world //your way//. Hee hee!"
Hmm, you think you can work with that.
"Ooh, and then when that's all done, I can show you to daddy!"
Hoo boy...
[[Go back.->Page006-a]]
(set: $gotDoll to false)
(set: $amiLove to true)"Heeeey Priiiinceeeees!" you begin, "I've got a surpriiiise for youuuu!"
You actually get her full undivided attention for a moment, and she puts down her tea and regards you with a positive expression and a single raised eyebrow.
"Soo, I know we probably got on the wrong foot with the whole invasion thing. That's probably both of our faults. Kinda. BUT, I thought we could start over with this."
You present her with the SPACE JEWEL you found earlier, and her eyes light up in genuine joy.
"Oooh My BOING you found the OTHER ONE!!! The Zetoid Magnochrome Emerald!! I've been looking EVERYWHERE for this! How in glob did you find this??"
You think back to the playing fetch literally one floor down, in her very own fortress. "Oh, I've been looking for it all over too. I was looking for it to make my own army. But I know you are really in to these, and we're starting over, so, here."
"Oh, you're so thoughtful. KIRSCHPANZER!! HEEL!" she screeches and does a little double-clap.
Kirschpanzer, the giant robot butler cyber jellyfish, instantly appears next to Ami. It unceremoniously opens up some kind of hidden hatch in its center and spills out all its innards.
Ignoring the mess, Ami walks up to the open hatch, and places the SPACE JEWEL next to another nearly identical jewel.
Afterwards, she just starts randomly shoving half-mechanical jellyfish bits back into the hatch and just kinda jams it closed until it clicks.
Now, Kirschpanzer seems to almost be glowing with some kinda of crazy divine power.
"KRISCHPANZER! RAY GUN!" she screeches. Kirschpanzer lays one of it's tentacles in her hands, and she instantly spins and fires over the edge of the tower with incredible speed and accuracy.
When you look at where she fired, you can see a nearby mountainside is scorched a symbol. On it is a heart with your name + ami. There's lots of little hearts everywhere too.
Ami spins the tentacle in her hands like a pistol pro, and blows off the end before letting it fall back to her pet.
"Hehe, maybe we can take over Daddy's Kingdom instead, with this!" She says giggling. Then, she waltzes over to you, wraps her arms around your neck and kisses you very firmly. After she says in a sultry voice, "If you're this useful all the time, there's more where that came from."
Yyyeeep, that heart is going a bit crazy right now.
Without notice, or a comment afterwards, she lets you go and gives you a wink. "After you get this thing turned off, you and I shall have to talk about your friends. I'd like to know more about them." Then, winking conspiratorially, says, "And we'll talk about our //invasion plans!// Hee hee!"
Hmm, you think you can work with that.
"Ooh, and if that doesn't work out, I can show you to daddy!"
Hoo boy...
[[Go back.->Page006-a]]
(set: $gotJewel to false)
(set: $amiLove to true)Well, that was that. What's more to say really. I saved the day. I Didn't get lynched by the great masses, and I kinda gave up my position as 'Leader of the Free World' to go back to just rollin' bounties and callin' ladies. Eventually we more or less explained things to the rubes, and things have gone back to normal.
Okay maybe not that last one.
I still got my boy Hammy. He and I are inseperable. There's just something about a boy and his giant gerbil dog that's impossible to describe, but it's like inevitable, ya know?
Bitso is still around. I still dont' know quite know how much of what he says is sarcasm and dry wit, or how much he's just kinda mean, but he can sling a pistol better than anything I've ever seen when he's not pretending to be a cheap machine. And I wouldn't trade his delightful robot dance for anything.
As for Chika, and Ami, well...
(if: $chikaLove is true and $amiLove is false)[[Continue.->Page014-a]]
(if: $chikaLove is false and $amiLove is true)[[Continue.->Page014-b]]
(if: $chikaLove is true and $amiLove is true)[[Continue.->Page014-c]]
(if: $chikaLove is false and $amiLove is false)[[Continue.->Page014-d]]''Life with Chika''
I managed to convince Ami to cancel the invasion. Apparently she was just kinda bored and landed here for a rest stop, decided to stretch her legs a little.
She decided to stick around, though. Last I saw her, she started her own pirate crew, and was flying all over the place in a giant armored manta ray. I've seen worse career moves (having done several myself). Calls herself 'The Dread Piratess Queen Highwhite! MUAHAHA' and yes the muahaha is in that title.
Chika and I are still roaming the land, shootin up weirdos and collecting more tanks. I dare say I notice her punching me a lot less, and smiling at me a bit more. And occasionally, when nobody else is looking, you even get a quick kiss on the cheek! Once, she even stood up for you from one of Bitso's more biting remarks!
"Ahh, this is the life."
[[THIS STORY IS HAPPY END->THE END]]''Life with Ami''
Well, life has certainly been interesting since we stopped that big space laser.
I managed to have a bit of a closed-door negotiation with Ami and we settled on a bit of a different track for her invasion plan. We'll pretend that she surrendered to me, and we use that goodwill plus the chaos of the situation to set up a bit of a peacekeeping nation.
It's all a ruse, of course, but we're patient. Everyone loves me already, so we'll just sorta ease into this whole 'ruling the world mua ha ha' thing and see how it goes? It's certainly a damn sight better than wondering where your next meal is coming from out on the long lonely road.
I even managed to sell Chika on the idea, mostly on the merits that I would get her a LOT of new toys to play with. She had a few 'mua ha ha's' of her own after I told her that. //That's... probably okay. I hope.//
As I sit side by side with Ami on Neon and Chrome thrones, with Hammy sitting between us, I can't help but kick back a bit and sigh, "I could get used to this!" Ami winked at me just then, and blew me a kiss. //Definitely.//
"Daddy will love to meet you~!" she says, whistfully looking up to the heavens.
//Oh God...//
[[THIS STORY IS HAPPY END->THE END]]''Secret Harem Ending!''
Well, that is a... very interesting and complicated story!
On the plus side, the girls have more or less kind of worked out their differences together. This very much terrifies me. They both have very competitive and... //strong// personalities, I'll say.
We also compromised on our... //mission objectives// I'll say. We've gone back to being bounty hunters, but with Ami's influence, we've also started getting more people, more teams, more tanks. It's become quite the operation.
Chika has, amazingly, taken to this like my grand pappy to a keg of sewer ale! She's aquired her own team of top knotch mechanics, and other useful people, to do all our dirty work.
In the words of Ami, "If you can't beat em, join em, then take over from the inside!" That works for me.
I think this way of thinking involves me as well. In that I think they are both trying to take me over from the inside. They each steal their moments with me when nobody is around. Which is nice! I'm hoping to keep that going. Yes yes, I know, I'm a bit of a cad. That's not surprising. But in this world, nothing is exactly standard.
Once, they even both kissed my cheek at the same time. //That certainly occupied my thoughts for the rest of the day.//
So, this could all end //amazingly// or it will explode in a fiery supernova of passion and blood! Personally? I'm kinda hoping for a bit of both!
[[THIS STORY IS HAPPY END->THE END]]''Normal Ending''
Well, things have more or less turned back to normal that way too?
Ami got bored of Earth pretty quickly, and left for home. That was kinda dissapointing. But Chika stuck around. Still the same tomboy of a girl from back home.
I looked over at her as we both sat on top of Alphonse, as Bitso drove it down another long road with no name. "So," I started. "In this next town, we gonna be the good guys, or the bad guys?"
She looked over at me, and said, "As if you need to ask."
I smiled, and pushed some goggles down on to me eyes. "That's what I like to hear. Let's ride!"
[[THIS STORY IS HAPPY END->THE END]]''The End''
Well, there you have it. This story is over. It was a lot of work, but I really enjoyed myself! It also took me forever! Holy dang jeez. I need to think of quicker projects next year, that's for sure.
Did you find all the endings? If not, I'll give you a hint. They all revolve around the girls. Your second hint is that the key to the final hidden ending is with Hammy! If you got the Harem ending your first time, congrats you lucky duck!
Merry Christmas, Delsin. If you find any bugs, I'm sorry!!
[[Restart?->Page000]]
[[Credits!->Credits]]''Top Floor Minus Five''
//What the heck is even down here?// You wonder to yourself as you stagger down the stairs. Your memory of the events starts to get a bit foggy, trying to look back, and all you can really easily recall is the big battle on the top floors and the sabotage.
As you turn a corner you see all the giant pack of MASSIVE RUBES milling about amongst themselves. You quickly try to turn the fuck around and pretend you never saw them but they definitely saw you.
Shit.
One of them walks up to you and demands an explanation, in a loud, demagogue-trying-to-rally-support-for-a-lynching sort of way.
Double Shit.
"Umm, yes, People of the World! Listen up. Wait, hold on a second..."
You turn around and take a quick sip of something in your 'Mondays' Hip flask.
[[Give inspiring speech.->Page015-a]]
[[Run the hell away like the coward you are.->Page015-b]]
(set: $rubesintro to true)''This Is Not The Greatest Speech In The World, No. This Is Just A Tribute!''
Your hands automatically begin to animate to crowd-talk mode while you make your best self-aggrandizing smile. If perchance you were seen by people of a completely different reality they would probably describe it as a "Loki just about to impress some rubes" smile. But that's not a thing so you just call it "The Cad Mayor Caught Red-Handed With The Secretary At The Town Festival."
[[Friends..!->Page015-a-1]]
[[Wastelanders..!->Page015-a-2]]
[[Gullible Townsfolk..!->Page015-a-3]]"People of the, //belch//, people of the wasteland, lend me your ea- HOLY CRAP WHAT IS THAT!?" You exclaim, point above and behind them
To a man, they all turn and gawk in the direction you pointed, and you use the opportunity to fly back up the stairs like the majestic gazelle you are and try to forget this whole thing ever happened!
You are a political genius!
[[Back to Sanity.->Page012]]
(set: $rubesranaway to true)''Friends..!''
"Friends, please, lend me your ears! We are so, so close to victory. So Close. We've been through some //hard times//." You point to one of the guys nodding, "Yeah, that guy gets it. The pit traps. The Mercenary bands. The goddamn robot jellyfish!! Am I right?"
A few murmurs from the crowd.
"I Said, AM I RIGHT!?"
They shout their agreement!
"Man, those were just terrible. So I know how it is. We're all tired. Worn out. We want to go back home, see our families. Or, back to raping and pillaging - yes I can see you back there! You rascals."
//Where was I...//
"So, about The SPACE PRINCESS..."
[[Opening your heart to forgiveness is hard...->Page015-a-4]]
[[Mistakes were made...->Page015-a-5]]
[[Well geez who wouldn't tap that..?->Page015-a-6]]''Wastelanders..!''
"Wastelanders, please, hear me! Our world has been threatened! And, by someone that's not us for a change! Are we going to //let them get away with that!?//"
Some murmurs from the crowd.
"I Said, are we going to LET THEM GET AWAY WITH THAT!?"
They begin to shout and rabble in agreement with you!
"Damn right we won't! If anyone is going to blow up our shit, it'll be us! We won't let a bunch of Jelly-livered alien scum go around pew-pewing us from their comfy, bourgeousie [sic] living rooms!? WE'RE GONNA TAKE THIS PLANET BACK."
//Where was I...//
"So, about The SPACE PRINCESS..."
[[Opening your heart to forgiveness is hard...->Page015-a-4]]
[[Mistakes were made...->Page015-a-5]]
[[Well geez who wouldn't tap that..?->Page015-a-6]]''Gullible Townsfolk..!''
"Gullible townsfolk, let's not beat around the bush here. Half of you were drop dead drunk when we formed this army. I bet a good chunk of you didn't even hear my amazing, heartfelt plea back in the world council meeting and just saw a big group of people lookin to rough some folks up and tagged along."
Some murmurs of the crowd.
"Be honest."
Some shamefaced members raise their voices.
"Exactly. So let's not try to pretend this was some noble endeavor. We aren't heroes. We're all here for ourselves, lookin for a fun ol' dust up. And that's fine! It's fun! But let's not pretend this was something it wasn't."
//Where was I...//
"So, about The SPACE PRINCESS..."
[[Opening your heart to forgiveness is hard...->Page015-a-4]]
[[Mistakes were made...->Page015-a-5]]
[[Well geez who wouldn't tap that..?->Page015-a-6]]''Opening your heart to forgiveness is hard...''
"Opening your heart to forgiveness is hard. It's the hardest thing you'll ever be asked to do. We've all been hurt. And we want justice! But it's just a cycle of violence. They hurt us, we hurt them. But we are BIGGER than that! WE will take the first step. We will do the hard part. Because nothing can change unless we try!"
"And this isn't something we do today. It's something we must do today, and every day. The cycle of violence must end! Our world could be paradise tomorrow, if we all forgave each other, and built our world with love in our hearts!"
"I have a dream, and it's one where all of us can come together to overcome any obstacle. Together, we can do anything! Including forgiving me for a tiny miscalculation but that's not important right now..."
//Where was I..?//
"So, the plan going forward..."
[[I, your flawless champion, will...->Page015-a-7]]
[[As a gesture of apology and goodwill...->Page015-a-8]]
[[Even though I don't HAVE TO...->Page015-a-9]]''Mistakes were made...''
"Mistakes were made. I'll be the f-... well let's say second to admit that. I had a plan, and it didn't exactly go as I was envisioning. And that's my fault."
"But, in a much more real sense, not believing in me is all of //your// faults. What's the point in electing me basically king of the friggin world if you're not going to trust me on the //hard decisions?//"
"I had a dream. A dream where I could solve a problem for once with lying instead of violence. Was that so wrong? I say, no, it wasn't. All of you were wrong. I hope you're proud of yourselves."
//Where was I..?//
"So, the plan going forward..."
[[I, your flawless champion, will...->Page015-a-7]]
[[As a gesture of apology and goodwill...->Page015-a-8]]
[[Even though I don't HAVE TO...->Page015-a-9]]
''Well geez who wouldn't tap that..?''
"Well geez, who wouldn't tap that? What was I //meant// to do? So, sorry, not sorry. Don't lose your head or anything. It's a damn dry desert out there, and she's a sweet sarsparilla. I saw some of the girls among you kinda do a double take. //Don't you dare deny that I friggin saw you, Samantha!//"
"So yeah, I was a bit weak, but it's not like anyone could blame me, am I right? And, really, I was trying to do everyone a favor! Yeah you heard me. We could have really spruced up the place, she and I! Aren't you tired of living in dirt and broken glass!? I am! But nooooo, you rubes had to go and get all mad at a little negotiation. This is why democracy was a bad idea! So, now that's behind us, and I forgive you."
"I had a dream. A dream many of you share! A dream where I could kick up my feet and have people worship the ground I walk on with a hot babe right beside me using a peasant as a footstool. And you ruined it. Almost - I'm working on fixing your mess."
//Where was I..?//
"So, the plan going forward..."
[[I, your flawless champion, will...->Page015-a-7]]
[[As a gesture of apology and goodwill...->Page015-a-8]]
[[Even though I don't HAVE TO...->Page015-a-9]]''I, your flawless champion, will...''
"I, your flawless champion, will personally stop the laser from destroying our world at the hands of our foes. Then, I shall broker a peace agreement with the SPACE PRINCESS. And finally, truly, we can open up a keg and forget this whole thing ever happened! Who's with me!?"
"Well, I for one feel like we've accomplished something great here today. I cannot //wait// to prove to you all how effective of a leader I can be. And how much better at drinking I am than all of you. I swear I can drink anyone under the table. Now if you'll all allow me a moment to finish off some things, you know, important leader stuff, I'll ah, get this all nipped in the bud!"
With that, you shake a few babies and kiss a few hands and in the confusion you get the hell out of there.
[[Run back up before they figure out you are a fraud.->Page012]]
(set: $rubesdone to true)''As a gesture of apology and goodwill...''
"As a gesture of apology and goodwill, I, your officially elected leader no takebacksies, will solve your problems for you. I'll turn of the space laser... //big pew pew//, for the slow types in the back. Make the space princess stop doin all the bads. And um. Yeah that's the big two. And then we'll show those jelly heads who can throw the //BIGGEST, BADEST, BOOZIEST KEGGER THE SOLAR SYSTEM HAS EVER SEEN!"
"Rest easy, temporarily peaceful country bumpkins, for your votes have gone to the one being on this world that can accomplish the impossible! Me! So, uh, yeah, just. Stick around. Down here. Out of the way. Generally in an, away from me direction until this all blows over."
With that, you shake a few babies and kiss a few hands and in the confusion you get the hell out of there.
[[Run back up before they figure out you are a fraud.->Page012]]
(set: $rubesdone to true)''Even though I don't HAVE TO...''
"Even though I don't HAVE TO, I will drag you uncultured rubes out of the dark ages, and fix this big steaming mess you heaped into my lap. Me and the princess, we've been having talks - they're perfect. Just perfect. We're so close, it's beautiful."
"We will turn off the space laser AAAANNNDD the Aliens will pay for it! yes, you heard me right. Not that we collect taxes around here or anything, but hey maybe that's a thing to consider for the future."
"But in the meantime, drinks are on me, so get the party started, because geez this is a lot of work I wasn't exactly planning on and I could really use a drink. So like, get started, we're pretty much there, and then when the party is good and hot, maybe some people have lost their tops, I'll come back with everyone and we CAN HAVE SOM FUN! AWW YEAH!!"
With that, you shake a few babies and kiss a few hands and in the confusion you get the hell out of there.
[[Run back up before they figure out you are a fraud.->Page012]]
(set: $rubesdone to true)
You step up to the terminal, and see a bunch of crazy blinking lights, glyphs in an alien language that look like english letters but slightly fancier, and everything else is all done up in a Teen Idol Glitz Glam theme.
You hold your chin in contemplation, and contemplate your next move when you become aware that Ami, Chika, Bitso, and Hammy have also found their way here.
(if: $chikaLove is true and $amiLove is false)["It's this one, doofus." Chika says, pointing to the GIANT RED BUTTON that says 'START'. Oy...](if: $chikaLove is false and $amiLove is true)["It's this one, sweetie." Ami says, pointing to the GIANT RED BUTTON that says 'START'. Oy...](if: $chikaLove is false and $amiLove is false)["IT IS THIS ONE. MORON." Bitso says, pointing to the GIANT RED BUTTON that says 'START'. Hey that's just plain mean...](if: $chikaLove is true and $amiLove is true)["It's this one, doofus." "It's this one, sweetie." Chika and Ami say, at the same time, pointing to the GIANT RED BUTTON that says 'START'. After, they both look at each other and give each other a challenging look. Oh yeah this is going to turn out just fine, you can tell.]
Quickly moving on, you almost press the button, before you stop yourself and smack your forehead.
"Oh man, I almost forgot! I wanted to, like, make a big production out of stopping this thing. I'm going to do this //awesome.//"
Ami tilts her head somewhat in confusion, while Chika and Bitso share an unreadable expression.
Backing up to almost the edge of the tower, you turn to the horrible contraction, and start running. "''MISSION..!''"
You take a flying leap, and extend out your hand to slam down the bid red stop button. "''ACCOMPLISHED!!!''"
Unfortunately in your haste and total lack of regard for the lives of your loved ones and everyone else for that matter, you actually hit the big red button that said ''MAXIMUM POWER OUTPUT'' instead. Nobody has noticed this yet, however.
The whole horrifying contraption undergoes a metamorphosis, transforming into a giant ray gun, and aiming into the heavens, while ominous organ music plays.
"Yeah, it does that every time. I never really thought about how it would kinda lose its gravitas when there wasn't a big battle going on in the background." Ami announced.
Diplomatically, Chika said, "It's very nice. It was very intimidating at the time."
"Oh that's very kind of you to say, thank you."
You think the conversation might have gone on, but then there was a tremendous ''PEW'' as it fired off into space, and about 8 seconds later, the giant space laser, half-finished in a lewd drawing of a pinup girl, started increasing in intensity. Soon, it was going from merely burning line into the mountain, to carving out deep troughs of rock.
"Uuuummmm is it supposed to do that when you turn it off?" Chika asks, with growing concern in her voice.
"No, not at all, it should have like almost instantly stopped!" Ami shouted, running to the console.
"WHAT DID YOU DO, LAMEBRAIN!?" Chika shouted, turning to you. The intensity of the laser was getting more and more powerful by the second. The noise was becoming almost unreal.
"I DON'T KNOW I JUST FOLLOWED THE INSTRUCTION ON THE THING."
Ami turned to everyone, and shouted in a deeply exasperated voice, "HE HIT THE MAX POWER BUTTON INSTEAD!!"
"WELL IN MY DEFENSE THEY PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BE RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER!" You shouted into the increasingly hot wind.
Chika ran to the console as well, "Can you turn it off!?"
"I'm trying, I'm trying! The console cracked hard when he smacked it with his dumb man hands!" Ami replied, typing away like a madwoman.
Chaos ensues.
People are running and shouting.
The wind is so hot and full of noise that you can't tell what is going on anymore.
But you are filled with determination. And really pissed off.
"I SAID..!" you shout, not to anyone, but the universe.
"MISSION" You begin to walk towards the console.
"GODDAMN" You raise your hand into the air, and feel the power of a thousand drunk angry grandpas enter your soul.
"''ACCOMPLISHED!!!''" You slam down your hand ontp the BIG RED STOP BUTTON and the console begins to shudder, and crumble. But just as it seems to almost entirely fall apart, a massive blast fires up from the ray gun looking satellite communication dish, and 8 seconds later, you see a mighty flash up in space. The laser falls absolutely silent.
Smirking in your very own special way that totally doesn't make you look like a gigantic asshole, you put on a pair of sunglasses, turn away, and begin to walk down to the stairs. You assume in seconds the satellite space laser will be a shooting star behind you as it falls into the atmosphere, but you didn't dare want to look back and check to ruin your moment.
And that's about when four people decked you in the back of the head and you fell unconcious.
[[Epilogue.->Page014]]This story was written by Aaron Arendt, also known as Hexatona, for his good friend Delsin, as a secret santa present in the winter of 2019. I had so much fun making it that I wanted to spruce it up a bit, add a few extra scenes, and put it on the site for all to share.
First I want to thank Delsin for being a great friend. They've done tons of cool stuff for me, and I was happy I finally had a chance to repay the favor. Next, I want to thank Kloe for letting me bounce a few ideas off her. And, I want to thank you, the reader. Without you, this effort is meaningless.
So if you were wondering, I added the scenes where:
1) You talk down the rabble from trying to lynch you.
2) A scene here you accidentally screw up the stopping of the laser with your theatrics, but you finally get your big moment.
3) This credits page
4) Title screen
and THIS FORESHADOWING POST CREDITS SCENE ''#OMG''
[[Post credits scene->PostCredits]]''Light Years Away, On A Distant Planet...''
In the smoky skies of the beautiful world, ''Deep Sea'', there floats an immense, billowy cloud. Atop the cloud, a massive palace sits.
Within it's halls, too massive for any normal being to feel at home there, an argument is underway.
"DADDY, WHY DIDN'T I GET AN ARMADA!?" a high pitched voice screeched. The sound of tables being overturned. Dishes crashing and being thrown. Curses too terrible to be written down.
You heard no reply.
"It's always //Ami this// and //Ami that//. You spoil her and you don't give me anything! Well, I'm not LEAVING until I get AN ARMADA TOO!" the high pitched voice screeched once more. Faraway rooms' windows rattled ominously on their hinges.
Once more you heard no reply.
"IT'S NOT FAIR!!! Hrrrrggghhh!" At this, an incredible amount of crashing and clattering ensured, as though something never meant to be toppled over was toppled over.
''ENOUGH''
A deep, booming voice blasted through the wide halls. Many silent moments passed.
''I will not give you an Armada, Kyoko. If you wish for an Armada of your own, take it from someone else.''
"Good! Fine! I'll track down Ami, and take hers! Is that a problem, //DAD?//"
''Not at all.''
A diminutive form stomped through the cavernous halls, laughing haughtily to herself.
To Be Continued In...
[[METAL MAX 2: SPACE HEIST->Page000]]