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This was my game description that got denied. Im new here to rpgmaker.net so im happy for any help =)

Arcanium is the name of an ancient race who lived thousands of years ago. They wielded unique
magical powers which they channeled into their weapons to bring justice upon everyone who threatened the
balance of life with injustice or corruptness. They were a race who saw themselves as guardians of Alyxia ,
any magic or power misabused for corrupt or power hungry purposes were taken care of to keep the balance
of peace.

Peace and harmony flowered through Alyxia creating such peace and balance that the other races saw
them as godly powerful beings.

But in the shadows of Arcaniums glory grew a dark and wicked force. The corrupt race called Yraqa grew
in numbers and was mysteriously powerful. They wielded such dark magic the world had ever seen.
And the Arcaniums for once had a real threat they werent sure how to deal with.
Many beleive the Yraqa's had found a dark and evil entity somewhere in Alyxia hungry to absorb the
power from the Arcaniums for himself and seize the world in his dark unholy image.

The war between them lasted for 100 years with the Arcaniums getting less and less in numbers. The dark unholy Yraqas
were winning and people of Alyxia began to lose hope , villages were burnt , monsters touched by the yraqa
ran rampant killing everything in their way. The Arcaniums at the end had only one person left. She was
carrying a baby. It is here our story begins.... The story of Arcanium.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
I don't think that description needs to be changed that much. Like, I dunno, something like...

The Arcaniums were an ancient race that has been around for thousands of years, wielding unique magical powers. They channeled their powers into their weapons to bring justice upon those who threaten the balance of life with injustice or corruptness. They were a race who saw themselves as guardians of Alyxia, and any magic or power misabused for corrupt, or power hungry purposes, were taken care of to keep the balance of peace.

Thus, an era of peace and harmony prospered throughout Alyxia. During this era, the Arcaniums were so effective at rooting out evil and corruption that the other races eventually saw the Arcaniums as gods. However, in the shadows of Arcanium's glory grew a dark, and wicked force. The corrupt race, called Yraqa, grew in numbers and were mysteriously powerful. They wielded such dark magic the world had ever seen.

The Arcaniums finally had a real threat on their hands. One they weren't sure how to deal with. Many believed the Yraqas had found a dark and evil entity somewhere in Alyxia, hungry to absorb the power from the Arcaniums for himself and seize the world in his dark unholy image.

The inevitable war between the Arcaniums and Yraqas lasted for 100 years, with the Arcaniums suffering heavy losses. Now, the Arcanium are all but dead. Save one, and she was with child. It is here our story begins.
Thank you Marrend :) that was a very good rewrite of my description. Thank you so much :D I will try to submit again with that version and add a little more about how the game is played.Im glad to be a part of the RPG Maker community :)

Cheers

The problem with that description is that you're not really telling us what the game is about. That's just the backstory. I don't really need to know the history of an ancient race. Just tell me who the protagonist is, what they need or want, what they must deal with in order to get it and what stands in their way.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
This might be a huge guess on my part, but the protagonist is the last Arcanium. She probably wants herself, and the baby, to live. She's faced with Yraqas looking to kill her.

Probably.
author=Marrend
This might be a huge guess on my part, but the protagonist is the last Arcanium. She probably wants herself, and the baby, to live. She's faced with Yraqas looking to kill her.

Probably.


Nice sarcasm there, but it doesn't have anything to do with my point. What I'm saying is that the game description doesn't need a long history lesson. In the current version, we get to the protagonist at the end of the last paragraph, and even that's just a vague-ish mention. I think that if you're trying to get the reader interested in your game, throwing out weird names and going on and on about the backstory isn't the way to go. I'm not trying to be mean, I merely propose that the synopsis should be kept simple and to the point. Tell us what happens in the game, not the backstory.
Some set up is okay (it beats a long ass introduction scene) but full backstory should be explained in game (not with a long ass introduction scene ;p ). When writing a description for an RPGs a big thing that people forget is that the focus of most games is on the characters. That's who the player will be in your game. It's who they will spend most of their time getting to know, so it's best to try to get them to want to play as those characters from the get go. Thus, a mystery built around the main character is usually best for pulling people in.

Again, some set-up is okay. You can give snippets which will draw people in a lot more than full explanations - leaving something to the imagination, leaving mysteries to pull them in.

So instead of giving the full history of the people why not just throw out a one-liner instead? Hell, quote the character explaining to another person even!
"They say they didn't die out completely - that one last Arcanium survived the destruction wrought by the Yraqa war. Of course, that's impossible. It was well over 100 years since the last of them were wiped from the face of the planet and any who did survive would be dead by now... except! The survivor? They say she was with child..."

Then something about the main character and their quest. Cover why, who, where, what and how. Who is the main character? What is their quest? Why are they questing? Where do they need to go/come from? How will they be able to complete their quest?

For (a not great (gimme a break, it's 4am >.<)) example:
Tom, only survivor of the White Isle tragedy, wakes on an alien shore, his memory of the last week forever etched into his memory. The loss of all he held dear has him thirsting for revenge, but is there more behind the seeming bandit attack that deprived him of his home? Will he be able to find out the truth behind the dark forces that conspire to destroy more than just one small isle? And how will one man be able to turn the tide against a darkness that no-one sees coming?

This gives you a mystery to solve. It gives you a character you can sympathise with, some knowledge of what to expect the game story to follow and yet, offer mysteries as to the who/why of the antagonist.
author=Marrend
Actually, AlexBrown, there's this game called Dungeon Keeper? Yeah, you play the role of an evil overload, you build dungeons (go fig), and there's intermittent heroes that come at you. In that sense, your idea isn't technically that different. Uncommon? Maybe.

*Edit: Sorry, but, your description is coming off to me as trying to convince me that what you're doing is different, and I know that it really isn't. It comes off as boasting (at worst) or just plain weird (at best).


Ah, shoot. Well I'll just keep this idea to myself, don't wanna step on toes.

Thanks man.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
author=AlexBrown
Ah, shoot. Well I'll just keep this idea to myself, don't wanna step on toes.

Thanks man.


Wha? That's not what I was trying to do at all. It wasn't the idea that was the problem, it was the presentation of it. Does that make any sense? I dunno.
Alex, I believe what Marrend was trying to tell you was that the way you worded your description made it sound like it was something that had never been done before, a completely unique experience, and that since there are games out there who have done said thing before your audience - who would probably have looked into the same kind of games and might have played others like it before - would have called you out for claiming such a thing.

It was to protect yourself from others coming down on you over it, not saying don't do it. Just rework the description a bit and leave out your thoughts on what the game is like - instead focus on the character or plot overview, (see my previous post for examples) and write from there.
So much good answers guys :) Thanks a lot for all the good input and giving me a better perspective on how to go on with this. =)
I will describe better and cut out some things to leave some mystery for the player.
As you said everything will be explained in the Game Intro which I just now completed :D

I dont know if this is the right place to ask in the forum. But any of you guys
know what code you need to put into the insert text to simulate actor 1's name ?
Im planning on making name generation for the player as well as choosing a character
look and gender :)
Anyways thx everyone for all your good input.
Im new here but I feel so well received :D

Im sure I will enjoy myself here in this awesome community ^^
Cheers ppl :)
(Next time ask in the Help forums or do a search - it's been answered a few times~. It's
\n[x] 
where x is the number of the character. If it's 0 it will use the name of the character at the head of the party. If you're using Ace, just hover over the word Text in the Message Event and it'll show a list of what you can use. Or check the help file.) ^.^
Thank you ^^ I will do that next time :)
Hello! How are you!!!!! I came here because I need some help with the description of my game, so I hope you can help me with this, thanks


History

" ... And then He walked to the edge of the abyss and with the desire to give end to his existence, He jumped into the dark"

While he was entering in a thick fog, Joseph recalled part of the story that his grandfather had told him when he was just a kid , for some strange reason, He recalled the fairytale, perhaps the mysterious letter that He received days after his grandfather's funeral made ​​him remember many things that he had forgotten with the passing of the years, and for a moment he thought that maybe He might find many of the answers he had sought for so long in the place where he grew up, The Black Rose Orphanage, located just outside of town and abandoned for years.

And just maybe there, Joseph will find the answers to his strange amnesia and the hidden meaning of the mysterious book that He had received along with the letter from his grandfather, a very old and dark fairytale called "The lonely Prince "


A Survivar Horror Fairytale

Characters

Joseph Walker: A 26 year old man tormented by visions and voices that whisper always the same words "Come back with us, Oh! lonely prince"

the fairy tale is divided into several chapters each of them with their characters and enemies, this fairytale will possess a dark and sinister atmosphere in conjunction with disturbing sounds and music to create an intense experience.
and of course a lot of deadly traps.

This story possess several features, some of which are:

"Escaping or Hiding"
Joseph can’t fight the enemy directly, so you must use the surrounding environment to escape or hide from your enemies, and when the time comes, You'll have to fight them in a specific place.

"Pursuit Mode" and "Physical Stamina Meter"
There are two types of enemies in this fairy tale, both of them will activate the "Pursuit Mode", a way to force you to get away from them or you will die if they catch you.
During this mode the " Physical Stamina Meter " should be your top priority, why?, Is simple, during the "Pursuit Mode", your endurance will decrease rapidly which will reduce the speed of Joseph and forced him to enter a recovery state and during this short period of time Joseph can’t move, so you'll become an easy target for your persecutors, so keep that in mind.

"Stalker Mode", "Predator Mode"
retaking the issue of enemies these have two modes, "Stalker Mode" and "Predator Mode", each of these has its own characteristics, in the "Stalker Mode" the enemy will follow you for a certain period of time, it is also much easier escape or hide from him, however, this doesn’t mean that the enemy can’t catch you, on the other hand, we have the "Predator mode" in this mode the enemy will follow you until he catches you, so hide from it will be useless, however, this mode applies only to enemies like "Boss", cataloging these enemies as the most difficult of the story.

"Mental Health Meter"
This fairytale possess a meter for the mental health of Joseph, who will be affected with every action you make during the course of the story, if this meter reaches zero, the outcome of the story will be fatal.
I bet you have heared thousands of times, stories about a noble, brave and gallant knights who accepted a quest in saving a land from various monsters. but have you ever heard what happens meanwhile the knight fights? Or before it became a knight. Well, i will tell you the story about a trader who sees your regular knight in a different perspektive. The game has some mild, innocently, dirty comments and mild vulguar language. I would recommend the game for older (15-16) gamers. This is my second attempt in making a rpgmaker game. Hope you´ll like it.

I thought it was pretty good. but nope.
@kidde13: There are a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes. Your most common errors are incorrect sentence structure and incorrect capitalization. You also have some minor spelling errors. I will post a revised version.

author=kidde13
I bet that you have heard the story more than a thousand times. A fable about a brave and gallant knight who accepted a quest to save the land from its various monsters. But... I doubt you have ever heard of what happens while the knight fights his battles? Let me tell you the story of a trader who sees your regular knight from a different perspective.

Caution: This game may contain low level offensive language. Recommended for gamers aged 15+. This is my second attempt at making an RPG Maker game. I hope you like it.

You need to expand it with notes about your gameplay, characters, setting, story, and other miscellanea before it becomes an actual game description.

~~~

@JkrloxtheReaper Here is a revised version of the description. In general, you use too many run-on sentences with poor structure that makes them lose their meaning. There is also a lot of improper capitalization ("He" is hardly capitalized unless at the beginning of a sentence or referring to a deity of some sort) and lack of formatting.

author=JkrloxTheReaper
History

"...and then he walked to the edge of the abyss, and with the desire to give end to his existence, jumped into the dark"

When he entered into the thick fog, Joseph recalled part of the story that his grandfather had told him when he was just a mere kid. It was a fairytale like no other. Perhaps the mysterious letter that he had received days after his grandfather's funeral had made ​​him remember many things that he had forgotten with the passing of the years. For a moment he thought that he might find many of the answers he had sought for so long. His thoughts turned to the place where he had grown up, the Black Rose Orphanage, located just outside of town and had been abandoned for years.

Maybe there, Joseph will find the secrets behind his strange amnesia, and the meaning of the mysterious book that he had received, along with the letter from his grandfather, a very old and dark fairytale called "The Lonely Prince".

A Survival Horror Fairytale

Characters

Joseph Walker: A 26-year-old man tormented by visions and voices, that whisper the same words always: "Come back with us, O! lonely prince..."

The fairy tale is divided into several chapters, each of them with their specific characters and enemies. This fairytale has a dark and sinister atmosphere in conjunction with disturbing sounds and music, in order to create the most intense experience possible... and, of course, a lot of deadly traps.

Features

"Escaping/Hiding"
Joseph can’t fight the enemy directly, so you must use the surrounding environment to escape or hide from your enemies, and when the time comes, you must fight them in a specific place.

"Pursuit Mode" and "Physical Stamina Meter"
There are two types of enemies in this fairy tale. Both of them will activate the "Pursuit Mode", a mode that forces you to escape from your enemy or they will catch and kill you.
During this mode the "Physical Stamina Meter" should be your top priority. During the "Pursuit Mode", your endurance will decrease rapidly, causing Joseph's speed to decline, and forcing him to enter into a recovery state. During this short period of time, Joseph can’t move, so you will become an easy target for your persecutors.

"Stalker Mode", "Predator Mode"
In "Stalker Mode", the enemy will follow you for a certain period of time. It is also much easier escape or hide from him, however, this doesn’t mean that the enemy can’t catch you. On the other hand, in "Predator mode", the enemy will follow you until he catches you, so hiding from it will be useless. However, this mode applies only to enemies like bosses, which categorizes these enemies as the most difficult of the story.

"Mental Health Meter"
The game's UI shows a meter for Joseph's mental health that will be affected with almost every action you make during the course of the story. If this meter reaches zero, you will die.
Hello ~

The game submission was denied again -
Could you read into it and explain what's wrong with it?

author=nebelsoft
A game project (1 of 2) for the indie game development contest

Genre: Mystery / Horror adventure


(Description)

After an apparent, elusively crash in the nearby forest, former phamacist Liam Kobayashi heads out to look for survivers - but what he finds, will alter his perception of reality. Only his decisions will show how this fateful event will turn out...


Warning: Might contain a "jumpscare" or two.
Features: a "poor ending", a "bad ending", a "good ending".


(Features & Credits)

All graphics / visual content is custom made (nebelstern@ok.de)

RPGmaker XP - Enterbrain
Story & Text - Ayumu LanGenhan
Character Illustrations -
Pixel Art / Sprites & Creature Battlers - Ayumu LanGenhan
Music - Yusaku  Kishigami (http://www.presence-of-music.com)
Sounds - RPGmaker XP / freesounds


And maybe while we're at it, the next one for a different game, too:

author=nebelsoft
Deja~Vu Chronicles

aka - an epic adventure in reverse

The end is just the beginning


Genre: RPG


(Description)

The four adventurous heroines Miruka, Hanako, Edelweiss and Aquamarin came a long way. They fought their way to lv 99 and finally stand before the world's worst nightmare, the "evil warlock", whos evil plans contain nothing but malice! But can they stop him? Can they stop the evil warlock from summoning the bringer of abocalypse, Pyramid Golem in time? And will their adventure really end with victory over him?
Or, will this be only the beginning of a whole different kind of adventure... a challange of courage and friendship through confusing timeleaps.

It's a short, classic adventure in fast forward ( or rather, "in rewind"? ) with a few comedic elements and a (hopefully) curious 'background' story.


(Features & Credits)

All graphics / visual content is custom made (nebelstern@ok.de)

RPGmaker XP - Enterbrain
Story & Text - Ayumu LanGenhan
Character Illustrations - Ninjinshiru
Pixel Art / Sprites & Creature Battlers - Ayumu LanGenhan
Music - Yusaku  Kishigami (http://www.presence-of-music.com)
Sounds - RPGmaker XP / freesounds

I am having a problem with my game being accepted. can any one help with my description.


"You play as Mario trying to get back princess who has been taken by browser. but witch one? You travel trough some weird lands which are tricky and skill challenging level.

worlds
1-1 - Pipe land
1-2 - Rising water level
1-3 - Spike Castle
2-1 - Desert Rush
2-2 - Under Ground Block Land
2-3 - Big Boo's Ghost House
3-1 - Controlled Flood Lands
3-2 - Big Block Lost Doors
3-3 - Donkey Kongs to Bowser
4-1 - Level Warp
4-2 - Super Metroid 1
4-3 - Super Metroid 2 Killer Brain
5-1 - Window Land 1
5-2 - Window Land 2
5-3 - Window Land Castle
6-1 - Underground Pipe Land
6-2 - Forest Ride
6-3 - Air Ship
7-1 - Sands of plants
7-2 - Ghost House of Puzzles
7-3 - Bowsers Elevator
8-1 - Cloud Hopper
8-2 - Bowsers Tanks
8-3 - Billy's Castle
9-1 - Star Castle
9-2 - Dark Hills
9-3 - SMB Level 8 Castle
9-4 - Ghost House Maze
9-5 - Air Ship and Tank Rage
9-6 - Castle of Platform
10-1 - Bowsers Tanks 2
10-2 - Air ship 2
10-3 - Boss Tower
10-4 - Air Ship 3
10-5 - Up and Down Ghost House
10-6 - Air Ship 4
10-7 - Air Ship 5
10-8 - Air Ship 6
10-9 - Bowsers Castle

This is a crazy hard mario game. There are 10 levels and each level has 3 stages. besides worlds 9 and 10.
you may think this is imposable but i insure you its beatable i have beaten it all. So it leaves you the challenge to get through it. its lots of fun and interesting triggers and scrips.

Enemies include Goombas, Koopa Troopas, Buzzy Beetles, Koopa Paratroopas, Bullet Bills, Hammer Bros., and jumping Cheep-Cheeps. All these enemies can be defeated when Mario jumps on them. Koopa Troopas and Buzzy Beetles cower in their shell when jumped on, which Mario can kick to defeat other enemies with. Koopa Paratroopas lose their wings and fall to the ground when Mario jumps on them. Other enemies include Piranha Plants, the Spiny-throwing Lakitus and the Hammer Bros., and Mario has to either shoot fireballs at them or just avoid them. There are a few levels which take place underwater. In the water, Mario can swim freely from the top to the bottom of the screen. The enemies in underwater levels are Bloopers and Cheep-Cheeps. Mario can only defeat these creatures by shooting them with fireballs.

Mario swimming in a water level.

If Small Mario takes a hit, falls down a pit, or if the Time Limit runs out, he loses a life, and restarts the level. The point where Mario continues depends on how far he ran through the level before getting defeated; either from the beginning, or at one of several invisible "checkpoints" throughout the level.

Mario can get special power-ups out of ? Blocks or, uncommonly, Brick Blocks. Most of the ? Blocks in which Mario can find these items are visible, but some are hidden and only become visible when Mario hits them from beneath. With the Super Mushroom, he turns into Super Mario. As Super Mario, he can survive the hit of an enemy one time, at the cost of turning back to Small Mario. He may also destroy empty Brick Blocks by jumping beneath them. Additionally, he can also get the Fire Flower. With the Fire Flower, Super Mario turns into Fire Mario, which allows him to shoot fireballs at enemies to defeat them from a distance. With the 1-Up Mushroom, he gains an additional life; he can also get an extra life if he collects a hundred coins. With the Starman, which can only be found in Brick Blocks, Mario turns invincible for a short amount of time, and can defeat enemies by simply touching them.

ps there is a level based on Microsoft see if you can get it?
This is made for the Skilled Mario players. "
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
The main problem with that description, insaneraving, is that you're not telling us about your Mario game, beyond the statement that it's built for more advanced/hardcore players. In that respect, your descriptions of the power-ups, how you can die, and what-not, are not necessary. Your intended audience would already know about them!

Saying that, I'm not sure how to help you.
Can anyone help me..?
I have literally no idea what's wrong.