LET'S WORK ON YOUR GAME DESCRIPTIONS!

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Welcome to Excilesa the kingdom that looks like a paradise on the outside but in reality has many problems of its own. The mercenary Zalithos is considered to be one of those problems after being sent on a mission ends up with him being imprisoned with a soldier who was part of the squad he was in. After escaping Zalithos now has to get away from Excilesa and figure out how to stop the kingdom from continuing its experiments. The world of Alis is vast and large explore it along with Zalithos who's never been off the Excilesa continent.

Any suggestions would be appreciated.
KiteAlaster, it's nice. But there are a few grammar mistakes:

Your sentences are long. Separate clauses with commas, or break them up into shorter sentences.

Here's an example of the long sentences I was talking about:
The mercenary Zalithos is considered to be one of those problems after being sent on a mission ends up with him being imprisoned with a soldier who was part of the squad he was in
(Also, this sentence sounds a bit awkward. Might have to rephrase it.)

Hope I helped!


Ps. I'm a bit reluctant to do a full proofreading, since it might be offending.
(At least it is to some...)
Naw I am not going to be offended. If I was going to be offended by someone helping me I wouldn't have even bothered putting it up here.
I'd suggest the same.

Also, break it up a little bit visual-wise as well. One wall of text is never a good thing.

"Welcome to Excilesa!
It may look like paradise, but .."

You mention the world being large, but it would be better to tell right away that you'll be traveling the whole vast world. Complete worlds are not necessarily standard.
Does it have any special features?

If you say so...

Well here's what I think is an improved version.
Welcome to Excilesa; A kingdom that is paradise on the outside, but in reality, is otherwise. Excilesa is a problematic kingdom, with the mercenary Zalithos being one of the reasons.

After being sent on a mission, he ends up being imprisoned with a soldier from his squad. Zalithos escapes, and now has to get away from Excilesa. He has to figure out how to stop the kingdom from continuing its experiments.

The world of Alis is vast. Explore it along with Zalithos, in the adventure of a lifetime.

Edit: As what Kylaila had said, you could add special features up in the game description as well. Maybe as a list below the summary.
I've done a list of what scripts I've used and giving credit and thanks to the makers of them. Below the description I didn't think I should have put that in here for help since it wasn't really part of the description. Also thanks for the help so far.
Also I greatly appreciate your help.
Hi this is my first game and My first time editing scripts, editing sprites, and editing graphics. So let me know if you run into any glitch's and also what you think so far. Please give me feedback its my belief that to make this as close to perfect as I can I will need good and bad critiques of what I have in this demo. I have done a lot of work so far. (remember I am diving in headfirst so this is taking me a little longer then normal.)


The Prophecy tells the story of a sage who is currently training a water ninja by the name of Nykeo. One day oni began to attack And it is up to Makoto and Nykeo to save the village. They must travel to the lair of Azul to confront him and save there homeland. But something more is going on will you be able to protect the ones you care about?



I have some editing already done so I will post those first here they are. :)


The Fire Sage



Nykeo





This is the water castle.






Screenshots





The battles
thanks to YF's battle engine script and side battle script







Rideable Horse
Took a lot of scrolling and looking through the scripts to figer out how to get this to work I submitted a tutorial but it is still pending :)








This is what i currently have done and i am actively working on this everyday i hope you enjoy it :)


I guess im worse at writing then i thought, please let me know what i should change? the blanks did and do have screen shots and such
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21806
@Makato12345678: My first response in reading that be to put the "This is my first game, and would really really appreciate feedback" part after the game-description. As an aside. Not up front.

Also, there is an "images" section on gamepages, so, I highly doubt they would need to go into the description. The other images you would have in there may be more appropriate for a media submission, possibly? Just a thought.

Anyway, what we have left is...

The Prophecy tells the story of a sage who is currently training a water ninja by the name of Nykeo. One day oni began to attack And it is up to Makoto and Nykeo to save the village. They must travel to the lair of Azul to confront him and save there homeland. But something more is going on will you be able to protect the ones you care about?


...that. If I'm reading this right, I believe you want to say something to the effect of...

Nykeo is a ninja-in-training under the tutelage of Makoto. When a nearby village becomes under attack by an oni, the task falls to them to save it. On their travels, they slowly learn that there is more to this than meets the eye.


...but, I'm clearly over-simplifying it. However, you mentioned that you're editing scripts. Do any of the scripts grant gameplay options? Something cool/interesting players can do? If so, mention that!
wow the way you wrote that out was good thank you for this example i will write it out like a story for the description and i also didn't know how to put the images in the image tab but i think i figured that one out to i am going to rework this as soon as i finish making the next my map thank you again Marrend :)



this is for the abyss game profile i was wondering how it got accepted but mine did not seeing as he has not even a paragraph the rues said it had to be 4-5 paragraphs with so many sentences dident it? not really complaining about it i was just wondering :)

Vetis has defeated the dark side cooperation, and is now sealed within the the abyss, he must complete for tests to be released...
(Note: This game is not long, it can be finished in 20m to 5m, technically its a mini-game)
The King of Egypt, known for being an ignorant man by his people, decides that Every sin is legal, as long as his family remains unharmed. His son, Radians, The first born Prince is the only one of the royal family that is against this Idea. But he is too young to change anything - and when he is finally old Enough to influence his folk it is already too late. The people, totally out of Control, decide then and there that the prince and the rest of his family have To die. And so, it happens. With no royalty left, the land soon begins to fall Into worse chaos then before. Death and decay are the result, death and decay That give birth to a creeping shadow of darkness that swallows every single Droplet of life.

But in the ruins of the fallen kingdom still lays a single child, born from one Of the mistresses of the king, protected by his mothers dead body. He is the Rightful king of Egypt, but the shadows left a deadly mark on him.
The King of Egypt, known for being an ignorant man by his people, decides that every sin is legal, while his family remains unharmed. His son, Radians, the first born Prince is the only one of the royal family that is against this Idea. But he is too young to change anything and when he is finally old enough to influence his folk it is already too late. The people, totally out of control, decide then and there that the prince and the rest of his family have to die. And so, it happens. With no royalty left, the land soon begins to fall into worse chaos then before. Death and decay are the result, death and decay that gives birth to a creeping shadow of darkness that swallows every single droplet of life. but in the ruins of the fallen kingdom still lays a single child, born from one mistress of the king, protected by his mothers dead body. He is the rightful king of Egypt, but the shadows left a deadly mark on him.
This is a historic game with no basic level system you level by stats
Front view battle system. war role playing game. and some religion.
Warning this is based on fact names have been changed to protect identity.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21806
Maybe something like...

The Pharaoh of Egypt couldn't care less of his nation, or his people. He only cared about his family, and would see that no harm would come to them. His son, Radians, may not agree with this manner of leadership, but, he is in no position to change anything. When the time came for Radians to become Pharaoh, it was too late. The damage has already been done. The nation was already in chaotic uprising, and they certainly did not spare the royal family.

With no solid leadership, Egypt devolved more and more into chaos and decay. Ironically, it is within the ruins of a fallen city that a child of one of the first Pharoah's mistresses is born. The birthright of being the next Pharaoh may be his to claim, but, the events of the revolt gives him pause.


...but I could be taking more than a few liberties here. Anyway, I get that this is supposed to be based on an actual historical accounting. What I don't get is why you're changing the names "to protect identity"? We're presumably talking about events that happened in BC times, so, it's pretty head-scratching to me.
Second attempt here that I beg for help...

My submission was denied so I'm here to ask some advices...

That is the description denied:
------------------------------

Darkness Ascension is an Action RPG created for Rpgmaker Vx Ace. The game was done in just 22 days to participate in the Indie Game Contest 2014. You play with Halbert Halfgrand, that is trying to free himself of a deep unknown dungeon. The game is an Action Rpg.

The gameplay consist of an action battle with RPG elements.


Story of Darkness Ascension

Halbert Halfgrand was the heir of a legendary dynasty, descendant of the founders of the kingdom of Taldorn in the island of Hossus.
When reached sufficient age, he decided to be a priest, not giving heed to his father and disowns the post that is his by inheritance, the title of Taldorn lord protector.

He studied hard in another region, Highrock, more precisely in the temples of Callen and Wasgramor. Started to become obsessed with the god of Darkness and outraged by the existence of his servants, who acquired minor powers in exchange for their souls and learn to use tricks that the gods prohibit to mortals.

Halbert took the decision to join the knights and priests began their training. For years he trained to kill mages, to capture them and kill them, their training was cruel but he achieved his ultimate goal: become a killing machine, full of tricks and ruses to defeat opponents that would be almost equal to the gods.

For years he worked for the Templar Knights and their order of witch hunters. Hunting and torturing a lot of suspects of devotion to the dark arts, and his life was devoted to the church until he received a letter, his father was dying.
Halbert asked permission to leave his temple and departed on a long journey to Taldorn. Upon arriving in the capital, was approached by soldiers of his father that gave him a order of prision. Halbert did not accept it, and then fought bravely for his life, until he was wounded and be unconscious by a knight's attack.

Halbert woke up and open his eyes seeing just darkness. They left food and water every day but never gave him a word. He was just about to go crazy, but his obsession for revenge not left him to perish, began to train his body waiting for opportunity, and to be as healthy as possible when he find the opportunity to escape.

After a long time being locked up in that dungeon, Halbert sees a man in a hood and hear words of hope. But Halbert have experience of years analyzing lies in the eyes of his victims, and the guy did not seem sincere, something was wrong at that visit.

The man approached with drawn sword, Halbert pretended not to notice until he arrived at a proper distance, Halbert broke his arm and killed him breaking his neck, grabbed his clothes and then thought that it was the time that he waited so long throughout their time in captivity. And then the game begins.

(Sorry for the english and if you encounter some grammar errors, please send me the corrections to do...The English is not my first language.)
Hi English is my first language however I am not the best speller
so far I think your story looks good but I am just a new member
you should use spellcheck.com like I do it is for spelling and
Grammar but I guess the people that made the spellcheck program are
not from the u s a ether not sure I guess they cant spell ether only
Prfict people spell good on this website. you can say the D
word after that.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21806
First off, it should probably be, "You play as Halbert Halfgrand, who is trying to escape from a deep, unknown dungeon." Second, you really don't need to tell us three times that this is an Action RPG. The first time should suffice.

Anyway, that's quite a story-dump you've got going. This is my humble suggestion:

Halbert Halfgrand was the heir to a legendary dynasty. Wanting to be a priest, he abandoned his noble birth, his inheritance, and was disowned in the process by his angry father. However, he found a renewed purpose in the abbey. In his studies, he learned of a being that proclaimed itself the God of Darkness. He started to obsess over it, and took it upon himself to feel the beast, and it's servants.

He soon became one of the Knights Templar, a Sword of God that punishes the wicked. He served under their banner for years, hunting down witches and torturing those even vaguely suspected of using the dark arts. Then, he received a missive that his father had passed away.

He took a leave of absence to visit him, but soon found that the guards were to to imprison him on sight. While he may have denied himself his family's legacy, and was disowned, he was furious. He fought hard, but was ultimately defeated.

After several days in prison, he was visited by a hooded man that spoke words of hope. The dagger was concealed, but, Halbert overcame his opponent. The time had come to escape.
The King of Egypt, known for being an ignorant man by his people, decides that every sin is legal, while his family remains unharmed. His son,Adams, the first born Prince is the only one of the royal family that is against this Idea. But he is too young to change anything and when he is finally old enough to influence his folk it is already too late. The people, totally out of control, decide that the prince and the rest of his family have to die. And so, it happens. With no royalty left, the land soon begins to fall into worse chaos then before. Death and decay are the result, death and decay that gives birth to a creeping shadow of darkness that swallows every single droplet of life. but in the ruins of the fallen kingdom still lays a single child, born from one mistress of the king, protected by his mothers dead body. He is the rightful king of Egypt, but the shadows left a deadly mark on him.
This is a historic game with no basic level system you level by stats
Front view battle system. war role playing game. and some religion.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21806
Maybe it's just me redwall, but, that story isn't all that much different than what you had before. So, uh, I guess my suggestion from before still stands?

Am I the only one around to even make suggestions?
The Pharaoh of Egypt couldn't care less of his nation, or his people. He only cared about his family, and would see that no harm would come to them. His son, Radians, may not agree with this manner of leadership, but, he is in no position to change anything. When the time came for Radians to become Pharaoh, it was too late. The damage has already been done. The nation was already in chaotic uprising, and they certainly did not spare the royal family.

With no solid leadership, Egypt devolved more and more into chaos and decay. Ironically, it is within the ruins of a fallen city that a child of one of the first Pharaoh's mistresses is born. The birthright of being the next Pharaoh may be his to claim, but, the events of the revolt gives him pause.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21806
Are you still being denied based on the description, redwall? Hrm. Let me think a bit.

I seem to recall you mentioning that stats did not increase on level-up. Which is fine. I can think of a few games that do this. If there's a gameplay mechanic that involves them going up, that might be something to mention in a separate section of the description. Outside of that, I fear I have little else to recommend for you.
Ultimate decision is a classic RPG game. Usually, when we play RPG game, in the middle of playing, we may be faced with a lot of choice. For example, when we talking with a villager, sometimes there are villager that give us 2 or more choices to answer. Sometimes it can be important, but most of it is just useless choice that didn't affect anything in the game

But this game, Ultimate Decision, is a game that focus strongly in the storyline. Every choice that you choose when talking with NPC in this game will affect the story, even the unimportant one. So, for every people that will play this game, undoubtedly they will have different experience because this game has so much possibilities. There are 3 endings that u could see when finish this game, and which ending you will get, is decided since the first choice you made in this game. To play this game, you don't need to be perfectionist, just choose the choice that you like most and your future will be decided

Features:
- Has a deep and twisted story
- There are 3 possible endings you could get, but one of it is hard to get
- You can choose between become Good or Bad person
- ATB Battle Engine
- Random Encounter
- Job System (Class)
- 50+ Quests which each of them has its own uniqueness
- New Game ++ (with additional quest and secret)
- Tournament and Battle Arena (feature that always make RPG game exciting)
and etc.....



All, please help me, my game is denied because of my description. i don't know which part of my description that need to be changed. Please give me some input. i'll really appreciate it.
by the way, actually, my first language is not english.
thanks before