LET'S WORK ON YOUR GAME DESCRIPTIONS!

Posts

@MrDetective

Native English speakers don't generally say "which way something is at". Usually they say "which direction is it in". And you come off as a bit of an airhead with too many ellipses. I'd probably cut it down to just one at the end of the interjection so it sounds more like thought and less like bumbling.

Maybe:

"Hm, let's see... Which direction is the school in?"


Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
If it were me, I'd go with:
"Hrm. Let's see. Which direction is the school in?"

But, like I said, that's just me.
edchuy
You the practice of self-promotion
1624
author=Gourd_Clae
Yeah, that looks nice. It's got a few issues though. Like, the "is" after "issues" in the note would be an "are" I would think. And I'm fairly certain that you don't put a comma before the "and" at the end of a list. I'm not sure if you need the commas when you put the list in a bullet form, though it does look better like that and I don't believe it matters either way.


Thanks, I definitely (mea culpa!) missed that "are" after issues and the "and" and comma at the end of a list is also wrong as well. I'm glad that you took the time to read it and point those things out (I'll fix them in my post!).

author=Mr_Detective
Hey, Kentona? We need a love button for this guy, too. :D

author=Me
Hm... Let's see... Which way is the
school located at?


I am thinking about changing this to: "Hm, let's see... Which way is the school located at?" :D


Mr D. You're welcome! I'm glad to help.

Regarding the latest request consider either "Hmm, let's see ... Which is the way to the school?" or "Hmm, let's see ... Where is the (road/path) leading to the school located at?" depending on what you want to ask.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
Alternatively, how about:
"Hrm. Let's see. How do I get to the school from here?"
i just want to say sorry to everyone for haveing a bad story
and thank you all for helping me with my story.
i do not know why no one understands it.
the story is just about Invaders attacking your
homeland of lake wood town and you the player Gen
joins the military to stop thime that was all i was trying to say
now do you get it.
LockeZ
I'd really like to get rid of LockeZ. His play style is way too unpredictable. He's always like this too. If he ran a country, he'd just kill and imprison people at random until crime stopped.
5958
OK, well first of all, stop hitting enter at random places that aren't the ends of paragraphs.

Then stop capitalizing letters of random words in the middles of sentences.

Then stop adding random periods in the middles of sentences.

Then come up with a new description, because even if that weren't the worst formatting I've ever seen written anywhere about anything in my entire life, it would still be really boring and tell me nothing useful about the game.
author=redwall10
The year is now 1605 and war has returned.
To lake wood led by a dark knight named Graze
and the white knights.They are looking for gems stones. and gold
To take back home to there land.of red fang however
They also came to remove people with the shining
Eyes. of hope you start off with a young man named Gen
That lives with his mom. and is called into war to
Save his land.you meet up with your old friend named
Bite. that is a high rank Soldier.working for the lake wood
Military. she comes to save you wean your town was being attacked.
The year is 1605, and war has broken out in Lake Wood. Graze, and his White Knights are searching for the gem stones to take back to their homeland of Red Fang.
..As for the other stuff, it was too, idk, uninteresting. Plus, I really just couldn't decipher it all too well, lol :x
Alright, like lockeZ said, you use periods very...liberally. Only use them at the end of the sentence, not the middle. Don't indent (hit enter bar) at random places either. Put more exciting adjectives and verbs in there, it's pretty bland. Also, you word choice is pretty off. At some points I'm not quite sure what you're saying like:
Are we starting as Gen with Shining Eyes, or are the presumably evil knights using the eyes to remove people. OR are they simply removing people who happen to have shining eyes? See, it's fairly unclear, but correct use of periods can fix that.
edchuy
You the practice of self-promotion
1624
I agree with what has been suggested so far regarding the use of periods, capitalization of proper names and clarity of writing.

Another thing I feel you could change, redwall10, is to avoid using the word you in the game description. As an example of this: "You start off with ..." could be rewritten as "The games starts with ...".

Also, be careful with spelling ("wean" in the last line should have been "when") and vocabulary ("gemstones"). Perhaps you need to work on and post a new description and we'll help you from there.
LockeZ
I'd really like to get rid of LockeZ. His play style is way too unpredictable. He's always like this too. If he ran a country, he'd just kill and imprison people at random until crime stopped.
5958
Talking about the gameplay at some point seems pretty obvious too since this is, um, a video game.
The year is 1605, and war has returned to Lake Wood. The Black Knights of Dark Crest, headed by the mage Graze, came to pillage the area of it's resources and to further their own political cause. However, there was another, more secret, purpose to their invasion...

It was a day like any other for Gen. He was chopping wood with his mother, the the Black Knights invaded his home town. He saw his hometown pillaged and burned before his eyes. Vowing vengeance, he joins the military with the help of a high-ranking friend.
author=redwall10
The year is now 1605 on earth and war has
Returned to the town called lake wood. after
The battle with Zion and his master the rock king
some years ago. now a new dark force has come
to the land known as the dark crest. and they also
want to take gold and items from your land. led by
a man named Graze. now it is up to a young man
Named Gen that is called into war to save his land.
Meeting up with his old friend Bite that is a high rank
Soldier working for the lake wood Military. now you must fight
to save your people from the slave mines of the world and
stop the dark crest
The hell? You just posted the exact same thing as last time..and by that I mean the "exact" same thing. Way to completely ignore everyone. :x
edchuy
You the practice of self-promotion
1624
author=Sana
The hell? You just posted the exact same thing as last time..and by that I mean the "exact" same thing. Way to completely ignore everyone. :x


The only thing I see that was taken into account regarding our recommendations was the first sentence, which Sana suggested and you tweaked a bit. Otherwise, WTF!!!

The first thing you need to do is remove the periods where they donĀ“t belong (in some cases, you need to replace them with commas instead, ever heard of them?). How come you couldn't even end your description with a period. Now, that's mind boggling! Also, remember to capitalize proper names. Until you don't even try these 3 things I'm suggesting, don't even bother ...
what? is a paragraphs becuse i am not a writer.
i just do this for fun. and can someone write me
a good war/soldier story thanks
edchuy
You the practice of self-promotion
1624
author=redwall10
what? is a paragraphs becuse i am not a writer.
i just do this for fun. and can someone write me
a good war/soldier story thanks


You having fun is OK. Not many people are writers (myself included) here either. Wouldn't you want your game description to be as good as it could be? Yes, having to work on it is probably not fun at all. Asking somebody else to write a story for you seems the easy way out .... Are you sure you want to make a game based on somebody else's idea? Also, what will happen when have to write the narrative and dialogue for the game? Think about it ...
Better, I guess. I'm just going to use what I have to make a longer, more coherent description so that we can help other people. If I mess up a detail, you can just edit it to suit your story. Oh, and write something about the gameplay, sir.

"The year is 1605 and war has returned to Lake Wood by evil mage Graze and the Black Knights. They have come to take control of the land and pillage the area of all its valuable treasure and further their homeland of Dark Crest. But, that is not where their sinful acts end. They search for the four heroes, their eight eyes gleaming with light power. Their dark influence seeping into even a very small town in the countryside. Gen had always worked hard, that fateful day he was getting help from his mother. The two of them were chopping wood when the Black Knights ravaged Gen's home town. The town in ruins, and Gen's peaceful life uprooted, he despised them. He wanted revenge and the military helped him get it. Drafted in the military, and with the help of his high-ranking friend, Gen fights back against the evil black army."
edchuy
You the practice of self-promotion
1624
First of all nobody said not to use periods at all (at least you didn't forget the one at the end of the paragraph), but use them where appropriate.

Even though you didn't quite do what is asked you to do, here is my attempt at trying at fixing what you wrote, although I can only help make it written better, not more interesting (that's up to you!):

The year is now 1605 and war has returned to Lake Wood. A dark mage named
Graze and the black knights have come to take over your land, and, plunder golden items and loot back to their homeland of Dark Crest. They are also looking for the four heroes with the shining eyes of light power.

The game starts off with a man named Gen doing some woodworking with his mom, when their town comes under attack by the black knights. You have been called into War to save your land with help from your friend, a high rank soldier of the Lake Wood military.
"The year is 1605 and war has returned to Lake Wood by a evil mage name Graze and the Black Knights. They have come to take control of the land and pillage the area of all its valuable treasure and farther their homeland of Dark Crest. But, that is not where their sinful acts end. They search for the four heroes, their eight eyes gleaming with light power. Their dark influence seeping into even a very small town in the countryside. Gen had always worked hard, that fateful day he was getting help from his mother. The two of them were chopping wood when the Black Knights ravished Gen's home town. The town in ruins, and Gen's peaceful life uprooted, he despised them. He wanted revenge and the military helped him get it. Drafted in the military, and with the help of his high-ranking friend, Gen fights back against the evil black army."
it is a basic battle system with a fishing game.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
Hrm. Perhaps...

The year is 1605, and war has returned to Lake Wood. The Black Knights of Dark Crest, headed by the mage Graze, came to pillage the area of it's resources and to further their own political cause. However, there was another, more secret, purpose to their invasion...

It was a day like any other for Gen. He was chopping wood with his mother, the the Black Knights invaded his home town. He saw his hometown pillaged and burned before his eyes. Vowing vengeance, he joins the military with the help of a high-ranking friend.

I sense I went overboard with this.