LET'S WORK ON YOUR GAME DESCRIPTIONS!

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Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
author=RPGHorrorGirl
Yeah, it's exactly what it's supposed to be! :)
Thanks a lot. So I have one question, too...Can I copy what you just wrote, post it in the game description and..try it again? To see if it's going to be denied again? Can I?

Yeah, I'm totally cool with that! It might even make me smile.

*Edited to include the post I was responding to because PAGE BREAK.
Marrend, Thank you, so much again! I love you, man, love ya <3 Thanks!
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
Celebrate after the gamepage becomes available!
It doesn't matter. The only thing that matters right now is that you helped me. It doesn't matter if the game is accepted - if it's not - I'm coming here again! :D
My game is Dragon Reign, and I am having trouble figuring out exactly what was wrong with the spelling, grammar, and punctuation. I would appreciate it id someone could help me out a bit.
Post the description you have on the page here and people will help out.
Okay sorry about that here it is. My page is for the Release something event so I need help before, Friday the 13th if possible.

Story:
Three years ago Princess Crystal was in an Airship accident. She was rescued by Fade who is a Spirit Dragon. What she doesn’t know is her father King Clovis, got a spell that erased Fade from her, and her brother Kyrin’s memories, once he found he was Prince Fade of the Dragon Kingdom, because most humans especially King Clovis hate dragons. What no one knows is that King Clovis was cursed with eternal youth, and eternal life by the Dark Dragon Ava.

Since then King Clovis has hated all dragons. If he catches any dragons with in his city Arkdale. He captures them, and torchers them, then eventually kills them. The dragons hate him because of this, and want to get rid of him. The only problem is he is immortal.

It is said that the Dark Dragon Ava, lives in a foul looking castle called the castle of Rubius. This castle is dark, and gloomy. It mimics other environments with magic. It mimics forests, mountains, caves, and so on. Many people have tried to see if they could conquer this foul place. However they all failed. The castle is said to have thirteen floors, but no one, not even a dragon has made it passed the ninth floor.


Main Characters:


Crystal Avin
Gender: Female
Age: 21
Class: Swordswoman
Bio: Crystal is the daughter of King Clovis. She is rather nice, but sometimes she is too nice. She started to practice with a sword in hope to protect her kingdom when she becomes queen. Three years ago she was saved by a Spirit Dragon named Fade when the Airship she was on went down. What she doesn’t know is that Fade is a childhood friend that her father erased from her, and older brother’s memories with a spell when he found out that Fade was Prince of the Dragon Kingdom, because he hates dragons. She hopes to one day find the dragon who saved her life. She also does missions for the Hope Guild with her brother.
Personality:
Kind
Tough
Hopeful

Kyrin Avin
Age: 28
Gender: Male
Class: Healer
Bio: Kyrin is Crystal’s older brother. He decided to learn healing magic so that he could heal his friends, and family when he becomes king. He takes his sister out to the Royal Garden every weekend. Kyrin is often doing missions for the Hope Guild with his sister.
Personality:
Kind
Strong
Over Protective of his sister

Fade Merric
Age: 21
Class: Knight
Gender: Male
Bio: Fade is the childhood friend of Crystal, and Kyrin who their father made forget with a spell. He hates King Clovis, and will not set foot near Arkdale anymore. However three years ago when the Airship Crystal was on went down he happened to be in the area, and saved her. However he quickly left before anyone could find out his identity. He hopes to be with Crystal, and Kyrin again, and plans to go back to Arkdale once King Clovis passes.
Personality:
Brave
Kind
Overprotective of loved ones


Ayron Merric
Age: 18
Gender: Male
Class: Mage
Bio: Ayron is Fade’s younger brother. However unlike his brother he’s not quite as brave, and tries to run off screaming every time he sees a spider, or any type of bug, even if it’s not a monster. He also loses his temper very easily, and cusses out whoever made him lose his temper, even if the person is a woman. Most people other than his brother, and his friends keep their distance from him because of this.
Personality:

Energetic
Hot Headed
Is afraid of spiders, and bugs.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
@Rose_Guardian: For now, I'm going to focus on the story portion, if that's okay.

First off, it's "airship", though, that's a bit of nit-picking. I think the point about Fade's memories being erased could be worded a bit better. Also, I get the odd impression that you don't necessarily want players to know who was responsible for the memory-wipe at this juncture. So, I would suggest putting it like...

She soon learns that Fade's memories of being a prince of the Dragon Kingdom, and those of her brother, Kyrin, have been erased.

...that. With the second paragraph, I'm kinda thinking it should be...

Since then, King Clovis has hated all dragons. If he catches any dragon with in the city of Arkdale, they are captured, tortured, and eventually killed.

...this, but that's just me. Again, I have the impression that telling players that the king is immortal, and why, isn't something you want to tell them up front. Maybe in a cut-scene in the game where he talks about the Dark Dragon, Ava? I am digressing a bit.

Though, now that I'm mentioning Ava, the third paragraph is going to come out of nowhere with these suggests. Though, there is a strong suggestion that Rubius is the dungeon that players will crawl in the context of the game, there's no apparent reason for players to go there. Unless, of course, players do know about the relationship between King Clovis and Ava, and/or is responsible for Fade's memory-wipe? At which point, I guess players would climb the tower to either topple the tyrant, or in an attempt to reclaim Fade's memories. Players might know one, but not the other. I dunno. Maybe I'm just making weird connections in my head.
Thank you Merrend. This is helpful, and I should mention the reason players may have to enter the castle so you're right about that. However how can I mention the castle without it seeming random?
EDIT:
So far I came up with this for the story description:

Story:
Three years ago Princess Crystal was in a airship accident. She was rescued by Fade who is a Spirit Dragon. She soon learns that Fade's memories of being a prince of the Dragon Kingdom, and those of her brother, Kyrin, have been erased. Her father did this because he hates dragons. What no one knows why he hates dragons so much. If he catches any dragon with in the city of Arkdale, they are captured, tortured, and eventually killed. The dragons hate him because of this, and want to get rid of him.

It is said that there is a dragon named Ava who lives in a foul looking castle called the Castle of Rubius. This castle is dark, and gloomy. It mimics other environments with magic. It mimics forests, mountains, caves, and so on. Many people have tried to see if they could conquer this foul place. However they all failed. The castle is said to have thirteen floors, but no one, not even a dragon has made it passed the ninth floor. Crystal, and Ayron later find out that she has their erased memories. When they both learn this they choose to enter the castle, and reclaim their memories.


Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
author=Rose_Guardian
However how can I mention the castle without it seeming random?

Hrm. Maybe...

With her father persecuting dragons, and Fade's memories gone, Crystal was uncertain of what to do. Then, she heard rumors of a castle, thirteen floors high. At the top floor is said to house a dragon of immense power. Perhaps this dragon could provide Crystal with some kind of answer? The going won't be easy, though. Even the most powerful warriors are supposed to climb only as far as the ninth floor, and the rumors about the benevolence of the dragon at the top were inconsistent at best! However, it is her best hope.

...that?
That's perfect. Thank you.

EDIT:
If it still doesn't get approved. I'll ask for more help, but hopefully this time it will get approved, and thank you again.
This is the year 2030 in a place called Giza Town.You're name is Seth's
and you are a young man working in a small night club with your sister Taine.
while working you come across a unknown man. he says he is working on
other night club and he needs your help working on it. the club is called x law
After you turn down his offer he shoots you're boss and takes him always.
and robs the club of its money. now you must go and save your boss and stop X law.and get back the money you lost. New battle system new powers new story
This is the out cast rebellion.

CashmereCat
Self-proclaimed Puzzle Snob
11505
The year is 2030, and the place is Giza Town. You are Seth, a young man working in a small night club with your sister, Taine. Whilst working, an unknown man enters the club. He says he is working on starting up another night club, and he needs your help. The club is tentatively called "X-Law". After turning down his offer, he shoots your boss in the leg, drags him away, and robs the club of all its funds.

You only have one option. Save the boss. Stop X-Law. Get back the money you lost.

New battle system. New powers. New story.

This is... The Outcast Rebellion.

I assumed here that "The Outcast Rebellion" is the name of your game. If it's not, you should just say "this is an outcast's rebellion".

By the way, if it's only one outcast, you should call it The Outcast's Rebellion, although personally I'd prefer Outcast's Rebellion. It has more "zing" to it. But if you're talking about a group of outcasts, I guess The Outcast Rebellion would make sense there, except I'd change it to The Outcasts' Rebellion instead, to indicate that the rebellion belongs to the group of outcasts.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
I'd go more with...

Seth is a young man working in a small night club with his sister, Taine. While working, a man comes in, saying that he works for another night club, tentatively named "X-Law", and needs Seth's help. Seth doesn't make too much of the guy, or his pitch, and rejects the offer.

The next day at work, Seth finds that his employer has been shoot in the leg, and that the place has been robbed. His employer describes the person who shot him, and Seth starts to make connections. It was the guy that offer him that job the other day! With vengeance in mind, Seth chooses to go after the shooter, and X-Law.


...but that's just me. Though, if Taine is more involved in this story, such as going with Seth in regards to X-Law, you can probably mention that in the last sentence.
Also, shot, not shoot in the leg. ;p
How can i fix this description, please help me:
Game summary:
A young girl wake up in a strange room.Loosing her memory, She wonder if this place is real or is it just a work of her imagination.But at any cost she must get out of this place before she got. Upon discovering the way out, she will discover the truth about herself and recover her memory.

Game's duration: 30 - 45 minutes

This game was made base on the pokemon essentials' graphics

*developer's note: This is my first RPG maker XP horror game, it is still buggy and the puzzle is still immature, But i hope this could bring a horrific experience to some people. Moreover, I'm not a native speaker so my grammar is still not completed yet.
CashmereCat
Self-proclaimed Puzzle Snob
11505
A young girl wakes up in a strange room. Having lost her memory, she wonders if the place that she is in is real, or just a work of her imagination. She must get out of the place she is in at any cost, before something bad happens. Upon discovering the way out, she will discover the truth about herself, and recover her memory.

Duration: ~30-45mins

This game was made using graphics from the Pokemon Essentials graphics pack.

Developer's Note: This is my first RPG Maker XP horror game. It may contain bugs. Still, I hope this can bring a horrific experience to some people. Moreover, I am not a native speaker so my grammar is not perfect.

Enjoy.




Also I'm pretty sure you spoiled the ending in the first paragraph. That she gets out and all. I wouldn't include that part.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
I sorta agree with Cash, and would suggest "While attempting to discover the way out..." instead of "Upon discovering the way out..."

Also, if I may be so bold, the description sounds really generic to me. There's no "pull" there. I'm aware that horror games tend to be gameplay-light, and there may be some interesting story behind the self-discovery and/or memory recall events. I suppose how the description would be written would depend on what you want the game's focus to be: on the horror elements or the story elements.
So... I didn't make it, but I'm not giving up which is why I'm here. I need help with my description. It needs a little work. Thank you in advance.

======

For as long as the students of the high schools of Yomaihama remembers. Martial art rivalry fighting has been going on between all schools. More noticeable are the five schools that are closest to each other: Jukodo of the Brown, Hujino of the Green, Pirusuna of the Purple, Gekjou of the Gray, and Ushiyuga of the Blue. A secret conflict between these schools has been going on each school year for control of the schools' turfs.

Hujino, this once proud school housed the strongest martial arts club, lead by their 2nd-year captain, Ryota, who is known for his strength and undefeated streak among the other rival schools, lead the school to many victories. Sadly to the students of Hujino, Ryona passed away due to sickness before the end of his second school year. When word of his passing and the original club members left surfaced. The other rival schools began taking over the Hujino's turfs and claiming it as theirs, easily defeating Hujino for the school year.

With a new school year for Hujino, 1st-year-student, Hitomi Koizuki, a new face to public schools, is a young carefree girl with uncommon and unique martial art skills. This quickly caught the eyes of the new martial arts club's captain, Atsuko Tsukino, who vowed to restore the club back to it's former glory by recruiting new members.

With the other four schools beginning their assault on each other, and knowing the assault would cause chaos among the students of Hujino soon, the new, but small martial arts club set out to find new and old members, while protecting their school's turfs.

Plan features:

Relationship Events - Become closer friends with your team and other people to unlock skills for them and for yourself. You may even find a special someone.

Social Status - Doing some downtime, why not visit a cafe, maybe work there for a little cash. People may find you charming or smarter. Social stats can be use to unlock new options for people who are looking for more charming or brave students.

7 Days Week System - Some shops or events only happens on Mondays, some on Tuesday, and so on. Explore areas on certain days and see what you find.

Mission Time! - Certain events happens on your adventure. Do these mission events to gain rewards or to advance the plot.

School Fame - Hujino not known to help people until now. Get the school more known and maybe more events or stuff for the school will be unlocked.

Mini-Games - Still planning.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
One of the first things I'm reading is an incomplete sentence. I get the impression that that sentence that immediately follows continues the thought. Which might look something more like...

For as long as the students of Yomaihama High remember, there has been a rivalry of between various martial arts groups.


...that. Then, I would probably suggest the rest of that paragraph to look more like...

The factions are split between those calling themselves Jukodo of the Brown, Hujino of the Green, Pirusuna of the Purple, Gekjou of the Gray, and Ushiyuga of the Blue, each one vying over control of Yomaihama High.


The second paragraph seems a bit awkward. I think it should be more like...

Hujino of the Green was lead by Ryota, a second-year student who was virtually undefeated. With his untimely passing away due to illness, the morale of Hujino plummeted, and lost much of their hold.


Now that I think of it, the thrid paragraph could probably be combined with the second, actually. So, maybe more like...

Hujino of the Green was lead by Ryota, a second-year student who was virtually undefeated. With his untimely passing away due to illness, the morale of Hujino plummeted, and lost much of their hold. With the new school year dawning comes an influx of new students, which means potential recruits for each of the factions. One in particular, a carefree girl with a talent for martial arts by the name of Hitomi Koizuki, has gotten the attention of the new captain of Hujino.


With this, I think the last paragraph is okay. Maybe a bit of re-wording so that it's not one huge sentence. So, too-long-didn't-read advise underneath the hide-tag:


For as long as the students of Yomaihama High remember, there has been a rivalry of between various martial arts groups. The factions are split between those calling themselves Jukodo of the Brown, Hujino of the Green, Pirusuna of the Purple, Gekjou of the Gray, and Ushiyuga of the Blue, each one vying over control of Yomaihama High.

Hujino of the Green was lead by Ryota, a second-year student who was virtually undefeated. With his untimely passing away due to illness, the morale of Hujino plummeted, and lost much of their hold. With the new school year dawning comes an influx of new students, which means potential recruits for each of the factions. One in particular, a carefree girl with a talent for martial arts by the name of Hitomi Koizuki, has gotten the attention of the new captain of Hujino.

With the other four factions beginning their assault on each other, Hujino's captain knew the inevitable assault would cause chaos among his faction. He sets out to find new members, like Hitomi, while protecting what is left of Hujino's former glory.


Though, typing that, I get the odd impression that the player plays as Hitomi, rather than Atsuko. If it's the other way around, by all means, provide his name.