LET'S WORK ON YOUR GAME DESCRIPTIONS!

Posts

Thank you very much for your answers !

CashmereCat
The project link will not appear public to anyone else but you, since it has not been approved.

Didn't know, sorry.

I like your new characters' description, sold ! For the third, it wasn't offensive at all in my point of view, I wrote the description after drawing that artwork :



But in the game, there absolutlely is'nt any comment about her bust, so you are right that's an useless remark for the description. Maybe I should write that she is just really intelligent in the end, I think Marrend calmed it well.

In order to answer to both of you, "disturbed by the time" means that the time is stopped in certain places called "temporal places" here. People, animals, objects, and every single thing can't move, that's just stopped. I see that I need to be more accurate about this in the description now.

Let's try with Marrend's edit :

"The story is about two ten-year-old kids, Kyomaru and Midori. In this world, the time is stopped in many places, and everybody has black hair, with few exceptions. These exceptions are called "Kotonaru". The disturbances aren't safe for normal people, but, for Kotonarus, they are able to survive and to access certain powers that only exist when they are in close proximity to these disturbances."
I-Is she a noodle? o.O;;;


That description works fine.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
author=Wano
In order to answer to both of you, "disturbed by the time" means that the time is stopped in certain places called "temporal places" here. People, animals, objects, and every single thing can't move, that's just stopped. I see that I need to be more accurate about this in the description now.


Hrm. I would call that a "time-freeze". So, what I would now suggest, is...

The story is about two ten-year-old kids, Kyomaru and Midori. In this world, there are many places where time is frozen in place, and everybody has black hair, with few exceptions. These exceptions are called "Kotonaru". The time-freezes aren't safe for normal people, but, for Kotonarus, they are able to not only survive, but gain access certain powers that only exist when they are in close proximity to these disturbances.


...that. Though, if the one you had before gets accepted, okay.
Yeah that's better, frozen is more significant than stopped. Thank you, I submit that right know !

Edit : Yay it has been accepted ! Thanks a lot for your help. :)
Can someone help with my description? Its always get denied in here
author=me
Planet Terra is planet where human and Beast(monster) live together. They help each other and live peacefully.
However, Suddenly Beast began attacking humans at will. Many people from another world brought to this planet. The World become chaos

Dilo is a boy who live in forest with animals start his adventure to solve anomaly in planet terra.

On his journey, he'll met many people from another world who try to solve this anomaly and back to their own world.

However there also people who make profit from this anomaly and try to stop their journey.

This game follow dilo adventure to solve anomaly in this world with doing quest as many as possible.
When getting stuck from quest, player can also enjoy many mini game like fishing, action duel, card game, gambling, dancing, etc.

Feature:
- Quest system
- Animated Battler
- ATB
- Unison - Combination attack
- Fusion Magic
- Chain skill
- Movie magic
- Enemy have level (enemy get stronger when you get stronger)
- Battle voice
- Overlay Map
Mini games:
- Action Duel
- Airship war
- Fishing
- Triple Triad(card game from FFVIII)
- Math Quiz
- Dance
- Poker
- Slot machine
- Pacman

Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
Well, dilo, your story has a lot of grammatical errors in it. That, and the pictures disrupt the flow. If you must have those pictures, I would suggest submitting them as a media object. This option isn't available to you until after the gamepage is accepted, though. Anyway, I would suggest...

Terra is a planet where humans and beasts live together in peace. After the arrival of strange visitors from another world, the beasts start attacking humans at will. The common perception is that the strange visitors are to blame for the sudden change. How true this perception is, of course, unknown.

Dilo is a young man who lives in forest with beasts that are have not been affected by whatever is happening. He starts his adventure to solve that mystery. On his journey, he'll meet many people from the other world. Some will assist Dilo, while others profit from the chaos on Terra, and inevitably get in his way.
Our protagonist, you, is part of a cultural exchange program along two other guys. One of the two got you three into a mixer with a twist. The girls are youkai, and your friend has no knowledge of them beyond modern popculture. After an early game escape you now have to survive being hunted by three homicidal monsters hunting you for now reason other than fun and a love of the taste of blood.

The Demo ends after the first act of the story. The final version will contain images for the some cutscenes, including every ending, character portraits for every character, and 9 endings.
Still early in production
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
The sentence "One of the two got you three into a mixer with a twist." seems to stick out the most to me as being oddly worded. My overall suggestion would be something like...

You play as one of three male students that is part of a cultural exchange. You get involved in a mix-up from one of your fellow students involving girls that turn out to be youkai. Having no knowledge of youkai, outside of a few pop-culture references, the three students quickly find themselves needing to survive being hunted by the homicidal monsters.


...that. The fact that the game is a demo, and only goes up to the first act, well, I suppose that can stay? I dunno. I'd rather write blogs about where the game stands, but that's just me.
Thaks Marrend, I got accepted
I admit my english is bad
hi everyone,
I need a help to correct my game description,
there are grammar issue and stuff, pls help me.

link :
http://rpgmaker.net/games/7631/


-GAME DESCRIPTION-

++GAME DESCRIPTION++
A Simple Action-RPG, similar to Castlevania/Zelda classic with more MMORPG elements, like jobs/classes system, main quesst, sub quests and free roam style-RPG.

++STORY++
The main story tells about the journey of an ex-high ranked military commander-Curadhou Eiriou, the man who attempted to kill a member of Epsylian Council and became the most wanted criminal...

Meanwhile his brother, Prince Seive Xaverio Dalradvent, heir to the throne, was disappeared and suspected as a traitor who scheming an Anti Reservoir, a chaotic revolution at Gerrand, the capital city of the kingdom.

All happens while the nine symbols of the peace, the ancient weapons, are disappearing one by one...took by a demon...Fears are bestow upon the Reigeia...

This is a story of two Wind Swordman, Seive and Eiriou...the two fugitives on their seperate ways to overcome the awakens mythical power beyond...

-END OF GAME DESCRIPTION-



thanks alot. :)
CashmereCat
Self-proclaimed Puzzle Snob
11505
Hey cradth, the profile link doesn't work for anyone else but you because your profile is private, probably because it didn't get accepted.

Here's my version of your description:



Game description
A simple Action-RPG, similar to classic Castlevania/Zelda with more MMORPG-like elements, like a jobs/classes system, main quest, sub quests, and free roaming-style RPG structure.

Story
This story centers on the journey of formerly high ranked military commander Curadhou Eiriou, the man who had attempted to kill a member of the Epsylian Council, and had become the nation's most wanted criminal...

Meanwhile, his brother, Prince Seive Xaverio Dalradvent, heir to the throne, disappears and is suspected of being a traitor who is scheming a chaotic revolution at Gerrand, the capital city of the kingdom, codenamed Anti Reservoir.

Whilst all this is happening, the nine symbols of the peace - the ancient weapons - are disappearing one by one, taken by a fearsome demon. This casts a shade of gloom upon the Reigeia...

This is a story of two Wind Swordsmen, Seive and Eiriou, the two fugitives on their separate ways, to overcome the awakened mythical power beyond...
nhubi
Liberté, égalité, fraternité
11099
Slight amendments to Cash's suggestions

that should be free-roaming style not free roaming-style
comma after commander so commander, Curadhou Eiriou, and lose 'the man' after that so the sentence reads;

This story centers on the journey of formerly high ranked military commander, Curadhou Eiriou, who had attempted to kill a member of the Epsylian Council, and had become the nation's most wanted criminal.

Slight rewording of the second paragraph.
Meanwhile his brother, Prince Seive Xaverio Dalradvent, heir to the throne, disappears. Suspected of being a traitor who is responsible for a scheme code named Anti Reservoir, which lead to a chaotic revolution at Gerrand, the capital city of the kingdom.

I do have to ask though if Sieve and Curadhou are brothers, why do they have different family names and why isn't Curadhou also known as a Prince?

Third paragraph

Whilst all this is happening, the nine ancient weapons, symbols of the peace are disappearing one by one, taken by a fearsome demon. This casts a shadow of gloom upon the Reigeia.

I think replacing 'ways' with 'paths' in the last paragraph also makes it flow better.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
Not sharing the same last name suggests to me that they are half-brothers, of some kind. That's just my line of thought, though. Anyway, if you need a third option (which I kinda doubt, but, what the hey)...

Game Description
A simple action-RPG, similar to such classics as Castlevania and The Legend of Zelda, only with more MMORPG elements. Such as a job/class system, a main quest, sub-quests and a more free-roaming-style RPG.

Story
Curadhou Eiriou is a former high-ranking military commander. His attempt to murder a member of the Epsylian Council made him a most wanted criminal. Elsewhere, his half-brother, and heir to the throne, Prince Seive Xaverio Dalradvent, disappeared. Suspicions rose that he fled to the opposing capital city of Gerrand, and scheming an "Anti Reservoir" revolution.

All the while, the nine symbols of peace are disappearing one by one. Rumors abound that they were taken by a demon. Regardless of how true such rumors are, fear of what would occur if they all disappear is prevalent throughout all of Reigeia.

Amongst all this mess, two fugitives, Seive and Eiriou, part ways to overcome an awakened mythical power, and what lies beyond.

...though, in retrospect, if the story is supposed to be about Seive and Eiriou, shouldn't there be more info about them, and less info about this other stuff?
@CashmeerCat,
thank you so much,
no wonder, my submission got rejected. XD

@nhubi,
thanks for more corrections. :)
i really appreciate it.

they are brothers but not blood related.
Eiriou was adopted and act more like a bodyguard
though the two were close to each other.

another mistake, name is eiriou finhrouced,
i put "curadhou" as his title (like sir/lord), I'll fix it,
it's too confusing to read.

@Marrend,
yes, you guess it right,
they are brothers but not blood related. :)

that's a good idea, I think I should put another line,
to connect between the two matters here.


How about this :


Game description
A simple action-RPG, similar to such classics as Castlevania and The Legend of Zelda, only with more MMORPG elements. Such as a job/class system, a main quest, sub-quests and a more free-roaming-style RPG.

Story
This story centers on the journey of formerly high ranked military commander, Eiriou Finrouced, who had attempted to kill a member of the Epsylian Council, and had become the nation's most wanted criminal. He believes the council, may be hatching a plot called Reservoir to take control over the continent of Reigeia by wars and massacres.

Meanwhile, his brother, Prince Seive X.Dalradvent, heir to the throne, disappears and is suspected of being a traitor who is scheming a chaotic revolution at Gerrand, the capital city of Epsylia, codenamed Anti Reservoir.

All the while, the nine symbols of peace -the ancient weapons- are disappearing one by one. Rumors abound that they were taken by a demon... Regardless of how true such rumors are, fear of what would occur if they all disappear is prevalent throughout all the six kingdoms of Reigeia.

This is a story of two Wind Swordsmen, Seive and Eiriou, the two fugitives on their separate paths, to put an end into Reservoir and overcome the awakened mythical power beyond...



-END-


XD
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
...Dairgaaz, how did I fail to connect that the two brothers that are mentioned early are the same people as the fugitives mentioned later on?

*Edit: Do you really need that "-END-" at the end?
nhubi
Liberté, égalité, fraternité
11099
Slight corrections below

Game description
A simple action-RPG, similar to such classics as Castlevania and The Legend of Zelda, only with more MMORPG elements. Such as a job/class system, a main quest, sub-quests and a more free-roaming-style RPG.

Story
This story centers on the journey of formerly high ranked military commander, Eiriou Finrouced, who had attempted to kill a member of the Epsylian Council, and had become became the nation's most wanted criminal. He believes the council may be hatching a plot called Reservoir to take control over the continent of Reigeia by wars and massacres.

Meanwhile, his brother, Prince Seive X.Dalradvent, heir to the throne, disappears and is suspected of being a traitor who is scheming to bring about a chaotic revolution at Gerrand, the capital city of Epsylia, codenamed Anti Reservoir.

All the while, the nine symbols of peace -the ancient weapons- are disappearing one by one. Rumors abound that they were taken by a demon. Regardless of how true such rumors are, fear of what would occur if they all disappear is prevalent throughout all the six kingdoms of Reigeia.

This is a story of two Wind Swordsmen, Seive and Eiriou, the two fugitives on their separate paths to put an end into Reservoir and overcome the awakened mythical power that lies beyond...

You're mixing your tenses in that first paragraph. I really wanted to add in the fact it's his adopted brother but due to the fact that it's not the prince that is adopted that doesn't work. Still you should know, adopted is a legal status granting the same rights and privileges as a natural born child, so he'd still be a Prince. It's why royal families don't adopt - it causes problems with succession. Though that is real world and this isn't so ignore as you see fit.
author=Marrend
...Dairgaaz, how did I fail to connect that the two brothers that are mentioned early are the same people as the fugitives mentioned later on?

*Edit: Do you really need that "-END-" at the end?

ah sorry my bad,
i had no intention when put that -END- at the end.
just finished my post and dunno why, i typed it. lol

edited* after read nhubi corrections,
so is it right, this time? the full public profile will be


Stories of Sheidh IV - Oracion Memoirs
Cradth Helverd Projects.


+Game description+

A simple action-RPG, similar to such classics as Castlevania and The Legend of Zelda, only with more MMORPG elements. Such as a job/class system, a main quest, sub-quests and a more free-roaming-style RPG.


+Story+

This story centers on the journey of formerly high ranked military commander, Eiriou Finrouced, who attempted to kill a member of the Epsylian Council, and became the nation's most wanted criminal. He believes the council may be hatching a plot called Reservoir to take control over the continent of Reigeia.

Meanwhile, his brother, Prince Seive X.Dalradvent, heir to the throne, disappears and is suspected of being a traitor who is scheming to bring about a chaotic revolution at Gerrand, the capital city of Epsylia, codenamed Anti Reservoir.

All the while, the nine symbols of peace -the ancient weapons- are disappearing one by one. Rumors abound that they were taken by a demon. Regardless of how true such rumors are, fear of what would occur if they all disappear is prevalent throughout the six kingdoms of Reigeia.

This is a story of two Wind Swordsmen, Seive and Eiriou, two fugitives on their separate paths to put an end into Reservoir and overcome the awakened mythical power that lies beyond...


+Features+

+ 3 GAME MODES ( Normal Mode, God Mode, and Hellgate Mode! )
+ 20~30 HOURS OF GAMEPLAY ( A great journey in Reigeia! )
+ ACTION BATTLE SYSTEM ( No random encounters, fight all enemies on the Map! )
+ 7 PLAYABLE CHARACTERS ( 4 Main Characters, dan 3 Side Characters to play! )
+ 30 UNIQUE JOBS/CLASSES ( 7 Basic Class, 13 Advance Class, 9 Legion Class, dan 1 Secret Class to choose! )
+ 300+ VARIOUS SKILLS ( Personal Skills, Class Skills, Talent, Special Skills, Enemy Skills! )
+ 700+ VARIOUS EQUIPMENTS ( Hundreds weapons & armors to collect! )
+ 100+ VARIOUS MONSTERS ( Beat em all and become a legendary warrior! )
+ 40+ VARIOUS QUEST ( There are many sub-quest all over the continent! )
+ ALIGNMENT SYSTEM ( Be a good hero or a bad guys?! It's your choice! )
+ DAY AND NIGHT SYSTEM ( People are sleep and shops are closed at night, think your time management! )
+ STORAGE SYSTEM ( Keep or leave your stuffs in some vaults! Your inventory is limited, be wise! )
+ 6 FACTIONS, 4 ALTERNATE ENDING ( Help/ignore the people to add faction point and decide your ending! )
+ OPEN WORLD - FREE ROAMING ( Feels free to explore the continent! )
+ HOME DECORATING ( Buy a house, villa, and some additional furnitures! )
+ FARMING ( Buy seeds and grow your plants for more cash! )
+ CRAFTING ( Create your own items and weapons! )
+ COOKING ( Cook your foods and find all recipes! )
+ FISHING ( Sail the sea or find a fishing spot to get items and fishes! )
+ CHAMPION ARENA ( Test your might and be the champion! )



+Download+

Click Download Now/Go to Downloads
for a game demo and Full version of the game,
nhubi
Liberté, égalité, fraternité
11099
In the features, firstly you don't need the exclamation point at the end of each section, but I understand it's a stylistic choice.

+Features+

+ 3 GAME MODES ( Normal Mode, God Mode, and Hellgate Mode! )
+ 20~30 HOURS OF GAMEPLAY ( A great journey in Reigeia! )
+ ACTION BATTLE SYSTEM ( No random encounters, fight all enemies on the Mmap! )
+ 7 PLAYABLE CHARACTERS ( 4 Main Characters danand 3 Side Characters to play! )
+ 30 UNIQUE JOBS/CLASSES ( 7 Basic Class, 13 Advance Class, 9 Legion Class, danand 1 Secret Class to choose! )
+ 300+ VARIOUSDIFFERENT SKILLS ( Personal Skills, Class Skills, Talent, Special Skills, Enemy Skills! ) - you don't get to experience enemy skills as a player, well not as a feature anyway
+ 700+ VARIOUS PIECES OF EQUIPMENTS ( Hundreds of weapons & armors to collect! )
+ 100+ VARIOUS MONSTERS ( Beat em them all and become a legendary warrior! )
+ 40+ VARIOUS QUESTS ( There are many subside-quests all over the continent! )
+ ALIGNMENT SYSTEM ( Be a good hero or a bad guys?! It's your choice! )
+ DAY AND NIGHT SYSTEM ( People are sleep and shops are closed at night, think your time management so plan accordingly! )
+ STORAGE SYSTEM ( Keep or leave your stuffsitems in somea vaults! Your inventory is limited,so be wise! )
+ 6 FACTIONS, 4 ALTERNATE ENDINGS ( Help/ignore the people to add faction points and decide your ending! )
+ OPEN WORLD - FREE ROAMING ( Feels free to explore the continent! )
+ HOME DECORATING ( Buy a house, villa, and some additional furnitures! ) Is it a house or a villa?
+ FARMING ( Buy seeds and grow your plants crops for more cash! )
+ CRAFTING ( Create your own items and weapons! )
+ COOKING ( Cook foods and find alldiscover new recipes! )
+ FISHING ( Sail the sea or find a fishing spot to get items and fishes! )
+ CHAMPION ARENA ( Test your might and be the champion! )
ah i got it, thanks alot.
im going to fix it on other sites too,
I feel happy and ashamed at the same.haha XD

it becomes like this

Stories of Sheidh IV - Oracion Memoirs
Cradth Helverd Projects.


+Game description+
A simple action-RPG, similar to such classics as Castlevania and The Legend of Zelda, only with more MMORPG elements. Such as a job/class system, a main quest, sub-quests and a more free-roaming-style RPG.

+Story+
This story centers on the journey of formerly high ranked military commander, Eiriou Finrouced, who attempted to kill a member of the Epsylian Council, and became the nation's most wanted criminal. He believes the council may be hatching a plot called Reservoir to take control over the continent of Reigeia.

Meanwhile, his brother, Prince Seive X.Dalradvent, heir to the throne, disappears and is suspected of being a traitor who is scheming to bring about a chaotic revolution at Gerrand, the capital city of Epsylia, codenamed Anti Reservoir.

All the while, the nine symbols of peace -the ancient weapons- are disappearing one by one. Rumors abound that they were taken by a demon. Regardless of how true such rumors are, fear of what would occur if they all disappear is prevalent throughout the six kingdoms of Reigeia.

This is a story of two Wind Swordsmen, Seive and Eiriou, two fugitives on their separate paths to put an end into Reservoir and overcome the awakened mythical power that lies beyond...

+Feature+
3 GAME MODES ( Normal Mode, God Mode, and Hellgate Mode! )
20~30 HOURS OF GAMEPLAY ( A great journey in Reigeia! )
ACTION BATTLE SYSTEM ( No random encounters, fight all enemies on the map! )
7 PLAYABLE CHARACTERS ( 4 Main Characters, and 3 Side Characters to play! )
30 UNIQUE JOBS/CLASSES ( 7 Basic Class, 13 Advance Class, 9 Legion Class, and 1 Secret Class to choose! )
300+ DIFFERENT SKILLS ( Personal Skills, Class Skills, Talent, Special Skills! )
700+ PIECES OF EQUIPMENT ( Hundreds of weapons and armors to collect! )
100+ VARIOUS MONSTERS ( Beat them all and become a legendary warrior! )
40+ VARIOUS QUESTS ( There are many side-quests all over the continent! )
ALIGNMENT SYSTEM ( Be a good hero or a bad guy, It's your choice! )
DAY AND NIGHT SYSTEM ( People sleep and shops are closed at night, so plan accordingly! )
STORAGE SYSTEM ( Keep or leave your items in a vault! Your inventory is limited, so be wise! )
6 FACTIONS, 4 ALTERNATE ENDINGS ( Help/ignore people to add faction points and decide your ending! )
OPEN WORLD - FREE ROAMING ( Feel free to explore the continent!! )
HOME DECORATING ( Buy a house or a villa, and some additional furniture! )
FARMING ( Buy seeds and grow crops for more cash! )
CRAFTING ( Create your own items and weapons! )
COOKING ( Cook your food and discover new recipes! )
FISHING ( Sail the sea or find a fishing spot to get items and fish! )
CHAMPION ARENA ( Test your might and be the champion! )



nhubi
Liberté, égalité, fraternité
11099
Still missing a couple, it's Various Quests (plural) and Cook your food (singular, actually both but just remove the extraneous 's')