LET'S WORK ON YOUR GAME DESCRIPTIONS!

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nhubi
Liberté, égalité, fraternité
11099
Arttoongirl, what was the reason specifically, and could you post the version you submitted? There may be fine tuning we can do for you.
Can anyone help mine:
IGMC entry RMN distribution Site Gamepage:
author=][size=30
This is a Competition entry for the IGMC

Another world is a new series written by MJM not related to the currently in development Future helper series. This is also a competition entry that is made for fun.



Promises can be easily fulfill by the tree of Promises as it grow every 1500 years
In the world of Vitania that is. But that doesn't mean a promise from a person from Another world can't experience it. Join Adrian and his new friend Sandra a Regular human being from a different world as his quest into finding out why he was sent to Vitania and find the truth by the growing power of the Country and the Tree of Promises.


Adrian
A Ordinary person from a different sent to Vitania with no reasons or anything why
he was sent there.

Sandra
A Witch in training somehow think she sent Adrian to her world. A very funny and clumsy girl who always seem to be carried away on anything.


- An all new story, An all new adventure into the world of Vitania
- An Original Soundtrack series created by various Composers


If I need to add something to my
nhubi
Liberté, égalité, fraternité
11099
Ok, a couple of corrections spring to mind. The bit in red is a question.

This is a Competition entry for the IGMC

Another world is a new series written by MJM not related to the currently in development Future helper series. This is also a competition entry that is made for fun.



In the world of Vitania P promises can be easily fulfill fulfilled by the tree Tree of Promises as it grow grows every 1500 years. - grows or flowers?
In the world of Vitania that is. But that doesn't mean a promise from a person from Another world can't experience it. The tree will grant a promise to anyone who asks. Join Adrian a Regular human being from a different world and his new friend Sandra,as on his quest into finding out discovering why he was sent to Vitania and find the truth by about the growing power of the Country and the Tree of Promises.

Adrian
A Ordinary person human from a different world sent to Vitania with no reasons or anything why he was sent there. without his knowledge.

Sandra
A Witch in training somehow think who believes she sent brought Adrian to her world. A very funny and clumsy girl who always seems to be carried away on anything with everything.


- An all new story. An all new adventure into the world of Vitania
- An Original Soundtrack series created by various Composers
author=nhubi
Ok, a couple of corrections spring to mind. The bit in red is a question.

This is a Competition entry for the IGMC

Another world is a new series written by MJM not related to the currently in development Future helper series. This is also a competition entry that is made for fun.



In the world of Vitania P promises can be easily fulfill fulfilled by the tree Tree of Promises as it grow grows every 1500 years. - grows or flowers?
In the world of Vitania that is. But that doesn't mean a promise from a person from Another world can't experience it. The tree will grant a promise to anyone who asks. Join Adrian a Regular human being from a different world and his new friend Sandra,as on his quest into finding out discovering why he was sent to Vitania and find the truth by about the growing power of the Country and the Tree of Promises.

Adrian
A Ordinary person human from a different world sent to Vitania with no reasons or anything why he was sent there. without his knowledge.

Sandra
A Witch in training somehow think who believes she sent brought Adrian to her world. A very funny and clumsy girl who always seems to be carried away on anything with everything.


- An all new story. An all new adventure into the world of Vitania
- An Original Soundtrack series created by various Composers



Thanks and the answer to your question is "grows".
This is a standard RPG at least taking some inspiration from the Final Fantasy series and a little bit from the Tales of series. It is sideview atb battle style and has some puzzles to solve.

Rachel had been studying hard for her final exam at the end of the college year. She relaxed as soon as she turned in her exam she felt like she did well but wouldn't know till a month later. Joey worked on his robot for his mechanic exam he was working on the final touches never quite reaching his own standards but after the 15th rework he sighed it was going to have to be good enough so he turned in his robot to his teacher who inspected it and said it was one of the best robots he had seen. Lance closed the notebook that had contained his whole research on marine animal life it was easily 400 pages of research Lance had struggled to gather as much research especially since he didn't really care for college he only went cause his parents made him choose something.

Rachel, Joey, and Lance all lived together in a apartment as they were going to college. After the college year had ended the three had decided to move from their apartment while moving they found a sword which had teleported them to another world in this world they meet a man Julius who finds their story a bit hard to believe but decides to trust them which embarks them onto their journey.

Thoughts?
nhubi
Liberté, égalité, fraternité
11099
Well that whole second paragraph isn't needed. Try something like this, bits in red are either questions or notes to be added by you.

Rachel, Joey and Lance are college students, living together to save on rent. Rachel is a conscientious XX major (you didn't mention what she is studying) Joey is a mechanical engineer with an exacting focus on robotics and Lance is studying hard to become a marine biologist, but isn't sure of his future as college was more his parent's idea than his.

At the end of the college year the three friends decide to move in to a new apartment together, but in the process of packing (or unpacking do they find it at the old apartment of the new one?) they come across a sword that none of them have seen before and when one of them touches it they find themselves transported to another world.

They are soon found by a man called Julius who though sceptical of the fantastic tale they tell him of the world from which they came, decides to help them find a way to return home.

That covers pretty much what you have written but you need a hook though, something to add danger or intrigue, something to catch the player's eye and interest.
alright I'll edit it and I have a idea for a hook since what I have in mind is near the beginning of the game will post the edited/hook version here as well
Could I ask for help with description for a game? Submission was denied because of grammar/punctuation/sentence structure.

The description:

"I never thought that curse of the past would be that, what killed me.
Yes, while you'll be reading that, I will be dead already. I can feel the poison slowly eating me from inside.

It's all because of that damned game. I get it from one of my old friends. We meet by a chance at my workplace. After little chat, he gave me CD with peculiar game.
It was titled "Townlore" - I won't forget that title.
He told me that it's supposed to be cursed. I didn't believe it back then, obviously.
After work, I decided to try playing that game.
It was simple and pretty boring, actually.
Only interesting part of it was that it used real time.
I thought that maybe at certain time something interesting would occur.
I got back to game every hour. Until then...

To anybody who tries to play it after my death:

DON’T PLAY THIS GAME LATE AT NIGHT.
DON’T GO INTO THE FOREST.
FOLLOW THE RULESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS"

Thanks in advance :).
Fixed version without changing the structure of the text:

author=GreyInvidia
"I never thought that a curse of the past would be that what killed me.
Yes, by the time you are reading this I will be dead already. I can feel the poison slowly eating me from inside.

It's all because of that damned game. I got it from one of my old friends. We met by chance at my workplace. After a little chat he gave me a CD with a peculiar game.
It was titled "Townlore" - I won't forget that title.
He told me that it's supposed to be cursed. I didn't believe it back then, obviously.
After work I decided to try out the game.
It was simple and pretty boring, actually.
Only interesting part of it was that it used real-time gameplay.
I thought that, maybe at a certain point, something interesting would occur.
I got back to the game every hour. Until...

To anybody who tries to play it after my death:

DON’T PLAY THIS GAME LATE AT NIGHT.
DON’T GO INTO THE FOREST.
FOLLOW THE RULES."

While I'm here I might as well request a read for my game's description to maybe find some things that could be improved upon. It's pretty long so I'll post the link to the profile: http://rpgmaker.net/games/4911/

Some things I'm uncertain about with my game's description:
-Should I keep the part where it explains what FADE stands for, or is it unnecessary to have it there?
-I know a lot of people like to bitch about feature lists, but not sure what else to call it while still letting people know what to expect from my game.
-I'm pretty confident in my English, but it isn't my native language, so feel free to point out any mistakes.
-Anything else I'm missing that people might want to read about?
nhubi
Liberté, égalité, fraternité
11099
GreyInvidia I'd actually include a line before the instructions

DON'T PLAY THIS GAME

Because quite honestly if this is a guy who knows the game is killing him why would he recommend someone else play it? You can follow that with,

If you are already playing
DON’T PLAY THIS GAME LATE AT NIGHT.
DON’T GO INTO THE FOREST.
FOLLOW THE RULES."

Otherwise he just comes across as a bit of a jerk.

Also a couple of lines need fixing

"I never thought that a curse of the past would be that what killed me. Should be "I never thought that a curse from the past would be what killed me.

Yes, by the time you are reading this I will be dead already. Should be Yes, by the time you read this I will be dead.

'I got back to the game" should be "I went back to the game"
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
@Milennin:
Should I keep the part where it explains what FADE stands for, or is it unnecessary to have it there?


The fact that you tell us what FADE stands for makes me wonder if BETA stands for anything. However, that's just me!

I know a lot of people like to bitch about feature lists, but not sure what else to call it while still letting people know what to expect from my game.


The kinds of feature lists that people tend to complain about seem to typically combine credits as well. It would be like your "Plugins" section, except that there would be specifics as to who contributed what script/plugin/what-have-you. If that makes any sense?
author=Marrend
@Milennin:
Should I keep the part where it explains what FADE stands for, or is it unnecessary to have it there?


The fact that you tell us what FADE stands for makes me wonder if BETA stands for anything. However, that's just me!

I know a lot of people like to bitch about feature lists, but not sure what else to call it while still letting people know what to expect from my game.


The kinds of feature lists that people tend to complain about seem to typically combine credits as well. It would be like your "Plugins" section, except that there would be specifics as to who contributed what script/plugin/what-have-you. If that makes any sense?


Yeah, BETA stands for nothing, I only named it like that because it started out as a place to experiment with the RPG Maker features rather than with the intent of making it an actual game. So, should I get rid of it, or is it okay to keep? (is it something that people value when they check out a game's description?)

Do you mean that it's best to not have any sort of features and credits list, then?
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
I'd say keep the explanation about what FADE stands for, since it actually stands for something. As for credits, I think they can stay-as is. As for the feature list, whither or not it should be included, or renamed to something else ("What to expect", maybe?), I'm less certain about that.
author=nhubi
GreyInvidia I'd actually include a line before the instructions

DON'T PLAY THIS GAME

Because quite honestly if this is a guy who knows the game is killing him why would he recommend someone else play it? You can follow that with,

If you are already playing
DON’T PLAY THIS GAME LATE AT NIGHT.
DON’T GO INTO THE FOREST.
FOLLOW THE RULES."

Otherwise he just comes across as a bit of a jerk.

Also a couple of lines need fixing

"I never thought that a curse of the past would be that what killed me. Should be "I never thought that a curse from the past would be what killed me.

Yes, by the time you are reading this I will be dead already. Should be Yes, by the time you read this I will be dead.

'I got back to the game" should be "I went back to the game"


Hm... that's a very good point! Thanks!
nhubi
Liberté, égalité, fraternité
11099
We can't see the description if the game hasn't been accepted, you'll need to cut and paste it here for us to look at for you.
here

Half-Souls is a gritty RPG full of twists and turns, diverse characters, and a story you will not soon forget

the game is based in the brightly colored segment of the world known only as "the continent" a radiant land that would seem like a utopia, but underneath the "plastic" fields and "silicone" deserts, lies a grim, dark world full of prejudice and evil, those who can not stand up to evil either stay out of its way or be crushed by the foot of injustice. but... in this world exists beings known as Half-Souls, these beings are humans that have 2 halves to their soul, a human half and a mystical half. Though most of the time in a human form the other form can take over optionally to transform into a certain a being of the Half-Soul's choosing, granting them either the body of said being, or great powers link to the being.

You are Samato, A young Half Soul boy seeking answers after his mother is murdered by an unknown force, Samato lives in the North-West Isles in the far west forests with the Half Soul Academy being just the next village along. The academy is run by the mysterious old man known only as "the master." With Samato at the academy is Iruka Seomi A 16 year old girl with a mysterious past. everything is normal at this Academy until one day after A vision, Samato and Iruka wake up to see that their master has gone, and has left instructions for Samato and Iruka to gather the Half Souls from across the continent and meet him at the fabled "Devil's Vault"

the games itself is a "Semi-non-linear" (if that is even a thing) game, with it taking full advantage of the power of the RPG Maker VX Ace engine, being quite like a metal gear solid game it can quickly change from a serious situation to a happy and heartfelt situation.

many choices, many morality paths you walk, which will you walk... will you be the hero you were born to be, be greedy and have those around you suffer because of it?, or will you walk to path of a merciless sadist the choice is yours...

(WARNING: the game itself contains sexual references, censored scenes of a sexual nature, violence, flashing images and strong language, player discretion is advised)
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
Before I make any specific suggestions, there is one point I wish to clarify. These Half-Souls are part human, but, their other part is some kind of mystical intelligence (a parasite, perhaps?) that can take over, which causes the body to change shape into... whatever form the mystical intelligence chooses? I dunno. Maybe I'm just confused by how you're trying to relay what the precise conditions are that the Half-Souls transform, and what all can occur under transformation. Such as, what would "great powers linked to the being" even mean? Do you mean "grant powers linked to the being", perhaps?

Anyway, in general terms, I'm kinda thinking that explaining/introducing the concept of what a Half-Soul is would be first thing, then move to Samato, and his story.
I just got denied because of grammatical errors and sentence structure issues.
Please help me proof it.


*NOTED : I'M NOT A CREATOR OF THIS GAME. I'M JUST A TRANSLATOR. THIS GAME IS ORIGINALLY IN THAI.

YOU CAN CONTACT THE CREATOR HERE : Jojo741963

WEBBOARD : Gameworldth



~You're an angel painting, not a monster anymore.~


Story :
Ann, Karen and Baron got lost in the forest. While they were wandering around the forest to find a way back home, they found an abandoned building. The rain falls and they had no choice but to take shelter in that creepy-looking place. They hope that they could safely get some rests until their parents would find them. But then, a strange thing occurred. Ann awoke and found herself alone in the room where it supposed to have two friends with her. She wandered around the building to find her missing friends. Because of that, she will have to meet "something" she always dreamed of. She will soon discover the secret of this place, and her own past.


Characters :

- Ann

A young girl who like drawing the most. She's also good at it. She doesn't have much friends beside Karen and Baron.

- Karen

One of Ann's close friends since childhood. A strong girl.


- Baron

One of Ann's close friends since childhood. A good boy.


Features :
- Original Facesets.
- Most of the resources are from RTP.
- BGMs from Royalty Free Music.
- Tricky puzzles.

If you have any question about the game, just ask.

If you want to tell something to the creator, just contact the link on the top or just post it here and I'll be sure to tell him directly. Also, your comments here about the game will be send to the creator. So, feel free to comment.

If there's any translation errors, feel free to tell me and I'll fix it as fast as I can.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
I'm kinda thinking a link to the game on "Gamebboardth" (Gameboard.th?), or wherever, might be nice, but, that's just me talking.

Anyway, concentrating on the story-section for a bit, my suggestion would be something like...

Three friends get lost in a forest. As they fumble around to get a sense of direction, they find an abandoned building. With the rain falling hard, the otherwise ominous building beckons to them as a form of shelter until the weather clears. Fatigued, they dose off one-by-one.

When one of them, Ann, wakes up, she finds herself alone. She wanders the halls, trying to find her friends. However, in so doing, she will have to face her own nightmares, her past, as well as discovering the secrets of this place.

...that. Or something like it.

*Edit: Oh. I see that you planned to make a link... to contact the creator? Well, I suppose the option to leave a comment (in English) on the gamepage that you would pass on to the creator (in Thai) exists.