LET'S WORK ON YOUR GAME DESCRIPTIONS!

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author=Marrend
If getting the bonus is considered a requirement to achieve an ending, and the bonus is generated at completely random... I dunno. I kinda want to call BS on that?

That's one of the reasons why I publish small game before big project is completely formed. But you're right, if I want some feedback about my game or if I wanted to discuss game mechanics and stuff in context of using them in my next game there's different threads to do it.

author=Marrend
So, if you want to be up-front about what the bonus is, and how it could work, my current suggestion is along the lines of...

...a bonus that can be present at random each time you visit the starting classroom (note: it no longer spawns after being obtained).


...this?

This can go, thank you.
The game review failed and was rejected 2 times, the reason is: "Description needs work." At first I thought it was a lack of game introduction, but it didn’t seem like that. I have changed it once, but I don’t know why. Hope everyone can help me. The following is a Summary:

In the 2124 years today, people become disgusted with the pursuit of the material world, and then desire the spiritual world, occultism rises, people abandon the original social order, the government is abolished. In such an environment, 12 men and women who did not know each other were held together by an underground organization called "Experiment No.1." The 12 people who were imprisoned were called "the chosen people, the children of God." They must follow the instructions of the leader of the illegal organization "The GOD ONE" to escape from this pre-set dangerous playground. Every choice they make is related to the destiny of mankind. Choice means the development and change of the situation. This era emphasizes "Choice" more. Can they make the right choice?

Escape game, similar to Nine Persons. How a group of people trapped in a huge underground laboratory escaped, and challenges encountered in the exciting game process how to overcome the difficulties. Brand new plot, brand new game architecture and concept design. The traps encountered during the game, and the puzzle elements that are difficult to solve, how will you untie? The game is more plot-oriented, different from the original game.

This is not my latest work, this is a planned project in 2014. Originally intended to be released in an earlier time period, but due to some timing reasons, this plan was cancelled. File here for now, and plan to restart the project in the future maybe.
author=Marrend
@Marrend
Maybe you can help...
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
Okay, well, I'm definitely noticing some things. Perhaps there are a few points I might be getting mixed up with the re-write, but, what I am considering is something like...

Story:
In the year 2124, people became disgusted with the pursuit of material goods. With the rise of occultism, the pursuit is of a more spiritual nature. The social order of old was scrapped, and governments were abolished in the wake of the revolution.

One such occult was an organization called "Experiment No.1". They gathered 12 strangers, and imprisoned them for the purpose of running a dangerous social experiment. Calling their prospective guinea pigs "the chosen people" or "the children of God", they set before them tasks of increasing moral and/or physical difficulty. What kinds of choices will these people make, and what kind of effect they might such choices have on the destiny of Mankind, itself?


Game Details
An escape game, similar to Nine Persons, the game presents a query of how a group of people trapped in a huge underground laboratory escape, the challenges they encounter in the process, and how they overcome it's difficulties. Brand new plot, brand new game architecture, and concept design. The traps encountered during the game, and their puzzle elements, are difficult to solve. This game aims to be more plot-oriented, from Nine Persons.

Personal aside
This is not my latest work. It was first planned sometime around 2014, with a release later. Due to various circumstances, the game's development, and it's summarily release, was delayed. There is a possibility to restart, or re-imagine, this project later on, but, I decided to post the original here.

...this? As mentioned, I kinda feel I got a number of things wrong with what you were trying to relay, and how you were relaying it.
author=Marrend
Okay, well, I'm definitely noticing some things. Perhaps there are a few points I might be getting mixed up with the re-write, but, what I am considering is something like...

Story:
In the year 2124, people became disgusted with the pursuit of material goods. With the rise of occultism, the pursuit is of a more spiritual nature. The social order of old was scrapped, and governments were abolished in the wake of the revolution.

One such occult was an organization called "Experiment No.1". They gathered 12 strangers, and imprisoned them for the purpose of running a dangerous social experiment. Calling their prospective guinea pigs "the chosen people" or "the children of God", they set before them tasks of increasing moral and/or physical difficulty. What kinds of choices will these people make, and what kind of effect they might such choices have on the destiny of Mankind, itself?


Game Details
An escape game, similar to Nine Persons, the game presents a query of how a group of people trapped in a huge underground laboratory escape, the challenges they encounter in the process, and how they overcome it's difficulties. Brand new plot, brand new game architecture, and concept design. The traps encountered during the game, and their puzzle elements, are difficult to solve. This game aims to be more plot-oriented, from Nine Persons.

Personal aside
This is not my latest work. It was first planned sometime around 2014, with a release later. Due to various circumstances, the game's development, and it's summarily release, was delayed. There is a possibility to restart, or re-imagine, this project later on, but, I decided to post the original here.


...this? As mentioned, I kinda feel I got a number of things wrong with what you were trying to relay, and how you were relaying it.
Oh,thanks! I will try this.
Two of my games was denied.

Here is the description I put in one of them, Tales of Ágaris

Premise

A game completely linked to another game of mine, the "Heroes of Time". Tales of Ágaris occurs in the past of Heroes of Time.

In Tales of Ágaris we will live the events that occurred in the middle age, whose is shown in Heroes of Time

History

Rumors speculate that a frightening being would emerge soon. And indeed, just as it was written by religious, Gorgos, the most fearsome demon in hell, would arise. But this will not happen by chance. Lars, a member of the grimfur king's elite soldiers, will greatly help Gorgos' resurgence. However, three king soldiers performing missions for world peace is established in Ágaris and other kingdoms of the world. One of the missions is to try to revive Rion, with whom King Grimfur has confidence and faith to be resurrected and compose the army in dark times as at the present time. The fate of the planet is in the hands of our heroes so that evil does not hover over us, and we can live for another 1000 years (where occurs Heroes of Time's events)

Features

A sample game, with a sample history and a sample battle system(yanfly), but with a special meaning, whose is the link to another game in the same universe.
And here is the second game of mine, Heroes of Time:

History

The year is 2130. The world lives in a time of peace, where robots designed for security assist the police in every situation. However, Agaris city is terrified by an attack by a scientist called Aizack protected by 3 incredibly strong robots that help him steal fuel from the research center, fighting the security troops. This fuel is what he needs so he can travel back in time with the machine he built. The scientist aims to distort reality and make an ideal world for him. More precisely, to go back 1000 years ago. He intends to take the princess's necklace, whose powers are capable of summoning extremely powerful demons, but which over time has been deteriorated and destroyed. All this in the middle of the year 1130, coincidentally in the year that Gorgos emerged from the depths and installed chaos and destruction around the world.

However, still in the present, Henzo, Willie, and Lenna discover the scientist's plans and decide to follow him to protect the story lived until now.

A lot is yet to come in the story. Some characters from the past will join the team to help them, villains who have nothing to do with it will come and mess things up, and more.

Premise

In this game, you will make CHOICES to don't distort the timeline so that the future isn't affected.
PS: the multiple ends of the game are the result of what you chose to do during your journey. It may be good or not.


The game gives you choices from the beginning to the end of the game. You choose the destiny of the future since the game has multiple different endings. Which will be yours?

Songs played
Scar's Time - Chrono Cross
Battle Themes of FFII, FFIII and FFV

Scripts

- Frontal battle system
- YEA - Core System,
- YEA Battle Engine
- YEA Victory Aftermatch
- Galv's Menu Themes
- Galv's Equip level up
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
In regards to Tales of Ágaris, I'm thinking something along the lines of...

Rumors have speculated on the possibility of a frightening creature emerging. Indeed, may religious texts had spoken of the demon's arrival, and some rumors were based on such prophecies. However, the efforts of Lars, among the elite soldiers of King Grimfur's army, has helped to make the emergence a grim reality.

Meanwhile, the efforts of three soldiers work for world peace. They had established themselves in Ágaris, and other portions of the world. One of their stated tasks to to revive Rion. King Grimfur has a secret confidence for Rion to become in composition of the ever-grown armies of darkness.

With the fate of the world hanging in the balance, it is up to you, intrepid heroes, to defeat evil!


This game is a prequel to Heroes of Time, set 1000 years before the events of said game. The events here would approximate the "Middle Ages" of the game-world.


...this. Though, I would advise linking the gamepage for Heroes of Time to this description after it gets accepted, and probably visa-versa. Though, in regards to....

A sample game, with a sample history and a sample battle system(yanfly), but with a special meaning, whose is the link to another game in the same universe.


...this sentence in your original text, I believe the word "simple" should be in place of "sample".


As for Heroes in Time, maybe something like...

Long forgotten are days of strife and conflict. Robots have been manufactured to assist with the police to keep the peace and security of the lands. Yet, not all is quite tranquil.

A scientist, named, Aizack, uses his own robots to fuel a machine that he build to go back in time. To make the world one of his own design, he aims to steal a certain magical necklace that has lost it's potency in the modern age. However, 1000 years ago, it had the capability of summoning extremely powerful demons.

The era that Aizack needs to visit coincides with the emergence of Gorgos, which was a dark moment in history. Henzo, Willie, and Lenna discover the scientist's plans and decide that he needs to be stopped. Both to preserve the present that they know, and to protect the future that they don't know. Choices will be made. Choices that could affect both present and future. They can only hope they make the right ones.


...this?
I dream of creating my own game with the motives of gambling. But I haven't thought about the description yet.
For me the description is not the problem. It's hard for me to come up with a story that makes sense, rather than being completely random.
Can someone fix this up for me so it sounds better for the game page?

Connie is a 24 year old trans woman who has a obsession with treasure, she's heard about this tower that has a treasure at the top of it.
So her and Brayden(her gay bestfriend) decide to look in to finding this treasure. to see what it is.
Connie is a volgar woman as well as Brayden, they both have pottie mouth as this game is not intended for young audiences.
There is strong language and use of drugs and alcohol also strong slang in the script.
You have been warned if you are offended by volgar language and games with slang language then don't play it.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
My current suggestion would be something like...

Connie is a 24-year-old trans woman who is absolutely obsessed with treasure. Upon hearing rumors of a great treasure on top of a tower, she is naturally curious about it. Thus, she goes with her best friend, Brayden, to seek it out.

The game uses strong language/slang, and has use of drugs and alcohol. As such, it is not recommended for young children, or those offended by such things, to play the game.

...this. Though, I note that this version (minus the bold and color tags) is only 406 characters, while your original had 564. I would suggest adding more to make up at least to the minimum requirement of 500. The thought that is occurring to me at this moment is to add that the game could have been intended to release for GayMak '21. However, given that it ends pretty much today, I've doubts you'll be able to submit in time, since you don't even have a gamepage yet. ;_;
Yeah I was not even half way finished the game.
Hello all. I haven’t created a page yet but would anyone be willing to review this description before I submit it, please?

CONTENT WARNING: This game contains strong language and violence. Player discretion is advised.

This is a fangame based on Mortis Ghost’s OFF. It is highly recommended that you play OFF first in order to get the most out of your experience.

Story:
After the world was purified by the Batter, the Space Apes have been busy devising a dastardly plan. All of the zones are gone. Instead, a Tower stands in the nothingness, looming menacingly for all to see.

Play as Rien, a boxing superhero on a mission to destroy The Tower and save the world. You will both explore every floor of the Tower where dastardly demons and militant apes lie in wait. What is the purpose of this Tower? What happened to the survivors and the victims of the Batter’s crusade? And just where is the Batter anyway? Find out in this issue of Rupture!

Features:
Meet new friends and old ones too!
A brand new perspective with a unique art style to boot
Music by the legendary Alias Conrad Coldwood
Turn-based combo battle system
Challenging yet fun enemies

Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
There is one point of clarification I would like in regards to the references to the "Tower" in your description. It's possible that the building in question is called "Tower", and as a proper name, it's first letter should be capitalized in all instances. Which it is. However, if it's a reference to the type of building/structure it is, the first letter would follow the general capitalization rules.

Perhaps this point might be more understood in the context of OFF's lore, however, I am not terribly familiar with said lore.
author=Marrend
There is one point of clarification I would like in regards to the references to the "Tower" in your description. It's possible that the building in question is called "Tower", and as a proper name, it's first letter should be capitalized in all instances. Which it is. However, if it's a reference to the type of building/structure it is, the first letter would follow the general capitalization rules.

Perhaps this point might be more understood in the context of OFF's lore, however, I am not terribly familiar with said lore.


Thank you for your response! Yes the Tower is its proper name. It was supposed to be a placeholder initially but the name stuck in the end.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
Since it's a proper name, and is an original idea/location in this universe, I would suggest a small re-wording to make that a little clearer. I do like how it's written, so, my thought is to maybe take the first instance of Tower's mention...

Instead, a Tower stands in the nothingness, looming menacingly for all to see.

...and have "Tower" by it's lonesome, to indicate that that's the building's name, and the other instances can remain as they are?

*Edit: The end result of that suggestion would look something like...

CONTENT WARNING: This game contains strong language and violence. Player discretion is advised.

This is a fangame based on Mortis Ghost’s OFF. It is highly recommended that you play OFF first in order to get the most out of your experience.

Story:
After the world was purified by the Batter, the Space Apes have been busy devising a dastardly plan. All of the zones are gone. Instead, Tower stands in the nothingness, looming menacingly for all to see.

Play as Rien, a boxing superhero on a mission to destroy the Tower and save the world. You will both explore every floor of the Tower where dastardly demons and militant apes lie in wait. What is the purpose of this Tower? What happened to the survivors and the victims of the Batter’s crusade? And just where is the Batter anyway? Find out in this issue of Rupture!

Features:
-Meet new friends and old ones too!
-A brand new perspective with a unique art style to boot
-Music by the legendary Alias Conrad Coldwood
-Turn-based combo battle system
-Challenging yet fun enemies

...this, though I made a few additional, minor edits.
author=Marrend
Since it's a proper name, and is an original idea/location in this universe, I would suggest a small re-wording to make that a little clearer. I do like how it's written, so, my thought is to maybe take the first instance of Tower's mention...

Instead, a Tower stands in the nothingness, looming menacingly for all to see.


...and have "Tower" by it's lonesome, to indicate that that's the building's name, and the other instances can remain as they are?

*Edit: The end result of that suggestion would look something like...

CONTENT WARNING: This game contains strong language and violence. Player discretion is advised.

This is a fangame based on Mortis Ghost’s OFF. It is highly recommended that you play OFF first in order to get the most out of your experience.

Story:
After the world was purified by the Batter, the Space Apes have been busy devising a dastardly plan. All of the zones are gone. Instead, Tower stands in the nothingness, looming menacingly for all to see.

Play as Rien, a boxing superhero on a mission to destroy the Tower and save the world. You will both explore every floor of the Tower where dastardly demons and militant apes lie in wait. What is the purpose of this Tower? What happened to the survivors and the victims of the Batter’s crusade? And just where is the Batter anyway? Find out in this issue of Rupture!

Features:
-Meet new friends and old ones too!
-A brand new perspective with a unique art style to boot
-Music by the legendary Alias Conrad Coldwood
-Turn-based combo battle system
-Challenging yet fun enemies


...this, though I made a few additional, minor edits.


Thank you so much for your advice ^^
This certainly makes it clearer.
Been rejected 2 times and i changed the story as much as i can i don't want to reveal to much please help




Description:
Officer Ethan was called back home where he didn't return for few years to attend an party. His father's murder causes him to question his family's dark history. There's also some seemingly supernatural things that he can't explain. he starts trying uncover the secret his family trying to hide. Can he find the one that killed his father. And who is the mystery person pulling the strings behind the scenes.Play to find out

This game contains some strong themes like domestic violence, murder and sexual assault. Please play this game at your own pace and don't puss yourself.

This game will contain 7 chapters
Multiple endings
Engaging storyline

Reason for rejection: Still needs a paragraph on gameplay. First paragraph could do with some proofreading.