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Can someone help me proofread this? Because my gamepage is denied several times xD (my english is not good, definitely). So here goes...

-begin
There was an old castle used by the Leargant Tribe's Sultan as a hideout during the cold world war and it was still standing up to this very moment. Previously used as a torture chamber and as a place where execution was often held, dangerous lost souls with unknown origin stalk the dark corridor of the ancient building, constantly feeding from the depression and hatred that the palace stored.

Townsfolk even witnessed dozens of bizarre phenomenon happening every night, all of them concerning the Residence such as loud crying and screaming can be heard from it. Tons of effort were done to uncover the dark secret of the place. Still, no one managed to get a single evidence and live to tell the tale.

When the townsfolk finally gave up their effort to solve the mystery, they decided to name the old palace as the Residence Of Hell, as they knew, those who land a foot on it will soon know the true definition of 'hell'.
-end

Btw, im sorry for necroposting.. i just dont know anywhere else that i can ask for this.
Thank you.
LockeZ
I'd really like to get rid of LockeZ. His play style is way too unpredictable. He's always like this too. If he ran a country, he'd just kill and imprison people at random until crime stopped.
5958
This is actually pretty good. Your English had a few mistakes, but the description still hooked me.

There was an old castle used by the Leargant Tribe's Sultan as a hideout during the cold world war, and it is still standing to this very day. Previously used as a torture chamber and as a place where execution was often held, dangerous lost souls of unknown origin stalk the dark corridors of the ancient building, constantly feeding on the depression and hatred that the palace stored.

Townsfolk have even witnessed dozens of bizarre phenomena happening every night, all of them involving the castle, such as loud crying and screaming that can be heard coming from it. Tons of effort was put into uncovering the dark secret of the place. Still, no one managed to get a single piece of evidence and live to tell the tale.

When the townsfolk finally gave up on their attempts to solve the mystery, they decided to name the old castle the Residence of Hell, as they knew, those who step a foot on it will soon know the true definition of 'hell.'


However, the main problem probably isn't your grammar. It's that you only describe the story, and not the gameplay. Unless this is a visual novel, people are going to want to know a lot more about what they'll be doing.
Thanks for the reply. I think what you said is right...
Well, here is the gameplay section that i've created.
-begin
Press Arrow Keys to move around,
ESC to open menu,
Space to Interact.
Press '1' to switch weapon.
Press A+F to attack using equipped weapon.
The game require player to piece the storyline by reading through notes, solving puzzles and encountering dark, mysterious and suspicious strangers. While doing all of this, there will be tons of demonic entity which will try to pursue the you relentlessly, waiting for you to make a mistakes. Items such as Medkits and Painkiller Pills scattered around the palace will prove valuable to you once you are confronted with these entities.
-end
LockeZ
I'd really like to get rid of LockeZ. His play style is way too unpredictable. He's always like this too. If he ran a country, he'd just kill and imprison people at random until crime stopped.
5958
Grammar fixed again:

The game requires the player to piece the storyline together by reading through notes, solving puzzles and encountering dark, mysterious and suspicious strangers. While doing all of this, there will be numerous demonic entities which will try to pursue the you relentlessly, waiting for you to make a mistake. Items such as Medkits and Painkiller Pills scattered around the palace will prove valuable to you once you are confronted with these entities.


Changed "tons of" to "numerous" because it's really casual sounding. It's something the hero might say, but it's not something you would say in the description.
@Calvin:
There was an old castle used by the Leargant Tribe's Sultan as a hideout during the cold world war, and it is still standing to this very day. Previously used as a torture chamber and as a place where execution was often held, dangerous lost souls of unknown origin stalk the dark corridors of the ancient building, constantly feeding on the depression and hatred that the palace stored.

Townsfolk have even witnessed dozens of bizarre phenomena happening every night, all of them involving the castle, such as loud crying and screaming that can be heard coming from it. Tons of effort was put into uncovering the dark secret of the place. Still, no one managed to get a single piece of evidence and live to tell the tale.

When the townsfolk finally gave up on their attempts to solve the mystery, they decided to name the old castle the Residence of Hell, as they knew, those who step a foot on it will soon know the true definition of 'hell.'



There's a few run-on sentences that I'd recommend cutting in half and rewording. (Red Text)
I'd suggest something like:
There are tales of an ancient castle used by the Leargant Tribe's Sultan as a hideout during the cold world war, still standing to this very day. Previously used as a place of torture and execution, dangerous souls of unknown origin are said to stalk its dark corridors, feeding on the depression and hatred stored there-in.

Townsfolk have even witnessed many bizarre phenomena - loud crying and screams - coming from the castle during the night. Much effort was put into uncovering the dark secret of the place, yet there has been no evidence provided as those who entered never left to tell of what they witnessed with-in those dark and dismal walls.

When the townsfolk finally gave up on their attempts to solve the mystery they chose to rename the old castle the Residence of Hell, as they know that those who step foot inside will soon understand the true definition of 'hell.'


I was a bit flexible with description, but that should work better.
Hey guys, i just found out my submission was denied and the reason was "Grammar and Punctuation". Could someone please help me see where i went wrong?, thanks :)

"In the 5th era of Terria, a simple thief recieves a powerful machine known as the T.A.R.D.I.S, from then forth, his life changes as he explores the universe battling formidable foes and gaining powerful allies.

The game features a relationship system, a FULL time travel system, the player can travel to many time eras at will, buy or create pets, create planets and many more.

Because the game is intended to be massive, the status will remain "Production", for quite some time until i feel it is finally completed. "
author=hudyman
"In the 5th era of Terria, a simple thief recieves a powerful machine known as the T.A.R.D.I.S, from then forth, his life changes as he explores the universe battling formidable foes and gaining powerful allies.

The game features a relationship system, a FULL time travel system, the player can travel to many time eras at will, buy or create pets, create planets and many more.

Because the game is intended to be massive, the status will remain "Production", for quite some time until i feel it is finally completed. "

In the 5th era of Terria, a simple thief receives a powerful machine known as the T.A.R.D.I.S. From then on his life changes as he explores the universe, battling formidable foes and gaining powerful allies.

The game features:-
- A relationship system
- A FULL time travel system
- The ability buy or create pets
- Planet creation and much more.

Because the game is intended to be massive, the status will remain "Production" for quite some time until I feel it is finally completed.

- Received was spelt wrong
- 'Forth' sounds a bit too pretentious
- Some punctuation issues - mainly commas, capitalisation and periods
- Better to use a list for features
- " a FULL time travel system, the player can travel to many time eras at will," is basically just saying the same thing twice
- The last part is generally a given for an in-production project. You're able to switch a project to complete at any time.
- Maybe add a little more about the story itself? Does he meet any companions? What kind of person is he? We don't get much about him or the story from the description. Is there evil afoot? Remember there's a 500 letter limit, so...

Hope that helps a bit! Oh, and don't fret if a game is denied. Just fix the issue and then resubmit - not an issue~ Good luck!
author=LockeZ
Grammar fixed again:

The game requires the player to piece the storyline together by reading through notes, solving puzzles and encountering dark, mysterious and suspicious strangers. While doing all of this, there will be numerous demonic entities which will try to pursue the you relentlessly, waiting for you to make a mistake. Items such as Medkits and Painkiller Pills scattered around the palace will prove valuable to you once you are confronted with these entities.


Changed "tons of" to "numerous" because it's really casual sounding. It's something the hero might say, but it's not something you would say in the description.


author=Liberty
@Calvin:
There was an old castle used by the Leargant Tribe's Sultan as a hideout during the cold world war, and it is still standing to this very day. Previously used as a torture chamber and as a place where execution was often held, dangerous lost souls of unknown origin stalk the dark corridors of the ancient building, constantly feeding on the depression and hatred that the palace stored.

Townsfolk have even witnessed dozens of bizarre phenomena happening every night, all of them involving the castle, such as loud crying and screaming that can be heard coming from it. Tons of effort was put into uncovering the dark secret of the place. Still, no one managed to get a single piece of evidence and live to tell the tale.

When the townsfolk finally gave up on their attempts to solve the mystery, they decided to name the old castle the Residence of Hell, as they knew, those who step a foot on it will soon know the true definition of 'hell.'



There's a few run-on sentences that I'd recommend cutting in half and rewording. (Red Text)
I'd suggest something like:
There are tales of an ancient castle used by the Leargant Tribe's Sultan as a hideout during the cold world war, still standing to this very day. Previously used as a place of torture and execution, dangerous souls of unknown origin are said to stalk its dark corridors, feeding on the depression and hatred stored there-in.

Townsfolk have even witnessed many bizarre phenomena - loud crying and screams - coming from the castle during the night. Much effort was put into uncovering the dark secret of the place, yet there has been no evidence provided as those who entered never left to tell of what they witnessed with-in those dark and dismal walls.

When the townsfolk finally gave up on their attempts to solve the mystery they chose to rename the old castle the Residence of Hell, as they know that those who step foot inside will soon understand the true definition of 'hell.'


I was a bit flexible with description, but that should work better.


Thanks to both of you XD! Really appreciate it! ;)
Hi people I suck at grammar and spelling and need help as my game keeps getting rejected for spelling and grammar.
Now spelling is fine(I have Google chrome for that)
but grammar is something I'm not great at.
Also the name Fishbate is spelled wrong on purpose, My surname is Bate.
I did point that out in one of my attempts.
Anyway here its is so far(Its been edited and chopped so much I can't remember what it started like anymore)

A simple, short, platform game, about a worm called - Fishbate. Who comes home one day to find his girlfriend kidnapped, with only a note left in her place. He must now venture across the land, to save her.
The game was created with the RPGToolkit. It is not a side-scrolling game, due to engine limitations. Instead, as Fishbate approaches the end of one area, makes contact with the screen's edge - the following area is loaded, and Fishbate's adventure continues!
Programming by Grindalf
Graphics and Music by Lotus
A short and simple summary, but a few sentences could be better joined together and some unnecessary punctuation culled etc. How does this look?

A simple, short platform game about a worm called Fishbate, who comes home one day to find his girl(worm)friend kidnapped, with only a note left in her place. He must now venture across the land to save her!

This game was created with the RPG-Toolkit. It is not a side-scrolling game due to the engine's limitations. Instead, as Fishbate approaches the end of an area and touches the screen's edge, the following area is loaded, and Fishbate's grand adventure continues!

Programming by Grindalf
Graphics and Music by Lotus
author=Liberty
author=hudyman
"In the 5th era of Terria, a simple thief recieves a powerful machine known as the T.A.R.D.I.S, from then forth, his life changes as he explores the universe battling formidable foes and gaining powerful allies.

The game features a relationship system, a FULL time travel system, the player can travel to many time eras at will, buy or create pets, create planets and many more.

Because the game is intended to be massive, the status will remain "Production", for quite some time until i feel it is finally completed. "
In the 5th era of Terria, a simple thief receives a powerful machine known as the T.A.R.D.I.S. From then on his life changes as he explores the universe, battling formidable foes and gaining powerful allies.

The game features:-
- A relationship system
- A FULL time travel system
- The ability buy or create pets
- Planet creation and much more.

Because the game is intended to be massive, the status will remain "Production" for quite some time until I feel it is finally completed.


- Received was spelt wrong
- 'Forth' sounds a bit too pretentious
- Some punctuation issues - mainly commas, capitalisation and periods
- Better to use a list for features
- " a FULL time travel system, the player can travel to many time eras at will," is basically just saying the same thing twice
- The last part is generally a given for an in-production project. You're able to switch a project to complete at any time.
- Maybe add a little more about the story itself? Does he meet any companions? What kind of person is he? We don't get much about him or the story from the description. Is there evil afoot? Remember there's a 500 letter limit, so...

Hope that helps a bit! Oh, and don't fret if a game is denied. Just fix the issue and then resubmit - not an issue~ Good luck!


Thank you so much for replying :), i have made the following changes
Do you think you could look at this before i post it and resubmit?, thanks :)

"In the 5th era of Terria, the world is on the verge of a massive world war. After the defeat on planet earth the Terrians were left with no choice but to withdraw to their original planet and be ruled by a human king who wishes to enslave all of Terria and use the planet as prison for ungodly creatures. However a small group known as the "VFT" (Vengence For Terria) plot to wage a war on the king in the hope of winning back Terria. Their plan has been perfected to the very end, they see all that happens in Terria.....
........If only that were enough.

The game features:-
- A relationship system
- A FULL time travel system
- The ability buy or create pets
- The ability to create devices
- Planet creation and much more."
CashmereCat
Self-proclaimed Puzzle Snob
11638
I made a few small edits to make it flow better. Hopefully.

In the 5th Era of Terria, the planet is on the verge of a massive world war. After the defeat on Planet Earth, the Terrians were left with no choice but to withdraw to their original planet. There, a human king wishes to enslave all of Terria and use the planet as a prison for ungodly creatures. However, a small group known as the "VFT" (Vengeance For Terria) plot to wage a war on the king in the hope of winning their world back. Their plan has been planned to perfection, and they see all that happens in Terria...

...if only that were enough.

The game features:
  • A relationship system
  • A FULL time travel system
  • The ability to buy or create pets
  • The ability to create devices
  • Planet creation, and much more!
Absolutely perfect!, thank you so much :D
author=CashmereCat
I made a few small edits to make it flow better. Hopefully.

In the 5th Era of Terria, the planet is on the verge of a massive world war. After the defeat on Planet Earth, the Terrians were left with no choice but to withdraw to their original planet. There, a human king wishes to enslave all of Terria and use the planet as a prison for ungodly creatures. However, a small group known as the "VFT" (Vengeance For Terria) plot to wage a war on the king in the hope of winning their world back. Their plan has been planned to perfection, and they see all that happens in Terria...

...if only that were enough.

The game features:
  • A relationship system

  • A FULL time travel system

  • The ability to buy or create pets

  • The ability to create devices

  • Planet creation, and much more!
author=synbi
A short and simple summary, but a few sentences could be better joined together and some unnecessary punctuation culled etc. How does this look?

A simple, short platform game about a worm called Fishbate, who comes home one day to find his girl(worm)friend kidnapped, with only a note left in her place. He must now venture across the land to save her!

This game was created with the RPG-Toolkit. It is not a side-scrolling game due to the engine's limitations. Instead, as Fishbate approaches the end of an area and touches the screen's edge, the following area is loaded, and Fishbate's grand adventure continues!

Programming by Grindalf
Graphics and Music by Lotus


Thanks :D
Hi guys :) my game got denied because of my grammar, spelling or punctuation, so I was referred to this thread. Can you help me too? :( To be honest, I can't really tell what is wrong with it. I'm pretty bad at this.

This is the link to my game: http://rpgmaker.net/games/6336/

These are all the text I included in my game profile:
Mirror Mirror is a story based horror game with few and easy puzzles
Estimated playtime is 30-50 minutes

Shio Drevers is in his first year of high school,but ever since the
start of his freshman year, sudden disappearances and mysterious cases
of deaths and accidents have been happening in his school. Fortunately,
Shio has been spared of these unfortunate events, but how long will
his luck last...

"Set your hopes on a butterfly and it will fly away.
Set your hopes on a flower and it might wilt someday.
Keep your hopes to yourself and it will stay.
Let no one know, and no one will take it away."
CashmereCat
Self-proclaimed Puzzle Snob
11638
Mirror Mirroris a story-based horror game with a very few easy puzzles.
Estimated playtime is 30-50 minutes.

Shio Drevers is in his first year of high school, but ever since the
start of his freshman year, sudden disappearances and mysterious cases
of deaths and accidents have been happening in his school. Fortunately,
Shio has been spared of these unfortunate events. But how long will
his luck last...?

"Set your hopes on a butterfly, and it will fly away.
Set your hopes on a flower, and it might wilt someday.
Keep your hopes to yourself, and it will stay.
Let no one know, and no one will take it away."

I couldn't actually find that many grammar/spelling errors. You should ask Solitayre what exactly needed mending because most of that was absolutely fine.

Edit: The only problem I can think of is that it's not that long.
hmm okay then :) i'll probably add some game features then resubmit it. thank you :)
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
Well, I've got a few fixes! Maybe not much, but...

Mirror Mirror is a story-based horror game with a few puzzles. Hopefully, on the "easy" side of the spectrum. The aim is to have anywhere between 30-50 minutes of play-time.

Story
Shio Drevers is in his first year of high school, but, ever since he started, weird occurrences have happened. Such as sudden disappearances, mysterious deaths, and/or accidents. Shio has been spared these unfortunate events, but how long will his luck last?

Set your hopes on a butterfly and it will fly away.
Set your hopes on a flower and it might wilt someday.
Keep your hopes to yourself and it will stay.
Let no one know, and no one will take it away.



*Edit: Don't we already have a game called Mirror Mirror? Apparently not.
Shadows is a Sci Fi adventure game about a lost man with a dark and tragic past. Do to an incident that drove him out of his mind. Dugan finds himself in a Crazy world surrounded by danger and mystery. A world he feels he must burn! Until he meets a young girl by the name of Karla Nelson. Who softens his black heart and gives Dugan a new meaning to his life


The Demo is just the first level of the game. As i'm still working on the rest.

I have worked hard on making this a family friendly game. Although the story line can be dark and tragic given Dugan was driven to insanity by it

In this Demo. Dugan is at his lowest point. And attacks a nation that he believes to have connections with his past. On his way to the reactor. He meets a prisoner named Karla nelson who pleads with Dugan to free her. Dugan refuses at first. But after watching Karla get interrogated by the Guards. He intervenes and saves Karla. Who becomes his first party member

The demo ends after the final boss. But now. Dugan has regained his sanity and after defeating the 1st boss. Him and Karla go on a quest to recover his forgotten past

:Other Notes: This game is only the first level of what is to come. About 30 Minuets of game play.