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Hello there, anyone can check out my description.

author=Mercia
This project appeared from my necessity to better understand how to use variables, and I tried to make my own graphics that, even that it not to be very good, made ​​me feel very happy to see the result. =]

The protagonist of this game wakes up without knowing who him is or what was doing, then he meet a girl that affirm know him and says that will help him recover the memory. Both go in search how to recover the memory, but some things happen with they that can or not prevent it.

The game features three different endings depending of your choices and your curiosity, also some puzzles in same, I hope you enjoy.


Where I did wrong? I need help. ;-;
I guess my english sucks. x_x
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
It's not much to go on, Mercia, but, this is the kind of thing I would do with that description:

He awakens with no memory of anything. Not even his name. Lost, and confused, he runs across a woman who seems to have some idea who he is. Together, they go on a journey to piece together who he is, and what happened to him.

Personal aside
This game is more about me fiddling around to better understand the use of variables, and to practice my graphical art. I'd like to have players get multiple endings based on choices they make, and execute a few puzzles too.


author=Mercia
This project appeared from started with my necessity to better understand how to use variables, and I tried to make my own graphics that, even that it not to be though they may not be very good, made ​​me feel very happy to see the result. =]

The protagonist of this game wakes up without knowing who him he is or what he was doing,. tThen he meets a girl that affirm claims to know him and says that she will help him recover thehis memoryies. Both go in search of how to recover thehis memory, but some things happen with they that can or not prevent it.

The game features some puzzles and three different endings depending ofon your choices and your curiosity, also some puzzles in same,. I hope you enjoy it.


I tried to correct your English while keeping it as true to the original as I could. Sorry, but the part I underlined I wasn't exactly sure what you meant.
I made a few adjustments with your suggestions.

author=Mercia
This project started with my necessity to better understand how to use variables, and I tried to make my own graphics that, even though they may not be very good, made ​​me feel very happy to see the result. =]

He awakens with no memory of anything. Not even his name. Then he meets a girl that claims to know him and says that she will help him recover his memories. Together, they go on a journey to piece together who he is, and what happened to him.

The game features some puzzles and three different endings depending on your choices and your curiosity. I hope you enjoy it.


I guess that's all right now, haha. Thanks Marrend and Rod_Wadd! ^_^
Hey all. I have changed my game description sens my last post 6 days ago. But I still need some help. Mostly with "punctuation" and grammar. I'm close. But I still got to fix some things. Any tips? Here is what I got so far.

" Era. A land full of mystery and Adventure. Now stands threatened by a race of super solders known as Shadows! Infused with radioactive power. The shadows are nearly unstoppable in battle. And whiten time. Devastate most of the land that once thrived.

Yore main character in this game is Dugan. A fallen Shadow who truly feels the world must be destroyed if humanity is ever to have peace! However, after befriending a young girl by the name of Karla Nelson. Dugans Black heart slowly softens. And after discovering the truth about Karla's own past. Dugan gives up on his evil ways and fights beside Karla to save the grate land of Era from his ancestors clutches!

The game is still in the making. The first level of the game is complete. And the 2nd is almost done. The story will change depending on what choices you make threw out the game.

I will update everyone when a new chapter is added."


Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
@ProjectKyle100: I'm thinking...

Era, a land full of mystery and adventure, now stands threatened by a race of super solders known as Shadows. Infused with radioactive power, the Shadows are nearly unstoppable in battle! Within time, they will devastate most of the land that once thrived.

Your main character in this game is Dugan, a fallen Shadow who feels the world must be destroyed if humanity is ever to have peace. However, after befriending a young girl by the name of Karla Nelson, Dugan's black heart slowly softens. After discovering the truth about Karla's own past, Dugan gives up on his evil ways and fights beside Karla to save the great land of Era from his ancestor's clutches.

The first level of the game is complete, with the second in the works. The eventual intent is for the story to change depending on what choices players make throughout the game.


...that.
yeah... let's try to do this:

Go around, fight, collect, and synthesize Tricron, while defeating other Summoners and the 12 Champions in the 10th Annual Tricon International Tournament. The Summoners give out bits (currency) and other items, while the Champions give out rare Tricons, special moves, exclusive catalysts (the devices used to contain Tricon) with special abilities attached (stat boosts, gradual healing, special moves, etc.). While the tournament is going on, it's largest sponsor, Amethyst Industrials, seems to have send out a large number of vague, yet menacing, agents to search for something that was lost.
Something I want to do is have the player be able to fight the Champions in the order they choose, with the Champions difficulty (and rewards) scaling with them.
The last 4 champions will not have an associated dungeon with them, as they will all be at a grand arena, meaning that you would also loose out on any items, money, and experience that you would have got facing them.

So yeah, it's a bit muddled right now, but it gets the general idea across...right?
@ThatManOverThere: Your description describes the core mechanics of the game, but I'm not sure it describes much else about the story, features, plot and other elements in a sufficiently succinct manner. Plus, it has some grammar and spelling mistakes. For instance: what are Tricon? Who are the Summoners? Who are the Champions? I know that Summoners give out bits and items, but why would they? Champions give out rare Tricons why? Why did Amethyst Industrials sponsor the games? What are the dungeons you talk about? Why does this all happen? It's all very confusing, and no, it doesn't get the general idea across. But you can if you explain more.

I'll post my personal amended version of the current description, but I implore you to also include information about the characters, plotline, and other background miscellanea to fill people in on what's going on in that grand mind of yours.

author=ThatManOverThere
Explore the 10th Annual Tricon International Tournament, fighting, collecting, and synthesizing your own Tricon, in order to defeat other Summoners and eventually the 12 Champions. Summoners give out bits (currency) and other items, while Champions give out rare Tricons, special moves, exclusive catalysts (devices used to contain Tricon) with special abilities attached (stat boosts, gradual healing, special moves, etc.). While the tournament goes on, its largest sponsor, Amethyst Industrials, seems to have sent out large numbers of vague, yet menacing, agents to search for something lost.
The player is able to fight the Champions in the order they choose, with the Champions' difficulty (and rewards) scaling with them.
The last 4 champions do not have a dungeon associated with them, as they are all at the grand arena, meaning that you also lose out on any items, money, or experience that you might have received prior to facing them.


I don't think you should talk about what you plan to do, but rather what you have already planned for the game. We need more information about the world, the Champions (who they even are), and we need less specifics about gameplay, because that will be stuff that you reveal in-game rather than on your gamepage.
author=Loser
@ThatManOverThere: Your description describes the core mechanics of the game, but I'm not sure it describes much else about the story, features, plot and other elements in a sufficiently succinct manner. Plus, it has some grammar and spelling mistakes. For instance: what are Tricon? Who are the Summoners? Who are the Champions? I know that Summoners give out bits and items, but why would they? Champions give out rare Tricons why? Why did Amethyst Industrials sponsor the games? What are the dungeons you talk about? Why does this all happen? It's all very confusing, and no, it doesn't get the general idea across. But you can if you explain more.

I'll post my personal amended version of the current description, but I implore you to also include information about the characters, plotline, and other background miscellanea to fill people in on what's going on in that grand mind of yours.

author=ThatManOverThere
Explore the 10th Annual Tricon International Tournament, fighting, collecting, and synthesizing your own Tricon, in order to defeat other Summoners and eventually the 12 Champions. Summoners give out bits (currency) and other items, while Champions give out rare Tricons, special moves, exclusive catalysts (devices used to contain Tricon) with special abilities attached (stat boosts, gradual healing, special moves, etc.). While the tournament goes on, its largest sponsor, Amethyst Industrials, seems to have sent out large numbers of vague, yet menacing, agents to search for something lost.
The player is able to fight the Champions in the order they choose, with the Champions' difficulty (and rewards) scaling with them.
The last 4 champions do not have a dungeon associated with them, as they are all at the grand arena, meaning that you also lose out on any items, money, or experience that you might have received prior to facing them.

I don't think you should talk about what you plan to do, but rather what you have already planned for the game. We need more information about the world, the Champions (who they even are), and we need less specifics about gameplay, because that will be stuff that you reveal in-game rather than on your gamepage.
Ok, I knew there were problems, and that it wasn't good, but not that bad...
Is this better:
Thirteen years ago, Amethyst Industrials released the first of the Catalysts, special crystals which are capable of storing and displaying the information of their newest product aimed towards encouraging face-to-face interaction and competition between users: Tricons. With a heavy emphasis on magic, users were nicknamed Summoners. Within those intervening years, it quickly became one of the most popular phenomenons, resulting in the formation of an international league and numerous minor leagues. However, efforts to form a cohesive international tournament ended in disaster, when the first official league ended prematurely, with the results being permanently sealed. Now, after several years of silence, the international tournament has returned, with the former Champions from other main leagues being called upon to add legitimacy and challenge, while certain "incentives" and rewards convince them to participate. While most people can't afford the steep entrance fee (you included), a mysterious set of papers and colorless Catalyst seem to have earned you an entry.
can someone review my intro? I'm not the best at writing these type of things. I've used Tumblr as my sole base of operation and not used to the format of this site quite yet.


:edit:
"HOME is a non canonical spinoff/fan game made that takes place in the universe of OFF, Green-lighted and created with Mortis Ghosts permission. It takes place in a seemingly reset 'after the end' world, where the player is granted the Judge as their puppeteer. What seems like a simple task as leading the Judge through the zones soon turns into a drastically strange and altered world, with new locations and ideas explored. The story fans out slowly, being obscure and unclear from the start, as the player slowly grows custom to the new world and new characters they have been granted control of. New characters and enemies are introduced, with a combat system that's more threatening and challenging than OFF's style. HOME makes uses of the elements and status effect system and stretches is as far as possible. It's recommended you play Mortis Ghosts "OFF" before you touch this project, as this game and its entirety is connected and continued after OFF. Playing HOME without first playing OFF will not only lead to spoilers but will lead you to a path of confusion and detachment from the entire world.



The game features custom sprites, music, icons, sound effects, and battle animations. It uses as much fresh resources where and whenever possible.

The current Demo ends in Pure Zone 1.
Completed so far
Zone 1
Zone 2
Zone 3
Zone 4
Pure Zone 1"

Here is what I have now.
@Marrend Thank you! That helped a lot. Ill work on it some more :)
First OFF, that's cool that you did that.
Second, since I'm not all that good, try this
author=TheJudge
"HOME is a non canonical spinoff/fan game made that takes place in the universe of OFF, Green-lighted and created with Mortis Ghosts permission. It takes place in a seemingly reset after the end world, where the player is granted the Judge as their puppeteer. What seems like a simple task as leading the Judge through the zones soon turns into a drastically strange and altered world, with new locations and ideas explored. The story fans out slowly, being obscure and unclear from the start, as the player slowly grows custom to the new world and new characters they have been granted control of.

The game features custom sprites, music, icons, sound effects, and battle animations. It uses as much fresh resources where and whenever possible.
author=ThatManOverThere
First OFF, that's cool that you did that.
Second, since I'm not all that good, try this
author=TheJudge
"HOME is a non canonical spinoff/fan game made that takes place in the universe of OFF, Green-lighted and created with Mortis Ghosts permission. It takes place in a seemingly reset after the end world, where the player is granted the Judge as their puppeteer. What seems like a simple task as leading the Judge through the zones soon turns into a drastically strange and altered world, with new locations and ideas explored. The story fans out slowly, being obscure and unclear from the start, as the player slowly grows custom to the new world and new characters they have been granted control of.

The game features custom sprites, music, icons, sound effects, and battle animations. It uses as much fresh resources where and whenever possible.

What was changed from this and the current version? I'm not noticing any differences.
The description comes off as really, really passive. You're basically telling us what the player will do instead of focussing on the story. Instead of expounding on it being a fangame of OFF and expecting the player to know what you mean by that, try talking about the character and the reason for their journey instead. That is, a summary of what will happen in the game.

It's the difference between saying: In this game you are made to play as this person in a world that is different to the last world of the game.
and
Jack is lost in a forest of no return after an unfortunate accident during his Honeymoon. With no knowledge of how he got there or how to leave, and his new wife missing, he must find a way to survive the harsh environs and make his way back to civilisation.

Then after that put a line or two about how you got permission from the creator to make a game based on his. It's a lot more interesting if you give the players something to look forward to instead of basically just saying "Look, this is a fangame of other game so you should play it if you liked other game". It doesn't give your game an identity outside of being a fangame, and really, you should aim to put forth your game as something different, even if it draws from the same world/characters/universe/etc of another game.
author=TheJudge
author=ThatManOverThere
First OFF, that's cool that you did that.
Second, since I'm not all that good, try this
author=TheJudge
"HOME is a non canonical spinoff/fan game made that takes place in the universe of OFF, Green-lighted and created with Mortis Ghosts permission. It takes place in a seemingly reset after the end world, where the player is granted the Judge as their puppeteer. What seems like a simple task as leading the Judge through the zones soon turns into a drastically strange and altered world, with new locations and ideas explored. The story fans out slowly, being obscure and unclear from the start, as the player slowly grows custom to the new world and new characters they have been granted control of.

The game features custom sprites, music, icons, sound effects, and battle animations. It uses as much fresh resources where and whenever possible.
What was alerted from this and the current version? I'm not noticing any differences.
I cut out some of the redundancy (which you did anyway...), and the extra line was left on accident. To be honest, I don't see any real trouble with it, but then again, my descriptions aren't exactly decent.
However, I know people who are fans of OFF (and like it myself), so I was just more exited to meet someone who was working on something related to it. Sorry.
Edit:
Yeah, Liberty sums it up much better than I do...
Feedback, please!

Denied description:

Because it is a fan game based on the Star Wars universe, a basic understanding of the first films of the series (Episode IV , V and VI) is necessary. The suggestion is to watch these movies or looking for a "summary of the opera" before playing; otherwise I would have to plan the whole context in which the game is based - something that would be boring , exhausting and possibly not reach the goal (here goes the rule of "a picture is worth a thousand words").

Nevertheless , my proposal is not just a game for fans , but also for those who think Star Wars cool (or kinda cool) , and to enjoy and understand the story unfolds without having deep knowledge about the movies.

Another proposal is to develop a story that does not get in schema " good vs. evil " , and maybe what was produced can be considered a bit heavy - considering the dialogues, the characters' personalities and the ambiance (underworld).

There will be no wise and no altruistic teachers in game or princesses to be saved, no cliche novels or any stereotype of purity and innocence - is just the opposite.

The title is set five years after the events of Episode VI . Unlike what many often imagine, the war did not end with the destruction of the second Death Star. Remnants of Empire still threaten peace and freedom in the galaxy , while the New Republic desperately struggles to settle permanently.

In addition to leadership disputes and suspicions of treason, a shortage of ships and pilots aggraving the republican difficulties to consolidate his rule, the urgent need leads they to a desperate effort to acquire ships and pilots, including negotiation with smugglers.

In this chaotic universally scene, you will control a trio of mercenaries who call themselves Corellian Intergalactic Mercenary Force (CIMF) . The group consists of characters with their own distinct characteristics and abilities.

After being contacted by Han Solo, the group are caught in the middle of political intrigue and an unprecedented battle that will define the future of the galaxy .

Star Wars - Ties of the Deceit is still in development , and the current version of the game is only a small demonstration of what will be offer in the full edition . It is possible to know a quick introduction to the history of the game and some of its battle system, graphics and plot, which follows the same style of traditional 16bits RPGs.


author=Liberty
The description comes off as really, really passive. You're basically telling us what the player will do instead of focussing on the story. Instead of expounding on it being a fangame of OFF and expecting the player to know what you mean by that, try talking about the character and the reason for their journey instead. That is, a summary of what will happen in the game.

It's the difference between saying: In this game you are made to play as this person in a world that is different to the last world of the game.
and
Jack is lost in a forest of no return after an unfortunate accident during his Honeymoon. With no knowledge of how he got there or how to leave, and his new wife missing, he must find a way to survive the harsh environs and make his way back to civilisation.

Then after that put a line or two about how you got permission from the creator to make a game based on his. It's a lot more interesting if you give the players something to look forward to instead of basically just saying "Look, this is a fangame of other game so you should play it if you liked other game". It doesn't give your game an identity outside of being a fangame, and really, you should aim to put forth your game as something different, even if it draws from the same world/characters/universe/etc of another game.

Home itself does separate itself from the world of OFF. I just don't know how to write a description without spoiling the characters and the world around it.
"HOME is a non canonical spinoff/fan game made that takes place in the universe of OFF, Green-lighted and created with Mortis Ghosts permission. The story stars off with our puppet, The Judge. Upon being woken up from his slumber, our friend is noted of his position as puppet and the player is given insurrections on how to control their new pet. After that happens, our previous hero ,the batter, makes his appearance into Zone 0 and our quest across the zones begins. Soon shortly, the Judge is given a warning notice. The lands are to crumble before his very eyes, and that he is either to sit around and let it happen, or take matters into his own paws. Not being the passive type, our puppet takes up the task to travel across the zones to hopefully prevent their destined destruction.

Within HOME. New characters and enemies are introduced, with a combat system that's more threatening and challenging than OFF's style. HOME makes uses of the elements and status effect system and stretches is as far as possible. It's recommended you play Mortis Ghosts "OFF" before you touch this project, as this game and its entirety is connected and continued after OFF. Playing HOME without first playing OFF will not only lead to spoilers but will lead you to a path of confusion and detachment from the entire world." Does this sound better? :D
Hm, how about something like:
"
The Judge wakens from his slumber to find that the lands around him are crumbling before his very eyes. Not being one to just let things happen, he takes the future of the world into his own paws and, joined by a familiar face from the past, sets out to save the zones from their destined destruction.

HOME is a non-canonical fangame of OFF, a game created by Mortis Ghosts. With his permission I make use of the elements and systems of the original game and set out to create a more challenging game set in the same world.

It's highly recommended that you play the original game, OFF, before HOME as a lot of the story and lore will only make sense after experiencing the original.
"

This sets up the story well enough that it leaves a bit of mystery but gives the overall summary as to who, what, where and why. It reads a lot better too, and gives the same information without spoiling too much. It also takes away the meta - that is, instead of focussing on what the player is doing to the game or what eventing will occur, it focusses on the character and what they see instead. Hope that helps.
author=Liberty
Hm, how about something like:
"
The Judge wakens from his slumber to find that the lands around him are crumbling before his very eyes. Not being one to just let things happen, he takes the future of the world into his own paws and, joined by a familiar face from the past, sets out to save the zones from their destined destruction.

HOME is a non-canonical fangame of OFF, a game created by Mortis Ghosts. With his permission I make use of the elements and systems of the original game and set out to create a more challenging game set in the same world.

It's highly recommended that you play the original game, OFF, before HOME as a lot of the story and lore will only make sense after experiencing the original.
"

This sets up the story well enough that it leaves a bit of mystery but gives the overall summary as to who, what, where and why. It reads a lot better too, and gives the same information without spoiling too much. It also takes away the meta - that is, instead of focussing on what the player is doing to the game or what eventing will occur, it focusses on the character and what they see instead. Hope that helps.


I like it, though I do question if you've played OFF? The meta style of talking is very key to the game, with the characters talking to and addressing the player as a "puppeteer". The Judge and Zacharie both address your entered name in dialogue as they did in OFF.
That's not a big issue, though. A lot of games use self-input names. The Judge as a handler for an unnamed player should work well but if you'd prefer, how about this for the first part?

"
You awaken from your slumber to find that the lands around you are crumbling before your very eyes. Not being one to just let things happen, you take the future of the world into your own paws and, joined by a familiar face from the past, set out to save the zones from their destined destruction.
"