LET'S WORK ON YOUR GAME DESCRIPTIONS!

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Thanks Marrend. I tweaked it a bit and posted it and my submission was accepted. Appreciate the help.
Hi, Can you guys help me with my game description?
My game got denied because of that...
Thanks!

http://rpgmaker.net/games/8474/
@Kabir> We can't access your game page.
Just paste your description into a post here, so we can see it.

Edit: Marrend didn't get a reply :(
For all it's worth, here's a two-months-late one.
author=Marrend
Welcome to the commencement ceremony of Matsumori High's class of 2010! It is, admittedly, somewhat surreal to stand here before you like this. It has been a long road, these past few years. It has been a road filled with obstacles that were overcome. (1) Regardless of whither (2) these obstacles were curricular, extracurricular, or something not related to school at all, let us not forget the assistance of our friends, family, and faculty on overcoming those obstacles.

I suppose what I will miss most of all from leaving Matusmori High are the extracurricular activities. In my two years of (3) debate club, it seems I have built a reputation that will last long after this ceremony. To speak nothing of my stint as student council president, and the services rendered to the honorable, but sadly absent, principal Ogyu. From these sources, I have developed a method to use my instincts as a means of protection against harm.

Let us look to the future now, seeing the doors of possibility thrown wide by having spent our time here. However, let us not forget those that allowed those doors to be open to us. Nor the place where we met them. Let us never forget Matsumori High. Where it all began. (4)
(1)> It should flow more smoothly if you run them together. So like: "It has been a long road, these past few years; a road filled with obstacles overcome."

(2)> (whether)?

(3)> (member of)?

(4)> Same as in (1), so: "Let us never forget Matsumori High: where it all began."
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
@karins: Oh, right! I seem to recall being corrected on the whether/wither point elsewhere. My thought about your fourth point is that it could probably be turned into "two years as a member of the debate club" to make that flow a bit better.

Thanks for responding! Now to update that blog!
Okay everybody; here is my game description and it needs some polishing:

STAFF: (We are currently a total of 2 people in this independent group.)

Video-Game Developer/Mapper/Creator: Simon Daniel Larsson - My job is to create the world you are within. All the dialogues, pretty much anything that is related to the gameplay itself. Do you have Questions? These should be spoken to me. contact: sdlftw@hotmail.com

Music Composer: Josef Snabb - My job is to create the beautiful music that you hear in-game and almost all sound effects. Please contact Simon at the moment since I'm not done with the music.

This is the perfect game for RPG lovers worldwide!

You're lost, and noone can help you but yourself. What would you do?

Lost Memory is a unique game with many possibilities, surrounding a person who don't know himself very well. In order to do so he needs to gather his friends Zoey, Christian and Yasmin to prevent and fight against true evil of his world. Join the world now. Be blown away. Excellent original story from Swedish amateur videogame maker Simon Daniel Larsson.

Have you ever wondered how it would feel to be the saviour of the universe?

Please note: Updates and patches will from now on be uploaded once a week, depending on demand or input from us that we feel are neccessary. Mostly on weekends!

Music is written by the talented musician Josef Snabb! They are currently being written and the following are completed at the moment: All the other tracks that are not done by him were made by me but these will be removed in time. What I'm trying to say is that the music will be 100% done by Josef and not by me (Simon.)
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
I'm tempted to say to get rid of the "Staff" section at the beginning. Alternatively, if you have credits on a game description, they should probably be at the end. Maybe kinda like...

Have you ever wondered how it would feel to be the savior of the universe? Lost Memory is a unique game with many possibilities surrounding a person who doesn't know himself very well at the offset of the game. He learns through gathering his friends (Zoey, Christian, and Yasmin) and their fight to stop a true evil from awakening.

Credits
  • Simon Daniel Larsson
My job is to create the world you are within. All the dialogues, pretty much anything that is related to the gameplay itself. Do you have Questions? These should be sent to me. Contact: sdlftw@hotmail.com
  • Josef Snabb
My job is to create the beautiful music that you hear in-game and almost all sound effects. Please contact Simon at the moment since I'm not done with the music.

...this?

*Edit: I'm not sure if you're aware, but, RMN does provide a private message service. Also, you should be notified of any comments made on the page. I suppose the e-mail would indicate a preferred route of contact, though.
Uh, hi? I'm new here o_O
was about to submit the game, but the grammar just gets in my way. ._.a

Here's the desc :


'The war between races of Humans, Elves, Ogres, and an unknown forces of Ergardia had broken! Who shall get the absolute triumph for the country? Will you, as a human being, one of the 3 absolute best friends, can keep your simple promise after all that happened?'

character lists :
Raiken Jenova - The youngest one of the three. Yellow-haired male with no knowledge of fighting as he's living at the peaceful village until the 'Incident' changed his life...

Roseeta Alpha - The oldest one of the three. His hair's totally red as his armors, one of the warriors under the order of the Capital.

Joshua Eagle Eye - The middle one of the three. Blue-haired guy with an eye and skill of the Archer that (claim to be) 'never' misses his opponent.

Features :
- Multiple plots, endings, and stories.
- Simple, easy to interact system with the country.
- This story will ruin your feelings (if you're serious gamer.)
- The more you get pain, the stronger you are!
- (More to come as the development progress.)
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
Off the top of my head, I'd suggest something like...

The land of Ergardia is at war. The races of Men, Elves, and Ogres are all involved. Then, an unknown force arrives on the scene. Where did they come from? What do they want? Can three friends keep their simple promise, despite the war getting between them?

Short Bios
  • Raiken Jenova

The youngest of the three friends. A blonde-haired man with no desire to fight and lives is an otherwise peaceful village. Until one day...

  • Roseeta Alpha

The eldest of the three friends. A red-headed man that dons equally red armor, and a warrior for the capital city.

  • Joshua Eagle-Eye

The remaining of the three friends. A blue-haired archer whose nickname comes from his "never miss" claims.


...that, but, I feel there's a lot of context/information regarding these three friends and how they interact with the game. Like, is the story split between them, or does it focus on Raiken and go from there?
author=Marrend
Off the top of my head, I'd suggest something like...

The land of Ergardia is at war. The races of Men, Elves, and Ogres are all involved. Then, an unknown force arrives on the scene. Where did they come from? What do they want? Can three friends keep their simple promise, despite the war getting between them?

Short Bios
  • Raiken Jenova
The youngest of the three friends. A blonde-haired man with no desire to fight and lives is an otherwise peaceful village. Until one day...

  • Roseeta Alpha
The eldest of the three friends. A red-headed man that dons equally red armor, and a warrior for the capital city.

  • Joshua Eagle-Eye
The remaining of the three friends. A blue-haired archer whose nickname comes from his "never miss" claims.

...that, but, I feel there's a lot of context/information regarding these three friends and how they interact with the game. Like, is the story split between them, or does it focus on Raiken and go from there?

It's mostly focus on Raiken and his choices. But sometimes, there are some scenes which involved either Alpha or Josh's side of the storyline (as they all split up) and both of them are playable at that part of the story.
Hi everyone,

Like some of you my submission to my game(demo for now) have been denied.
It's said that my description need more work.

Enlish is not my first language, so I'm sure I have some mistakes to correct.

Can you please help me to improve the description page of my game RPG Fighter League?

http://rpgmaker.net/games/8427/

thank you all for your help!
@valray> Paste your game's descript on a post here. We can't access your gamepage until it's accepted.
Here the Infi about my game, sorry I know it's a big copy/paste. :(

Game Synopsis

In a world where everything is settled in a good fight. Every warrior wants to have a chance to enter the Fighter League. You follow Henry Forge, member of the great family Forge who is descendant from the legendary fighter who fought in the Leagues. He decide that this is the time to finish what his family have started decade ago and win all the leagues to have the chance to meet the Architect, creator of the Colosseum.

Everyone fight for his reason, but most of them are in the Fighter League to obtains Gold, Legendary weapons, Fans and Fame! Some have other reasons to fight: To avenge a friend, to find a mystic object, for love or just for the fun of the furious battle! The Architect is the mastermind behind the Fighter League and the Colosseum. He have both the intellect and the power to build all these different Leagues and the Hall of Champions where the fighters who have succeeded the test of entry meet and prepare themselves for the challenge of their life.

Fight, train and meet comrades on your way to the top leagues. An adventure where choosing and developing the right members of your team really matter to be victorious in battle!

Learn about the creation of the Fighter League and the Colosseum. Unfold the story about Henry and the member of the Forge family with encounter of great characters in a world where everything can be solved by fighting to death!

Gameplay

Form the best team of warriors and enter in the Fighter League to battle against the greatest monsters and fighters to become the new champion of the Coliseum! Fight and win all the Leagues to acquire Trophies to earn your place in the Playoffs. Each League made by the Architect features new challenges with new enemies, game mechanics, boss fight, rewards, secrets and characters to uncover.

Use strategies, great skills and magic to defeat your opponents in this homage to all classic RPG gameplay mechanics with new features from today. Only the strongest and wisest fighters can defeat all the Leagues.

Even if you win a League, return in it to master them and find new gameplay elements, encounters special rare enemies with great lots, find npc & merchants, new fans, hidden treasures and more to uncover all the secrets behind each Leagues.

A pleasure to play for fans of old school RPG with a fresh new twist!

CURRENT STATE OF THE GAME : DEMO - I'm still working hard on the final content, leagues & characters of the game. With your help and feedback I hope to create something great and fun for all fans of Classic RPG Fans. I update the build with more content and polish each week, so stay tuned!


Link to Demo Build of RPG Fighter League and a link to the dev blog that I will keep updated :
DEMO RPG Fighter League

RPG Fighter League Dev Blog

RPG Fighter League First Trailer

Features

In the Hall of Champions, proceed through the different league and fight monsters with your team to progress to the Top League made by the Architect.

RPG Active Time Battle (ATB) Fighting System with Rows to place your characters strategically in battle.
Fight in unique League to obtain Fans and Rewards to gain access to the Top Challenges made by the Architect.
Meet characters that will become your allies or enemies.
Fight great monsters and use strategy to overcome all the Leagues challenges and winning all the trophies.
Develop and learn skills with each of your characters.
Find great reward each time you finish a League.
(You can replay each league has many times has you want.)
Find all the Secrets inside the Fighter League. (NPC, Quest, Items, Story & etc.)
Find and use all the Weapons, Armors, Shattered Stones, Scrolls, Skills Boosters and other items to increase and develop the stats of your team to unimaginable level!
Play in some mini games (Switch League and the Golden Bat Chase) and more to come to keep the gameplay experience fresh.
Gain some Fans when you progress in the Leagues.
With your fans, you can have access to some specials Fans Stats Boosters to give you a strategic edge over the challenge you will encounter in the Leagues. More Fans = More possibilities for your team.
And much more!


Have fun in this charming fighting universe around RPG combat elements and the goal to become the GREATEST FIGHTER in the Colosseum!


RPG Fighter League - All help and feedback about the game are welcome :D

Let's make a great RPG game!
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
My take on your synopsis might look something like...

In a world where everything is settled in a good fight, every warrior wants to have a chance to enter the Fighter League. Henry Forge is a member of that league, and a descendant of a legend. His sole desire is to finish what his family started, and meet the enigmatic Architect, creator of the Colosseum, and be inducted into the Hall of Champions by his own merits.

Fight, train, and meet comrades on your way to the top! Experience an adventure where choosing, and developing, the right members of your team really matter to be victorious in battle! Learn about the creation of the Fighter League and the Colosseum. Unfold the story about Henry and the members his family with encounters of great characters in a world where everything can be solved by fighting to death!


I would suggest skipping the part about the current state of the game/demo. That can be a blog you can submit the gamepage later on. Speaking of, are you intending to hyperlink external sites in regards to your dev-blog and the first trailer? You could probably submit the trailer as a media object after the gamepage is accepted (MORE MS!), but, the external dev-blog would probably still be a hyperlink.
Yes everything will be an hyper link outside of this website to give more info about my project and the current status and bugs knowns in the project.

Thank you for you're help it's true that I can shorten my whole description about my project to something more direct about the game and the hook around it.

I hope you will have the chance to play my demo and give me some feedback about my project to always push the quality.


okay guys I was told to post my game description in here and have some help with it

Black Suede takes place on planet Earth, and your main character Xu Chi longs to go on a quest to find her parents who disappeared three years ago as she and her brother Leon Chi embark on a quest to find there parents they meet many new friends along the way.
You start out as Xu a 18 year old girl who lives in the quite town of Springs, she and Leon used to live there with their parents but their mother and father are adventurers and they set out to defeat an evil being known as Zelfar...
As you progress through dungeons and towns of the game you find side-quests for more to the game and so there you have it a game that where you will fall in love with the characters and villains in which I truly hope not but have some fun with the game.
There is one side-quest in the game and that is to collect all of the Bromaides of all the female characters that is a physical party member. as well as getting four party members in your party whom are optional to get, they will help you in battle in many ways.
The four optional characters are:
Allan (AKA)Mr. Hazelsoft the maker of the game,
Mikethecat2 (AKA) Mike,
Santa Claus,
and Jesus (Gods Son)
all the other characters are:
Xu Chi,
Leon Chi,
Siefer Riley
and many others!
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
My take on that would look something like...

The parents of two teenagers, Xu and Leon, answered the call to adventure, and went after an evil being known as Zelfar. Taking a cue from their parents, the pair set out on their own adventure to seek their parents. Along they way, they met new friends, and face fearsome foes. Various side-quests may unlock certain "joke" characters (such as Santa Claus, Jesus, and a self-insert), but, other more serious characters exist in the game.


...this. Though, if those optional characters are not a joke, then, I guess the last part might look something more like...

Various side-quests may unlock certain special characters (such as Santa Claus, Jesus, and a self-insert), but other characters are met via the story.


...that, or something like that?

I hope this helps!
Hello everyone, I just recently submitted a game that was denied because "the description needs a little work for clarity". The person who denied the submission was kind enough to direct me to this topic for help.
I'm not entirely sure what I'd need to elaborate on. Is the story description to general or should I go into more details about the exact gameplay features.

I'll post the game description page as I had submitted it below, and I would ask if you all could give me some pointers on how to improve it.
Thank you in advance.


Story
The world has becoming an increasingly dangerous place, the number of criminals, terrorists and general evildoers is at an all-time high. To counter this evil, decorated S.W.A.T. officer J.J. Colt founds the World Army. Together with his longtime friend Nathan "Rocket" Nace, an explosives expert and mechanical engineer.
It is an army with no political or national allegiance, its only goal is making the world a better place by fighting evildoers on a global scale. Colt and Rocket are quickly joined by Samantha "Phoenix" Byington, a renown competitive martial artist; and Marco "Blue Fox" Tundo, a highly trained ninja with a mysterious past. Several dozen recruits from all over the world also sign up. Some experienced or formerly retired soldier or mercenaries, others regular people with no combat experience. All of them in need of training or a refresher course before they are ready for action.

The heroes are dutifully making progress towards achieving their goal. Little do they know that behind the scenes, a great evil is plotting a scheme of grand proportions...

General description
World In Danger is a top down action game with stealth elements, similar to classic such as "Metal Gear" and "Legend Of Zelda". Embark on missions across the globe, taking out groups of enemies, rescuing hostages, disarming bombs and more. Face the unique and challenging boss fights the player encounters as the story unravels.
It is being developed for Windows(PC), MacOS(Mac) and mobile platforms (Android and iOS)


Challenging Bosses
Face off against interesting and unique bosses as you make your way through the story.

Large Roster of Playable Characters
Aside from the four main characters, unlock a large number of additional playable characters as you progress through the game. Each with their own skills and weapons

Freely Explore The Headquarters (Freeroam Mode)
Between missions, head to the World Army headquarters and see it evolve over the course of the storyline. Meet the entire crew and get to know them.

Adjustable Difficulty
Play the game either as a challenging experience or a casual playthrough. Some like a challenge, others just want to experience the story, you can pick your preference every time you start the game and enter the mission select screen.

Boss Attack Mode(s)
After completing the story, try your hand at the boss attack mode. Take on all the bosses back to back. If you really want a challenge try the "Ironman" variant, where health and ammo is not reset at the start of each boss. One health bar and limited ammo.

Achievements/Codenames To Unlock
Unlock achievements / codenames throughout the game. Defeat a boss, get the highest rank on a mission or even simply talk to all of the characters in freeroam mode... But also several secret achievements, can you find/earn them?

Demo version

A demo version of the game has been released. I'm in need of some general feedback about what you think about the game. Is it to hard, or to easy? stuff like that. But most importantly, is it fun to play? As a avid fan of the rpg maker series I'd like to know what you guys think.

Please download the demo and leave me your feedback.
e-mail me at josploegmakers@coltgames.com

Click here to visit the website and download the demo.
Installation instruction are described on the download page (a very simply unzip and click executable)

Play through the first few levels of the game, including the first boss fight and an optional (but recommended) tutorial. It also includes the full version of free roam mode, where you can explore the World Army's base of operations and meet the crew working there. And the custom mission mode, where you can select any of the available levels and customize your own mission.

NOTICE!
Keep in mind, this is still an early version of the game. Errors and bugs can be present. Music aside from the main theme is subject to change, as is the majority of the sound effects. If you do come across any bugs or errors, please let me know, e-mail me at josploegmakers@coltgames.com
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
@Colt: Some things in that description don't need to be there because they can be placed elsewhere on the gamepage, when you get one. Such as the trailer being submitted as media. Saying that, let's try to get to the nitty-gritty!

So, my take on that description might look something more like...
Story
The world has becoming an increasingly dangerous place, the number of criminals, terrorists and general evil-doers is at an all-time high. To counter this, decorated S.W.A.T. officer J.J. Colt and his long-time friend Nathan "Rocket" Nace, found the World Army.
It is an army with no political or national allegiance. It's only goal is making the world a better place by fighting evildoers on a global scale. Colt and Rocket are quickly joined by Samantha "Phoenix" Byington, a renown competitive martial artist, and Marco "Blue Fox" Tundo, a highly trained ninja with a mysterious past. Several dozen recruits from all over the world also sign up. Some have experience. Some are formerly retired soldiers, or mercenaries. Others are regular people with no combat experience. All of them in need of training, or a refresher course, before they are ready for action.

The heroes are dutifully making progress towards achieving their goal. Little do they know that behind the scenes, a great evil is plotting a scheme of grand proportions...

General description
World In Danger is a top down action game with stealth elements, similar to classic such as Metal Gear and Legend Of Zelda. Embark on missions across the globe, taking out groups of enemies, rescuing hostages, disarming bombs and more. Face the unique and challenging boss fights the player encounters as the story unravels.


...that. Though, to be fair, I'm not a fan of "feature lists". If you must have one, I would suggest something like...

Features
  • Challenging Bosses

Face off against interesting and unique bosses as you make your way through the story.

  • Large Roster

Aside from the four main characters, unlock a large number of additional playable characters as you progress through the game. Each with their own skills and weapons

  • Freeroam Mode

Between missions, head to the World Army headquarters and see it evolve over the course of the storyline. Meet the entire crew and get to know them.

  • Adjustable Difficulty

Play the game either as a challenging experience or a casual playthrough. Some like a challenge, others just want to experience the story, you can pick your preference every time you start the game and enter the mission select screen.

  • Boss Attack Mode

After completing the story, try your hand at the boss attack mode. Take on all the bosses back to back. If you really want a challenge try the "Ironman" variant, where health and ammo is not reset at the start of each boss. One health bar and limited ammo.

  • Achievements

Unlock achievements / codenames throughout the game. Defeat a boss, get the highest rank on a mission or even simply talk to all of the characters in Freeroam Mode. There are also several secret achievements. Can you find/earn them all?


...that.
I didn't know about there would be a separate location to put the trailer/video footage, i'll keep that in mind.

Aside from some small format and grammar tweaks, the description hasn't been altered much. Was that what they ment with clarity? An improve format to make it easier to read?
I was under the impression that they found some parts lacking in information. Taking your reformatted layout and adding some in-depth details about the gameplay, would be sufficient to consider resubmitting?

Also, is a features list considered bad form in for some reason? Because I would like to keep it in the general description, as it does tell the potential player about things that can be done/will be possible in the game.