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Need a little help with my games description, mine was denied for grammar reasons, I never noticed it myself but I may just be stupid. here's the description.

The Sword and the Fox or Ken to kitsune is a story about a young swordsman named Junko who goes on a journey to seek sword left by a great samurai in a supposedly haunted castle of a former emperor. When he arrives he meets princess Hayami, a kitsune beast women Who now lives there. Your goal is to guide Junko through his journey to find the sword and find out who this kitsune is and why she has invited you in.

This is my Entry to the #tyranojam Game Jam. I hope you all enjoy playing this.

you can download the game here:

https://megadrivesonic.itch.io/the-sword-and-the-fox
https://gamejolt.com/games/The_Sword-and-the-Fox/254747
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
I may not be 100% in top form at the moment. However, off the top of my head, maybe something like...

The Sword and the Fox, or Ken to Kitsune, is a story about a young swordsman named Junko who goes on a journey to seek a sword left behind by an Empreror. When he arrives he is greeted by Hayami, a kitsune beast-woman, who has taken residence in the old palace. Your goal is to guide Junko through the castle to find the sword, and find out who Hayami is, what her intentions are.


...this? As an after-thought, you could probably assign one, if not both, of those URL's to RMN when the gamepage becomes active. Or you could just leave them as-is in the description as an "Other links of interest" thing. Does this event have a site? Maybe link to that.
Need a little help with my games description,Description needs fixing when it comes to grammar, sentence structure and punctuation

the story of a girl who suffered a nightmare,that girl should experience an obstacle given the clown in order to be free from the nightmare.
and who made the nightmare, which made the nightmare that is the man who wears a clown costume,
However, when tisa tisa met on the way, many of the ghosts who want to eat it, tisa ran and screamed because the ghosts it was very scary and her voice is also scary
TISA met someone named isabella they make new friends and adventure in the land of dreams that horrifying and finally they both come out of the dream of each, but the journey is not yet over, in the real world any tisa still is haunted by a ghost in hunger, tisa seeking help but nobody,like disappear somehow walking follow the tisa, where light and meet angels, tisa ever ask for help to the angel that all became normal.

Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
@CoreExperience: I must confess, I'm having a bit of a hard time figuring out what you're talking about to begin with! Still, the suggestion off the top of my head is something like...

Tisa is trapped in a nightmare, given to her by a man dressed in a clown costume. Among the many obstacles in her way are ghosts that want to eat her alive! She finds she is not alone, as she comes across someone named Isabella who is just as trapped as she is.

Even when they escape, they find the waking world has been infected by the hungry ghosts of the dream-world. Their journey continues to seek out the light of angels to make everything right again.


...this?

So long as I'm here, I may as well ask about this description:

After 1000 years of iron-fisted rule, the Empress of Baclyae dies. With no clear heir, who takes the throne is under contention. The Duke of Espea, the Baroness of Sucror, and the Princess of Vapleissau all clamor for the right to rule.

Sarah and her friend, Hans, are exiles from the Imperial Palace for the crime of disobedience. They may wander the lands now, but, they will find that their fate is interwtined with that of the torn-apart nation.


Personal aside
This game is a tribute to the Suikoden series, and therefore borrows heavily from it. However, as this is a tribute, and not a fan-game, there may be a few things that are in those games that are not in this one, and visa-versa.

Other links of interest
Suikoden 3 written LP: here


I kinda feel I could/should say more here, or that I'm missing something?
"Description needs a little work when it comes to punctuation and sentence structure."

In the forest, there is a little town with only a few people in it, they get by with hunting and fishing. Genta and his parents lived there this is where some of his story begins. They were running low on resources so decided to head out into the forest but something bad happened that night. Genta and his parents were in a horrible accident when they went hunting in the woods. His parents, unfortunately, didn't make it and Genta barely made it if it weren't for some of the villagers hearing his screams from the town.

After losing his memories from head trauma/ trauma of losing his parents and just wanting to push it away and being haunted by dreams of what seems like the past he decided to head out and figure out what happened that day and regroup his memories of his life before the accident so he can't really remember who he was.

Genta isn't alone on this trip to get his memories back. He finds friends. that have specialties of their own, one who is really fast and the other has extreme strength. He also meets someone who is against him, doing anything in his power to keep him from getting what he wants.

any pointer??
author=RougeSkyes
"Description needs a little work when it comes to punctuation and sentence structure."In the forest, there is a little town with only a few people in it, they get by with hunting and fishing. Genta and his parents lived there this is where some of his story begins. They were running low on resources so decided to head out into the forest but something bad happened that night. Genta and his parents were in a horrible accident when they went hunting in the woods. His parents, unfortunately, didn't make it and Genta barely made it if it weren't for some of the villagers hearing his screams from the town.

After losing his memories from head trauma/ trauma of losing his parents and just wanting to push it away and being haunted by dreams of what seems like the past he decided to head out and figure out what happened that day and regroup his memories of his life before the accident so he can't really remember who he was.

Genta isn't alone on this trip to get his memories back. He finds friends. that have specialties of their own, one who is really fast and the other has extreme strength. He also meets someone who is against him, doing anything in his power to keep him from getting what he wants.

any pointer??
The grammar you've used above isn't very good and so it doesn't flow nicely, there are also several unneeded words and some odd expressions.

How about this:
In the forest there is a little town with only a few people in it. Their primary trades are hunting and fishing. Genta lived in this town with his parents.

One day they were running low on food so decided to go hunting in the forest but there was a horrible accident and Genta’s parents died, Genta was badly wounded and screamed out in horror and pain. Thankfully others from the town heard his screams and came to his rescue saving his live.

After losing his memories from the trauma of the injuries and the loss of his parents, Genta decided to travel into the woods again to rediscover what had happened to him.

Genta isn't alone on this trip to recover his memories, he finds friends who have special abilities one who is really fast and another who has extreme strength.

He also encounters an opponent; someone who will do anything in their power to keep Genta from getting what he wants.

Having re-written it I also note that it has an obvious oddity to the events it's describing: - Genta is trying to recover his memories after a hunting that trip that went wrong, from the early story the assumption most readers would make is that they ran into a vicious animal of some kind or perhaps a bandit.

The introduction at the end of the description of both a) special powers and b) a serious villain seem somewhat inconsistent with the starting point; at least at an initial read.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
It could be that the antagonist caused that hunting incident. We know this person wishes to stop Genta. Maybe this person even went so far as to make an attempt on Genta's life, but only managed to seriously (critically?) wound him? So, while one might be able to guess a "who", the "why" (which we do not know) can probably be discovered in-game and may be half the point of the game's story.
author=Marrend
It could be that the antagonist caused that hunting incident. We know this person wishes to stop Genta. Maybe this person even went so far as to make an attempt on Genta's life, but only managed to seriously (critically?) wound him? So, while one might be able to guess a "who", the "why" (which we do not know) can probably be discovered in-game and may be half the point of the game's story.
Yeah I got that on the second re-read following my re-write; it just felt initially jarring reading it (to be honest going on a journey to investigate a hunting accident didn't feel like it made much sense - unless you know it's not an accident).
In the forest there is a little town with only a few people in it. Their primary trades are hunting and fishing. Genta lived in this town with his parents a few other villagers. One day they were running low on food so decided to go hunting in the forest but there was a horrible accident and Genta’s parents died, Genta was badly wounded and screamed out in horror and pain. Thankfully others from the town heard his screams and came to his rescue saving his life.

After losing his memories from the trauma of the injuries and the loss of his parents, Genta decided to travel into the woods again to rediscover what had happened to him. Genta isn't alone on this trip to recover his memories, he finds friends who have special abilities one who is really fast and another who has extreme strength. He also encounters an opponent; someone who will do anything in their power to keep Genta from getting what he wants. He soon learns that this opponent is the one that killed his parents but why is he trying to stop him from finding these things out?
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
Hrm. Maaaaaybe...

In the forest, there is a little town with a few villagers in it. Their primary trades are hunting and fishing. Genta was one of these villagers. On a hunting excursion, a terrible accident occurred: Genta's parents died, and Genta himself was badly wounded. Luckily, they were near the town. The townsfolk could hear the screams, and came to rescue.

Genta lost his memories that day. They say it was a combination of the trauma of loosing his parents and the trauma of his wounds. When he recovered in vigor more fully, he decides to travel, maybe to recover some of those lost memories. Along the way, he finds friends with their own specialties. He also encounters an opponent; someone that will stop at nothing to stop Genta. Genta swears he saw this person once before. Was it during the hunting incident? Yes, the memory seems to surface. He was there, attacked them, and was ultimately responsible for his parent's death and his wounds. The question remains: why?


...this?
In the forest, there is a little town with a few villagers in it. Their main trades are hunting and fishing. Genta and his parents were three of these villagers. On a hunting excursion, a terrible accident occurred: Genta's parents died, and Genta himself was badly wounded. Luckily, they were near the town. The townsfolk could hear the screams, and came to rescue. Genta lost his memories that day. They say it was a combination of the trauma of loosing his parents and the trauma of his wounds.

When he recovered in vigor more fully, he decides to travel, maybe to recover some of those lost memories. Along the way, he finds friends with their own specialties. He also encounters an opponent; someone that will stop at nothing to keep Genta from his goal. Genta swears he saw this person once before. Was it during the hunting incident? Yes, the memory seems to surface. He was there, attacked them, and was ultimately responsible for his parent's death and his wounds. The question remains: why?

????
author=RougeSkyes
In the forest, there is a little town with a few villagers in it. Their main trades are hunting and fishing. Genta and his parents were three of these villagers. On a hunting excursion, a terrible accident occurred: Genta's parents died, and Genta himself was badly wounded. Luckily, they were near the town. The townsfolk could hear the screams, and came to rescue. Genta lost his memories that day. They say it was a combination of the trauma of loosing his parents and the trauma of his wounds. When he recovered in vigor more fully, he decides to travel, maybe to recover some of those lost memories. Along the way, he finds friends with their own specialties. He also encounters an opponent; someone that will stop at nothing to keep Genta from his goal. Genta swears he saw this person once before. Was it during the hunting incident? Yes, the memory seems to surface. He was there, attacked them, and was ultimately responsible for his parent's death and his wounds. The question remains: why?
In the forest, there is a little town with a few villagers in it. Their main trades are hunting and fishing. Genta and his parents were three of these villagers. On a hunting excursion, a terrible accident occurred: Genta's parents died, and Genta himself was badly wounded. Luckily, they were near the town. The townsfolk could hear the screams, and came to rescue. Genta lost his memories that day. They say it was a combination of the trauma of loosing his parents and the trauma of his wounds.

When he recovered in vigor more fully, he decides to travel, maybe to recover some of those lost memories. Along the way, he finds friends with their own specialties. He also encounters an opponent; someone that will stop at nothing to keep Genta from his goal. Genta swears he saw this person once before. Was it during the hunting incident? Yes, the memory seems to surface. He was there, attacked them, and was ultimately responsible for his parent's death and his wounds. The question remains: why?

????
thoughts on this revision in no particular order:
1. Villagers don't live in towns they live in villages - either make it a village or make the people townsmen/townsfolk - not villagers.

2. I'm not sure what "recovering in vigour more fully" is meant to mean - using a dictionary it implies that he had partially recovered then recovered a bit more but isn't fully recovered yet - is that what you mean? Either way it sounds weird - better to say things more simply.

3. "came to rescue" - is not a complete thought - "came to the rescue" works

4. "Genta himself was badly wounded" - the word "himself" isn't needed and adds nothing

5. "They say it was a combination of..." who says this?

6. "When he recovered" who? you've started a new paragraph should say "Genta" not "he"

7. "Genta swears he saw this person once before" you're mixing up present tense and past tense here - "Genta swore he had seen this person before" would be better

8. the word "ultimately" adds nothing - I'd remove it

9. If this villain is a serious threat - why did he run away when a few townsfolk showed up to rescue Genta? - either the townsfolk are all super tough or the villain is just a normal man BUT you've introduced allies with super powers - how will this work?
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
A few responses, if I may.

2) The "recovering in vigor more fully" part was supposed to relay that we're specifically talking about his physical health. His memories have not returned, so, the logic in my head is that such would relate to his mental health?

4) I wouldn't necessarily say that adding the extra "himself" adds absolutely nothing. I felt it added a bit of flair. However, I suppose it can be removed.

5) Wouldn't the villagers say this?

8) Again, I felt it added a bit of flair. I suppose it can be removed.

9) We don't really know all that much about this antagonist. It's possible he/she/it/whatever is just a normal person that skirted away when noticing the villagers coming. Alternatively, maybe he/she/it/whatever thought that Genta was killed, and Genta only screamed after the person left? Hrm.
help me please
my game was denied "Description requires some work in the areas of grammar and spelling"
-Story-
the story about a young child named jimmy who lost his family during the tsunami disaster came, the little boy was dragged into a very large cave, some of the tsunami-dragged into the cave, the tsunami-driven people tried to keep out of the cave but failed because of the cave very large.
But the boy named jimmy was able to come out alone because there was a mysterious figure that helped him
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
I've a number of questions for you. First, let me relay what I do know, or can glean from what you wrote.

What I can glean is that there was a tsunami that trapped a bunch of people in a cave. Everybody that retreated into that cave died from that catastrophe. Jimmy managed to survive because he had help.

So, are you (as Jimmy) searching for survivors elsewhere? What about the mysterious person the helped Jimmy? How does that person fit in to this? Does that person expect something back for helping Jimmy?

*Edit: There may be more questions I can't quite find the words to ask, but, the bottom line, and I'm not trying to be nasty here, is that what you wrote tells me nothing about what to expect from the game. Some things you might not have to say, or might not want to say until later. That's fine. But, players need to know what they are getting into, and I have no clue what I could be playing based on that description alone.
I've made some corrections to your description. I made a few guesses as to what you meant in a couple areas, so this may not read as you intended.
author=CoreExperience
-Story-
The story is about a young child named Jimmy who lost his family during the tsunami. When disaster came, the little boy was dragged into a very large cave. The tsunami dragged some of the people into the cave; the tsunami-driven people tried to get out of the cave but failed because the cave was very large.
But Jimmy alone was able to come out because there was a mysterious figure who helped him.
Hello, I don't know where the grammar errors are in this description. is it because it's too cryptic, or what is it?

A doll wonders alone, about a garden, a house, and a workshop. To find why he was made. Why he's here. For down and down the rabbit hole. further and further down for Dolly. asking questions, but getting not even a step further to his goal. what a sad fate, for a precious doll. Find clues, beat mindful challenges that change with every slam of a door. Run from monsters or hide from them, It's up to you. Most importantly, find out who Dolly is. for your sake and his. but whatever you do. find me. find out who we were. Help us, find love once again

-Adam
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
I noticed a few words at the beginning of sentences that were not capitalized. Though, there are places where, it seemed to me, that sentences might be combined. My suggestion, off the top of my head, would me to have it look something like...

A doll wanders about a garden, house, and workshop, all alone. Why was he made? Why is he here? Far down the rabbit hole for the doll, asking questions, but not even getting one step further to his goal. What a sad fate for a precious doll!

Find clues, and beat meaningful challenges that change with the slam of ever door. Run from monsters, or hide from them; it's up to you. Just find out who Dolly is for both your sake and his. Then, please, find me and help me to love once more!

...so?
Denied due to "Description needs a little work when it comes to punctuation and sentence structure" Any updates or feedback on how this can be changed or updated I'm very open to feedback and learning.

Roughly 6 months have passed since the events of Star Isis. The Valorik who have only 3 remaining worlds, the Creen who are in financial collapse and the remaining Estopians having seemingly sided with the main enemy is there any hope for the Valorik too survive and win their war? The only hope for the Valorik is to unite all three races by helping them overcome their tragic past and work together against this common foe.
This game is still in development but so far I am enjoying it a lot more than my original game. My goal is to have it done by the end of the summer however time will tell. I will be introducing a few new characters and using them as playable ones along with most of the old ones. I would say at this point I have roughly 20% done. I will update the description as I work on it during the summer.
LockeZ
I'd really like to get rid of LockeZ. His play style is way too unpredictable. He's always like this too. If he ran a country, he'd just kill and imprison people at random until crime stopped.
5958
The first paragraph should be more like this:

Roughly six months have passed since the events of Star Isis. The Valorik have only three remaining worlds, the Creen are in financial collapse, and the remaining Estopians having seemingly sided with the main enemy. The only hope for the Valorik to survive and win their war is to unite all three races by helping them overcome their tragic past and work together against this common foe.


The second paragraph should be completely deleted, and replaced with something that actually describes your game, instead of being a blog post about your personal life.

Some other notes:

- Tell the reader briefly what the events of Star Isis are, instead of just calling it by name. Not in detail. Half a sentence about the single biggest event in Star Isis is probably enough. Something like: "Roughly six months have passed since the events of Star Isis, in which Emperor Palpatine took control of the galactic senate." Or whatever happened. Presumably not that.

- You ask "Is there any hope for the Valorik?" and then immediately answer that question in the next sentence. That's dumb. Don'd do that. I actually deleted that line in my fixed version for you, I just wanted to explain why I did.

- Who is "the main enemy"? You can't just say that someone sided with "the main enemy" and then not say who that is. Come on.

- Talk about your gameplay. Nobody really cares what your plot is. You haven't even said what genre this game is, much less described how it plays.