LET'S WORK ON YOUR GAME DESCRIPTIONS!

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Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
Hrm. The text seems to suggest that Jennifer's visions of a kidnapping, and the Whitefields, are connected. However, the way it's relayed here is a bit odd. With that in mind, I would suggest...

Between February, and September, Jennifer Conner has suffered incessant premonitions. On top of that, her dreams of the future always come to pass. Her latest dream is of the kidnapping of a girl by the Whitefields. Jennifer decides to investigate the matter herself, and maybe prevent the event. However, merely having the ability to see the future, having knowledge of what is about to happen, may not prevent the future from occurring. Choices have to be made. Will they be the right ones?


...this?
Oh, Whitefields is the name of her hometown, not an actual place.
Would this be ok?
"...of a girl in her hometown, Whitefields. Jennifer decides to..."

Thanks for your help! It sounds really good now.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
My mistake on confusing person and place. That aside, yeah, that should work!
From the beginning of time man has been Festinated with the solar system.And has wanted to explore the planets of outer space. however they could Only learn so much. after many years of studying time has gone by slow Then faster as people age and latter die. the year is now 2100 and some people Now live on the space station above the earth. all was at peace for a time. however A new ruler has come to make the people on earth an the space station a living Hell. they call them slfes dark nova. they are now you're new rulers. so a hero Must rise to stop this evil government an save there people. choose you're path will you pray or will fight. because the end of the world in here. sorry the grammer was bad.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
Um, redwall? You already posted that description here, and I gave you a suggestion. Unless you want another one?
Sorry I have a little internet lag.
Thanks Marred I have used the text that you have gave me but librty say that it had bad spelling and grammer.
From the beginning of time, Man has been fascinated with the solar system, and has wanted to explore the planets of outer space. However, they could only learn so much.

The year is now 2100, and some people have come to live on a space station orbiting Earth. For a time, all was peaceful. However, an alien race came to make life for the people of Earth, and those on board the station, a living hell. Calling themselves Dark Nove, they have become humanity's new rulers. A hero must rise to stop this evil government, and save the people! Choose your path: will you pray or will you fight? The end of the world is nigh!


^
Needed some extra words added so that it wasn't so stilted.
Ok, so recently I had to remake a new project's description. Can you guys help me out here? Here is what is written...

Shantae and Asha:Arabic Aperture is an open world 2D Platformer that blends Action,RPG,Puzzle, and Adventure elements into one. It is a brand new adventure being created using the Monster World IV-2 Engine(made in Game Maker). The project serves as both a sequel to Monster World 4 and a new adventure in the world of the original Shantae.

GAME FEATURES
  • Two playable characters
  • An open environment that blends with action stages
  • Lost content from both series
  • New items and equipment
  • New and completely redesigned locations such as Mute Tower and Dribble Fountain
  • Classic Monster World/Shantae gameplay with new twists
  • Real time day/night system

STORY
When peace is finally restored to Monster World, Asha is assigned to be Rapagadna's head Knight and is given a vacation. After returning home, she finds out that her Mother has fallen victim to a rare illness that can only be cured with three magical herbs. Asha embarks on a fetch quest that eventually ends up getting her involved in something much bigger than what she had initially set out for.

Meanwhile, on a distant world known as Sequin Land, Shantae has finally defeated Risky Boots and her crew. However, Risky was far from done. After her defeat,she began to search for clues on the history of Genies to find out a way to defeat Shantae once and for all. During a recent excavation, one of her crew members finds an ominous relic that is emitting a great deal of negative energy. Risky's actions with this powerful new weapon end up being so drastic, it causes a distant world to be affected. It's up to Sequin Land's "Half Genie Hero" to save the day!
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
Off the top of my head, I'd suggest moving the story section up to the top, followed by the game information (ie: the paragraph before the feature header), then features. Otherwise, I don't have too many issues with that, save that there's a space missing in the title...

Shantae and Asha: Arabic Aperture


...and also...

After her defeat, she


...here. I believe "mother"...

... she finds out that her mother...


...should be lower-case, as it's not a proper name.
Thanks a bunch :D. This helped a lot! Going back to edit now. Also, should "Knight" be upper or lowercase since it's also not a name?
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
author=XBuster
Thanks a bunch :D. This helped a lot! Going back to edit now. Also, should "Knight" be upper or lowercase since it's also not a name?

Hrm. That might depend on the reference that's being made. For example, "Head Knight" could be a position/title one can have in the military to express that they lead the Knights. "Knights", in the context I just gave, would refer to the military organization, or maybe just the portion of the military that employs knights, itself.
author=Marrend
author=XBuster
Thanks a bunch :D. This helped a lot! Going back to edit now. Also, should "Knight" be upper or lowercase since it's also not a name?
Hrm. That might depend on the reference that's being made. For example, "Head Knight" could be a position/title one can have in the military to express that they lead the Knights. "Knights", in the context I just gave, would refer to the military organization, or maybe just the portion of the military that employs knights, itself.

Knight was a name... but not this... i think...
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
The word "knight", by itself, is a profession. So, it would follow the similar rules as, say, nurse, doctor, police officer, or what-have-you. A "Head Nurse" would be similar to the "Head Knight" example before, expressing a position of authority/leadership/administration one has among the other nurses. I'm not sure if I want to get into specifics like "Officer Krupke" (which is a position within the police force mixed with a proper name), but, I hope this makes my reasoning of suggesting "Head Knight" a bit clearer.
author=XBuster
Action,RPG,Puzzle, and Adventure

Action, RPG, Puzzle and Adventure

Always put a space after commas (as in one of Marrend's corrections), and only use a comma before the word "and" when the "and" is being used as a conjunction (joining word) between two parts of a sentence. i.e. Don't use a comma before an "and" at the end of a list.

author=XBuster
Monster World IV-2 Engine(made in Game Maker).

Monster World IV-2 Engine (made in Game Maker).

Always put a space before and after a set of brackets.

author=XBuster
  • Real time day/night system

Real-time day/night system

This is a small one, and you can take it or leave it, but it's generally the convention to put a hyphen/dash between two words that are being used together as one adjective, especially if one of those words is a noun.

author=XBuster
Risky's actions with this powerful new weapon end up being so drastic, it causes a distant world to be affected.

Risky's actions with this powerful new weapon end up being so drastic, they cause a distant world to be affected.

Because the subject of the sentence, "Risky's actions", is plural, the matching pronoun and verb "they cause" should be used.

author=XBuster
"Half Genie Hero"

"Half-Genie Hero"

As above, with two words used together as a single adjective.

Hope that helps.
Thanks PineBox :D I went in and made the changes. To be honest, I hadn't even noticed any of those. Man, I need a refresher with grammar and punctuation lol.
author=XBuster
Thanks PineBox :D
You're welcome!
My time..
My game is in portuguese, if i have a good feedback i think in translate it to english, i removed the images of the topic first to you correctly the text.

Author: I
Program Used: Rpgmaker 2000 (Value Version without RTP need to play)
Project Status: Beta stage in spam
Starting Date: May 07, 2010 (projecting in texts)
End Date: I could never predict this.

History
During the era of RPG Maker 2000, the main character of RTP (the character pack that comes with the RPG Maker) Alex has been participating in all possible games imaginable and many characters in the RTP package have become secondary characters.
Many of these characters then wanted more important roles generating conflicts and wars, so these characters were sent to the world of Rober, for a greater participation, but even there not everyone had peace, some grouped together with their friends and formed villages living in peace, getting happy to just say hi, others want to be heroes at all costs.
One of these groups is called the Rober people (People 1-3) if isolated from the world and seeks to live in a peaceful way, even because they are weak, they worship the mole and practice mole-fu. And from that people the author of the game chooses him to be the hero.

Character
Vou descrever apenas alguns, mas no total planejo 9.

Robercleiton Robiscleiton Rober TURBO
It is the hero of the game, the chosen one, the super hero from the world, the cat that hunts all (or not), the most beautiful guy in the world ... He is my hero.
Anyway he is the representative chosen by me to be the hero of the game and organize this mess that has become the game. The Robers do not have parents according to the story told by the Robers, they are copied and glued by the mouse and sent to the games when necessary.
Robercleiton is a blue-haired, handsome, very humble and unintelligent guy, and one of the best Fu Mole fighters, can dig easily, something many Robers have been slow to learn, as well as attacking stones as one of his attacks after the excavation.
Class: Mole Man - Mole fighter Fu, use blows that the moles have taught him.


Robermori:
I will be helping Robercleiton in this game, by destroying the old game, I decided to use more protective equipment to protect Robercleiton and his friends, using 3 or more shields to protect and attack the enemies.
Being the organizer, progamador and do everything of the game, always tries to put Robercleiton and all the characters, including the villains in the script when they become rebels and they try to do what they want of the life, dominate the world.
Class: Shieldman

Salmine:
Salmina is a super intelligent fish that wants to be a heroine in this game, but for being a fish has to use a bucket of water with motorized wheels to move in the earthly environment.
Characteristics: Temperament very explosive and capable of handling water in various ways.
Class: Fish Heroin

Robercleita Robertacleita Rober:
History: Robercleita is serving as a slave in a burger joint, Robercleiton will seek to help her out of this.
Extremely dedicated to work just like all Robers, they do it for lack of what to do in life, lament the Robers have abandoned them, but everything will change when they find the charming Robercleiton. The Robers are nice and humble girls and always talk about things from home, like when they get married and about the new stove model.
Class: Home Worker


Maximus:
History: Using his advanced intelligence, he is able to use everything around him to advance his mission. Character based on MacGyver.
It is the most intelligent and wise of the universe, can get to know all chemical elements and all physical laws that operate in the universe to the contact of your eyes, so you can cover an acid leak with chocolates. During his film failures, he turned out to be a bit aggressive and leaves his great wisdom aside when it comes to mastering the show.
Glass: Miracleman

Evil Goat of Darkness
History: A Goat who kills because he could, was allied with his enemies but tired of doing few evil things and preferred to go with the heroes to detonate everything he sees ahead.
Characteristics: Most angry character of the group, lives nervous and thirsting to kill.
Class: Evil

Villains
Alex Full:
Alex is the first character to appear on the list when you decide to create a game in RpgMaker 2000, so Alex participated in countless RPG games thanks to the evil will of the creators of rpg maker to create their characters. So Alex has killed countless monsters, gained infinite levels, and probably knows all the spell techniques of the universe, plus sword techniques, ninjutsu, jiu-jitsu, boxing, Chinese machetes, machine guns, powerful farts, blood transfusion diseases. He knows how to fight very well ... I sucked him and made him a half-mouth swordsman in the game. There ... He was too overpowered.
Alex is legendary, the most arrogant character with no concept of the universe, even losing his powers and taking a beating, always counts advantage even for his friends, and always tries to lie about their defeats. Speaking that in fact he was testing his new stroke A foot, and things like that.
Class: Chara 1-1

The others will be: Robercletzon, Velho da Ponte, Silvio Santos, Big Ode Manoel, Zubata, Zulula, Godão

Systems
- Rough and funny side battle (half the standard of the 2k)
- Game works with low attributes, where quests and items will give bonus grantes.
- Simple menu of Quests and Epic Moments triggered by an item in the menu.
- System Change equipment by certain parts of the enemy.
- Possibility to play with all the villains, with exclusive battles and animations as well.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
I personally think character information could be placed into a separate tab on the gamepage after it's acquired, but, that's my humble opinion.

That aside, from what information I can glean, I think what your description would then be something like...

Among the denizens of the world of Rober, are the so-called "Rober people". These are a people who have isolated themselves, and live in harmony with nature. Even so, they worship moles, and have developed a style of martial arts called "mole-fu". It is one such practitioner that this story revolves around.


Personal aside
During the era when the illegal translation of RPG Maker 2000 was what people used, the "main character" of the run-time package, Alex, was in numerous games. The other characters were secondary, at best. I felt these characters could use more important roles in generating conflicts, thus, the world of Rober was made for them.

Systems
- Rough and funny side battle (half the standard of TsuK)
- Game works with low attributes, where quests and items will give bonus grantes.
- Simple menu of quests and epic moments triggered by an item in the menu.
- System change equipment by certain parts of the enemy.
- Possibility to play with all the villains, with exclusive battles and animations as well.


...that. To be fair, I'm not 100% sure what the story of this game is. Though, the game seems to want to parody TsuK games were there's a generic story of "Alex" becoming a hero. Which probably means this game's story is generic itself, and may be self-aware of that (but not terribly so)?

Sorry, maybe I'm missing some things, but, a lot of information is being thrown at me, and maybe I'm not processing it at all correctly.