LET'S WORK ON YOUR GAME DESCRIPTIONS!

Posts

Hey, guys! This thread was suggested to me as, you might've guessed it already, my game was denied due to grammar issues. English isn't my native language so I was hoping that I could get some help improve my game's description. Thanks!

Here's my game description...

GAME DESCRIPTION

Tonitrus 34N is a short action adventure and puzzle rpg. Join Caelum, Zed, Mei and Gion in their stand against the tyrant General of Castrafort. Freely switch among the squad to make them work together and use their gifts to solve puzzles. Engulf yourselves in the game's rich story and discover different endings.

SYNOPSIS

Terrorists once threatened the whole world. Their thirst for power lead to a massive war that caused destruction and countless deaths. Many had suffered, many had took their own lives just to escape the frightening tortures. Despite this, several people didn't falter and continued breaking their way from the darkness' grasp. It took them several years before the world finally regained the freedom and peace.

It's been more than two decades since the world sunk into darkness because of the war. Castrafort, where the last battle took place and now a city that symbolizes the bravery shown by the people stood firmly and peacefully to ensure that no terrorist attack were to ever happen again. All of this were made possible by the sole ruler and the city's General.

One of the residents of Castrafort was an infamous man named Caelum. To him, Castrafort would never be the city what people had depicted it to be. It was nothing but a place that put a curse on him.


FEATURES

- 4 Playable Characters
- Challenging Puzzles
- Switch Among 4 Characters to Solve Puzzles
- Balanced Battles
- Stealth
- Multiple Endings
Marrend
Guardian Gorgon of the Description Thread
17654
My suggestion is to have something like...

SYNOPSIS

Terrorists once threatened the whole world. Their thirst for power lead to a massive war that caused destruction and countless deaths. Many had suffered. Some took their own lives just to escape being tortured. Others yet held to hope, didn't falter, and continued to breaking from the grasp of darkness. The battle was hard-fought, and took several years, but, the prisoners, and the world at large, finally regained freedom and peace.

It's been more than two decades since the war ended. Castrafort, where the last battle took place, became a city symbolizing the bravery shown by the people, and stood firmly as a constant reminder that no terrorist attack were to ever happen again. This was made possible in, no small way, thanks the the city's mayor, who was a General during the war.

Even so, there were residents of Castrafort that did not see the city as a beacon of hope and peace. They saw it as a blighted curse upon the land. They saw the General, and what he was doing for Castrafort, for what it was: tyranny.

GAME OVERVIEW

Tonitrus 34N is a short action-adventure and puzzle RPG. Join Caelum, Zed, Mei and Gion in their stand against the tyrant-general of Castrafort. Freely switch among the squad, as they work together and use their gifts to solve puzzles. Engulf yourselves in the game's rich story and discover different endings!

FEATURES

- 4 Playable Characters
- Challenging Puzzles
- Switch Among 4 Characters to Solve Puzzles
- Balanced Battles
- Stealth
- Multiple Endings

...this. Though, I think it might be advisable to forgo the "Game Overview" section, as what it says is reiterated, albeit in a different form, with the "Features" section.
Ah, this had helped me greatly, Marrend.

I've removed the game Overview section and just modified the Features section a bit. Thank you so much for your help :D
Marrend
Guardian Gorgon of the Description Thread
17654
Happy to help, and good luck!
Good evening (or Good morning/good afternoon) guys, I was hoping to get some help on fixing the description to my game.
I would like to state that I've worked hard and put way more effort into this one than the one of my previous game and find it way more detailed than the first one I made, but I'll show you what I have and hope that you can help me fix it up so the game can get accepted.

Here is the description:



This follows the story of what transpires right after the events of The Legend of Zora!
Follow in the footsteps of Zork and experience the peregrination in the western region in the desert!
To avoid spoilers you would be recommended to play the first game, this way you can learn about what the story is entirely about and withal get acquainted with the characters preponderant.


After the war was won and everyone settled for placidity, the story follows remotely after the events of the first game.
Zork had decided to leave to commence his incipient quest immediately after the war.

He peregrinated to the western region, where the desert is at.
What does he seek? What could his quest be about? What could've been so exigent that he needed to leave immediately?
The desert is kenned for being an astringent place as well as filled with an abundance of bandits.
What could possibly await our mighty warrior?

That is where you the player comes in, you must go past all obstacles, take yourself on a peregrination to the western region filled with explorations with never afore optically discerned encounters.
You will not simply play through this game as a warrior who is endeavoring to find his place in the world, you will experience first hand at what it feels relish to be in the shoes of someone who wants to find his purport and avail him follow the right path in life.


The main features of the game includes:
- 3 Playable Characters
- Puzzles to Solve
- Fitting Skills & Abilities for each class and character
- Intense Boss Battles
- Hidden Items to find around the world
- Black Market Shop
- A brand new feature (Explained below)


Spirits, is a pristinely incipient & exhilarating feature introduced in the game and are kenned for existing in the western region!
Not everyone can optically discern them or utilization of them, however something tells me that our warrior, perhaps you as the player can unlock the competency to utilize these Spirits?

But perhaps they are so much more than simply a feature in the game?
Could it be that they have a much more astronomically immense purport and more meaning than meets the ocular perceiver?
Only you, the player can decipher this, but be meticulous.
Like I verbalized, not everyone can utilize them.
This is why you were culled, because an impotent man kens the value of vigor, and kens, commiseration.
Do you have what it takes in your heart?
Let's ascertain shall we?

Many incipient allies, foes, rivals and mysteries are to be solved on this peregrination.
Take Zork on his peregrination and experienced the true and ultimate sequel!
Seeking the right path and completing the quest for power!

Credits can be found in the game.​
Marrend
Guardian Gorgon of the Description Thread
17654
There's some words in that description that I needed to look up because I've literally never seen them before in my life. I'm not saying that's good or bad. Different, certainly.

That aside, off the top of my head, my suggestion would be something like...






After the war was won and everyone settled in placidity, Zork decides to commence on another quest immediately after the war. He wanders towards the desert to the west, known for it's bandits. What does he seek? What is this quest that he is on? Why did he leave so quickly?

This is where you, the player, steps in. You must go past all obstacles, head for the western desert, encountering things never seen before. Experience first-hand at what it feels to be in the shoes of someone who wants to find his purpose in life, and to follow the right path. Many new allies and enemies are to be found, and mysteries to be solved on this journey. Take Zork, and experienced the true and ultimate sequel! Seek the right path and complete his quest for power!


This game is a sequel to The Legend of Zora. It is highly suggested to play that game first to get the most out of this game. Credits can be found in the game.



The main features of the game includes:
- 3 Playable Characters
- Puzzles to Solve
- Fitting Skills & Abilities for each class and character
- Intense Boss Battles
- Hidden Items to find around the world
- Black Market Shop
- Spirits (explained below)



Spirits are a new and exhilarating feature introduced in the game. Spirits are known for existing in the western region. Not everyone can see them or utilize them. Thankfully, our warrior hero can. However, they may serve a higher purpose than they initially appear, but, you must be meticulous in your search for this purpose.

...this.

*Edit: Usage of the phrase "optically discerned" instead of "seen"? That's... probably too technical for a game description? I dunno, it just came off as awkward to me. As for "peregrination", that was among the words I had to look up, and I replaced it with "wandering" for the sake of simplicity.
author=Marrend
There's some words in that description that I needed to look up because I've literally never seen them before in my life. I'm not saying that's good or bad. Different, certainly.

That aside, off the top of my head, my suggestion would be something like...







After the war was won and everyone settled in placidity, Zork decides to commence on another quest immediately after the war. He wanders towards the desert to the west, known for it's bandits. What does he seek? What is this quest that he is on? Why did he leave so quickly?

This is where you, the player, steps in. You must go past all obstacles, head for the western desert, encountering things never seen before. Experience first-hand at what it feels to be in the shoes of someone who wants to find his purpose in life, and to follow the right path. Many new allies and enemies are to be found, and mysteries to be solved on this journey. Take Zork, and experienced the true and ultimate sequel! Seek the right path and complete his quest for power!


This game is a sequel to The Legend of Zora. It is highly suggested to play that game first to get the most out of this game. Credits can be found in the game.



The main features of the game includes:
- 3 Playable Characters
- Puzzles to Solve
- Fitting Skills & Abilities for each class and character
- Intense Boss Battles
- Hidden Items to find around the world
- Black Market Shop
- Spirits (explained below)



Spirits are a new and exhilarating feature introduced in the game. Spirits are known for existing in the western region. Not everyone can see them or utilize them. Thankfully, our warrior hero can. However, they may serve a higher purpose than they initially appear, but, you must be meticulous in your search for this purpose.


...this.

*Edit: Usage of the phrase "optically discerned" instead of "seen"? That's... probably too technical for a game description? I dunno, it just came off as awkward to me. As for "peregrination", that was among the words I had to look up, and I replaced it with "wandering" for the sake of simplicity.


My apologies for the trouble, I did not think adding certain words would've been a bad idea, I was trying to come off professional since the description I wrote for my first game was rather simple and barely had any effort put into it.
I was always confused as to why this was accepted in one try and this one here wasn't.
Thank you for the fixes, I'll try submitting the game with this description.
Hopefully it will be looked into thoroughly and actually accepted this time.
Cap_H
DIGITAL IDENTITY CRISIS
6428
Hey Marrend or anyone else,
I'm embarrassed to admit it but i need some help with grammar. I managed to find some more obvious mistakes myself (The first sentence wasn't finished for example). Please, can you help me to make it grammatically correct (and bold the changes, so I can learn from it)?

Dear Brian,
It's been a long time since we heard from you. I hope you're doing well on your quest to become a paladin. And I wish this letter would be a bearer of good news. It isn't. Your mother is bedridden with a mortal disease. She won't see the snow melt again. Please hurry back home, so she can rest her eyes on her firstborn one more time.


In this small RPG Maker 2000 game, you play as a run time package character Brian. Your goal is a simple one. You need to get on the other end of mountains before the winter ends. Will you be able to accomplish your task?
This game is both about trying and letting go. Playing it should feel like a calming breeze. There are many things in our lives, which seem to be important for us, but are they really? Do you even want to finish this game? What is your motivation? And what if I won't let you?

I started the project to do some fine rtp maps and to make something with my rtp edits created for the RMNLYMPICS I had forgotton to submit. All these edits should be free to use, once I finish the game.

Features:
>RTP graphics
>MIDI music
>A minimalistic plot
>Meaningless battles

Also, some sentences sound very dull. Is it just my impression?
Marrend
Guardian Gorgon of the Description Thread
17654
Well, it wasn't just an issue of word usage. There were some grammatical errors in there as well. Those two factors may have contributed to the denial.

As for the other game page's description, would you like me to look that one over in more detail?

*Edit: HI CAP! Lemme see what I can do.

*Edit2: Changes in blue bold, and in strike-outs.
Dear Brian,
It's been a long time since we heard from you. I hope you're doing well on your quest to become a paladin. And Though, I wish this letter would be a the bearer of good news. It isn't. Your mother is bedridden with a mortal terminal disease. She won't see the snow melt again. Please hurry back home, so she can rest her eyes on her firstborn one more time.


In this small RPG Maker 2000 game, you play as a run time package the RTP character, Brian. Your goal is a simple one. You need to get on the other end of mountains before the winter ends. Will you be able to accomplish your task?
This game is both about trying and letting go. Playing it should feel like a calming breeze. There are many things in our lives, which seem to be important for us, but are they really? Do you even want to finish this game? What is your motivation? And what if I won't let you?

I started the project to do some fine rtp RTP maps and to make something with my rtp RTP edits created for the RMNLYMPICS I had forgotton forgotten to submit. All these edits should be free to use, once I finish the game.

Features:
>RTP graphics
>MIDI music
>A minimalistic plot
>Meaningless battles
Cap_H
DIGITAL IDENTITY CRISIS
6428
Thanks, you're cool. This was lightning fast! With these changes I can resubmit the page.

I really should do something about my a/the insensivity.


Need some help here just a mess...

Lost Gamer


Vahn Cole


Nintendo on the verge of a breakthrough in virtual reality, discovers they created more than just a video game. But had turned there worlds into reality, Vahn a young man and video game enthusiast with friends discover there secret headquarters, buried inside a mountain. They discover that they had tried to hide the prototype so know one could ever harness the powers of multiple worlds, but to find out that one of its on creators has already devastated them, The prototype calls upon vahn, to help fight the evil corrupt creator an stop his rain of terror. An save there worlds.

This will be an episodic game.

First Chapter: Secrets of Another world

After vahn an his friends stumble upon an abandoned Nintendo headquarters,
inside they discover a secret prototype that was invented for the use of virtual
reality. Finding that the prototype is intelligent it asks vahn for aid.

Soon after the encounter vahn awakes in his bed confused if the events that
had happened or was it all a dream. He stumbles awake to realize he is late for
school.
Below is a short test intro!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnOCAvQTQyo

Link To video


Vahn Cloud New Chrono trigger style Cloud

Title Screen
Just a mess in the Dimensional room
Super Mario Overworld


Custom Attacks for all characters. break away from Battle Sets

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4SOePB-rqPQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=856PNXPpdMw&t=7s

Website also Still under Construction
https://editor.wix.com/html/editor/web/renderer/edit/e7a92c05-5b82-4924-aa3f-dfe7a696ce5e?editorSessionId=a1b46b43-dace-468f-a4b6-d5f42b43ac98&metaSiteId=62dc3a77-221d-4b35-9efc-5b2702aef7e9



Second chapter: Into the Void

As vahn is pursued by Agents, he then is driven back to the Nintendo Headquarters were he discovers more about the plot of the story. An is
tossed into a new world of universes.

Features:
-Every Character will have there own distinctive skills to there Person. according to rolls in previous games. An some EXTRA for fun :)
-Working on a menu system will post pictures as it progresses.
-Characters will be able to cross to other worlds. Only after the world is cleared an the plot Continues.
-Lots of side quest. Mini Games. Etc
-Special Character cameos appearances
-Interdenominational Room were you can see your party progress. an much more!
-Also almost ever character will be in a chrono style format. Check Picture bleow!









Marrend
Guardian Gorgon of the Description Thread
17654
Hrm. Maaaaaybe something like...

On the verge of a breakthrough of virtual reality gaming, Nintendo quickly discovers that their creation is more than just a game. Vahn, and his friends, discover their secret headquarters, buried in the mountains. They try to hide the prototype, only to find out that one of the creators of the prototype has beaten them to the punch, and is using the prototype for their own selfish purposes. The prototype calls out to Vahn, and asks for assistance in purging the corrupt creator, and save the worlds within it's data.

Summary of Episode 1 - Secrets of Another World
After Vahn an his friends stumble upon an abandoned Nintendo headquarters,
they discover a secret prototype that was invented for the use of virtual
reality. They find that the prototype is intelligent, as it asks for Vahn's help.

Soon after the encounter, Vahn awakes in his bed as normal. Was that all just a dream, or is he in the virtual reality?

Summary of Episode 2 - Into the Void
Vahn is pursued by Agents, and is is driven back to the Nintendo Headquarters. There, he learns more about the prototype, and is thrown into a new world.

Website
Currently under construction, the official website of this game can be found here.

Features
- Every character will each have thier own distinctive skills, according to their roles in previous games. Plus, a little something EXTRA for fun ;)
- Characters will be able to cross to other worlds. Only after a world is cleared will the plot be able to continue.
- Lots of side quests, mini-games, and other distractions from the main game.
- Special cameos appearances!
- Use the Interdimensional Room, where you can see your party progress, among other functions.
- Almost every character will be done in the Chrono Trigger style. Check the picture below!

...that? I'm not 100% sure about those videos, though. Obviously, update the message about the website when it becomes available.

Though, total aside, and this is probably just my own insanity, but, I must say, that subtitle given to Episode One? That takes me way back.
Hello. I need help with my description. I can't give much information about the story, so I want to know if this description transmit the understanding of the plot or I need improve it. Also the grammar issue. Thanks!

As a child, Sarah and her sister Fira found a strange door that led to a sword embedded in a stone.

Years later, Sarah finds herself in a dungeon, having to overcome the challenges of the place and prove to be the chosen one that will wield the mysterious blade.

Guide Sarah through the dungeon, explore the place, fight, solve puzzles.

Discover more about the sword. How did Sarah and Fira find it? How did Sarah get to the dungeon?

The Sword in the Stone is a rpg/puzzle game.

Features:
- On-map encounters.
- Simple narrative.
- Tradicional Rpg Maker combat.
- Length: 2 hours.
Marrend
Guardian Gorgon of the Description Thread
17654
A friendly reminder about posting links to gamepages when they have yet to be approved:

author=Marrend
I just want to reiterate that giving a link to a game profile that is not yet accepted will raise a 404 error (ie: the anti-climbing paint page).


That aside, I think something like...

As children, Sarah, and her sister Fira, found a strange door that led to a sword embedded in a stone. Many years later, Sarah finds herself in a dungeon, overcoming various challenges to prove if she is the the chosen one that will wield the mysterious blade.

Guide Sarah through the dungeon, explore it, fight monsters, and solve puzzles. Discover the mysteries of the sword. How did Sarah and Fira find it in the first place? How did Sarah get to this dungeon?


Made for the Twisted Fairy Tails event, Sword in the Stone is a take on the classic tale of King Arthur and the drawing of Excalibur, told in the format of a rpg/puzzle game.

Features:
- On-map encounters.
- Simple narrative.
- Traditional Rpg Maker combat.
- Length: 2 hours.


...that could work? Though, is Fira is with Sarah when she's in the dungeon after the time-skip? Could they be competing against each other for the right to wield the sword (which seems important to discuss), or is it a more cooperative adventure (maybe not as important, but nice to know)?
Hello Marrend. Thanks a lot for the help. Your improvements in description work very well.
About how the game works: Well, the player will control Sarah (only her) for the entire journey in the dungeon. The story is told little by little during the exploration of the dungeon through cutscenes. My goal is to intercalate the gameplay with the story (as Sarah came to this dungeon and finally what happens when she overcomes all the challenges).
Unfortunately the game is not for the Twisted Fairy Tails event. You are correct about the inspiration in Excalibur, but I do not intend to tell this tale. It's a simple story, more inspired by Master Sword (The Lengend of Zelda) lore.
Marrend
Guardian Gorgon of the Description Thread
17654
To be fair, it kinda sounded like it could have been made for Twisted Fairy Tails! I stand corrected on that point, of course.
hi I need help for my description ....




ABOUT CONVICTION

Story:

A forgotten legend says "The man who is recognized by the Elf,
could gain the power to change the world.."Three years ago, the Land of Elvis became stronger and gradually on the verge of collapse.
Empire Abyss claimed to instruct to escape others countries for the righteousness.


Features:

  • SLG fight with the big army, you can choose different mercenary fight for you Multiple ending.

  • The end story will change by player's selection.tionTwelve main characters in this game.

  • Forty careers to train your own character.



Trailer







Support Languages:

  • English

  • Japanese

  • Simplified Chinese

  • Traditional Chinese


Marrend
Guardian Gorgon of the Description Thread
17654
Outside of having no idea what "SLG" is (thanks, Google!), my take on this is something like...

The land of Elvis had always been strong. However, their society began to decline, and, as of three years ago, on the verge of collapse. There is a forgotten legend that says, "The man who is recognized by the Elf could gain the power to change the world." The Abyss Empire instructs the Elvin people to escape to others countries, though, some suspect that they are using this legend for their own "righteous" purpose.


Features:
-Simulated fights with large armies, and time-based resource/structure upgrades. Choose different mercenaries to fight for you.
-Multiple endings.
-Twelve main characters in this game.
-Forty careers to train your own character.

Supported Languages:
-English
-Japanese
-Simplified Chinese
-Traditional Chinese

...this. Though, I somewhat suspect that it should be "The land of Elves" and "Elven people", but, I could certainly be wrong.
thx for help!
and, yes , it means "The land of Elves".
Someone please help me about grammatical issues
introduce
This is a true story about me, I wanted to create a game, So I go to college the university, but during the time I could not learn about create a game. I did not even have the right job I had studied, so I decided left school and self-study about the game.

Game Title: OutSchool
Game genre: Role Playing
Gameplay style: Tactical, Open World, Mini Game
Game engine: RPG Maker MV
On Platform: Window, Linux, MacOS

Introduce
DANG wanted to have a recipe make a game. So he enrolled in college, during which time he realized that college was not able to teach him how to create a game. That is why he left school and joined in the SU NGHIEP team against the Process.

In prototype:
Part of the city in the southeast (city-SE)
The Temple, DUBI, DIT, Dormitory, Café and Shop.
Three types of enemies and one boss.


FEATURES SO FAR
The story is complete : The prologue

As I said in the devlog: This is a true story about me, talk about the process of college.
The plot I wrote too much can’t be completed in a short time. I decided to introduce the story from the day of college registration to the day of college admission

A huge map: currently available; CITY-SE size 6444x6444
Tactics battle system
Recipe system
Quest system
Game Time: 14 types of weather; rain, clouds, fog, wind, fallen leaves, 4 seasons, cycle time; day/ night.
There are over 2000 items divided into 12 categories: food, cake, key1, key2(hidden), drink, medicament, common, rare item, material, weapon, armor, ???
There are two mini game: Taxi and Waiter

PLANNED FEATURES
The plot must be complete : 8 episodes
The side quests by date and event
Complete the city map including (NE-NW-SW) total size a city map: 25776x25776, inside campus (DIT, USH, HSTN), additional grocery stores, the process center areas, the SU NGHIEP center, the mines to look for raw materials and more dungeon
The system traffic, the motorcycle and car will be active on the city map
Pet system include hunger, thirst, and fatigue. You can control a pet (When you are a Summon)
Design skills, animation, logic AI for the boss
Balancing the battle mechanism
Add more two mini games
Possible features: Expand the story to another game. It can make on unity 3d engine