LET'S WORK ON YOUR GAME DESCRIPTIONS!

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Thanks, however is the top text ok. oh the text I type before
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
author=redwall10
Thanks. However, is the top text ok?


"Top text"? What you do mean by this?
author=Marrend
aboveYou, I must wonder if the game would be accepted on this site even if the description was fixed up. I can't see the screenshots to say with more confidence. So, on the off-chance that it is acceptable, I'm thinking...

Ray Nighty wakes up with a case of amnesia in the infamous "Unknown Prison". A prison set aside for the most dangerous of criminals. He is forced, against his will, to participate in a card game tournament where the consequences of loosing depend on the gender of the contestant. Males are executed, while females have articles of clothing removed.

Should Ray win, and defeat the champion, he would be allowed to leave. Of course, this is no easy task, as the inmates of the "Unknown Prison" will use whatever tactics, legal or otherwise, to win themselves.

Features:
-Card collection: Build your deck by defeating your foes!
-Diverse strategies: Find your own combinations of abilities and characters!
-Meet cute fighters: Will you be distracted by the female contestants?


...something like this.



redwall, what I can get together right now looks a little something like...

March, 2050. Area mining facilities have become overrun by hoards of alien life known as Polands. You are the best hope of repelling the threat. A graduate of Ribbon Academy, your journey will consist of finding reports of unknown deaths, and restoring lost data.

Your ship serves as a headquarters that you can use to assess threats, recruit allies, and travel from place-to-place. You will need all the help you can get against the Polands, and their killing machines.


...this.

Thank you Marrend
I need help with my game description if anyone can help here it is.

Its been 15 years since the warriors of light restored the world back to
order from Chaos, the King's Retainer Auggie and his wife Sophia go on a journey
to save the world yet again from the clutches of evil a new enemy is in the midst,
The Evil King Drogan and his Court Mage Kafka have
resurrected garland back from the
dead.
As the king's retainer he and his wife Sophia trained
to become Onion Knights. Welcome to the world of Final Fantasy Dark Descent,
this is a fan made game based off my love for the Final
Fantasy games I encourage you to by the games made by
SQUARE-ENIX. I do not have the rights to any of the Final Fantasy Characters or Final fantasy title
that I am using all rights go to SQUARE-ENIX.
I will take this game down if asked by SQUARE-ENIX,
without any warnings to my fans. Thanks and Enjoy!
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
The #1 thing I'm finding awkward is the formatting of the text. I see no reason why the line breaks are where they are. If it was some kind of poetry, I'd be okay with it. That doesn't seem to be the intention here, though.

That aside, what I'm getting from that text would look something like...

It's been 15 years since the Warriors of Light saved the world from the grips of Chaos. Even so, rumors of Garland's resurrection are floating about. Trained as Onion Knights, it is up to the King's retainer, Auggie, and his wife, Sophia, to uncover the truth behind theses rumors.

This game is unabashedly a love letter to Final Fantasy, as a series, and more loosely to Square-Enix. Made by a fan, and for the fans.


...this? I don't feel a need for this game to speak of the possibility of a DCMA take-down. If you really want to include it, my suggestion is to do so if there is literally nothing else to talk about. The character count of my suggestion is 423, and the minimum number of characters is 500. So, you'd only need maybe another sentence or two of actual, relevant info.
It looks great Marrend thank you very much!
Hi Marrend! It's been a while. Could you help me to check this out too :

+++

SETTING

Set on a sky archipelago called Althandar, the pure-blood First Human who is now called as Skyrean, inhabit six nations that naturally hostile to one another. Diaclou with its Eisenclad Army is the only nation that remains neutral since it has complete control over the Elemantra Particles and doesn't need to triumph over industrialized powers.

STORY

Excessively afraid of the grave threats of human supremacy over the past centuries, the majority of Skyrean from Althandar decided to form an alliance with the Daegon Clan from Juheimhen in order to obliterate every single human ambassadors that was seen during the Kings Gathering in the Axis of the Three Worlds of Existence.

Without their champions, the humankind lost every hope to fight back. Their kingdoms fell and million people perished during the war for dominance. Those who survived the war being enslaved by the Skyrean, meanwhile, the demons from Juheimhen substitute themself in human's place to rule over the lands.

The story centers on Lucain, a member of Eisenclad Army's elite group that existed for the sole purpose of destroying the last remnants of human civilization. And the one who adamantly opposed the army, Maegarf.

+++

I deeply thank you for helping me with the game descriptions all this time. :)
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
Maybe something like...

Within the sky-archipelago of Althandar, lived a race of pure-blood first humans, called Skyrean. The last King's Gathering in the Axis of the Three Worlds of Existence gave the Skyrean a "reason" to form an alliance with the Daegon Clan to obliterate the "lesser" human species.

The resulting war was a lost cause. Kindgoms fell, and millions of people perished. What few that did survive were driven to slavery or worse, with the Deagon Clan and Skyrean placing themselves into more influential, ruling, positions.

The nation of Diaclou, with it's impressive industry and technology, was spared the expense of this war. In the interim, an elite force within it's Eisenclad Army, has become the hachet-men for the remnants of free humanity. This story centers on an officer of a contingent of that army, named Lucian, and Meagarf, who opposes it.


...this?
author=Marrend
Maybe something like...
...this?

Hello, thanks for fast response. :)
It's perfect except for a few things I want to make sure :

1. Within "it's" Eisenclad, or within "its" Eisenclad?

2. Daegon Clan is the clan that once ruled over the Demon World.
Would it be better to use "demons" instead of using the name of the clan?

-> ...gave the Skyrean a "reason" to form an alliance with the demons to obliterate the "lesser" human species.

3. I want to remove Maegarf's name there. And give Lucain a little confusion muddled the role-playing as a main character. Something like :

-> This story centers on an officer of a contingent of that army, named Lucain, who places himself somewhat squarely in justifying all reasons and motives, leading him to a vicious truth that has been concealed over the past centuries.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
1) Lemme go through some thought-cycles on this.

The Eisenclad Army belongs to the nation of Daiclou. So, in this case, we're not using "it's" as the contraction of "it is". The intent of the term is to denote the ownership/possession. So the term to use would be along the lines of his/hers/its/theirs.

Ya done got me good.

2) There are a few ways to relay that the Deagon Clan are demons. This...

...gave Skyrean a "reason" to form an alliance with the demons of the Daegon Clan"...

...would be one way. As would...

...gave Skyrean a "reason" to form an alliance with demons...

...this. It kinda depends on the makeup of the in-game universe. If the Deagon Clan is a singular clan of demons out of... however many there are, you could use the former example. You could also use "the Deagon Clan of demons" in this case as well. If the terms are effectively interchangeable, the latter could suffice.

3) I kinda think that needs to be broken up into multiple sentences, rather than just be one big one. That's half what I didn't like about your original text, to be honest. I dunno, maybe it's just me. Either way, I would suggest something more like...

This story centers on an officer of a contingent of that army, named Lucain. He has placed himself somewhat squarely in justifying all reasons and motives. This leads him to a vicious truth that has been concealed over the past centuries.

...this.

*Edit: On point #2, I want to add that if the terms "demon" and "Deagon Tribe" are interchangeable, you can probably use the original text, and have in-game references to the Deagon Tribe being demons. To wit, I've a game that uses "Korn Tribe" in this exact manner (if memory recalls correctly).
1) Ah, I see. Forgive me for my ignorance.
Thank you for enlightening me. :)

2) I think I'll use "the demons of the Daegon Tribe". It sounds really nice. :)

3) lol. yes, it's my bad habit, I tend to create sentences with lots of information. Bulking up everything (even the dialogue in-game) with unnecessary explanation.

So, the game description would be like...

Within the sky-archipelago of Althandar, lived a race of pure-blood first humans, called Skyrean. The last King's Gathering in the Axis of the Three Worlds of Existence gave the Skyrean a "reason" to form an alliance with the demons of the Daegon Tribe to obliterate the "lesser" human species.

The resulting war was a lost cause. Kingdoms fell, and millions of people perished. What few that did survive were driven to slavery or worse, with the demons and Skyrean placing themselves into more influential, ruling, positions. The nation of Diaclou, with it's impressive industry and technology, was spared the expense of this war. In the interim, an elite force within it's Eisenclad Army, has become the hachet-men for the remnants of free humanity.

This story centers on an officer of a contingent of that army, named Lucain. He has placed himself somewhat squarely in justifying all reasons and motives. This leads him to a vicious truth that has been concealed over the past centuries.

...this? Is it fine to merge the second and third line into one paragraph? *The resulting war was... & The nation of Diaclou...
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
First, you were right about using "its" rather than "it's". So, again, I apologize for not being clearer on that point.

Though, personally speaking, I wouldn't combine "The nation of Diaclou..." into the second paragraph. Let me try to be clear on this. In a pure, technical sense, what you have there works. The reference of "that army" would still point toward the Eisenclad Army. However, the thoughts are more closely related to each other than other the statements made.
author=Marrend
First, you were right about using "its" rather than "it's". So, again, I apologize for not being clearer on that point.

Though, personally speaking, I wouldn't combine "The nation of Diaclou..." into the second paragraph. Let me try to be clear on this. In a pure, technical sense, what you have there works. The reference of "that army" would still point toward the Eisenclad Army. However, the thoughts are more closely related to each other than other the statements made.


That's a plot twist! XD It's ok. It's just me fooling myself, I didn't read your post carefully. Thank you so much for helping me out with the game description, Marrend. It was such a mess, now it looks really great. :)
Know, then, that it is the year 7014 AGF. Even as the Eden System prepared in celebration of its anniversary, the terrifying Vojin empire is trying to take over the neutral planets of the Eden star system.
The day of their attack was set for the same date, as the coronation of Princess Lana, of the planet Zurai and heir to the throne. Her best chance of reclaiming her throne lies with the mercenary task force, "Iron Pegasus".

Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
This felt familiar to me, and not just because of the Dune reference.

My thinking is that we take the text that's on the gamepage, and revise it...

Know, then, that it is the year 7014. Even as the Eden System prepared in celebration of it's anniversary, the terrifying Vojin Empire arose to overthrow it's king, conquering neutral planets along the way. The day of their attack was the self-same as the coronation of Princess Lana, the heir to the throne. Her best chance of reclaiming her throne lies with the mercenary task force, "Iron Pegasus".


...a tad to compensate for the new/revised info. How's that sound?
That's way better thank you, yeah i like it.
I do not know if this is the appropriate place for this or not; but if its not please feel free to delete and move to tge correct thread/sub forum.

This is the very early and rough beginnings of my GDD. I'm still trying to find my identity and niche for the game and design philosophy. The main areas I need constructive critique and help on are pages 3, 5 and 6 for now. I would appreciate any input and help on things people can offer. Thank you. :)

https://rpgmaker.net/media/content/users/33307/locker/Lunaresque_GDDTemplate.docx
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
Mods can move threads, but not specific posts. We can redirect you to a more correct thread/subforum, though.

Saying that, I took a brief look a at your document. For full disclosure, I used Open Office, which can open Word documents, but maybe not documents made in more recent versions of Word. So, when I was looking at it, the formatting was off, but, I think I can manage.

However, even if I can guess/identify the pages you're pointing out (Page 3 is probably supposed to start with Section 1 - Game Analysis; Page 5 is probably supposed to be the character analysis of Jean DeReinhart; Page 6 probably starts the section on gameplay), all I'm finding myself doing with this document is responding with, "Okay. If that's what you want to do for/in the game, go for it."

Which probably isn't the kind of response you're looking for, granted. I guess I'm just massively confused by what, exactly, it is that you're seeking from this thread (or in general).
Hi, guys. Not "really" a game description However, I was trying to write an ending for my game. It should be in the form of pictures or scrolling text. After that text, the game is over. But I'm not so good at writing it in an epic style and I'm not sure if it sounds completely natural. (I think it's garbage by now xD)

It's a medieval game where you play the king of Traventor island. The text should give the player a good feeling at the end, like "Yes, I did it! This was ME!" Hard to explain... You may also rewrite it completely, add things, etc. I'm curious how good this one can become. Thanks for your help. :)

With one last and final blow, the armies of Traventor, led by the great king, finally succeeded in wiping out the last great enemy army. Strengthened and untamed, the kingdom defended the capital from further invaders. Little by little, the soldiers succeeded in driving out the last orcs and dwarves who had once torn the land from under their noses. The orcs retreated into the mountains and the dwarves finally left the island. Since the great invasion, barbarians have also been sighted very rarely. Since the power of dark magic was no longer strong on the island, the last undead and other magical creatures that threatened the people were finally wiped out. The economy flourished again and life returned to normal. Port Traventor once again became a safe island where harmony reigns. Under the merciful guidance of a great king.
Frogge
I wanna marry ALL the boys!! And Donna is a meanc
18536
author=Tw0Face
Hi, guys. Not "really" a game description However, I was trying to write an ending for my game. It should be in the form of pictures or scrolling text. After that text, the game is over. But I'm not so good at writing it in an epic style and I'm not sure if it sounds completely natural. (I think it's garbage by now xD)

It's a medieval game where you play the king of Traventor island. The text should give the player a good feeling at the end, like "Yes, I did it! This was ME!" Hard to explain... You may also rewrite it completely, add things, etc. I'm curious how good this one can become. Thanks for your help. :)

With one last and final blow, the armies of Traventor, led by the great king, finally succeeded in wiping out the last great enemy army. Strengthened and untamed, the kingdom defended the capital from further invaders. Little by little, the soldiers succeeded in driving out the last orcs and dwarves who had once torn the land from under their noses. The orcs retreated into the mountains and the dwarves finally left the island. Since the great invasion, barbarians have also been sighted very rarely. Since the power of dark magic was no longer strong on the island, the last undead and other magical creatures that threatened the people were finally wiped out. The economy flourished again and life returned to normal. Port Traventor once again became a safe island where harmony reigns. Under the merciful guidance of a great king.


That might actually be a lot better if you used show rather than tell to animate all that on maps with sprites, or at least animated that in the background with the text overlayed on top, but if you're doing a strategy game I'd understand why you can't do that, in which case it's probably fine.