LET'S WORK ON YOUR GAME DESCRIPTIONS!

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Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
I saw your post earlier, but, was in the middle of a bunch of other stuffs.

There is certainly something to be said of the "Show, don't tell" method of storytelling that is worthy of consideration. Saying that, one idea that might follow a purely text method of denouement is to reveal that the game's a story that's being told by a grandparent, a teacher, or other similar figure.

If there is one minor nitpick of the text at hand that I noticed, it's that the last two sentences could probably be combined.

Port Traventor once again became a safe island where harmony reigns, under the merciful guidance of a great king.

author=Marrend
There is certainly something to be said of the "Show, don't tell" method of storytelling that is worthy of consideration. Saying that, one idea that might follow a purely text method of denouement is to reveal that the game's a story that's being told by a grandparent, a teacher, or other similar figure

You're veeeery close to the truth, Marrend. :D The game takes place in a book that someone (you, the player) is reading. So this text would be something like "the last side of the book" right before the book is shut and the game ends.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
What you have there feels more like a stream-of-consciousness. Which is to say that you wrote your ideas down as you thought them up. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing at the offset of game development, but certainly isn't attractive as a description for your game.

For example...

No introduction for purgatory Satan The 2nd knows all a rival to the “Massle” but this story has nothing to do with Satan The 2nd.

...look at this sentence. Not only is it hard to read because of the grammar issues, but, it's a question of if players really need to know this info, if Satan II has nothing to do with anything in the game anyway.

Let's look at the rest of your story section.

As you get up from what appears to be your deathbed a loud tone emanates from a computer. you walk up to check the machine. a survey appears asking for your name and location you answer honestly and a message appears. “Your package will arrive soon at your location in a few days”. You look out the window and look out on the large cluster of unknown maze-like cities below. You wait for the package and hear a doorbell. You start opening the door revealing a man in a traditional postage uniform. The mysterious man gave you a box fit for a book and you shut the door. Opening the package reveals that it is in fact obviously a book but it’s titled “Elstagus dictourus”.

You put the book in your backpack and exit the strange room to a large set of blue hallways.

Personally speaking, I would suggest something more to the effect of...

A loud tone emanates from your computer, awaking you from an otherwise peaceful sleep. The notification was from a survey. Still mostly asleep, you answer honesty, and another notification tones, saying that a package will arrive soon in a few days.

You look out a window, surveying the urban jungle before you. Before you know it, the doorbell rings. The package has been delivered. You open it, and find a book, Elstagus Dictourus. You put it in your backpack, and leave the room, only to find an unfamiliar set of large, blue hallways.

...this, but, that's just me. As for your other section...

essentially an over the top shit post that went out of hand based on my love for old PC games. staring disgusting beings that roam the afterlife. each area containing weird shopkeepers and such. within the deprecated halls hold more halls designed for madness.

gameplay is overhead traditional rpg affair. with weak encounters rng and tougher encounters on the world map. instead of controlling multiple party members the player controls one person with each attack attached to each limb. Also the game is completely open world with each area able to be completed in any order.

...it can definitely be cleaned up...

This game started as, essentially, an over-the-top shit post that went out of hand, based on my love for old PC games. Staring with disgusting beings that roam the afterlife, each area contains weird shopkeepers and such. Within the deprecated halls, hold more halls designed for madness.

The gameplay is an overhead traditional RPG affair, with weak encounters, RNG, and tougher encounters on the world map. Instead of controlling multiple party members the player controls one person with actions associated to each limb. Also, the game is completely open world with each area able to be completed in any order.

...a tad.
(First game)
Mike set off on a strange and deadly mission to find his friend Billy.

On his travels he must overcome ghosts, criminals, mantises, cultists, weird giant lizards (totally not a swamptrogg), memes, knights, meta jokes, blood, and stupid rodents.

A recreation of the original demo of Blood Inside Me now transformed as a what if Space Funeral title.

Arrow keys walk, Z interacts, X opens menu, standalone download.

Please play thank you!

Follow the Developments of the original game here by Redcoolhax1337
https://gamejolt.com/games/BIM/377121

(Second game)
The sickness follows the "misadventures" of Crescent, the only heir to the vampire throne and goth with BPD as she embarks on a journey to escape a strange apocalyptic event that has infested her world, your task is to survive and start a new, the events take place after the death everyone's most beloved hero from the kingdom of Space Funeral: Phillip, could all this have happened because of his absence? Will Crescent be able to survive the rule of the mysterious ? Or will she give up and die just like the rest?
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
Suggestion for first description...

Mike sets off on a strange and deadly mission to find his friend, Billy. Along the way, he must overcome ghosts, criminals, mantises, cultists, weird giant lizards (totally not swamptroggs), memes, knights, meta-jokes, and stupid rodents.

This is a recreation of the original Blood Inside Me, transformed into a "what if" scenario of Space Funeral. If you enjoy this title, please follow the original game, by Redcoolhax1337, on it's gamejolt page!

Suggestion for second description:
After the death of Phillip (of Space Funeral fame), the world has decayed and atrophied to the point of an apocalypse. Perhaps the world, itself, morns for Phillip's death?

As Crescent, the only heir to the vampiric throne, you journey to escape the impending threat. Can you survive, despite the rule of a mysterious individual, and perhaps start anew? Or will you simply be a number to tally on the steadily rising death toll?

I'll note that my suggestion for the first description's character-count is 554, if you include the formatting tags. Without them, it's more like 451. On a similar note, the second description has a character count of 478 with the formatting tags, and 430 without. It might behoove you to include maybe another sentence of info in either description, if you decide to go with these suggestions.

I'm not 100% sure where I'm going with this, but, my thoughts on expanding on what you have relates to how they both reference Space Funeral. That could, by itself, set certain expectations for the game, and how weird and/or trippy things can be. I may have the benefit of having played Space Funeral (though I never finished it), and might have said expectations. However, I have no idea how well-known Space Funeral actually is.
Thanks for the suggestions, I kind of used the descriptions similar to how I put them in the gamejolt pages but I see that it leaves a lot of info out, I ended up changing them to something like this:

(First Game)
Mike set off on a strange and deadly mission to find his friend Billy, on his travels he must overcome: Ghosts, criminals, mantises, cultists, weird giant lizards (totally not a swamptrogg), memes, knights, meta jokes, blood, and a stupid all powerful rodents before he can find him, will he be able to find Billy in time? (Spoilers, yes he will.)

This is an expansion of the original demo of Blood Inside Me transformed into a "what if" Space Funeral game; it's a fairly short adventure consisting of 4 areas: Villageville, The forest of DEATH, Lizardon's lair, and Rhok, it mainly expands on the original with new battler art, space funeral chipset, and the integration of the "Mystery" command in the game, it plays like a typical Space Funeral fan game.

If you enjoy this game, please follow the original, by Redcoolhax1337, on his gamejolt page!

(Second Game)
The land of Space Funeral has been infected by a strange apocalyptic disease known as "The sickness", as Crescent, the last remaining vampire, you look for a way to escape the massacre and possibly start a new life by reaching "The Boundaries of the universe", your mission will not be easy for the tyrannical new ruler of the land will try to take you down, will you be able to escape the disease, or will you give up hope and DIE?

The game is a fan continuation of the series focusing in a future where Phillip, the main protagonist of Space Funeral, is dead, and how the land has been taken by a new artist even worse than Moon. It uses the original game's assets along with new ones and a different soundtrack for darker take on the game series.

The gameplay is similar to other space funeral fan projects with some changes regarding the "Mystery" command being more limited in outcomes, enemies being more difficult, and a greater focus on exploration and puzzles compared to the original game.

-
I didn't want to put too much enfasis on the plot description of the second game when it comes to Phillip since he's not in the game at all, he's not referenced by name at least. Hope these descriptions fair better than the old ones.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
These descriptions seem a bit better to me. I was wondering, though, if the original Blood Inside Me could be of any use for some kind of setting context in relation to your first game. Suffice it to say, it's description on it's gamejolt page...

Originally called Space Funeral X: Blood and Bones. Blood Inside Me (AKA BIM) is an RPG featuring Mike, a living bad animation who's actually a satanic god. He goes around pummeling random creatures for no apparent reason or goal.

...well, let's just say it would not fly on RMN! I'm not sure if that game is a tribute to Space Funeral, or a straight-up fan-game. If I just had that description to go off of, my guess wouldn't have much better chances than a coin flip. However, given your game's description, I'm more inclined to say that BIM might be a tribute to Space Funeral, rather than a fan-game.


Still, perhaps we can simplify the setting a touch.

This is an expansion of the original demo of Blood Inside Me, transformed into a "what if" Space Funeral game. It's a fairly short adventure consisting of 4 areas, it mainly expands on the original with new battler art, the Space Funeral chipset, and the integration of the "Mystery" command in the game. Fans of Space Funeral should feel right at home!

My thoughts are that specifying the locations might not be 100% necessary here. We can let players learn about them either by playing your game, or having context through playing (or having played) the original BIM.


At this time, I have no additional suggestions for the second game. However, as an overall observation, I would highly recommend putting game titles in italics. Though, saying that, I'm not 100% positive that putting them in quotes is entirely wrong. Just that italics is "more correct"?
The main reason I added the locations was because of a different description that listed the plot, assets, and gameplay (which included how the game was divided)
I kind of took as a base so I think I might of assumed I pretty much had to put what areas you'd have to go trough, but if it is not necessary then I'll make that last edit not to spoil the areas, thanks again.

Also just in case you were curious about BIM
The original BIM is indeed supposed to be it's own thing, which is why SF:X is more like an extension and re-imagination of the original's demo, for contrast the original uses stock rpgmaker2003 assets aside of a few other sprites for Mike and Billy and the maps are really really small, it is also extremely short and pretty much can be finished in around 15 minutes (most of it is just grinding), But I kind of liked a lot of the jokes about Mike being a wonky satanic god which is why I made this version with permission of the creator.
The message got double posted for some reason.
The world government has started to collect tax money to create dark energy crystals to revive an old deadly sorcerer in secret to put everyone under a deep sleep of mind control now the people of the land do not know who they are and is seeking a hero to restore their minds too were they once where, you are a young peasant wonderer that found out something that he should not have now he is in danger and has to fight to stop, this dark shadow over the land with the help of unknown strangers, so you're story begins
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
redwall, I swear, this is, like, the third or fourth post in a row that I've seen from you that has no gamepage that I can associate with it. I'm not saying people need gamepages to post here. All I'm saying is, it feels more than a little awkward to help somebody who seems to have no intention of submitting their game here in the first place.

That said, here's my crazy take.

The government of the world has put forth massive sums of money to the research of Dark Crystals. The purpose behind this research was to revive a sorcerer that was said to be able to control minds. Taxes were raised for more beneficial purposes on the outside, but, on the inside, that money was funneled discreetly into the project.

The project met with massive success. The sorcerer made it so that the people no longer knew who they were, or what was done to them. There were some stragglers that remained unaffected by the tragic affair, but had very little morale, much less other useful resources with which to fight against the sorcerer. If they had but a hero, symbol to rally their forces together, perhaps, they might just have a prayer.

You are little more than a peasant wanderer. A vagrant that takes up whatever jobs that are needed. On one such job, you learn something that you should not have, and become a threat to the established order. Thus, you join the rebellion, and fight to stop the dark shadow that reaches across the lands with them.

I'd like to write a thrilling description text for my game. I have prepared something, but I'm not yet satisfied with it. Maybe someone would like to help me to revise the text accordingly.

Port Traventor is in danger. Everywhere in the country orcs, barbarians and dwarves appear, sabotage the economy and attack the inhabitants. It's up to you to restore peace to the land. That is your task, for you are the king.

As the king of the country, you explore the thrilling and colourful world of Port Traventor
- Defend the capital against approaching hordes, generate villagers and save your people from the claws of the enemy.
- Find numerous hidden items and treasures around the world and complete a variety of quests to unlock new areas.
Build up the economy of the country and increase the reputation of your kingdom
- Create many different buildings such as sawmills, quarries, ore mines and refineries to bolster your resource production.
- Train villagers as workers and let them mine resources such as lumber, stone, ore and iron.
- Equip your workers with sickles, axes, pickaxes and hammers.

Fight the sinister creatures that plague Port Traventor
- Go into battle against orcs, dwarves, barbarians, undead, sirens and renegade elves. Show the enemy your superiority and reach the highest battle rank S.
- Use physical attacks or numerous magic skills in a varied turn-based combat system.
- Search the world for teachers who can teach you various passive skills that will increase your loot in battle.
- Collect gold and purchase various items or weapons such as helmets, shields or armor from merchants to improve your stats and receive useful bonuses.

Form up your army
- Build a watchtower and get ready for the big war.
- Train villagers to be archers, knights and warriors.
- Go into battle against the enemy armies and clean Port Traventor from evil.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
I actually think it doesn't need too much revision. Maybe...

Port Traventor is in danger! Plagued by orcs, barbarians, and dwarves that sabotage it's economy, the city needs a true king to rise to the occasion! Would it be that you are such a king?

Your tasks would include:
  • Defending the capital from the invading hordes
Go into battle against orcs, dwarves, barbarians, undead, sirens and renegade elves. Show the enemy your superiority and reach the highest battle rank S.
Train villagers to be archers, knights and warriors.
Build a watchtower and get ready for the big war.
Utilize various skills in varied turn-based combat.
  • Acquire, or find, various items and treasures that unlock new lands to explore
Search the world for teachers who can teach you various passive skills that will increase your loot in battle.
Collect gold and purchase various items or weapons such as helmets, shields or armor from merchants to improve your stats and receive useful bonuses.
  • Rebuild the economy and bolster the reputation of the kingdom
Create many different buildings such as sawmills, quarries, ore mines and refineries to bolster your resource production.
Train villagers as workers and let them mine resources such as lumber, stone, ore and iron.
Equip your workers with sickles, axes, pickaxes and hammers.

...this? I kind alike this breakdown/organization better, but, that might just be me.

*Edit: Made the main categories bolded as per the original text and to fix the line-breaks made via the list-tag.
That's hella nice, Marrend. Thanks a lot. :)
I need help on a description for my game.

I am trying to get my demo up, but they don't like my wording..


-----
Descend upon planet Earthia reborn for a surreal journey with the help of tag-along friends to stop monstrous forces seeking to bring fourth an apocalyptic ruling.
-----
Wake up dead as a spirit in Zero-Space-Realm with no memories of your identity as
you come across an Angel calling herself Zaiden.
She tests your power setting you upon a mysterious quest. You must take down an evil demon-king atop a very-high mountain tower reaching the heavens.
Upon descending the planet Earthia, you're left atop an ocean-side hilltop.

You walk across the land entering your first village filled with inhabitants.
You are then followed by a strange sword-smith girl who's race is
called: Sky-head upon this world.
You discover strange things as you descend further into the land.
Later on, you become involved in things that seem ridiculous by nature at first, yet, the more people forcing themselves into your party the better, while advancing the cause.
The further you go the more surreal the world gets as strangest of secrets become unveiled.

A tyrannical royal government military force calling itself the
Shadow Knight Empire, is after you and your friends as take off on the run of your life with both the sword-smith girl and the sassy stole away Elf girl.

You began to realize the journey just to take down a demon-king is covered in an array of bizarre unusual conspiracies as well as some very dark beings which begin organizing attempts, to take you down.

Terrifying secrets lye behind this light-heart fantasy world disguised as a forgotten & apocalyptic history..

Everything you think you know miles-away, you're drastically wrong.
Every coming concern takes the most surreal, chilling- turns as foreboding of aspects become more urgent later on.

-Do not be fooled by this innocent fantasy world with comic- relief,
as it's people seem normal at first.

But things are not as they seem.
The world itself, hides a history a lot darker, a lot more mysterious than realized.

-----
This is a very early unreleased Isekai game before Isekai became more well known later on. The game began development back in 2006-2007-2012 to now 2020.
This game is that old & never before released..
This has been long lost project still in development this day.

-----
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
Well, the grammar can certainly use some work. Also, I think you're putting in too much information. It's like the description is telling people what's going on in the game without them even playing it. Limit the description to the important points that players need to know right away, grab their attention, and let the act of playing the game do the rest.

In so saying, the kind of thing I would suggest would look a little something like...

You awaken in Zero Space Realm as a dead spirit, and a curious case of amnesia. Who were you? Where, or what, is this place?

You soon find that you've been under the care of an Angel-like being calling herself Zaiden. When you meet her, she proceeds to test your capabilities. When the test concludes, she tasks you to defeat the devil-king that is terrorizing the world of Earthia.

Your journey will entail encountering fantastic locations, strange peoples, and secrets more terrifying than the monsters you'll face. Now! Descend upon Earthia! Be reborn into a surreal journey! With the help of tag-along friends, stop the monstrous forces seeking to bring fourth an apocalyptic ruling!

Personal aside:
This game is an "isekai" game. Or, a situation where an otherwise normal person finds themselves in a fantasy world through some means. It's been under development on and off since 2002, and is very much an ongoing process.

...this.
Ok thank you.*

I will use that then.
\0~0

I am trying really hard to get this demo up, so some of my friends can download and play my game seeing it has a page.
The world
Along time ago before space and time existed two gods the goddess of life velfaiz and the god of Darkness Othos
They lived in harmony untill one day the goddess creatded life this was blasphamus to othos thus a great war started. the goddes along with her first borne creations humens,orcs,vijin,and vorfvs, where first overwelmed nut she gave them a gift known as the gaia gear to fight back othos and his armor of dark shades in the end the goddess sacrifised her self to seal him away and pice was returned to the eden system but for how long.