FIRST TIME GAMERS

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Ever watched with horror as someone played a game for the first time and just messed up so, so badly? Let's share these little anecdotes of hilarity.




Okay, so I just watched my brother play Fallout 3 for the first time. It's his first time playing a game like that so he had no idea what he was doing. At all. He usually only plays either shmups, Terraria or jRPGs, thus he had no idea. No fucking idea at all. It was hilarious. Below are the chat logs that I was sharing with friends as it was happening.



His first mistake? Putting ALL his points into strength. All of them. Every one of them. Dear god. It was hilarious while it lasted.

He made it through the introduction just fine - had a little trouble with the roaches but managed to get out alive. Barely. But barely is still alive.

He then decided to explore instead of visit Megaton. Best idea. I at least got him to save his game outside of Megaton "Just in case." A very good idea, because he ran into a little ant problem.

"What's that? What's that? IS THAT A GIANT COCKROACH!!! Oh, it's an ant. IT SPIT FIRE AT ME HELP IM ON FIRE HOW DO I SHOOT!!"
and then he died
"Was I supposed to save? Why am I all the way back here? Did the ants follow me? Ooooh, what's that?! WHY IS THIS DOG HURTING ME I JUST WANTED TO PAT YOU DIE YOU BASTARD!"
"Oh, I'm dead again. Where's my gun?"
:shoots all ammo for testing purposes:
"Ha, they won't kill me now!"
*** Liberty facepalms as he runs into another ant and died ***

he died again
then spent all his money on a gun he has no ammo for - selling all his items for it
and skipped past the prompt to blow up the town because he thinks it's like a shmup

and now i'm leading him to the supermarket
"You can get good loot there, don't worry."
:DDDD
serves him right for not listening
"This is the way to the ants"
"no, bro, it's near there but not quite"
"if there are ants I'm running"
fair enough
"Look in the bin"
"ew no"
"dude... look in the fucking bin"
"it's jsut a bin!"
he's used to shmups and jrpgs
he should know that looking in stuff is always a good idea
...he looked in the bin and found some stuff
"why do I need this is there crafting? there's crafting?! I love crafting!"
he loves crafting

serves him right since he wouldn't listen when I told him not to
so I'm tellin ghim to go to the supermarket
after that, the school~
XD
"is that a school?"
yes, brother. yes it is
"COOL. Bet there's tons of stuff in there!"
maybe I should let him just go in there?
he'll get wrecked
it'll be great
"What the shit?!"
first corpse
XDDD
"Are there gonna be bad guys in here?"
yes bro. yes there are
and it will be wonderful
"Hey, can I talk to that guy?"
no, bro, no you can't
boom, dead bro
it was wonderful
"Those school kids are really mean!"
XDDD


he didn't save at all
so he's got all his stuff back from the last save
this time he might listen to me
maybe

"I want their weapons. Can I loot their bodies?"
"You have to kill them first bro"
"I like this Moira chick"
omg
he has to be the ONLY one
most people afaik hate her
or at least find her very annoying

"Can I shoot that guy?"
"uh... sure?"
kills the sherrif
saves straight after
half of town running after him
omg
bro
why
why bro why
he's dead again
and he saved over his last save
meaning he's pissed off the town
and running for his life
XD

oh god
this is hilarious
"WHY DO THEY HATE ME?"
gee, I wonder
:/
he might need to restart
oh god, he got out

and punched the trader

now he's being chased by him as well
to be fair, he was beating back some of the residents and the trader was in the way
it was an accident


it's brilliant
he's begging me to help him find another town
he's gonna have fun getting to the next area
he didn't manage to purchase any stimpacks
or ammo
or anything
before killing the sherrif
"THere's a city. I bet I can find a shop there"
bro, no
no, bro
don't do that
oh dear lord

he ran into another ant
he ded
and back in town
XDDD
with the townies chasing him again
XDDD
this is gold

"WHYYYYYYYYYY"
wow, one of the townies head-shot him
ouch
and respawn to townies chasing him
XDDD
run bro run!
he made it!
and this time he didn't punch the trader!
"HOW DO I SAVE?!"

aaaaand he's heading back to the school
brother no
why
he ran out with only a few bars of health left
and is blaming me for not telling him it was hard

oh god, he ran into a rabid dog
annnnd he's dead
at least he's not respawned back in town again, though
yay, he found the map!
he's heading to the nearest town
it's the cannibal town
oh this should be fun~
oh god
he's hiding behind every rock
and creeping around
it's gonna take him forever to get there
XD
"HEY THERE'S A ROBOT!!!"
brother, no
no, brother no
keep creeping
...oh ffs
he's shooting at it >.<;

"IF I KILL IT CAN I USE IT FOR CRAFTING?!"
him and his fucking crafting
oh, he used a grenade and managed to kill it
huzzah! level up!
he put all his points into big guns
he doesn't have any big guns
the way he's playing he's never going to get a big gun
orz
oh god
he's picking up empty bottles
"they're worth a cap!"
brother... no
please

he doesn't even have a home
and he killed the guy who'd give him one
this is great

ah
oh fucking hell
*** Liberty facepalms ***
he found the fast-travel
...and travelled back to Megaton
where everyone wants to kill him
"hey, look! I can go here!"
"wait!... :SIGH:"
"WHY AM I BACK HERE?!"
i fuckin wonder
:/

he reloaded from his last save which was about halfway to cannibal town
at least he's learned to save
"Why am I out of bullets?!"
because you fire at anything that moves
"THERE'S A TOWN!!!"
yes
yes brother there is
:DDDDD
huehuehue
"SHould I shoot the little girl?"
"Save first."
"Good idea."
well, she was bound to get shot at least once this playthrough


and now he's screaming incoherently at the father and neighbours who are stabbing him and shooting him

"So I don't shoot the little girl this time."
smart thinking bro
smart thinking
...he just stole in front of the father

aaand out come the guns

"THIS GAME IS SHIT"
"WHY ARE THEY KILLING ME AGAIN"
"FINAL FANTASY DOESN'T KILL YOU FOR FINDING ITEMS!"
o brother, dear brother
"I HATE THIS GAME"

he's trying to kill everyone
this is great
comedy gold
he's getting owned by an old man wiht a baseball bat and a house wife with a knife
XD
"Do you want me to play for you?"
"NO. IM GOING TO GO PLAY TERRARIA! AT LEAST LITTLE GIRLS DONT TRY TO KILL ME THERE!?!"
aw
butthurt bro
I even had it on easy setting
:/



Haha, I get he's new to the genre, but some of this stuff defies common logic if he has played JRPGs. Neglecting all of his stats in favor of strength? Not knowing how to spend his cash? Those are no-nos in RPGs as well.
True, but he plays ones where you don't manage your stats - the strongest sword and armour and grind til you level up. >.<;
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
That transcript saddens me more than it entertains. Like, the poor guy isn't actually learning from his mistakes at all.
My brother playing Terraria was fun - he built a base out of glass that was a >200 foot tall glass tower with a throne room on top. He was even savvy enough to beat the Wall of Flesh without an arena! (And yes, I didn't give him any hints whatsoever in taking it on)

It was so sad to see him hate the game now that he entered hard mode - I hate the beginning as well, even if I know how to handle it as the game frontloads you with an insane amount of changes no one could anticipate and which require actions that isn't even alluded to in the game...
Corfaisus
"It's frustrating because - as much as Corf is otherwise an irredeemable person - his 2k/3 mapping is on point." ~ psy_wombats
7874
The first time I played Morrowind was a real culture shock because I had to use the left joystick to move and the right joystick to turn. Almost never made it off the ship. Now my XBox Argonian is a force to be reckoned with (I'd share stats/equip, but I'm not going through the trouble of plugging it in and firing it up just for that. Suffice to say, best equipment and level 76 IIRC).

I recently bought it for PC during a Steam sale to relive the magic.
Anyone who knows me knows that FF9 is like my fav game ever. I have the way to play it down to a science (GRIND AP TO LEARN EVERY SKILL / GET CHOCOGRAPHS AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE / USE THE LIMIT GLOVE TRICK TO BOOST UP TO LEVEL 25-30 BEFORE GOING TO BURMECIA).

My little sister recently started playing it and they did eVERYTHING WRONG. LITERALLY EVERYTHING WRONG. It got to the point where I took over for an hour and just ground them out some levels/skills because it was too painful to watch. OTL

They then proceeded to get to the Iifa Tree and tried to grind a little "just in case". NO, SIS, THE IIFA TREE IS THE MOST PEANUTS DUNGEON YOU HAVE LIFE AND FIRA AT THAT POINT AUUUGGGGGGHHHHH ALSO U R LEVEL 30

i love them but gdi
I remember when my brother brought over his friends a couple of years back and played Halo 2 on his Xbox 360 online and that they needed another player to do some team battles and they grabbed me because one of the other guys needed to take a break. Now, I hadn’t had played a first person shooter game in years at that point in time, not since Perfect Dark for the N64 - but I decided to go along and play anyway…

Yeaahh…I wasn’t very good that day… But I can’t blame myself that much, considering this was my first time playing a Halo game and I was playing against a bunch of regulars online, so I can’t beat myself up too much for how I did - but, man, was I helpless! I couldn’t literally do anything other than just get shot repeatedly and die. Eventually my main strategy (which ended up getting me my only two kills in the game) was to play the role of a suicide bomber and just run around with a grenade in my hand hoping that I would manage to kill someone and not my own teammates out of complete stupidity (‘cause that happened a couple of times).

I think the biggest blow to my self-esteem was when someone online was talking out loud saying something like, “WTF is wrong with you, man? This one guy on your team is, like, super pathetic, or something.” (Ouch, dude, you don't have to be so mean.)

Oh, and I remember the first time that my dad tried to play Super Smash Bros. Melee and I was teaching him a little about the basics with Link. The guy would just keep spamming buttons like crazy, and every time that he walked off the stage under his own power he wouldn’t be able to get back up again and wouldn’t use the Up B to recover back on stage. Eventually he started to get better the more that he played on his own, but those first fifteen minutes were incredibly hilarious.
I was playing Quake III: Arena with friends one faithful day, and I was trying to rocket jump onto a ledge on Temple of Retribution. It was a heated battle, so right as I tried doing so, I noticed that my health was really low, so I ended up killing about two of the people I was battling with, completely unintentionally.

It's simple, but the reactions we all had made it hysterical.
Solitayre
Circumstance penalty for being the bard.
18257
Watching my nephew try to play Mario is as frustrating as it is adorable.

I made levels for him in SMBX but he always wants me to make them easier for him.
First timer playing FF7

Oh hey cool a train
Oh crap stuff is happening woah too fast
Okay where do I go
no really where do I go
*doesn't figure out how to leave the first map*
*never returns to FF7*
Porkate42
Goes inactive at least every 2 weeks
1869
My brothers first game was GTA.
...I believe he was 6 when he played it.
Sooz
They told me I was mad when I said I was going to create a spidertable. Who’s laughing now!!!
5354
I died to zomzoms in Symphony of the Night.

Before Death stole all of Alucard's bling.
Isrieri
"My father told me this would happen."
6155
I have an uncanny ability to fall down one-tile holes. Two tiles or wider? I usually clear those. One tile? Like a lead safe in a swamp.

It is hilarious trying to watch me play an FPS. The most fun I've had with one was Halo Reach. Made a game type called Soviet Grunts. Now THAT was entertainment. So many grenades~

EDIT: Okay just saying its hilarious isn't enough, here's a funny story from when me and my bud was playing co-op:

We were in the middle of a firefight match and he was being tactical and practical, being a fan of Halo at the time, and I was just kind of picking things off from a distance or rushing into the thick of it to chuck grenades at the bad guy. This was still in the golden age when FPSs weren't super realistic and you could charge into the foe without being shot to hell. It was fun.

Well I tossed a sticky onto a Brute, and was immediately surrounded by two others, and they all stuck me with grenades at the same time. The ensuing succession of explosions set me flying across the map like a helicopter and I really wish we caught that on film.

Another time we were trying to deal with a bunch of Hunters (big scary hard-hitters) in a game type where we had camouflage that made us hard to see, but the enemy could still hear us and we didn't have shields, thus super vulnerable. Well I spied this hunter and thought I'd go into stealth mode to sneak up on it.

So I crouch down and inch my way over.

So carefully. Very slightly. A little bit at the time.

He didn't move from his spot. He turned his head back behind him for a sec but didn't do anything and kept looking around. I tried to get behind him and stab him in the back.

This Hunter whips right around - and I mean he brought his giant fist over his head while spinning 180 degrees, and crushes me like a bug. Didn't even have to move. That sneaky sonovabitch.

Needless to say, I'm the only one stupid enough to try and actually sneak up on enemies in a game that is the opposite of sneaky-sneaky stabby-stabby. So I did not hear the end of it for quite a while. Good times.


I feel like I've told that story on this forum before. Deja vu?
LockeZ
I'd really like to get rid of LockeZ. His play style is way too unpredictable. He's always like this too. If he ran a country, he'd just kill and imprison people at random until crime stopped.
5958
I like to get my 60 year old dad to play video games. It's frustrating because every time he picks up the game he has completely forgotten 100% of what happenen before, how to play, what the controls are, what genre the game is, and what it's even called. I mean the second or third time he plays a game, I get it. But when he's sixty hours into Ocarina of Time and turns the game on and doesn't remember that he can use items or what any of them do or how to lock onto enemies or how to beat a skulltula, I want to gently strangle him. He beat the game without ever knowing what the ocarina was or how to play it, every time he got to a place that required it he would just get stuck and ask me what to do. When Sheik showed up for the final time right before Ganon's Castle and revealed that she was really Princess Zelda, he thought Sheik was a new character, and also didn't know Zelda was the name of the princess. But it was okay because by the time he made it into the dungeon, he'd forgotten that the scene ever happened. Every time he plays a game it's like he's a first-time gamer all over again.

He also has absolutely zero patience for figuring out where to go. If the game gives him an objective tracker he will make a bee-line for it, skipping every treasure chest and talking to no one. If it doesn't he will get very quickly frustrated and turn the game off. He... really liked Final Fantasy 13 a lot.
Solitayre
Circumstance penalty for being the bard.
18257
author=LockeZ
He also has absolutely zero patience for figuring out where to go. If the game gives him an objective tracker he will make a bee-line for it, skipping every treasure chest and talking to no one. If it doesn't he will get very quickly frustrated and turn the game off. He... really liked Final Fantasy 13 a lot.


I've been wondering for a while what Square's target demographic has been lately. I wouldn't have guessed that it was impatient sixty year old dads.
author=Solitayre
I made levels for him in SMBX but he always wants me to make them easier for him.
make it easier? BAH. back in my day we had to walk uphill both ways in the SNOW to get to the end of levels, don't you know? these kids these days, they think they're entitled to check points and autosaves and level skips just because the technology can make that so, but you know what? these things are for WEAKLINGS, that's what they're for. i remember when i was a young thing -- and i used to be very handsome, mind you, but that was years ago now -- games were about hard work and perseverance, not short cuts. kids these days are what's wrong with games! they want it easy! what do you mean i said that already? don't tell me what i already know, whippersnapper! why back in my day people had respect for their elders! i used to ask mine for HELP playing video games, rather than demanding they make it easier. you kids and your play station 4s and xbox ones and your super computers that can run fancy graphics. another thing about the graphics: we used to make due with a few pixels, don't you know? that was good enough for us, that plus the challenge! kids these days.



This is one of the things Game Center CX is about: A middle aged Japanese comedian trying to beat old games ranging from the NES to N64 generations! He isn't very good but he makes up with sheer tenacity (and sometimes some help from his crew). There are some games that he plays that he played years prior but besides one or two insights it never helps any. It's a great show.

(you should go to SA GCCX and grab episode 19 in season 3, Milon's Secret Castle, if you never watched it before. I think it's a great starter episode that's easily available and high quality.)
author=Solitayre
Watching my nephew try to play Mario is as frustrating as it is adorable.

I made levels for him in SMBX but he always wants me to make them easier for him.


The trick is to make the level look much harder than they actually are.
Ratty524
The 524 is for 524 Stone Crabs
12986
I let the son of one of my family friends play Super Mario 64. It was pretty much the first console game he's ever played.

He jumped around in the hub world for a bit, jumped against a wall and fell to the ground (without actually dying). Then he said to me in his squeaky voice:

"Oh no! I fall down and died, it's your turn!"

I was just like... "Okay!" xD
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