WHEN DID YOU HAVE YOUR EXISTENTIAL CRISIS?

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Seiromem
I would have more makerscore If I did things.
6375
Lots of thoughts lately, a stream of consciousness if you will, actually very interesting to me. I had my existential crisis at around 16 or 17 when I came to the conclusion that nothing matters because nothing will ever last and that nothing can be taken back so I shouldn't risk doing anything, but if I don't risk anything I'll never discover anything new and thus the point of life I had derived to be discovering whatever life had to offer and enjoying it would be void and I can't have that because death cannot be taken back which is what I'm afraid of rant rant rant etc.

In the middle of this train I wondered when/if you guys had an existential crisis and what the basic gist of it was. I learn nearly everything from observing others and from watching demonstrations so I'm very interested in what you would have to say.
Probably around age 10 or so, which was when I first tried to commit suicide.

Good times.
People say don't give up, and say your selfish, for thinking such a stupid thing.
but what about them? oh they benefit from you being around?There isn't any inherently bad, about giving up. You leave a lot of people behind, and they go off and kill them selves who knows. But the future you once saw, ceases to exist. It's really bizarre really.

But then, you are no longer tied, to anything.
And can start anew, and could have, IN THEORY any future. You may dream of.
Also you learned plenty of cool skills along your journey. We can find, really odd strange applications to these skills in the future too.

I want to add the thought that giving up is always a choice we can make.

We must, weigh it all on an imaginary scale, and decide. and yes, if your tired of doing what ever your tired of doing. you do always have the option of quitting. but then it comes back to you and your just like nvm I had no choice all along.

this does not apply to death though. once your dead, your dead.
if life is an rpgmaker game. and there is only one ending.
then life, is constantly saying no, until you say. yes.
and personally I want to say no to death for as long as long as long as I can.

but giving up art was always on my mind. always. but I always found it coming back to me. or somehow there was no other way. so I tried pretty hard but stopped a number of times because I wanted it to end.

but it never does. and really my skill sets are extremely small and don't really apply much to anything. I can barly, look at cool images anymore and feel a damn thing. because I just

DONT CARE ABOUT ANY OF IT
I used to, and I used to care a lot.
but then I saw what was behind. and I realized I didn't care at all for it.
it's hard to want to sit down and watch a show. or play a game.
because I don't feel I care anymore. and I don't want to pretend that I care.

i just want to care again. for instance liberty instructed me to read onepiece to a certin point and then decided how I feel about the whole thing.
but I already got my shonen fix awhile ago and idk I should just read it a bit, later.

rantrantrantarntanrarntarntanrtan
Junior year of college when the crushing reality of a B.A. in English came knocking.
but there also something in not giving up.
you think about the times you gave up.
and you know the choice still affects you to this day.
and you never feel like you have any kind of control over anything.
and it feels so sad.
but. if nothing else matters to you then you also never had anything to lose. but then there is still a lot that matters so it's complicated

I just want to call the decision on giving up/trying is
'just flip the coin retard' because then you don't have to think about consequences because the only effort you had to make was flipping the coin.

physics, will do the rest. and maybe increasing the amount of times you flip the coins after too if you didn't like the outcome.
Seiromem
I would have more makerscore If I did things.
6375
Apathy is the bane of existence.

At least I can say I care about at least one thing. Game design is always extremely enjoyable, but I really dislike the steps necessary to end it. If I truly care about and enjoy game design I should be able to slog through those parts.

Either way, the main problem for me is human interaction.

I am unfortunately too dependent on positive feedback from peers, yet am too paranoid to receive and be crushed by any potential negative feedback that I have prevented myself from ever engaging in such 'risky' activities. Anytime I ever am forced into or decide to try, every memory comes back later as that one tiny thing I did that I didn't like that gets blown out of proportion in mental machinations manifest as physical pain, physical cringing. But if, staying with what I said above, nothing matters and nothing is permanent why do these barriers exist? If they don't matter why do I care about them, to such an obsessive degree?

So many questions that only I could answer that I don't have the answer to!
LockeZ
I'd really like to get rid of LockeZ. His play style is way too unpredictable. He's always like this too. If he ran a country, he'd just kill and imprison people at random until crime stopped.
5958
Roses are red
violets are blue
Love's an illusion
Sentience too
Nobody cares
No one loves you back
Please enjoy Arby's
Fade into black
Seiromem
I would have more makerscore If I did things.
6375
I take it all back, the meaning of life is to seep into chaos.
my thoughts are learn to not take yourself or anything seriously. when you receive the feedback. well idk, the mission is done, you did it.

the very truth of everything, lies in someone else's feedback.
you can't see yourself. like someone else can.
i feel like any feedback, is much better then non.
and if it's all bad feedback then or none at all. take it into thought and.

'push on into the unseeing black abyss, until you are dead.'
this is the most logical thing to do, because you at least tried. and you do even have to worry about it ever again because you are dead.

you must allow the space for yourself to fail, sometimes even to fall directly onto your face and break it.
pianotm
The TM is for Totally Magical.
32347
18 or 19 when I realized that Christianity was nothing but a very old and corrupt propaganda campaign and that if there is a god, it's probably something ridiculously different from what a bunch of old sociopathic powermongers have been preaching for millennia. I had another one when my wife died...really still having it.
NeverSilent
Got any Dexreth amulets?
6280
Seiromem, I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way right now. Your second post makes a lot of sense to me, because I often have the same problem as well. But I can also assure you that it's possible for mental barriers and "brain knots" like those to get better over time. Fear of disapproval or ridicule is a very understandable feeling to have, and you can't expect to get rid of it from one second to the next. But once you realise it doesn't make sense, you can begin to slowly but steadily move away from it.

I was once told that I am such a nihilist that I'm nihilistic towards nihilism. And in a certain way, it's true: I agree that there are no absolutes in the world, and that from an objective perspective, nothing matters because everything will end eventually.
However, as far as I can see, that knowledge doesn't help one bit. Even if we acknowledge the truth behind the nihilist philosophy, it just doesn't do anything for us. We are still humans with a life, feelings, and thoughts, no matter how insignificant they may objectively be. We are subjective beings, and as such, it's not some kind of higher truth that matters, but our perception. We are caught inside the input from our own sensory organs and our brains' thoughts - and that is not a bad thing.

You can relativise everything as much as you want, but you still perceive your existence and the world around you nonetheless. You still know that pain and suffering are diagreeable to you and should therefore be minimised, and that happiness is what makes you feel good about your existence. You perceive the living beings around you, and that they too seem to function similarly. They also want to avoid unhappiness and achieve happiness. So what conclusion is more logical than that the reduction of suffering and maximisation of happiness for all living beings is the best thing to strive for in life? The universe may not care about our lives, yet to us they mean everything, and that's what's important.

I'm much better at talking about these things verbally and in person than in written form...
This morning I had an argument with my wife, the point was.
I was dissociating myself from real life, though imaginary things, online. True.

But I wanted to stand by this idea. As I felt there was something to it. That non reality can be perceived as reality, and since you can perceive it as such then.
The line is blurred.
It's serial experiments lain, basically.

But hey man, you don't have to worry about clothes and appearances online!
Ugh, yeah you do! Look! I spent countless months, maybe years. Constructing my highly advanced, sophisticated 1080p bearsuit, from abstract reverse engineering techniques.

What in the fuck are you talking about?!?!
Look, you can actually take your self seriously online, and lies can become reality. Some people even build there entire business from online interaction, people do it more often then you might initially think!

But you don't learn how to stand up for your self! Cmon man you never stand up for your self to anyone!

Well yes, this is true, i never knew how. But I feel like I'm somehow learning though imaginary things. I feel it can and does apply to your self in real life. I mean, look I am even having this discussion with you right now. And,
usually I would not, say how i am feeling.

I feel like I suddenly am learning how to for the first time.
And that it's a lot easier then one might initially think to make someone fold.


Seiromem
I would have more makerscore If I did things.
6375
author=NeverSilent
I'm much better at talking about these things verbally and in person than in written form...


Odd, it's the exact opposite for me.
Me three.
I suppose some teenagers decided to skip class and smoke with their classmates in the back parking lot.
Other teenagers decided to skip class and smoke with their internet 'classmates' on art forums.
I had an existential crisis when I realized that I had no future. But I fell into a deep love, and that was a fact.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
Possibly when I graduated from middle school? Or 8th grade, if that is the more relatible reference to make.

Anyway, I never really considered myself a "person" back then. Merely an observer. I thought I was "above" the others, and their foolishness. Actually, it's awkward to admit, but, this particular train of thought didn't even start until I found out some girl had a crush on me. It was like, "How was this even possible?" Of course, I did nothing about it, but, the inevitable query of "But what if?" plagued me for years and years on end. It kinda still does, actually.


I'm probably not relaying this very well.
Marrend having a crush on me was unheard of, I never was able to make a connection with anyone. Which is why I love my wife so much. Because I never felt anything before.
unity
You're magical to me.
12540
This is a bit of a painful subject for me, as I've had these sort of experiences from around preteen age. I have tried to take my own life on several occasions. However, in my mid-twenties, when I thought I had reached rock-bottom, only then was I able to rebuild my life.

I'm a lot better now. I still have destructive thoughts, like if I'm ever overlooking a great drop, I can't stop myself from thinking about throwing myself over and splatting on the ground. However, I am able to combat it now, and I've mostly turned myself away from the negativity, and I have learned ways to cope and I have people who help me, so I am able to go on.

To anyone suffering, I want you to know that there's always hope. You can get help and you can recover. I am very glad that my attempts on my own life failed. If not, I would have never learned to enjoy life and to live for each new day.

author=Seiromem
Apathy is the bane of existence.

At least I can say I care about at least one thing. Game design is always extremely enjoyable, but I really dislike the steps necessary to end it. If I truly care about and enjoy game design I should be able to slog through those parts.

Either way, the main problem for me is human interaction.

I am unfortunately too dependent on positive feedback from peers, yet am too paranoid to receive and be crushed by any potential negative feedback that I have prevented myself from ever engaging in such 'risky' activities. Anytime I ever am forced into or decide to try, every memory comes back later as that one tiny thing I did that I didn't like that gets blown out of proportion in mental machinations manifest as physical pain, physical cringing. But if, staying with what I said above, nothing matters and nothing is permanent why do these barriers exist? If they don't matter why do I care about them, to such an obsessive degree?

So many questions that only I could answer that I don't have the answer to!


For reasons like this, my first ten or so years of making games was never shown to anyone, save a few close friends and family. None of those games are anywhere online, save Chase for Divinity which I finished for that Revive the Dead contest. The rest of my output from then that still exists just sits on my hard-drive.

While I don't totally regret that time, as I still learned a lot on my own, I would have learned a ton more if I'd been able to open myself up to criticism and get feedback. It hurt really bad at first, and it still stings, but I have learned so much. However, I cannot blame you if the risks and the pain make it all seem too risky. However, I will say that it does get easier as you go. I still have a sense of failure and dread when someone doesn't like what I've done, but it used to be like an oncoming train, and now it's more like a cold breeze.
slash
APATHY IS FOR COWARDS
4158
I'm glad you're doing better now, unity :)


I had similar experiences, Seiromem. I started dealing with suicidal thoughts when I was around 11 or 12, and they kind of ebbed and flowed until I was about 19, when I was forced to really address it. I ended up trying to hurt myself because I was so afraid of so many things. Those feelings came from a mix of places, including a disconnect between what I wanted to be, the way I saw myself, and what others expected from me. I was ashamed and afraid of disappointing people, which stressed me out, and I was disappointing people because what I wanted to do wasn't what they wanted, and what I cared about wasn't what they cared about, and I wanted to be everything to everyone.

I still deal with this sort of stuff a lot, kinda? I have goals that are important to me: I want to make games and art, I want to improve myself and change myself in certain ways. They don't necessarily mesh with what, like, my friends or parents want - I should meet someone and get serious, get married, get a house - I should focus on my career - etc. But I'm doing my best to do what makes me happy, even though, like, the idea of disappointing people I care about still really bugs me.

Woof. It's a really hard thing to deal with and I'm still slowly learning to get better at it. Like, I'm still afraid of sharing artwork because I'm used to being teased about drawing by people I care about (my parents! my friends!). It sucked! IDK. In some ways I'm glad I went through these things because it was due to them that I got to learn, like, what I wanted. but it could've been much easier and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I feel stressed about getting older while not making progress towards what I want to do because I just job all the time (even though I do make progress every day!) I kinda feel like I'm always having mini-existential crises.

But like unity said, things can definitely change and get better! You can survive and work past bad points in your life to become a person that you can be proud of. I'm very happy right now, for the most part. I'm slowly becoming the person I want to be, and even though I haven't reached a lot of my goals, I can feel myself getting a little closer every day.
unity
You're magical to me.
12540
;_; Thanks, slash! I'm glad you're doing better as well!

I think that a lot of creative people have these kinds of issues. As much as I wish we didn't, at least it's nice to see that we aren't alone in our struggles!
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