[RMVX ACE] PLEASE HELP ME PROOFREAD MY TUTORIAL

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I've designed a playable tutorial for my project and I'm now looking for people to proofread the text. The tutorial is pretty much the most important part in the game to get a feeling for what awaits you. I want it to be grammatically correct and sound natural. It should sound motivating and make the player want to play. I'm aware that maybe a lot will have to be changed. I'm okay with that.

The game is a medieval citybuilder. The king has just arrived at the beach with his ship. He's welcomed by a resident soldier. That's when the tutorial starts. It's a step by step tutorial, so that's why the text is divided into several sections.


Greetings, my lord. I hope you had a pleasant journey. The capital has awaited your arrival. Since the orcs and dwarves have conquered large parts of the land, it has become increasingly difficult for us to maintain the reputation of the capital. Our economic power has fallen dramatically. We currently can't produce resources and food. Ah, I see that you have a few resources with you? We should urgently set up a Farmhouse to provide food for our people.

Move the cursor using the arrow keys. Confirm a selection with SPACE. Press ESC to open the main menu, where you can view your resources and save your game.

In the course of the game, you'll build an ever growing settlement. Every worker of your tribe will do their part to produce more resources - Vegetables, Lumber, Ore and more - to further this growth. Do you see the empty plot of land in front of you? A Farmhouse can be built there. Hitting SPACE on an empty plot of land will bring up a screen giving you more information on what resources are needed to create a building there. To build some facilities, however, you'll need a certain amount of Reputation as well. Our Reputation is currently 500. That will do it. Go on and build a Farmhouse.

Congratulations. Have you noticed that your Reputation has increased by 300 points due to the construction of the Farmhouse? You now own a Farmhouse, but this alone does nothing. You first have to train Farmers to start producing Food. This is only possible if you have villagers. Walk east and see if people at the gates ask to enter the capital.

In front of the gates of the capital, 5 people ask for permission as they want to settle in the city. Let them in? (Yes/No)

You now have 5 villagers. They are an important resource because you can train them to become Farmers, Mineworkers, Stonemasons or Blacksmiths. Once trained for a specific task, they can't change their job. Decide wisely. Check every day to see if new people are waiting in front of the capital's gates to enter. Now return to the Farmhouse and turn these 5 villagers into 5 Farmers.

Excellent. You have trained 5 Farmers. As you can see, training Villagers to become workers also consumes Food. That said, Food is the most important resource in the game. You can't train Villagers without having Food. Now we want to find fields where the Farmers can harvest Food. Watch out for fields that have produced ripe crops.

Very good. We now have a basic stock of Food. As you can see, each Farmer can harvest 1x Food per day. After doing so, they're are exhausted and have to rest. You may train more Farmers to increase your daily production.

Another important resource is Lumber. Lumber is required to build almost every building. Currently we don't own a Sawmill. Therefore we cannot train any Lumberjacks yet. We also need Lumber to build a Sawmill. Bad situation, hm? Since we don't have any Lumber, we have to steal some. See that orc settlement back there? We have to attack them and steal their supplies.

Very good. Now we have enough Lumber to build a Sawmill. Once we have trained Lumberjacks then, we can produce our own wood. Now you know the basics of the game. I'll leave you to play on your own from now on. Build up our economy and save the country.


The text isn't that long. I always try to keep it short. I would be happy if someone helps me with proofreading. I would include you in the credits under "Writing".

Thanks a lot. :)

- Tw0Face
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
The first paragraph sounds like a character who is speaking to the player, while the others sound more like a tutorial. If you want a more "person talking to you" feel, perhaps something more like...


Greetings, milord. We have long awaited your arrival. Since the orcs and dwarves have conquered large parts of the land, it has become increasingly difficult for us to maintain the reputation of the capital. Our economic power has fallen dramatically. However, I note that you have a few resources with you? We should be able to start rebuilding a settlement with them!

First, know that you may move the cursor using the arrow keys to highlight locations. Confirm your orders with Space. Escape opens the menu, where you may view your on-hand resources, or record your progress.

As time passes, our workers will produce Food, Lumber, Ore, and other such resources, to further the growth of the settlement. Certain facilities will also require Reputation, but, for now, consider the construction sites before you, and build a Farmhouse.

Perhaps you noticed, milord, that our Reputation increases after building the Farmhouse? This is good, but, having a building, alone, will not accomplish anything. We can use this facility to train farmers, of course. however, we will need people to train! There may be a gathering of people at the East Gate. Perhaps we should hire any that are willing, and able?

These five new villagers can be trained to be Farmers, Mineworkers, Stonemasons or Blacksmiths. They cannot change their profession once trained. Keep this in mind for later, milord. At this point in this settlement's development, however, we can only train Farmers at the Farmhouse.

Perhaps you noticed, milord, that training consumed Food? We will now want a basic stockpile. Not just to feed our people, but to train future villagers as well. Let us send these Farmers to work on the fields. Look for locations that produce the best crops.

We have a stock of Food, now! However, perhaps you noticed, milord, that each Farmer can produce 1 Food per day? Obviously, we can train more Farmers to increase our daily rate of production.

Perhaps it is time to consider building a Sawmill? With it, we can train Lumberjacks to process Lumber, which we need to construct buildings. We have no Lumber to build said Sawmill, and certainly no a Sawmill to train villagers into Lumberjacks! So, we'll have to find another source. I have heard of an orcish settlement nearby. If we attack it, and take their supplies...

Well executed, milord! We now have enough Lumber to build a Sawmill! Once we have trained Lumberjacks, we can produce our own wood. You seem to be getting the hang of this, though, my advise will still be available, should you need it. Now, I ask you, milord, please build up this settlement, and many others, and save the country!


...this. The idea here that there's an in-game help option that brings this person up and gives players info about resources, buildings, units, or whatever else is in the game.


I feel there is no need to credit me, if you use this, though. I do this kind of thing all the time.
@Marrend: This is an interesting way to do it. Thanks a lot. :)

Any idea how to rewrite this part:

"In front of the gates of the capital, 5 people ask for permission as they want to settle in the city. Let them in? (Yes/No)"

It sounds a bit dull to me.

author=Marrend
I feel there is no need to credit me, if you use this, though. I do this kind of thing all the time.


In your case it doesn't really matter, as you already appear in my credits list for helping me out with two scripts. :)
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
At the point in the tutorial where players would get that message, we can mostly assume players are at the gates to the settlement. Even if it's later in the game, players would still be at the gates to recruit more villagers. Either way, I don't think we need to specify the location.

Anyway, if you're going with the "in-game advisor" route, it might be...

Milord, there are \v[1] villagers awaiting your approval to enter the settlement at this time. What shall we do? (Approve/Don't approve)

...this, or something like it.

*Edit: Like, you probably want the message to stay consistent between the context of being in the tutorial, and normal gameplay. Hence the use of the game-variable in the message.
Thanks again, Marrend. Your help is much appreciated.

The titles of the individual quests are now as follows. These should summarize what needs to be done in each individual section of the tutorial.

Quest 1: "Build a Farmhouse."
Quest 2: "Visit the Capital and look for people at the Gate."
Quest 3: "Return to the Farmhouse to train Farmers."
Quest 4: "Find a suitable place to harvest Vegetables."
Quest 5: "Attack the orcish settlement and take their supplies."

I'm quite sure about 1 and 5, but maybe you want to give some feedback on the writing of 2, 3 and 4? I want everything to be correct and sound naturally. Players should be able to understand everything perfectly.

author=Marrend
*Edit: Like, you probably want the message to stay consistent between the context of being in the tutorial, and normal gameplay. Hence the use of the game-variable in the message.


That is exactly what I want to do. Thank you. :)
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
2 could be simplified to "Check the East Gate for villagers."

3 could stay as-is. It can be simplified to "Train Farmers at the Farmhouse."

With 4, what's the difference between Vegetables and Food? I largely suspect they are actually referring to the same thing. The tutorial text you originally wrote before...

author=original text
Excellent. You have trained 5 Farmers. As you can see, training Villagers to become workers also consumes Food. That said, Food is the most important resource in the game. You can't train Villagers without having Food. Now we want to find fields where the Farmers can harvest Food. Watch out for fields that have produced ripe crops.

Very good. We now have a basic stock of Food. As you can see, each Farmer can harvest 1x Food per day. After doing so, they're are exhausted and have to rest. You may train more Farmers to increase your daily production.

...the task in question speaks of Food. In fact, the only other time the term "Vegetables" is mentioned, that I can see, is...

author=original text
Every worker of your tribe will do their part to produce more resources - Vegetables, Lumber, Ore and more - to further this growth.

...right here, in the third paragraph of the tutorial. Keep the terminology consistent with "Find a place to harvest Food." I don't know if the word "suitable" is necessary here. Does terrain where people can work have certain modifiers to what resources can be pulled from them? What I'm kinda inferring from what I can see of the writing, is that there could be delegated places to producing certain kinds of resources, similar to Warcraft, or Starcraft. So, like, the Miners would be sent to an Ore Mine, Stonemasons would be sent to a Stone Quarry, and Farmers would be sent to a Berry Patch, or what-have-you.
author=Marrend
With 4, what's the difference between Vegetables and Food? I largely suspect they are actually referring to the same thing.


Yes, that's right. Thanks for reminding me to keep it consistent. Of course, it means the same. Vegetables is Food.

author=Marrend
Does terrain where people can work have certain modifiers to what resources can be pulled from them? What I'm kinda inferring from what I can see of the writing, is that there could be delegated places to producing certain kinds of resources, similar to Warcraft, or Starcraft. So, like, the Miners would be sent to an Ore Mine, Stonemasons would be sent to a Stone Quarry, and Farmers would be sent to a Berry Patch, or what-have-you.


I don't know exactly how it is handled in Warcraft or Starcraft, but it works somewhat like that: You have to build a Sawmill to train Lumberjacks. After doing so and having some jacks trained, you can process Lumber from anywhere on the World Map, in places where mature trees can be found.
Great to see people helping eachother with proofreading. Grammatic errors are ought to happen when making these games if not being careful enough
I forgot something. My game has a day and night system and I have to explain the clock (GUI) as well. Is this one okay? I'm sure it can be written in a better way maybe?

"Did you see, milord? A (day and night) clock has appeared at the top right of the screen. It will help you to identify the phases of the day. Time only passes when you move your character. Some in-game actions can only be performed at a specific time of day. (day or night) At the start of each new day, more people will wait outside the capital's gates and ask for your approval to enter the city, milord. Make sure to recruit them to always have enough Villagers."
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
I don't know how much the player avatar has moved (or could move), or when the in-game clock shows up relative to when this message shows up. However, the laissez faire (hands off) approach...

Perhaps you've noticed, milord, that time passes when you move about? Certain actions can only be performed during certain times of the day. For example, when a new day dawns is also when new people tend to gather at the gates to request entrance to the settlement.

...might be useful to you. Though, I'm thinking about how there have been a number of suggestions/messages that start with "Perhaps you've noticed..." at this point. The players that haven't noticed might start doing so, and these are the players these messages are probably more aimed toward.

However, the players that have already noticed? There's two ways this can go, I feel. Either those players will feel smart for figuring it out before the game "lets them know", or they will want to skip the message (or otherwise be annoyed) because it's relaying info they already know. Is this tutorial required, by any chance? Or is it optional? How much info is in the help system, after the game lets go for good?
Sorry, forgot that. The clock is introduced at the end of the tutorial after you were told that you can build a sawmill using your stolen Lumber. :) Therefore, the player cannot know before.
Hmm... Hooh...
Hmm...
Isnt that at that rolling text? No... better put "original" text box...

Why i think COLORS and these are same ... just be careful!
Sometime Color can be good at up something at text... but...
Well... i think yours know what i try say...
author=EgyLynx
Well... i think yours know what i try say...


To be honest, no. No, I don't.
author=Tw0Face
author=EgyLynx
Well... i think yours know what i try say...
To be honest, no. No, I don't.

well... stle at tutorial text, are it boring or just different color every word or different styles are too many...

just be careful... use so called gold road (center) or comparison... or style what youre USE your game or then not... hope you select right,,,
... although it was different everyone... i meen what we like...
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
I think EgyLynx is talking about how having text in different colors can be useful to point out game-terms? I think? Not 100% sure, but, that's the impression I'm getting. The capacity to do that is coded into the system already, so, it's not a big deal to make that change, if it's desired. This thread isn't necessarily about that kind of presentation, though.


At any rate, the message establishes that time passes when the player avatar moves. Players may still notice how time passes beforehand. It kinda depends how it comes together for them. Consider that before the game asks players to steal Lumber, and think about building a Lumbermill, they're waiting on the Farmers to stockpile Food. They do so once per day, as per a different tutorial message.

So, imagine this scenario with me: A player is waiting for game-time to pass, collect their income, and generally get the next tutorial message. The avatar isn't moving, of course. They let the game sit for maybe ten seconds with nothing happening. Maybe they move the avatar to check the progress of the Farmers (if that's even a thing). The avatar hasn't moved enough for a new game-day to dawn, so, the player might do two things. They may give the game a bit more idle time (possibly to complain later), or they're wandering around aimlessly with the avatar until they notice that the income has arrived, and the message...

We have a stock of Food, now! However, perhaps you noticed, milord, that each Farmer can produce 1 Food per day? Obviously, we can train more Farmers to increase our daily rate of production.

...comes up. However, I suppose the part about players letting the game run on it's own could be more in line with the gameplay of real-time strategy games. Which this probably isn't, but, the parallels to those kinds of games are certainly there!
@Marrend: Players don't have to wait for the Farmers to stockpile Food/Vegetables. You have to craft it on your own at specific locations using your Farmers. (You need some tools to do so btw. that can be purchased in shops or got as a result of battle later) The idea is to let the player craft as many Food as he can depending on how much Farmers he has. Like this. If the player has 5 Farmers, he can harvest 5 Food per day, for example. After doing so, their Farmers are exhausted. When a new day dawns, they can harvest again. You have to do some steps until the next day starts which gives you enough time to do some other stuff in the meantime (create other buildings, train, battle, etc.)

In the tutorial there will only be 5 Villagers. There will be more later. Therefore, the clock is introduced and explained at the end of the tutorial.

I hope this gives you a proper idea on how gameplay will work in this game. :)
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
To be fair, as far as I could tell, the sequence of events looked something like...

  • Players build a Farmhouse.
  • Players spend Food at the Farmhouse to train Villagers into Farmers.
  • Players are tasked to find fields to harvest Food
  • After gaining at least two day's worth of income, or enough to give players the feeling that they're getting their "money" back and then some (remember that we're supposed to be amassing a stockpile!), prompt for Wood/Lumberjacks/Lumbermills.

...this. From what you're saying, it's more like...

  • Players build a Farmhouse.
  • Players spend Food at the Farmhouse to train Villagers into Farmers.
  • Players are tasked to find fields to harvest raw materials that will craft into Food later/elsewhere.
  • Food is crafted via the Farmhouse. The recipe includes the aforementioned raw materials from Farmers, and tools that players can get either from the Farmhouse (spending Ore in the process?) or as spoils in combat.
  • After crafting 5 units of Food this way (ie: one day's worth of income at this point in the game), prompt for Wood/Lumberjacks/Lumbermills.

...this?
You got it right at the beginning. It works like this:

author=Marrend
  • Players build a Farmhouse.
  • Players spend Food at the Farmhouse to train Villagers into Farmers.

  • Players are tasked to find fields to harvest Food

  • After gaining at least two day's worth of income, or enough to give players the feeling that they're getting their "money" back and then some (remember that we're supposed to be amassing a stockpile!), prompt for Wood/Lumberjacks/Lumbermills.


To harvest Food (Food = Vegetables) you need Farmers and tools. You don't need to craft these tools in the Farmhouse and you don't have to make them yourself anywhere else. They can be found on the world map or in shops, or can be acquired through battles. As you start playing, you will already have the required amount of Sickles to harvest enough Food to pass the tutorial.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
So, the image the game generally wants to conjure (or to make a simulation of) in this case is that players are tasked to find fields for the Farmers to work in. Once they find a place, the player gives the Farmers sickles, and they work those fields. At the beginning of the next day, players get their Food income.

What happens to the sickles? I doubt Farmers are consumed in the Food recipe, but, sickles could theoretically have a durability counter that decrements after each use before needing to get new ones.

*Edit: Or, maybe sickles (and like items) are so incredibly cheap/common that having a stack of, say, 25 of them represents 5 of them at max durability?

*Edit2: Sorry. This isn't supposed to be a gameplay discussion thread, is it?
The player receives the food immediately. After all Farmers are exhausted, it takes one day until they have recovered. Then you can harvest Food again.

Sickles are just a common resource that break after one use. To harvest 1 Food, you need 1 Farmer and (for example) 5 Sickles. (I'll see how much Sickles it will cost once it comes to balancing.)

author=Marrend
*Edit2: Sorry. This isn't supposed to be a gameplay discussion thread, is it?

No, that's perfectly fine. As you're helping me with proofreading, I want to give you a proper idea on what my game is about.
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