PICK APART MY GAME PLOT (QUICK AND CONSISE VERSION)

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A party travels to throw a ring into a volcano.
No wait...
Now for mine:

In a heavily religious world, a party travels to escort a nun on her pilgrimage to a shrine to pray for rain for a kingdom that has turned to desert after 5 years of no rain.

That is the bottom line.

Now for the conflict:

Not everyone believes that prayer can help the world. It is believed that an artifact can pour never ending water to replenish their streams and seas. The party is joined by a thief that killed for the artifact. He refuses to give the artifact up and his faction is mercilessly killed by 3 men who want the artifact back. The thief brings danger to the party and his own brother in the party as they are chased across the kingdom by the men that want this artifact back.

There are 2 ways to save the world, but along the way, it branches into multiple ways. The following characters are the tent poles that hold up the entire game.

Cylanda Ferni is the nun that believes what the majority of the kingdom believes. Prayer to the goddess can help the kingdom.

Nathan Stone is the protector assigned to escort her safely. He is duty bound to the mission.

Tupaul Davis is the assistant to Stone, not bound by duty but wants to save the world in one way or another.

Charm Davis is the little brother and thief that has his own motivations for keeping the artifact that lead to his clan's demise.

Dice (Daniel Nolan) is the charming leader of the three men that will kill to get the artifact.

Shane Golden is the sadistic spell sword that is ruthless in his desire to get the artifact.

Tell me what you think.
kentona
I am tired of Earth. These people. I am tired of being caught in the tangle of their lives.
20836
Moved from Game discussion to game design.
Goddamn, I'll try to read this later (the whole thing) but can't you separate it into sections or paragraphs or something?
YES! Absolutely :-) Sorry I did not think of that, but you are totally right! :-)
That's almost way too much to read. Not sure if I'm going to attempt it or not. I'm sure the point of putting this up here was for us to give you some type of review, so I not sure if it would be appropriate for me to ask you to give us a basic summary.
I put up a plot instead of a storyline, tell me what you think.
WIP
I'm not comfortable with any idea that can't be expressed in the form of men's jewelry
11363
I think it's pretty interesting sounding.

Here is my typical story dump: it isn't always about the core of your story, but how you implement it. You having built-in two possible outcomes is a very nice touch.
Tau
RMN sex symbol
3278
I.. Like it! Could have worded it better but I got the gist of it. I just have a few questions..

Why does Tupaul Davis want to save the world, I would think people trying to kill him would be a turn off?
What was the driving force behind this pilgrimage, who sent her?
How was this artifact even made and or placed in such a place?
Heavily religious worlds warrants a well thought out back story as their religion needs to be believable enough for the player.

I think your onto something here, reminds me of The Mummy for some reason.
This actually sounds very interesting. probably mainly because it sounds pretty much original with no influence from other games, though there may have been (I just don't know if there was or not).

But yeah, it sounds like a pretty cool game, I would like to play it whenever you get it up and going.
First of all, thank you to the three of you for reading. It means a lot to me after having no feedback for a few days :-)

author=WIP link=topic=2766.msg52920#msg52920 date=1230598080
I think it's pretty interesting sounding.

Here is my typical story dump: it isn't always about the core of your story, but how you implement it. You having built-in two possible outcomes is a very nice touch.

There are 4 outcomes, but they are twists and turns. Tupaul, who wants to bring water to the kingdom hears of two hydromancers headed to the top of a mountain to do a rain dance (basically). He heads with them.

Stone is not just bound to the mission, but he is bound to his kingdom and when the prince is kidnapped he is forced to join a rescue mission to save the prince. Once the prince is saved, the entire party gains the favor of the royal family.

author=Tau link=topic=2766.msg52923#msg52923 date=1230599054
I.. Like it! Could have worded it better but I got the gist of it. I just have a few questions..

Why does Tupaul Davis want to save the world, I would think people trying to kill him would be a turn off?
What was the driving force behind this pilgrimage, who sent her?
How was this artifact even made and or placed in such a place?
Heavily religious worlds warrants a well thought out back story as their religion needs to be believable enough for the player.

I think your onto something here, reminds me of The Mummy for some reason.

I thank you for your questions! They help me think and I need to go back and add some dialog explaining things in better detail to sew up any questions.

Tupaul is a man of the law. He strives for great things while his brother is the anti law. The 3 men that want the artifact back find Tupaul in a battle at the top of a mountain (with the hydromancers). Tupaul never gets a chance to be turned off.

The heavily religious townspeople want someone sent to the shrine in a valley. The driving force behind Cylanda being the one chosen(I need to formulate this better), is that she is the only one physically fit enough and young enough to survive a journey through a desert and mountains to the shrine.

It is uncertain who made the artifact, the legend is that the goddess who stopped their rain created it for mankind to prove itself worthy enough to live and save itself. The artifact came to be found in the kingdom because it was being sold by a traveling merchant that heard of the kingdom's lack of rain. He bought it in the hopes of making a major profit. The merchant had bought it from a man with an old man with a story, the artifact was found on the body of smashed bones of a corpse. The corpse was smashed, but the seemingly fragile artifact survived.


This world has gods, goddesses and dieties, but only the major goddess is talked about, because I do not want to confuse the player.

author=Mitsuhide_The_Vagrant link=topic=2766.msg52941#msg52941 date=1230604742
This actually sounds very interesting. probably mainly because it sounds pretty much original with no influence from other games, though there may have been (I just don't know if there was or not).

But yeah, it sounds like a pretty cool game, I would like to play it whenever you get it up and going.

The game started out as a pilgrimage. Really, that was it. Like Lord of the Rings is a journey. I did not think of Lord of the Rings when writing this, but now that I am typing to reply, I think it is similar.

Anyway, a pilgrimage was boring, there were only holy good guys that did not cause conflict. So I made the thief. Then I realized there are no ring wraiths and why would a thief join a holy mission? Because he is being chased by men that want an artifact. What could be so valuable in a land with nothing? Gold? You can get that anywhere, but water is worth more to a land with no rain for the past 5 years.

Again, thank you all for reading.
First of all, thanks for the brevity!

I really like this idea! Nonlinear games are always more fun imo. If I had to pick something to add, I'd say more characters? I assume there are more, but more prominent ones would be cool. I know you were only listing a very short version, but if there aren't more interesting characters, I' suggest adding some!

Have you worked on this at all? Also, I'm curious what setting this would take place in. Medeival would be cool, but I think a tribal, first-people-on-earth-type or bohemianish world would be even better and moer original!

(Sorry if you mentioned that already, I only skimmed your last post!)
Sorry I'm a little late, but I think you've got a good start. Especially for an RM game, it's fairly original, though I thought "FFX!" when I saw "heavily religious world," "escort," and "pilgrimage," heh. Overall, I think it has a lot of potential, though to echo WIP, implementation may be key. I like the bit about the rain, or lack thereof; sounds like some kind of ancient story (if that makes any sense). I mean, it's not mind-blowingly original, but it's an interesting premise and I like :)

I would just recommend that, in case you haven't already, you should make sure you know exactly what your characters' motivations are, and then make sure their actions are manifestations of those motivations. :) Good luck and keep working hard!
author=Abite link=topic=2766.msg58545#msg58545 date=1233014552
First of all, thanks for the brevity!

I really like this idea! Nonlinear games are always more fun imo. If I had to pick something to add, I'd say more characters? I assume there are more, but more prominent ones would be cool. I know you were only listing a very short version, but if there aren't more interesting characters, I' suggest adding some!

Have you worked on this at all? Also, I'm curious what setting this would take place in. Medeival would be cool, but I think a tribal, first-people-on-earth-type or bohemianish world would be even better and moer original!

(Sorry if you mentioned that already, I only skimmed your last post!)


I've worked on this quite a lot, alpha testers have thrown their 2 cents in and its been really good for streamlining the game. Originally my game was like a comic, where you would have 1 scene with 2 characters, another scene with 2 characters, then another scene with the first 2 characters.

This is midieval, just because that is the default RTP :-)

There are loads of interesting side characters to give the world some color. Even colorful characters that have nothing to do with the story or plot. Sort of like a news report has nothing to do with your life.

There are 12 playable characters as it is now.

TUPAUL DAVIS
- Gender: Male
- Hair: Blonde
- Age: 21
- Family: Charm = Adopted Brother / Taryn = Sister / King = Father

King Sommers was forced to give away his only child Tupaul at the threat of his rival Lord Hagger. Tupaul was given up to the orphanage in Adica where eventually he was adopted by the Daviss. A couple that couldn't have children at the time. Later they had a child named Charm and the two would become rivals.

He has a strange loyalty to his kingdom and country unknown to him, but it is because his father is the king. He also feels a loyalty to Cylanda Ferni, a nun that maintains the local orphanage in his hometown. That is why he chooses to accompany Cylanda Ferni on her pilgrimage to the shrine of hope.

After having an affair with Nathan Stone's wife Niki, Tupaul may be the real father of Nathan's daughter Tasha.


CHARM DAVIS
- Gender: Male
- Hair: Blonde
- Age: 15
- Family: Tupaul = Adopted Brother

Charm is the only child to have been born by the Davis couple after their adoption of Tupaul. He receives better treatment from his parents for being the baby but squanders it. He really receives the attention from his parents for being their real child.

Charm squanders the attention of his parents and achieves negative attention by becoming a thief and hanging out with the wrong crowd. Meanwhile, his brother Tupaul achieves positive attention from the community while getting ignored by his parents.

Upon the discovery that Prince Taryn is really a female disguised as a male, he falls in love with her and ends up a target of her love, a soldier named Ken Worthington. Ken and Charm fight and flirt for the affections of Taryn.

Once Charm is rejected by Taryn, he turns to Cylanda Ferni for his affections to make the princess jealous. He ultimately succeeds, but not before Cylanda has fallen in love with him too.


NATHAN STONE
- Gender: Male
- Hair: Red
- Age: 35
- Family: Niki = Wife / Tasha = Daughter / Steven = Son

The appointed protector of Santica Village, put there by the mayor himself, as Nathan is by far the largest man in the village. His duties have taken him throughout the kingdom to places many have never seen before.

On one of those trips, his wife Niki Stone had an affair with his friend and comrade Tupaul. As a result, Nathan's daughter Tasha, may not be his daughter after all.

Nathan is one of the few people in the world that can morph to another creature. With Nathan's height he can only morph into a giant lizard creature that can destroy most anything. However, after he returns from a morph, he faints and it leaves him vulnerable to attacks. He prefers to hide the fact that he can transform into a megasaurus, because he prefers being known as the one man that can defeat anyone.


CYLANDA FERNI
- Gender: Female
- Hair: Blonde
- Age: 20

The nun Cylanda Ferni has owned and operated the orphanage in Adica ever since inheriting it from her mother. She is well respected and loved in the community for her kindness and beauty. Because of this beauty, she has become a nun so that she may always remain humble and not allow it to go to her head.

Working in the orphanage, she grew up with a boy named Tupaul. The two had a childhood romance together, until their mother caught them and she was scolded into a life of serving God and the church.

Cylanda becomes the object of Charm's affection once he is rejected by Princess Taryn. Cylanda refuses and denies her feelings for Charm because of their age difference, but eventually she crumbles and questions her beliefs.


BANDARRO WILLIAMS
- Gender: Male
- Hair: Reddish Brown
- Age: 32

A father figure to young Charm, Bandarro is the leader of the thieves in Adica. He has traveled throughout the world avoiding the law, but he will finally get caught by the blades of the men that he trusts to find the Pitcher of Rain.


PENDLETON MACKY
- Gender: Male
- Hair: Brown
- Age: 35

A traveling merchant that has come from across the world in order to sell the Pitcher of Rain after hearing the story from a miser. He is trying to sell the pitcher for an overly expensive price to recuperate some of his losses, but ends up getting killed for it in the process.


PRINCESS TARYN SOMMERS
- Gender: Female posing as male
- Hair: Blonde
- Age: 16
- Family: Tupaul = Brother / Charm = Half Brother / King = Father

A butch princess, brought up from a child as a prince to replace her father one day. She was the second born to the royal family after the immediate danger from Lord Hagger and Hammerdale subsided.


KEN WORTHINGTON
- Gender: Male
- Hair: Blonde
- Age: 21

A brave soldier sent to rescue Prince Taryn. Ken is one of the few people that knows that Princess Taryn is really a female disguised as a male. He has a secret forbidden love with the princess unknown to everyone but them.


KIPP CRISTOPHER
- Gender: Male
- Hair: Blonde
- Age: 20

No one would understand the feelings that Kipp had for Thomas. Because of that, he carries the burden of a secret love affair. If they were to admit their love, they would both be executed.


THOMAS MANDSY
- Gender: Male
- Hair: Blonde
- Age: 19
Thomas questions the legion that would force him to keep his love for Kipp in secret. His heart is not in his duty; instead it is for the love of Kipp Cristopher.


DANIEL “DICE” NOLAN
- Gender: Male
- Hair: Blue
- Age: 21

A mercenary hired to bring back the Pitcher of Rain, he takes a particular interest in Nathan Stone, because he is the biggest in the party. Dice seeks to add Stone's death in particular as a trophy.

Dice is secretly gay and is very sympathetic to the relationship that Kipp Cristopher and Thomas Mansy share together. He secretly wishes that he could have what they do.


KAIN
- Gender: Male
- Hair: Blue
- Age: 24

An agent hired to bring back the Pitcher of Rain, Kain falls in love with Princess Taryn once he discovers that she is indeed a woman. He begins an unhealthy obsession for her and secretly stalks her.


SHANE GOLDEN
- Gender: Male
- Hair: Blue
- Age: 21

The third hired mercenary, Shane Golden suffers from constant migraines because he can hear his dead Siamese twin brother talking to him. The talking is constant and Golden struggles to tune out the other voice.

author=mellytan link=topic=2766.msg58997#msg58997 date=1233194631
Sorry I'm a little late, but I think you've got a good start. Especially for an RM game, it's fairly original, though I thought "FFX!" when I saw "heavily religious world," "escort," and "pilgrimage," heh. Overall, I think it has a lot of potential, though to echo WIP, implementation may be key. I like the bit about the rain, or lack thereof; sounds like some kind of ancient story (if that makes any sense). I mean, it's not mind-blowingly original, but it's an interesting premise and I like :)

I would just recommend that, in case you haven't already, you should make sure you know exactly what your characters' motivations are, and then make sure their actions are manifestations of those motivations. :) Good luck and keep working hard!

I've never played FFX. I've only played FF1 FF2(SNES) FF3(SNES) FFVII and that's it.

I sure hope that's not the plot. Oh well. This isn't a fan game. If anything, I just thought of Lord of the Rings when I was writing this.

About the characters, in all stories I do, they each have different motivations, that way it keeps it interesting. Thanks for reading :-)
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