BLACK GEAR : A STORY IN A STEEL IMPERIALISTIC GRITTY DEISEL-PUNK WORLD

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This is my story that I have started to write. I own this story as its original writer, and as such, none are able to touch it. I plan on getting it published, maybe under another name, but for the time being I have to give some warnings. This story, is a story about hate. It is a tapestry of wrath, disgust, pessimism, outrageous shows of a police state and a major division of classes. Enter the world of Dalius Cernford and be warned: In this world, the happiest ending is the dead ending. And with this, be wary as you read as it does use strong language at points and the main charater will slowly change your thoughts about him, bit by bit. Last thing, I also put this up on Deviantart underneath the same name.

Black Gear ©Jerel E. Rogers
Chapter 1.

"Hey Dalius! Wake up or else!" Dalius lazily spun his head from the countertop where he was sleeping. "Oh... Richter. What time is it again?" "Its high time you got home, idiot." "Oh, right... Its "that" time again." Dalius rose and moved his trench coat out of his way. Looking over his shoulder he noticed that the darkness was eating away at the corner of the skies outside the bar's windows.
"So what time would it be again?" asked Dalius with an eschewed smile creeping up his face, partially hidden by an sinister shadow that covers his eyes. Richter pushed the glass he was shining aside as his mustache began to curl. The sight of which always gave Dalius a jump of delight inside. "It's NINE, YOU BRAGOT!" shouted the red faced Richter in all of his vanity, startling the other patrons with an jolt. "Opps, your right. I guess it is time for me to go." As Dalius turned, he noticed the clock that Richter was getting his unreasonable assumption of what time it was. It was an handsome brass piece, a handsome broken clock that eschewed Richter's entire assumption. My, My. Richter making such a simple mistake, how amusing. So how can I exploit this? All the while Richter was growing more and more impatient, rudely tapping the bar, partially making he other patrons become more and more nervous.
"Say Richter," started Dalius, "When did Six-Thirty become Nine?" "Wh-What was that?" asked Richter trembling in rage all the while Dalius's face became covered in an suppressed smile. Time for the kill! Thought Dalius gleefully. "Oh my good man, even you know that sun down is at seven, not nine. And for given sakes, fix that blasted clock you have up there. It is obviously deluding you into an false sense of time and place." Richter's face flared into over thirty different shades of red in an overly amazing display of control, he muttered "Yeah, Yeah I'll get it fixed", and just like that he disappeared behind the counter.
How angry could he be? Dalius wondered as he saw Richter's back while he shuffled casks across the back "Are you angry, Richter?" bluntly asked Dalius. "Do I look angry to you?" "I don't know. Do you...?" pensively asked Dalius in his overwhelming enjoyment of pressing Richter's buttons in the right order. Richter turned his head towards Dalius, giving him an look that could even make the devil run in fear.
Okay, I've might have pushed him too far... "You know that I'm kidding, right Richter pal?" "Yeah, Yeah. You always pull something like this every time you come here. Do me an favor, will ya?" Richter walked down the bar and handed an drink to an young woman whom was intensively looking at Dalius's face. "Here you go, lass." "Thank you" the woman politely responded before she downed her drink and left the bar.
"Anyways," began Richter as he walked back towards Dalius's end of the bar, " I really like it if you stop annoying me at my work. You aren't my only customer, you know?" "Alright, fine. I get the drift any ways. Besides I got an article to write. Deadlines tomorrow, got it?" Dalius pointed towards the counter where he dropped off an tenfold stilfe note. "That should cover the tab, yeah?" "Yes, this will do. Despite all your trouble, you still are an high paying customer, so keep it up or else." "Got it" And with that, Dalius turned and joined the city in the frozen abyss of
wind and sound

The Imperial city of Grinsta was being slowly frozen to death by the overwhelming power of nature's icy torment. As Dalius slowly trudged through the ice, his thoughts and memories were spinning faster than the very torrent of wind that masked him and made his gray ominous trench coat come alive. Ever slowly did block after block of the city pass, most marked by an faded crimson sign
indicating what street in question it was he passing.
A streetcar passed, spewing its poisonous black diesel fumes, while all the same helped illuminate the dark street as well. Modern technology... Dalius sighed as he watched not one streetcar pass, but three and was even followed by an scathe bike, a new piece of oil powered machinery built in the form of a bicycle. Even with all of this, this city is still dying. Suddenly, Dalius heard the outcry of an tortured voice. He speed up his pace slightly as if to convince others that he was merely on a hurry, but not so much as if to make him seem concerned as he approached. So, who is it this time? I bet ten to one its "Them" As he walked past the corner of the street intersection, Dalius turned his head and silently observed the beating take place.
It was an common man withering on the ground covered in his own bloodstained rags, crying out for help, for mercy, and soon death. Several imperial city guards stood and laughed at he man, one occasionally throwing an kick at the disgraced man, forcing him to suffer yet more. Dalius flushed red in anger, but forced himself to continue to keep walking letting his worn hat cover his eyes.
"Hey guys! Maybe if we keep this up, we can get an raise!" echoed one of the imperials past the corner. A raise, huh? Damn Imperials. I... I will one day justify this... This... Lost in thought, another streetcar passed, shining light unto Dalius's face revealing an almost insane hatred in his eyes. I will kill all of those cowards! One day... How ironic is it that the empire supports both peace and suffering for its citizens. Those whom speak out are beaten like him... The image of the beaten
man came to Dalius's mind. I have to change it. Somehow.
Looking up ahead for the first time in ten minutes, he realised that he was reaching the end of the upper middle class district in Grinsta downtown and nearly have reached the lower city of the middle class downtown, only one of the many areas sectioned off from the other districts by an massive wall of steel and bolts, underneath of which ran tunnels allowing passerby and streetcars alike past. That is if they have the clearance to enter that district. "Home sweet home." muttered Dalius under his breath as the steel walls slowly began devouring the sky.
The control point proved no hassle to Dalius as he entered the line for the middle city. Luckily for him, the line had nary but three people waiting around for their clearance to be accepted. "Next!" came an dull mechanical voice from the steel clad booth. The line drudged forward as another person draped in clothes of worn gray disappeared into the machine and was allowed into the tunnels. The toll room was cheaply made of iron and bore no marks on how many people have passed through it in its three hundred years of existence.
However what always would fascinate Dalius, was the machine for allowing people through. It was an old sort of machine, designed to let groups pass one after another. It worked something like this: A clear gate would rise, the group would enter the marked "safe" zone and the steel barrier would rise only after the clear gate had fallen. Same as always, huh? I wonder if these barriers existed in the founding of the city? Dalius's face was contorted with many complex emotions, so many in fact that it took the appearance that he was trying to get rid of an headache of an powerful kind. "Next!" called the ever persistent toll keeper, as Dalius slowly took his position. The toll keeper was an extremely
fat man with the ever smallest pair of spectacles that was ever seen. Dalius, despite his anger at the incident outside, could not help his wolfish unshaven face to corrupt into a smile. When they say government are pigs... I never imagine this to be their very incarnate. After pushing papers aside from the desk within the steel booth, he droned "Show me your clearance to pass". "Clearance? Oh you mean these-" Dalius reached into his dark pants and drew out his wallet. Inside of which, he pulled out one card in particular, which he pushed towards the toll keeper. "Hmm... Dalius Cernford is it?" asked the dull toll keeper with an caricature of boredom imprinted upon his face. "Yes sir. At your service." And soon at your grave, it would seem. "Yes... Hm... Here you go. Your clearance has been accepted. Go to the gate and await the doors entry." The toll keeper pushed the card back to Dalius, whom stood
there bemused. "NEXT!"
This city never changes. Dalius approached the steel gate and watched in monetary fashion as it rose. Taking three steps into the gate machine, the wall suddenly dropped early forcing Dalius to jump forwards, lest he be crushed by the machine. Damn broken machines. The Imperialists need to fix
the city at the least. The clear gate rose and Dalius began his trek through the wall tunnel. Right beside the pedestrian walk way was where streetcars would run on its own course, separated by an mere iron hand rail that was rusted to the point of cracking. One would have to wonder how it came to
be rusted in the tunnels in the first place.
Sadly, the city will never change on its own... Dalius continued his deep thoughts until he made it to the second toll booth. This room was too clad in ancient iron and had an faded red cloth banner welcoming people back to the normal middle downtown district. The man in the steel booth was an spry man and accepted Dalius's clearance without an second thought. Just another imperial drone... Dalius walked past him and left the wall tunnels into the city.
The normal middle downtown was very much different from the upper middle district in the fact that this area is mainly residential housing, shabbily built on the concrete base of the city. With the steel wall behind of Dalius, street lights and streetcars lit the run down city. Every building was built of brick instead of iron as in the other district and gave it an almost novel appearance of how cheap its construct really was. Old styled glass windowsills coated in snow reminded Dalius of how close he was to his apartment building himself. In the distance, Dalius could see the three story apartment building at the end of the lane and smiled bitterly. Well, for now let's worry about how Nara has been and get this report finished. The frosted handrails coated in a lack luster glimmer of ice, freezing to the touch as Dalius began climbing the ragged concrete stairwell leading to his apartment. As he reached the third floor, he looked out of the alcove next to his doorway. Tonight, another happy ending to a crummy day. Tommorow... Well, I'll just wait and see...
As Dalius entered his apartment, a loud squeal of joy and wonderment filled the room. "Hey, Nara I'm home!" Dalius extended his arms open with a happy smile gracing his face. The result was already evident with the sound of light footsteps. "Daddy! Lookie, Lookie!", A small girl around the age of seven dashed around the corner and leapt at Dalius. Grabbing onto his shirt, she tugged enthusiastically, pointing at an object in her hand. "Here let me see what you have there Nara."
Dalius dropped to one knee and opened up her hand to discover a tooth. Oh, so that is what Nara is so excited about. Silly kid. "Daddy, tell me. Will the steel siren come if I put this under my pillow? Will he give me candy? Will he? Will he?" Oh so that is what she wants. Candy from some legendary tooth merchant. Dalius grabbed a hold of Nara and hoisted her on top of his snow topped shoulder. "Daddy, it's cold. Let me down!", Nara protested driving her tiny fists into Dalius sore back. Dalius carried her in a circle and toppled her onto her bed in the next room, making her giggle uncontrollably.
"Hey you silly girl. Don't you know that that the steel siren only comes to children who are asleep? Besides that, have you ate?" "Uh huh. Miss Terra gave me food and everything!" bobbed Nara's head making her sleek brown hair frizzy. I see. Another thing I owe her for helping me. Dalius looked over at the cheap iron clock mounted on the wall, pointing at nine. "Well make sure you tuck that tooth under here, see? Now go to sleep. I'll see you off in the morning." "Okay daddy" whispered Nara already half asleep nestled in her blankets like some baby wolf in its covering. Dalius smiled at the little nymph and walked into the next room.
He hit the switch for the light over his desk and tossed his hat and coat onto the rack besides it. Past the desk was the dark view of the city, dancing in all its moving lights with the steel walls as an ominous back drop. I'll wait an hour before I put the candy under her pillow. Dalius dug into his desk and came up with a caramel, some cigarettes and a pen. He inclined his head towards the broken down couch in the center of the room. Should I retire for the night? Looking back at his desk, he saw his polished typewriter with a half-typed report on how life in Grinsta is at its best in decades dated for midday. Pah! Liars, all of them.
While Dalius smoldered, he grabbed an cigarette and lit it. Taking a long slow draw from its relieving taste of ciders and ash, he walked over to the windowsill. Placing his arm against the wall, Dalius once again looked out at the city of brick and steel. A city filled with ever present diesel fumes and evil greater than even death. This city, no, this empire is dying. Its damn decaying stench reeks of death and I shall be its executor. Dalius looked towards the plain derelict hall past his locked and bolted iron door. At the very least... Nara is happy. But for how long before even she learns the truth about this world, about this false life? Oh well... All I have to do is build a new world, a world where this false empire is no more. Exhaling, Dalius put out his cigarette on a burnt brass ashtray sitting
next to the frosted window. Slowly sitting at his desk, he resigned himself to typing the lies that the news agency expected from him the next day.
Tbh, I have no idea what's going on. That's to be expected, though, I didn't really read the whole thing. That means you failed to catch your reader's attention, which is my first criticism.

The second is that your formatting is murder. Everything would be so much more pleasant to read if characters' speech had its own paragraphs and you didn't have only 6.5 words per line of text. It reminds me of my Geography textbook.

Another thing that caught my attention is the weird switching between 1st and 3rd person POVs, but I think that has more to do with your text formatting skills than anything else. And your grammar skills require some work too, you know. For somebody who intends to get this published, you ought not to mistake 'your' and 'you're'.
Thank you. This is actually my second draft of this one, and the formatting changed as I posted in here. I will try to fix the formatting, as that is probably why it was hard to read. Originally, the pov swap had italics around them, and I will forcibly put them in place once I can remember the code for it. I typed it with the thought of giving the reader a different perception from normal novels. Also, this is a rough draft of the finished product, so thank you meh_ch, for enlightening me to these grievous flaws.

EDIT: RAWWH! I can't remember the code for italics, so you will be forced to imagine them, lest one of you like to tell me them. I have redone the horrible formatting till it looks like some shadow of its former self. meh_ch, The thing with the perception in that it needs those italics in place. I also am fixing some parts of the grammar and wording such as "A legendary tooth trader", has been changed to: "A legendary tooth merchant." . A merchant fits into this world's legends better than a trader. I'm still looking for that "you're" of yours, but I'm afraid a lot of the grammar mistakes were made by my spell checking program. Also, can some one give me the code for italics. I can't remember how html formatting goes.
Like this. (click quote to see)

You shouldn't rely on spellcheckers too much. Just buy the hugest book on English grammar you can find and study like whoa. It's the only way to avoid writing things like 'some one' or 'an raise' or 'red faced' or stuff like that.

That "you're" of mine: "Opps (should be oops), your (should be you're) right. I guess it is time for me to go."

Really, there are all kinds of mistakes in this. You might want to send it to your English teacher (if you have one, that is). I'm sure he/she/it would be happy to help you.
Well some of it is intentional, to simulate actual speech patterns from most people. I don't believe very many people in this type of setting would speak properly, so I tried to slip up on some speech to make it more realistic. But, yeah. I'll take it to my English professor and have him help me to fix it up. Oh, but for the part about "a raise", I meant for it to sound that way, as the MC was only hearing their echoes in the distance and thus cut off the last part to that sentence.
post=119520
Well some of it is intentional.
I think meh was pointing out the frequent mistakes like 'its' instead of 'it's(it is)' which i noticed in just the first paragraph!
Mistakes like this shouldn't be intentional ever, and you make quite a lot of them. I also noticed that when people repeat things like 'My, My' you capitalise the second word, which also shouldn't be done.
Generally speaking, when a different character starts talking, it should begin on a new line. The way you've set out and structured it makes people lose interest because it is like reading a wall of text(well not so much a wall of text i suppose, you just clearly have some paragraphs in the wrong place), nobody wants to do it unless it fully grabs your attention. And walls of text make people lose attention.

I don't want to dissuade you, you seem like you have some good ideas(the storyline in itself :)), but you need to work on it. i second the idea of sending it to your english professor.
As it is now, nobody would publish it, there are too many rookie mistakes.
I understand. Egards! Well, this is only my rough draft of the second revision after all. And to think that in six years, I am supposed to teach foreigners English... WELL, it is only my third week in, after all. I originally formatted it in page plus to simulate the appearance of a book, if you will. The layout has been changed 3 times to work on the net, and none of them has come out well. I had my professor check it out yesterday, and he told me we would get working on the script next week, so do not expect a revision until that time. Trust me, this is much better than my prototype revision 1. I don't plan to even LOOK at publishing this until 2012 (Just enough time to get the rest of it typed up and fine tuned). Other than that, thank you everybody for giving me helpful advice. Oh, and I tried to make paragraphs, but it did not take for some reason. I'm going to fix the italics tomorrow.
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