E3 2010

post=143549
F-Zero is hardcore?

Dear Nintendo:
YOUR COCKSUCKING PRODUCT HAS REDUCED ME TO A GIBBERING MAN-APE WHOSE ONLY RESORT TO DEALING WITH THE ALMIGHTY ****ING GRIEF IT'S BESTOWED UPON ME IS TO SCREAM AND HURT MYSELF.

Seriously, I am jumping up and down and throwing my shit in handfuls at the ****ing television in some impotent primal effort to get the thing to work. I have been sitting here trying to enjoy your product - YOUR PRODUCT, YOUR GAME, YOUR CONTRACT BETWEEN DEVELOPER AND CONSUMER THAT THE CONSUMER WILL ENJOY YOUR PRODUCT - but instead the damn thing's been crawling out of the console and taking warm shits in my gaping mouth. Swear to god, you should have just added a little door to the console through which a hand pops out and flips me off, because I am insulted that your QA or testers or whatever brainless shitstove three genes short of a monkey FAGNUT signs your games through thought that a person with more than a single ****ing digit IQ could enjoy Story Mode Chapter 7. INSULTED.

WORK WITH ME HERE: The goal's simple enough! Come in first! Hey, that's fine, it's just like playing the grand ****ing prix; not a problem! Only deal is your cross-eyed team of tongue-slapping wunderkind decided to give the game every single ****ing advantage possible TO THE GAME rather than me.

How in the **** does Black Shadow - whose car is the heaviest and lamest piece of shit next to the Crazy Bear - suddenly become SO ****ING GOOD that he can stay in first without using a drop of boost? Huh!? Why!? You never see this shithead anywhere near the top ****ing 20 in a normal race. BUT HO HO HO THIS TIME HE'S MEGA-COCK, THE FASTEST FAGGOT IN THE WORLD. 1.21 GIGAWATTS MARTY, LET'S GO BACK TO THE ****ING FUTURE.

But it's not just Black Shadow with the magical powers, it's the entire ****ing lineup of racers! THEY'RE ALL FASTER THAN YOU. AND DON'T REQUIRE ANY BOOST.

But but but I of course, am still driving some piece of shit hamster-powered jalopy who guzzles it's entire energy bar in no less than four ****ing boosts! Add to this the entire course just got shitted on by some retarded space tiki volacano god and you've got a course full of hazards that'll drain at least 1/4 of your energy bar JUST BECAUSE IT CAN. WHOOPIE.

HURRR, you say. THAT'S JUST THE CHALLENGE. IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE EASY. Well **** that noise, you lopsided frankenfaced ****furter.

Tell me, please, why does the GAME have to win? Huh? What happens when the game wins and I lose? Is there some huge ****ing kegger waiting for it when it gets done? Is there money involved? Or perhaps the motives are more sinister. Maybe the game's family is being held hostage by another game and that game has it's cock in F-Zero's wife's mouth and he's holding a cell phone up to her and F-Zero can hear her pained moans and cries for help and the asshole game then says, "You beat that cock-sucking human, or I'll blow her brains out." I COULD UNDERSTAND THAT. I CAN BE SYMPATHETIC.

It's not any fun if I can't win, you faggots. I want to move on. I want to unlock whatever piece of shit clown car you have hidden away from me so I can start racing and get pissed off with that too. When your game prevents me from fully enjoying the product I have bought you have failed in your ****ing mission to deliver a game. You lose! You break the contract! You contract the gay and ****ing DIE DIE DIE.