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DOING IT! - WEEK TWELVE - DIALOGUE
Posts
Lusty
76
Lusty
View playlists
CloseWell i in the middle revise some dialogue, this is scene where Ryuna keep eating.
Aele: I don't know what to do if she keeps eating like this.
Ryuna: What is that supposed to mean? This is normal; after all I need lot nutrition to grow.
Aele: Yes, your nutrition go to wrong place. Look at your undeveloped body.
Ryuna: That's so rude, I still in growing phases.
Aele: Talk what you want, I haven't seen any improvement at all.
Ryuna: Then I will-
Aele: Don't even think to order more food, I don't want to see my wallet suffer same fate with your breast.
Ryuna: THAT SO MEAN.
Aele: I don't know what to do if she keeps eating like this.
Ryuna: What is that supposed to mean? This is normal; after all I need lot nutrition to grow.
Aele: Yes, your nutrition go to wrong place. Look at your undeveloped body.
Ryuna: That's so rude, I still in growing phases.
Aele: Talk what you want, I haven't seen any improvement at all.
Ryuna: Then I will-
Aele: Don't even think to order more food, I don't want to see my wallet suffer same fate with your breast.
Ryuna: THAT SO MEAN.
My most favorite conversation ever must be from Legacy Reborn:
Matsuta: Damn you! You knew all along, didn't you!?
Tomika: Of course. Nothing has happened except what I have allowed.
Matsuta: Then allowing me in here will be your doom!
Tomika: Enough! Let us end this tiresome bickering.
(after winning the boss fight)
Tomika: Well done, Matsuta. I knew only you could possibly defeat me.
Matsuta: You... you wanted to be defeated!?
Tomika: *cough* Yes, you fool. Now it may all begin.
Lusty, here's my take on that sequence:
Aele: Look at you stuffing yourself! Just how much can you take in, anyway?
Ryuna: What's that supposed to mean? I haven't eaten in days, you know!
Aele: You do seem on the scrawny side.
Ryuna: What the...? Hey, that wasn't very nice of you! Besides, I'm still growing!
Aele: Indeed. Considering what I'm seeing, you'd be growing more in the horizontal direction than the vertical one!
Ryuna: Waaait a minute. What, exactly, are you implying?
Aele: Nothing. Forget about it. Anyway, I'm not gonna pay for any more food. My wallet's thin enough as-is.
Matsuta: Damn you! You knew all along, didn't you!?
Tomika: Of course. Nothing has happened except what I have allowed.
Matsuta: Then allowing me in here will be your doom!
Tomika: Enough! Let us end this tiresome bickering.
(after winning the boss fight)
Tomika: Well done, Matsuta. I knew only you could possibly defeat me.
Matsuta: You... you wanted to be defeated!?
Tomika: *cough* Yes, you fool. Now it may all begin.
Lusty, here's my take on that sequence:
Aele: Look at you stuffing yourself! Just how much can you take in, anyway?
Ryuna: What's that supposed to mean? I haven't eaten in days, you know!
Aele: You do seem on the scrawny side.
Ryuna: What the...? Hey, that wasn't very nice of you! Besides, I'm still growing!
Aele: Indeed. Considering what I'm seeing, you'd be growing more in the horizontal direction than the vertical one!
Ryuna: Waaait a minute. What, exactly, are you implying?
Aele: Nothing. Forget about it. Anyway, I'm not gonna pay for any more food. My wallet's thin enough as-is.
LockeZ
I'd really like to get rid of LockeZ. His play style is way too unpredictable. He's always like this too. If he ran a country, he'd just kill and imprison people at random until crime stopped.
5958
Lusty, maybe you should just hire a writer. Every single line in your post is such bad English that only a foreign person would write it that way.
The correct grammar would be:
That's a funny conversation though.
The correct grammar would be:
Aele: I don't know what to do if she keeps eating like this.
Ryuna: What is that supposed to mean? This is normal; after all, I need a lot of nutrition to grow.
Aele: Yes, but your nutrition is going to the wrong places. Look at your undeveloped body.
Ryuna: That's so rude, I'm still in my growing phases.
Aele: Say what you want, I haven't seen any improvement at all.
Ryuna: Then I will-
Aele: Don't even think about ordering more food, I don't want to see my wallet suffer the same fate as your breasts.
Ryuna: THAT IS SO MEAN.
That's a funny conversation though.
Lusty
76
Marrend, it's better than mine XD, i like the horizontal part.
LockeZ, yeah i also planning to ask / hire someone to fix my dialogue after i finished it.
LockeZ, yeah i also planning to ask / hire someone to fix my dialogue after i finished it.
I was wondering on how to approach the main character's background and history for Chronology for a long time. He knows his own personal history, but for various reasons he's reluctant to tell anyone all of it all at once. Throughout the game, you find out bits and pieces. This is a conversation I drafted up between him and his love interest/girlfriend, when he's feeling particularly chatty.
Tryscal
I was born in the slums of the Imperial Capital Citadel. I was the youngest born of 5 brothers.
Rosilyn
I knew the first part but not the second. You never told me you had brothers.
Tryscal
Yeah. All five of them, along with my mother, died when I was a kid. My father died before I was born.
Rosilyn
I never knew that! I'm sorry...
Tryscal
Nothin' to be sorry about. Never knew my mom, and only got vague memories of my next oldest brother. They all died in the war, and my mom died of leukemia, my birth must have been too much for her. I don't even remember the lady. At around four or five, I was put in an orphanage, also in the slums of the capital.
Answer me this, with the war raging as it was, how much emphasis do you think the Empire put towards civil services such as orphanages?
Rosilyn
Well...
Tryscal
Let me answer for you; none. Living in the orphanage was just as bad as it probably would have been otherwise. If we weren't getting smacked around by the overworked nuns, we were usually hungry and bored. Both at the same time usually meant trouble. I was not a model kid growing up. By the time I was fourteen I already had a criminal record. Two years later I was kicked out entirely. Even the orphanage had enough; I had to go. With nothing left, I joined the army. Of course they took me, I imagine the Alliance was the same.
Rosilyn
So you joined the Imperial Army at sixteen, and you're twenty four now. How did you end up with the Freelancers, an Alliance mercenary group? Why did you switch sides from your own country?
Tryscal
Ah, it's gettin' pretty late. That's enough storytime for now. I'm heading to bed. Night night!
Any thoughts are appreciated.
I was born in the slums of the Imperial Capital Citadel. I was the youngest born of 5 brothers.
I knew the first part but not the second. You never told me you had brothers.
Yeah. All five of them, along with my mother, died when I was a kid. My father died before I was born.
I never knew that! I'm sorry...
Nothin' to be sorry about. Never knew my mom, and only got vague memories of my next oldest brother. They all died in the war, and my mom died of leukemia, my birth must have been too much for her. I don't even remember the lady. At around four or five, I was put in an orphanage, also in the slums of the capital.
Answer me this, with the war raging as it was, how much emphasis do you think the Empire put towards civil services such as orphanages?
Well...
Let me answer for you; none. Living in the orphanage was just as bad as it probably would have been otherwise. If we weren't getting smacked around by the overworked nuns, we were usually hungry and bored. Both at the same time usually meant trouble. I was not a model kid growing up. By the time I was fourteen I already had a criminal record. Two years later I was kicked out entirely. Even the orphanage had enough; I had to go. With nothing left, I joined the army. Of course they took me, I imagine the Alliance was the same.
So you joined the Imperial Army at sixteen, and you're twenty four now. How did you end up with the Freelancers, an Alliance mercenary group? Why did you switch sides from your own country?
Ah, it's gettin' pretty late. That's enough storytime for now. I'm heading to bed. Night night!
Any thoughts are appreciated.
I tried to give the impression of someone realizing dead stop in a conversation that they've talked too much and that they're abruptly ending the conversation without too much attention drawn to it. I didn't want him to say anything like
"WELL...THAT'S ALL FOR THE STORY OF MY SAD, MISERABLE LIFE FOR NOW. ASK ME AGAIN AT THE NEXT PLOT JUNCTION..."
Tryscal is actually quite unhappy talking about the subject, but ending the conversation by pretending that its not that big of a deal helps deflect that sort of attention/impression away from him. I can get rid of the night night though.
"WELL...THAT'S ALL FOR THE STORY OF MY SAD, MISERABLE LIFE FOR NOW. ASK ME AGAIN AT THE NEXT PLOT JUNCTION..."
Tryscal is actually quite unhappy talking about the subject, but ending the conversation by pretending that its not that big of a deal helps deflect that sort of attention/impression away from him. I can get rid of the night night though.
ElectricalKat
254
Instead of completely ridding it from your dialogue, you could also use a simple "Sleep well!", "Have fun, good night!", or anything else similar to those, to convey his rushing end to that conversation equally as well.
Also, I noticed a slight logical error in their conversation:
By what he said first, he should have been dead as a child long ago with his second sentence. :P
A way that you could take "advantage" of this error (unless you already meant this with it), is that you could turn it into a kind of a subconscious, metaphorical slip. He may have also internally "died" during that time period, and that would be a slight reference to this fact. I'm just throwing ideas out here, though.
Also, I noticed a slight logical error in their conversation:
post=151585
Tryscal
I was born in the slums of the Imperial Capital Citadel. I was the youngest born of 5 brothers.
Rosilyn
I knew the first part but not the second. You never told me you had brothers.
Tryscal
Yeah. All five of them, along with my mother, died when I was a kid. My father died before I was born.
By what he said first, he should have been dead as a child long ago with his second sentence. :P
A way that you could take "advantage" of this error (unless you already meant this with it), is that you could turn it into a kind of a subconscious, metaphorical slip. He may have also internally "died" during that time period, and that would be a slight reference to this fact. I'm just throwing ideas out here, though.
AznChipmunk
4613
on a more serious note and still irrelevant
one of his eyes looks really off kilter. it looks much higher than the other.
like his face is like this:
_(nose)O
O <- (really low eye)
one of his eyes looks really off kilter. it looks much higher than the other.
like his face is like this:
_(nose)O
O <- (really low eye)
I'll see what I can do. No promises, though! Also, nice catch, Kat! Thanks.
BUT ABOUT THAT DIALOGUE...
BUT ABOUT THAT DIALOGUE...
a) Jinn: Hanging out with you is like playing Russian Roulette. With a bullet in every chamber.
b) Pione: ASTOUNDING WINDOW ESCAPE!
c)Guard 1: So, did you catch the game last night?
Guard 2: *glances at Guard 1* You know the rules, no fraternizing on duty.
Guard 1: You must be a riot at parties.
*pause*
This is going to be a long shift.
b) Pione: ASTOUNDING WINDOW ESCAPE!
c)Guard 1: So, did you catch the game last night?
Guard 2: *glances at Guard 1* You know the rules, no fraternizing on duty.
Guard 1: You must be a riot at parties.
*pause*
This is going to be a long shift.
Yeaster
6164
BUT ABOUT THAT DIALOGUE...
It's nice. One thing I would suggest though -- especially when you have a lot about your character that you want your audience to know -- is to be mindful of the things the two characters WOULD realistically discuss in this situation, versus what you WANT them to discuss. You should only want to keep in the essentials.
For instance.
I was born in the slums of the Imperial Capital Citadel. I was the youngest born of 5 brothers.
Rosilyn
I knew the first part but not the second. You never told me you had brothers.
Tryscal
Yeah. All five of them, along with my mother, died when I was a kid. My father died before I was born.
This there is nothing wrong with this per say, but Tryscal's lines somewhat come as if I'm reading a wikipedia article, rather than a conversation. Maybe an alternative could be...
I was born inthe slums of the Imperial CapitalCitadel. I was the youngest of myborn of5 brothers.
RosilynI knew the first part but not the second.You never told me you had brothers.
TryscalYeah. All five of them, along with my mother, died when I was a kid. My father died before I was born.
Because they're dead -- just like my parents and practically everyone else from my youth. Hell, I never even got the chance to meet my dad."
Or....something like that. Just try to think of more "colorful" ways, if you will, to reveal backstory about your characters through dialogue in a way that sounds natural and not heavy-handed.
Another example:
I never knew that! I'm sorry...
Tryscal
Nothin' to be sorry about. Never knew my mom, and only got vague memories of my next oldest brother. They all died in the war, and my mom died of leukemia, my birth must have been too much for her. I don't even remember the lady. At around four or five, I was put in an orphanage, also in the slums of the capital.
Answer me this, with the war raging as it was, how much emphasis do you think the Empire put towards civil services such as orphanages?
Rosilyn
Well...
Tryscal
Let me answer for you; none. Living in the orphanage was just as bad as it probably would have been otherwise. If we weren't getting smacked around by the overworked nuns, we were usually hungry and bored. Both at the same time usually meant trouble. I was not a model kid growing up. By the time I was fourteen I already had a criminal record. Two years later I was kicked out entirely. Even the orphanage had enough; I had to go. With nothing left, I joined the army. Of course they took me, I imagine the Alliance was the same.
Rosilyn
So you joined the Imperial Army at sixteen, and you're twenty four now. How did you end up with the Freelancers, an Alliance mercenary group? Why did you switch sides from your own country?
Tryscal
Ah, it's gettin' pretty late. That's enough storytime for now. I'm heading to bed. Night night!
A different approach could be...
RosalynI never knew that! I'm sorry..."What happened to them... if you don't mind me asking?"
TryscalNothin' to be sorry about. Never knew my mom, and only got vague memories of my next oldest brother. They all died in the war, and my mom died of leukemia, my birth must have been too much for her. I don't even remember the lady.War happened. I was too young to understand it then, what was happening. The only memory I have of my mother was her laying in that hospital bed, dying from a disease -- leukemia, I think it was. I remember her grabbing my hand, looking me in my eyes, and telling me that everything was going to be okay... that my brothers were going to watch over me. Needless to say, it didn't quite work out that way. After my brothers were killed, instead of finding me a nice, little foster home, the Capital figured the slums would be a better fit.At around four or five, I was put in an orphanage, also in the slums of the capital.Answer me thisNow, let me ask you this... with the war raging on as it was, how much emphasis do you think the Empire put towards civil services such as orphanages?
RosilynWell...When was the last time the Empire focused on anything other than warfare?
TryscalLet me answer for you; none.Living inthethat orphanage wasjustas bad as it gets.probably would have been otherwise.If we weren't getting smacked around by theoverworkednuns, we were usually hungry and bored. In most cases -- both, and both at the same time usually meant trouble.I was not a model kid growing up. By the time I was fourteen I already had a criminal record. Two years later, I was kicked out entirely. Even the orphanage had enough; I had to go.Criminal record by fourteen, discharged by sixteen. I had nowhere to go and nothing but the clothes on my back...With nothing leftso I joined the army, hoping to find some place to belong. To feel needed. Of course they took me, and I imagine the Alliance was the same.
RosilynSo you joined the Imperial Army at sixteen, and you're twenty four now.Then now did you end up with the Freelancers, an Alliance mercenary group? What made youWhy did youswitch sides from your own country?
TryscalAh, it's gettin' pretty late. That's enough storytime for now. I'm heading to bed. Night night!
It's gotten really late, hasn't it? Especially with the pitched-blackness and everything.
Rosilyn
Trys.
Tryscal
Good night, Rosilyn.
Rosilyn
I'm not going to let you run from this.
- he doesn't respond, pretending to sleep -
Rosilyn
Trys!
- no response again -
Just another example.
Also, take advantage of some ways that you can reveal backstory/information WITHOUT actually saying anything...the whole "show-don't-tell" technique. Granted, screenwriting is very different from game-writing, but yeah.....when it comes to the bare essentials of writing dialogue and what not, those rules are universal. =D
Then again, I am all but one person and my examples could suck major league ass for all I know.
Yeaster
6164
Some random scene from 'Nightmare in Sunnydale'
--
Tommy: "Alright, there. That should do it."
Dean: "It's time for you to start talkin'.Before we get to whatever the hell that thing was, answer this. Who are you? Really?"
Tommy: "The name's Tommy Jarvis. At least that's what I used to be called. I've been on this shithole for three months. At first, it was just an island. Real tiny. But now, it's grown into this massive continent-thing. As far as that creature's concerned... I don't know who it is or what it wants, but it's been chasing me ever since I've been here. I guess once it sees its target, it ain't stoppin' until one of you is dead."
Buffy: "Why is he after you?"
Tommy: "Isn't it obvious? It knows we're on to him. Or rather, the person it works for."
Buffy: "What?"
Tommy: "Listen. You and I are in a lot of shit, so we need to work together on this. Remember that cave I told you about earlier? The one to the far east? If we want to have any hope in ending this nightmare, that's where we should go. I don't know all of the specifics, but there's a power there that's drawing everyone to it... people like you and I."
Buffy: "And demons. Just saying."
(Branch)
Xena: "Hm. One of those 'it-could-save-the-world-or-destroy-everything' types. In that case, we're
bound to run into Lilith again."
(/Branch)
Tommy: "I'll go on ahead. You guys be careful."
(Branch)
Heather: "You be careful too, Tommy..."
Dean: "........" (Something isn't adding up, here. Should we really trust him?)
(or)
Dean: "Same. Take it easy, Tommy..." (Something isn't adding up, here. Should we really trust
him?)
(/Branch)
--
Tommy: "Alright, there. That should do it."
Dean: "It's time for you to start talkin'.Before we get to whatever the hell that thing was, answer this. Who are you? Really?"
Tommy: "The name's Tommy Jarvis. At least that's what I used to be called. I've been on this shithole for three months. At first, it was just an island. Real tiny. But now, it's grown into this massive continent-thing. As far as that creature's concerned... I don't know who it is or what it wants, but it's been chasing me ever since I've been here. I guess once it sees its target, it ain't stoppin' until one of you is dead."
Buffy: "Why is he after you?"
Tommy: "Isn't it obvious? It knows we're on to him. Or rather, the person it works for."
Buffy: "What?"
Tommy: "Listen. You and I are in a lot of shit, so we need to work together on this. Remember that cave I told you about earlier? The one to the far east? If we want to have any hope in ending this nightmare, that's where we should go. I don't know all of the specifics, but there's a power there that's drawing everyone to it... people like you and I."
Buffy: "And demons. Just saying."
(Branch)
Xena: "Hm. One of those 'it-could-save-the-world-or-destroy-everything' types. In that case, we're
bound to run into Lilith again."
(/Branch)
Tommy: "I'll go on ahead. You guys be careful."
(Branch)
Heather: "You be careful too, Tommy..."
Dean: "........" (Something isn't adding up, here. Should we really trust him?)
(or)
Dean: "Same. Take it easy, Tommy..." (Something isn't adding up, here. Should we really trust
him?)
(/Branch)
NicoB
3071
This is something I posted a while ago, but I didn't really get much feedback. I've been working on the cutscenes for Lyonell Manor. I've already finished a few, but I thought I'd share one with you all and see if you think it sounds alright. Anyone who has played the demo to completion will probably get what's happening.
Anyway, that's the first scene. Any thoughts?
Epoch and Elise enter Lyonell Manor.
ELISE: So this is Lyonell Manor? The energy of this place...it's like nothing I've ever felt before. The manor itself...feels alive.
ELISE: What on Linguardia could be emanating such a powerful aura?
EPOCH: Good question.
Epoch slowly walks further inside. He stops for a moment after hearing nearby sound. All of a sudden, Slade emerges forth from the darkness, pushing Epoch against the stone wall with the tip of his sword against Epoch's throat.
ELISE: Epoch!
Elise rushes over to help Epoch.
EPOCH: Urggh...Slade...what are you....?
SLADE: Hmph. I see it really is you.
Slade withdraws his sword.
EPOCH: Huff...who the hell did you think it was?
SLADE: I thought perhaps you were the demon I was seeking.
EPOCH: Demon? I thought you said you came here to recover something?
SLADE: That's right. This demon likely possesses what I seek. That is assuming I'm not too late.
They hear a distant roar from within the manor's depths.
ELISE: I assume that's him?
SLADE: Without a doubt.
Slade pauses to contemplate.
SLADE: It seems this demon has been here for many centuries.
Slade looks over at Elise.
SLADE: As someone who is adept at the heraldric arts, you've surely felt it by now. The dimension of this building is unstable. The structure itself has actually become a living, breathing part of the demon.
Slade pauses a moment and then begins walking further into the manor.
EPOCH: Wait! Hold on a second!
SLADE: What is it? I don't have time to stand around and chat with you. I have a job to do.
EPOCH: If you're looking for what I think you are, then this pertains to me as well.
EPOCH: I'm coming with you.
Elise looks at Epoch confused. Slade contemplates.
SLADE: Fine, but if you get in my way, I won't hesitate to cut you both down.
ELISE: So this is Lyonell Manor? The energy of this place...it's like nothing I've ever felt before. The manor itself...feels alive.
ELISE: What on Linguardia could be emanating such a powerful aura?
EPOCH: Good question.
Epoch slowly walks further inside. He stops for a moment after hearing nearby sound. All of a sudden, Slade emerges forth from the darkness, pushing Epoch against the stone wall with the tip of his sword against Epoch's throat.
ELISE: Epoch!
Elise rushes over to help Epoch.
EPOCH: Urggh...Slade...what are you....?
SLADE: Hmph. I see it really is you.
Slade withdraws his sword.
EPOCH: Huff...who the hell did you think it was?
SLADE: I thought perhaps you were the demon I was seeking.
EPOCH: Demon? I thought you said you came here to recover something?
SLADE: That's right. This demon likely possesses what I seek. That is assuming I'm not too late.
They hear a distant roar from within the manor's depths.
ELISE: I assume that's him?
SLADE: Without a doubt.
Slade pauses to contemplate.
SLADE: It seems this demon has been here for many centuries.
Slade looks over at Elise.
SLADE: As someone who is adept at the heraldric arts, you've surely felt it by now. The dimension of this building is unstable. The structure itself has actually become a living, breathing part of the demon.
Slade pauses a moment and then begins walking further into the manor.
EPOCH: Wait! Hold on a second!
SLADE: What is it? I don't have time to stand around and chat with you. I have a job to do.
EPOCH: If you're looking for what I think you are, then this pertains to me as well.
EPOCH: I'm coming with you.
Elise looks at Epoch confused. Slade contemplates.
SLADE: Fine, but if you get in my way, I won't hesitate to cut you both down.
Anyway, that's the first scene. Any thoughts?
