MY STORY

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I want you all to rate my story to my new game. If its Bad then tell me how to improve it.


A known today civilization is technologically extended world. Everywhere modern buildings, Factories of Robots and the new invention: mechanic bodies which are supposed to change the future. Paralysed people will be able to walk, blinds will see, deaf persons hear... It would be a huge step for the mankind... and at least this was the way citizens seen it...

Authorities had other vision... vision of the conquest. The metal body was supposed to have ten-times strength of the ordinary man gifted to tear trees out, to destroy houses. Such abilities would let Markadsa masters conquer Derrir Hushil and Talisab. Unfortunately or fortunately the Talisab king heard about these plans and he started the war with Markadsa. Derrir Hushil was not-agreed from Talisab, but after hearing Markadsa's plans a temporary alliance with Talisab was concluded. Two states were ready for the war, but they not-appreciated Markadsa's power. The hostile state conquered the considerable Derrir Hushil part dividing the state to two parts as much weakened the defence of this country. Talisab repaid destroying the south-west part of the city under the deceptive attack from the north side from Derrir Hushil. Years later wars of the state announced the peace with themselves. Cities slowly stayed rebuilt. Everything would seem to go again on the good road. Unfortunately the human greed knows no bounds. Among others therefore former Soldier, Rufus Dain will be entwined into the mission which will change his current path of his life.


Im Polish so therefore I've used translator. Please answer quick.
Iron Man, with a few additions.

It can work, but I don't really see how I could possibly 'rate it'.
Iron man? Never've seen it :P

I mean what you like in it, how to improve it

EDIT:
Oh the metal body u mean. It is kinda one from Final Fantasy 6.
The technology part and the kingdom wars part don't really seem to be related.
To tell you the truth,you just used the same old scenario we know, new discovery, big war,just gave the big war more background...more interesting would be stay in the new discovery,but not used for war, but the beaurocrats,trying to achieve status above god.This could create conflict between these "houses",look for dune, wich you could give big background,to each house, combining history with modern times. You could make the conflict from start the typical political speeches, to assasinations, infiltrations and such...there you could continue on your own. But your story could work, but it wont be nothing new, of course you can make more emphasis on the story telling than on story.
YDS
member of the bull moose party
2441
I think it works as a larger framework - but personally, I am more interested in the characters of your game.
Uh, the issue is that it's not a story, it's a premise/background. There's a difference.
@Bonehead11
You mean something like a Secret Group and want to be allmighty etc.?

@YDS
Rufus can't remember anything from his past, but he don't really care about it. He is an egotistical character, closed in himself. He's one of them not much talking characters. He just cares about getting the mission done, no matter what he has to do. Yeah. That's moreless him.

@EDIT:
I like to show the world as an introduction, the world's situation at the point to get player more in the worlds background... Hell you're right :P
It could be secret and it couldnt be, its up to you.
Mhm I see what you mean. Maybe it would be more interesting than the war. The problem is everything is already made so that is kinda hard to be oryginal. But I'll try to make story in game as interesting as I can
LockeZ
I'd really like to get rid of LockeZ. His play style is way too unpredictable. He's always like this too. If he ran a country, he'd just kill and imprison people at random until crime stopped.
6003
My only insight is that your English is bad. Hopefully this game will be in Polish and not English.

To tell you any more, I need to know more than just the setting. I need to know the main character's goal and motivation, and the main villain's goal and motivation.
post=LockeZ
My only insight is that your English is bad. Hopefully this game will be in Polish and not English.

To tell you any more, I need to know more than just the setting. I need to know the main character's goal and motivation, and the main villain's goal and motivation.

Nothing personal,but before you critisize someone on "inglish" skills,make sure you are somewhat adequate in the fiery depths of grammar...to formulate it into one word: Hypocrite.
Now make this text scroll slowly upward while Morgan Freeman reads it.
Nothing personal,but before you critisize someone on "inglish" skills,make sure you are somewhat adequate in the fiery depths of grammar...to formulate it into one word: Hypocrite.


yeah im sure a two sentence forum post is in the same grammar priority as a game with a full blown sci fi narrative lol.

Mhm I see what you mean. Maybe it would be more interesting than the war. The problem is everything is already made so that is kinda hard to be oryginal. But I'll try to make story in game as interesting as I can


No one really cares about your technology or the dumb war, people usually care about humans being thrown into situations and reacting to them. You don't need an original philip k dick "what if" plot to accomplish this. please take psy_wombats' advice.
slash
APATHY IS FOR COWARDS
4011
To sum up and agree with what I cockily assume everyone else is saying:

cool characters > cool setting
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