THE LIFE AND TIMES OF: SQUAD 8

This is a comedy series based on a Text-Based MMO that I have been a part of for quite some time, now. You all won't get who the characters are based on (real game names being used) but the characters in here have their own personalities, so that much can be seen and the reason it'd make more sense is based on that, I hope.

I've got 2 parts, so far, and more to come. Tell me what you think.

Episode one: Introductions

{2125/02/02 03:21:58PM Mathais}: Hey, Hawk?

{2125/02/02 03:22:05PM Hawk}: Yeah, what?

{2125/02/02 03:22:15PM Mathais}: Why do you think we are here?

{2125/02/02 03:22:20PM Hawk}: Well, I do not really know. I go asleep thinking that. Why –ARE- we out here? Also, why does God insist on repeating the same thing? Over and over and over and over again. It will repeat over and over till one day I decide “Hey!? I give up! I will take you on myself God, and will take over the world. I will take you out, and beat you with a Tube Sock full of Wood Screws! I will make sure no one will have to---”

{2125/02/02 03:22:28PM Mathais}: W-Whoa man! Just stop right there! *He begins a coughing fit* Wow…just..wow! I meant why are we out here, standing guard? Nothing ever happens here. Why guard something that you know is always safe? Also, why we need to guard this Box that says “Do not open till next X-Mas?" *Pause* "...and I also find myself standing here going, hey, it could be cookies”

{2125/02/02 03:22:38PM Hawk}: I really do not know. I think the Captain hates us...

{2125/02/02 03:22:43PM Mathais}: Yeah, he really does. I saw him spit in your cereal earlier today.

{2125/02/02 03:22:50PM Hawk}: Huh? I thought it tasted different. So…um, yeah, you didn’t need to hear my plans to take over the Universe then, did you?

{2125/02/02 03:22:58PM Mathais}: If it did not include beer and Box office movies, I do not need to know about it. So…you are right, no I did not.

{2125/02/02 03:23:02PM Hawk}: Okay, okay. Whenever I over throw him, I will add some beer and movies for you.

{2125/02/02 03:23:08PM Mathais}: Kick ass!

{2125/02/02 05:24:15PM Owen}: Men! Get down here--

{2125/02/02 05:24:19PM Mathais}: Oh great, now what?

{2125/02/02 05:24:25PM Hawk}: He may want to know why his Raisin brand smells like gas but tastes like candle wax.

{2125/02/02 05:24:29PM Mathais}: What?

{2125/02/02 05:24:34PM Hawk}: Oh, nothing. Never mind.

{2125/02/02 05:24:39PM Mathais}: Okay…>.>

{2125/02/02 05:24:44PM Owen}: Guys, quickly. Need I remind you that you are on Guarding duty for taking the Jet’s out for a joy ride?

{2125/02/02 05:24:57PM Mathais}: Ooooh that is why we are here. I totally forgot!

{2125/02/02 05:25:01PM Hawk}: Well, no matter what, to me…that was a fun night. Especially when those birds were freaked out that I was under them, on auto pilot, flashing my ass at them.

{2125/02/02 05:25:15PM Mathais}: dude, keep your idiocy to yourself.



Episode 2: Side Affects


Owen: Now, guys. I got word from the head base up in Darme that we are getting some new, high- tech Equipment, and we are getting some recruits’ that are trained to know how to work the equipment. We are to clean up the Base immediately. If we are to show that we are the best of the best, then the Base –MUST- look like it is indeed the best of the best. Understood?

Mathais: What the hell? But this place looks worse than Hawk’s cooking disaster. Remember? Everyone threw up; including the turkey we thought was cooked.

Owen: I know, I know, but we must get everything cleaned up

Mathais: But, even then it took weeks to get the smell of turkey vomit off the carpet…>.>

Hawk: Hey? I’m standing right -here-.

Owen and Mathais: Um, we know Hawk.

Hawk: I hate you guys.

Sakura: Excuse me?

Mathais: Talking about Hawks cooking disaster. So give us a minute

Sakura: Um

Owen: Who the hell are you?

Sakura: I’m the one who is to teach you how to use the Catapult

Mathais: Damn, that was fast!? We did not even have time to clean the base? Hell, we only had time to talk about how bad of a job Hawk did on his cooking.

Hawk: Again, guys, I’m -right- here.

Owen: Again…we say we know, Hawk. You are standing right the hell in front of us, how are we not going to think any differently. Maybe if you leave and shut up for once, we may think you are gone.

Mathais: Yeah hawk. I got a job for you.

Hawk: Yeah?

Mathais: Yeah, it is really important too, ok? I want you to go and clean up the base. See, if you do that, we will have more respect for you.

Hawk: But, I thought that we needed to work as a team...

Mathais: Yeah, in battle we do. But cleaning really…it only takes one person. So if you do that, we will respect you, okay?

Hawk: Well, I don’t know about this.

Mathias: Hey, come on. I am a man of my word. You can trust me, Hawk.

Hawk: Well..Okay. Bye.

*Hawk gets out of hearing distance*

Mathais: What a loser. You can make him do -anything- if you just word it right. What an idiot.

Owen: I once made him spit shine the floor and had him use his Toothbrush. Hell, it was the funniest shit that I have ever seen, let me tell you!

Sakura: Wow.

Mathais: What is it rookie? Got something to say about how we run things down here?

Sakura: Um, no sir…no.

Mathais: Good. Now I want you to go and clean my room, rookie.

Owen: Go clean your own room, or you will be put on something far worse than Guarding Duty. I’ll put you in charge of cleaning after Hawk, every time he goes to bathe.

Mathais: Okay! I’m going to clean my room! AWAY!

*Meanwhile in another squad*

Alegoran: So, *faint noises*..You are telling me that *Faint noises*..Squad 8 has got themselves a new *Faint noises*..recruit?

Dark Figure: *Hears faint noises* That is true. They.. *Hears faint noises*... are supposed to... *Hears faint noises*... be getting a few of th--*hears faint noises*--em.. Okay, what the hell is up with the*Hears faint noises* noises?

Alegoran: Sorry, that is Eluna. She hides in the dark and makes noises at people. Not sure why. Never really cared to ask. She just does. All that I know.

Dark Figure: Well, can you get her to stop. It is kinda freaking me out.

Eluna: *Faint noises*

*Back at Squad 8*

Hawk:I can't believe they were talking about my cooking. I swear to god that I only cooked like that to poison them, but it failed because I forgot I had done so and ate some too >.>


Mathais: Hawk? What are you talking abo-- sweet Jesus! How did you clean up in here so fast!?

Hawk: Well, I just rushed.

Mathais: In 10 minutes!?

Hawk: Yeah, so? That a problem.

Mathais: Nah, not at all. But how about you...take a break while I finish up, Hawk?

Hawk: Okay, I think I need one. Thanks.

*Hawk starts to turn to walk out of the Base*

Mathais: No problem, Hawk. Pal. Buddy. Friend. Brother.

Mathais:God, finally, he left. I need to wash my mouth out with scolding hot acid after talking to him >.> As he leaves, Owen will walk in and will think that -I- did all of the cleaning. My perfect plans become even more perfect. I shall get promoted for this one, I believe he will be very happy

Owen: Hawk? Why are you back out here?

Hawk: Mathais took over. So I am taking a break. I am going to go fool around with the fishes in the big puddle over there *Points to an Ocean*

Owen: *Palm to face* >.>

Hawk: What?

Owen: Nothing...nothing at all.

*Meanwhile in Squad 8 Base*

Mathais: Now we play the waiting game

Owen: So, this place looks cleaner than it has ever been. Good job Mathais. I believe you actually deserve that promotion. You now have been promoted to my right hand man. You can now give out direct orders without anyone saying "Yeah right!? Screw off, Mathais!"

Mathais: Do not remind me. I can not believe grandma said that to me...>.>

Owen: Well, don't worry about that now.

Mathais: Good. Now with this power, I can finally take over Haha ha!

Owen: What, Mathais? What was that!?

Mathais: Oh..nothing. I-I was just saying how lovely you looked in that Armour of yours, my dear Captain. The light from the...night light..totally brings out the blood stained colors in the Armour.

Owen: YOU are one bad suck up. Lets just say it is more sucking you do than uping, okay? Let's leave it at that... >.>

Mathais: Yes sir.... o_O


Episode 3: To Each His Own

*In the land of the Chaos Squad, something is about to go down*

Chaos Oblivion: Call for backup Vampira! Quick!

Vampira: We -are- the -backup-

Chaos Oblivion:How can that be? We had 100 men in our base, and 500 outside!

Vampira: They left, remember? During the festival you threw to honor the power of Chicken.

Chaos Oblivion: Oh, well then. That was stupid of me. Let us die quickly then

Vampira: yes, let us di--- Whaaa!?

*Owen wakes up from a bad dream to hear a knocking at the door so he goes to open it, to find a man outside*

Thiamor: Hello good sir, would you like to buy these Girl Scout cookies? They are fresh.

Owen: Rubbing his eyes*Aren't you too old...big...and hairy to be with the girl scouts. Hell, you are a guy!

Thiamor: Um, this is not the droids you are looking for *Thiamor waves his arms around slightly*...

Owen:Retarded much?

Thiamor: No, I just am a sad, poor little girl who needs some cash, Mister.

Owen: Don't make me shoot your ass...

Thiamor: Why are you being mean to me. I'm just a little 12 year old girl!

Owen: Well, if you act like a...um...what is your age?

Thiamor: I am 20---damn!

Owen: Got you, you liar! But, I need some new people on my Squad and if you join, I swear that I won't kill you. Deal?

Thiamor: Do I get to wear a cool uniform?

Owen: Um, sure...whatever.

Thiamor: Then I am in.

*Enters Hawk*

Hawk: Whoa. What the hell happened here? Why is there a hairy man with girl scout cookies in your room?

Hawk: Also, Owen, what up with the strange smell. Smells of Shame and sweat...>.>


EPISODE 4: Lions, Tigers and Holes in the ground that lead to nowhere but somehow when you look they end up in your moms bedroom where you notice a camera and a pack of fig newtons and one pop. Oh, and also that one creepy man with the one eye who noticed you at Wal- mart. You know who I am talking about. The one who followed you and started to say that he loved how children smelled and that you had the same smell as a boy in Africa and that he liked them bi-- You know what, that is for another time.


*Deep down in a cave far, far away, probably 15 miles away from Squad 8, a group of people are gathering to start an uprising against Owen. Each squad leads each area that they are in. *

Mandark: Okay, okay...quite enough already. SHUDDUP!

Everyone: *Blinks*

Mandark: Good. Now listen, we need to make our plans the right way this time. The last time did not turn out too well, remember? We are not to repeat those actions. We let DC Kain take charge of the last plans and he made us dress up as girls to fool the guards of the squad. Hell, we got in but then he saw something shiny and went to get it, which turned out to be some Gold, that he then used to get some beers from their bar, and then he got drunk and started to strip. Need I go on!?

Everyone: No sir! No! Do not remind us!

DC Kain: Hey, it was smart till I remembered I was a raging alcoholic! Things tend to go wrong in many ways once I start drinking...

Mandark: Well hell, like we need to listen to you! Back in the hole!

DC Kain: Awww Hell, not again...

Mandark: *Glares*In....THE....HOLE!!

DC Kain: Gawd damn it! Okay you win -master-...*He rolls his eyes*

Mandark: Good. Do not come out till I tell you to. You stay in that hole!

*DC Kain speaking from within the hole*

DC Kain: *Can barely hear him*

Mandark: What!? You like to be touched!? Screw off you sick freak!

DC Kain: >.>

*Back at Squad 8*

Voice off in the distant: Thiamor! It is wrong to watch me while I bathe!

Thiamor: But if you did not want me to, you would not say for me to watch

Voice off in the distant: I said for you all to stay out!

Thiamr: No you di-- wait, you sure?

Voice off in the distant: YES!

Thiamor: O-oooh, okay. Sorry there Sakura.

Sakura: Yeah, okay...*turns and see's a man in the distance* Why were you here screaming at Thiamor when he was right in here with me?

Man in the distant: I wanted to!

Sakura: Thiamor, kill him.

Thiamor: You got it, Sakura!

*Hears a gun shot*

Thiamor: The man has a gun! Run for your life!

Sakura: JESUS!

Thiamor: Yeeeess?

Sakura: Dude, do not say you are Jesus

*Hours have passed and the deranged, crazy, gun wielding...mad man is still on the loose.*

Owen:Who was the smart ass that thought it was funny to let Fur in here? You know he has problems. How the hell did he also get a gun?

Mathais: I may have..left the door open..to the Armory.

Sakura: How dumb must one have to be to leave a door open in the middle of a wa-- Hey..wait one gawd damn minute. Where did the porn go!?

Mathais: ummm...

Owen: oh come on, you didn't!? That was gag porn from Vengent, over from Squad One. The Elderly Edition.

Sakura: Oh ewwwww! Eww,ewww, EWWW!

Mathais: >.>

Owen: You are back to guarding the Christmas presents.

Mathais: Damn it

Sakura: Sucks for you... and not like on Page Eight of the Elderly Edition.

*Meanwhile in Squad 1, the view pans to a locked Bathroom door*

Vengent: If they ever find out that the porn was from my private collection, I will never be able to live it down. Now, time to plan my next move *Loud grunts can be heard from with-in the Bathroom*

*A wandering Mr. Peanut finds his way in front of the room*

Mr. Peanut:....Uh....yeah..

*A man can be heard walking up a cobblestone pathway that leads up to the Main Gates of Squad 8. The big, circular design of the fading, grey building looks a lot better from far off than from close up. Looks like it was made from clay and was left to harden, out in the sun. How poor does one Squad's main base have to be, to have it still in the shape that it is in. Well, lets get back to the story at hand, shall we? Okay. The man came and used a key to open up the gate and out of nowhere he was tackled down by Owen who was screaming at the top of his lungs and flailing his arms around like a school girl who just saw a hottie.*

Owen: Trace, get the hell down! *Tackles the unsuspecting Trance*

Trace: The hell is wrong with you!? What...is that gun fire I am hearing!?

Owen: They let Fur into the base! Mathais left the door to the Armory open and he found a gun that actually works! Now, we must go and hide in the bathroom cause..apparently he..stays clear from bathrooms..and I think he forgot how to open doors.

Trace: Hawk...um, does he happen to be in that bathroom with you?

Owen: Hell no! Never again shall I offer hawk a cupcake.

Trace: If he is not in there, then, I may just go in there with you all. But, I will not have to be forced to sit in a room for three hours with him. Not after we found out that he gets violent gas attacks once he consumes a huge amount of cupcakes. How did he find your stash of them, just after one cupcake? Does he have like some sort of...cupcake sense?

Owen: He smelled them..I think. We could and should so use him when going hunting next week. I feel we may just about catch that weasel with Hawks..ultra strong and sensitive nose. We need to hurry and use that weasel for next months 'mystery' meat day.

Trace: I'd say we will never catch Weasey The Weasel.

Owen: You named the thing? Even while we are trying to catch it just so we can throw it into a stew with it's brothers? Why?

Trace: I named them all...tis what I do. I get close and they die on me. Poor Weasels. Never to see the light of day and will be forever remembered as a completely delicious meal, being used with crackers and some gravy on eggs and bacon.

Owen: Don't forget the sausage and biscuits made from scratch. With the ice cold orange juice or lemonade.

Fur: Forever freedom! Feel the breeze!!

Owen and Trace: ****! Run!

Fur: Aw, they ran into the Bathroom again.


Episode 5: Day of Fur

Fur: Rawr!

Owen: o_O


Episode 6: The day after the day of Fur

Trace: It has been 3 mother ****ing days, and we still have yet to come out of this god forsaken bathroom! Why can we not just ask Fur to stop!?

Owen: W-Wait...we can do that?

Mathais: W-We...have..never thought about it. Not that far ahead anyway.

Trace: For the love of God, is this whole damn squad retarded?

Owen: I take offense to that. The only one who is retarded here is Hawk.

Mathais: Don't forget to mention Sakura, dude.

Owen: Oh, yeah. She, I bet can not tie her own shoes let alone find her way out of a paper ba-- did you just call me dude?

Mathais: Um..no...sir?

Sakura: I am right here..and I don't see you being called into a squad to help teach them how to learn to fire the Catapult.

Mathais: Well, I am sure we can-- Whaaaa!? A ****ing Catapult!? What is this, the Dark Ages? How come I just now realized that we have a damn Catapult?

Owen: Well, don't you remember using it?

Mathais: I..huh?

Owen: You used it to shoot those cats over a wall.

Mathais:.....?

Owen: Idiot.

Sakura: Why must I put up with this!? I bet the other squads don't have to put up with **** like this.

*Back at another Squad*


Eluna: *Faint noises*

Dark Figure: Aw come on! Now she is following me, making those noises!

Alegoran: *Shrugs*Now she is your problem. I am free.

Eluna:*Faint noises*

Dark Figure: This squad sucks!

Eluna: Not as bad as your MOM!!! *Faint noises*


Episode 7: The day of reckoning...or..pondering..or..thinking..or..eating..or..sleeping..or..or..um..fu--

Raistlin: What a..strange title for anything.

Thia: Yes...weird indeed.

Raistlin: O_o *Kills off Thia*...

Vengent: Why must I keep going through this with you..? No killing off yourself in my Bathroom. It is just all around weird.

Raistlin: Sorry...but, if I won't do it, who will?

Vengent: Someone not standing in my Bathroom when I come out of the damn Shower!

*Back over at Squad 8 Base*

Mathais: So, this is the Catapult? Why do we have such a cheap base?

Owen: They spent too much money on good looks instead of efficiency.

Mathais: How far will good looks get them if they are under attack?

Owen: Well, for one, they will look at it with a smile on their face, then we attack with our Catapults and sling shots.

Mathais: I feel this Squad is just filled to the rim with retards! >.>

Sakura: hooray! It worked.

Owen: What did?

Sakura: I asked Fur to stop, and he did. I even got the gun. All he asked in return was the key to the restricted area. *alarm begins to go off* Oooh, what is that?

Mathais: You gave an unstable man with a twitchy finger the keys to the Bomb area?

*A door on the ground begins to slide open and a cannon arises from below*

Hawk: I had no idea that we had that...

Owen: Well..we did.

Sakura: I thought we just stored our canned foods in there. That's what I have been doing.

*The Cannon's barrel begins to spin and lights begin to flash*

Owen,Mathais, hawk,Sakura and Trace: Awwww Shit, here it comes...

*Next time*

Mandark: Did you...hear that loud bang? Why is it suddenly becoming darker...

*From with-in the hole*

DC Kain: What is it!?

Mandark: Shut the hell up!!

Episode 8: It GO -BOOOOOOM-

Mathais: Well, I wonder where it is going to hit? I never would have thought that fur has the intelligence to work such a contraption.

Owen: It takes a child alone...to just push the buttons, Soldier. Just pushing the Red Button would make it fire at the last location programmed in. It has not been used for many a year. So I think the last command programmed in would happen to be the attack on the abandoned base a little ways South of here, if I am correct. But, never really understood why we were going to shoot at it. I think it was going to be demolished, that's why.

Sakura: So, it is just going to shoot at...something useless then?

Mathais: I believe that is what he has been hinting towards. Told you she was retarded, Captain.

Sakura: *Mutters*Imma murder you in your sleep.

Mathais:....?

Sakura: *Still muttering* Melt your eyes with a giant microwave.

Mathais: Sir, she is...starting to freak me out... O_o

Owen: Pansy.

Sakura: Stab you in the Liver with a rusted screw driver.

Mathais: Sir!?

Sakura: Have Rabid Hamsters gnaw on you.

Owen: *Hums*

Sakura: Never...be..alone.

Mathais:*Shits himself*

Owen: What's that smell?

Sakura: Hey, Mathais?

*...*

Sakura: ... Mathais?

*In the Bathroom*

Mathais: Good damn it..not aga--*A loud bang can be heard and the bathroom shakes* The HELL!?

*Outside of the Bathroom*

Owen:...And there it goes...*Watches the missile fly over head*..Beautiful, ain't she?

Sakura: Well, yes, in a very..scary and destructive way, of course.

Owen:..Of course. I named it Betty...

Sakura: Y-Yeah, alrighty there big boy.


*Over head at Abandoned Base, the Bomb travels closer and closer*

Mandark: Well now, let's get this meeting underway, shall we? I think we need more colorful hats. It will lighten up this dark room a bit and..is funny. Like a Clown.

Storme: *Raises her hand*

Mandark: Yes, Storme, what is your question?

Storme: Will this actually help us accomplish anything at all?

Mandark: Yes, it will make us happy.

Storme: I see no point in this meeting about hats. We have this meeting every 3 weeks and last week you held a meeting to ask what Pizza we should get..and Ice Cream Cake. There is no point.

Mandark: The Hole..

Storme: I'll...shut up now..

DC Kain:B-But..don't shut up. I am quite lonely down here all by my lonesome

Mandark: Shut u--!! What is that noise and why is it getting even darker than usual?

DC Kain: What is it!?

Mandark: Shut the Hell up!?

Storme: Well, I feel we are -quite- screwed.