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Sindiana Bones and The Temple Of The Crystal Head

Well, that was indeed a very dumb game.

Greetings, I'm StormCrow and this review is brought to you by Vodka (as part of the Distilled Opinions summer Review Jam).



Story
Thank goodness I had the reference point of Hatoful Boyfriend for this kind of ridiculousness. Otherwise, I probably would just have been bewildered and horrified at the lighthearted and casual bestiality! But knowing that Hatoful Boyfriend is a thing, I got it, and it was pretty damn funny.

Action
In more ways than one *eyebrow lift*.

First I should say I hate this type of game. I have always thought that this entire genre seems like something that was designed for lonely Japanese men and is mostly played by Caucasian girls for the lulz. I've only played one game in this genre before, it was Saya no Uta, and I only played it because of its reputation as the most fucked up video game ever (jury's still out).

That said, I set about creating my handsome Alpaca with a lust for human women, Urist McPrudent, with great aplomb. I allocated points that I don't think ever mattered to my four stats, favoring charisma because this is a game about getting laid. I set my sights on the teacher immediately

because of her BIGASS TITTIES


and fortunately she was a very material girl (I might have gone for the hot nurse, but I wasn't sure the nurse was gettable and I'd already embarked on the teacher path). Basically I just had to gather crap from the surrounding classrooms and whatnot. She wasn't too picky: a stolen teddy bear, a stale honeybun, a rose, a ferret plushie, and a cup of pudding were enough to convince her to fuck a goddamn camelid. So, hot for teacher, I followed her to her home.

SPOILERS
Surprise #1: hot teacher's got a wife. Okay, that's something a paca can get down with.
Surprise #2: Hot teacher's actually a man? Get this paca the hell outta here! This paca's all about the puss.


I hope that second reveal wasn't a fakeout, since it lead me to the bad ending. That said, I'm not sure that bestiality not taking place is all that bad of an ending. : )

Sights
Really standard visual novel fare (hey, I said I don't play games in this genre, doesn't mean I haven't seen screenshots), particularly in terms of the backgrounds. The characters seemed to be pulled from different sources and drawn in different styles in some cases, and that was a little distracting. The user interface was also...not pretty.

Sounds
There were no actual sounds that I could hear, and I found the total lack of SFX a bit awkward. The music, however, was appropriately chill, and very listenable as I explored this utterly bizarre premise.

Final Thoughts
This is definitely one of the strangest games I've ever played. I'd honestly recommend it to anyone: it won't take much of your time and it's certainly unique. My favorite character was Bropaca. That paca seemed to have his head on straight. For what it's worth, this was made for the "Make A Dumb Game" event. My star rating is just its rating as a game. Judging it specifically as a dumb game, I would have given it five stars.