Here are a few observations:

- For the third sentence of the Story, you should either have it as a whole new paragraph or continue the sentence above (you should be able to squeeze 2 words there).

- A couple of corrections: recieeives and just to cash it in (this one is my suggestion)

- A suggestion would be to use quell the "feeling" instead of "thought", since it would give it more impact.

- Reconsider using non-parallaxed?? maps and virtually?? no commercial game music

- Finally, "Coming to an RPGMaker near you" sounds a bit off since your players won't usually have the program. You probably mean PC, right?

Other than all that, I think it works well.