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Riker to Holodeck: Is it better than the others?

  • Decky
  • 11/01/2012 06:28 AM
  • 3940 views
This review is PG-13. OH NO.

First Officer's Log, stardate 1112012.133.
RPGMaker.net has docked at Red Velvet Cake Services, Inc. to experience the latest in holodeck simulations (and NOT the delicious slices of Red Velvet cake goodness as per the norm for yours truly): a holodeck puzzle game within a holodeck: Befuddle Quest: The Next Generation.

It has come to my attention that this holodeck experience involves assuming control of one man as he completes ridiculous tests to determine the fate of humanity. I have a lot of experience in this matter, and since it hits a little too close to home, I have sent the rest of the crew to experience the contents of this holo-romp.

Unfortunately, it seems as though we must use the Main Deflector Dish to assimilate the holodeck program onto our own holodeck, as the Red Velvet Cake Services holodecks are malfunctioning due to Binar engineers being biotches yet again. I nearly have a heart attack after seeing the file size: 222 MB. 222 MB in the late 80s is considered as large and ridiculous as my beard.

First Officer's Log, stardate 1112012.139.
LaForge has figured out a workaround, and we have managed to assimilate all of the 222 MB by going to warp 3.14 WHILE activating the main deflector dish, emitting a tachyon pulse, and dumping approximately 1.337 percent of the trilithum on the ship. I find it ridiculous that the programmers at Red Velvet Cake were unable to decrease the size of this program, but we here on the Enterprise are the kings of workarounds.

First Officer's Log, stardate 112012.310.
After approximately 1 hour and 17 minutes, the crew has finished the holo program and have submitted their reports for each level. Though they also commented on the introduction to the program, which featured world-class art from an ancient Earth citizen named Leonardo DaVinci. Or was that Kenton A.? We must clarify this matter at some point. This introduction pleased many of the crew members, except Data, who noted that he could create art 2,8592 orders of magnitude greater than what was on display in a span of 28.4828 seconds.

Anyway, I should get to the reviews because I have a slice of Red Velvet (well, Reddish-Brown Velvet) cake waiting for me!

Filter Circuits by Jude
This puzzle was considered simple and to-the-point, and a perfect place to start. The crew found the graphics engaging and pleasing, and enjoyed the gradual increase in difficulty. The process of changing colors by hitting red, blue, or green nodes was too much for some of the crews' tastes, so they just started hitting random nodes like morons. Others really liked the way the required colors were shown on the nodes. Worf gave it 3 Mating Calls out of 5.



Settlers of Kentan by Kentona
Worf also led the team who investigated this puzzle. The crew notes that this game involves building cities out of resources, acquiring more resources from those cities, and ultimately gaining points through city building and barbarian smashing. It's not really a puzzle, but a board game in holodeck mode, complete with random number generation. The crew still enjoyed it...except Worf. He went into a true Klingon rage when he received a game over on turn 31: 4 turns before the end of the game and ONE POINT AWAY FROM WINNING. His rage grew into violence when he reset the game and found out that all his cities and towns were already there, and that he couldn't get points for that reason. He tried to force Data to reprogram the holo-game so that he would become one of the barbarians and set fire to each settlement and the dozens of imaginary people in each. Ultimately, the team was unable to finish this puzzle even though they had technically won. Worf, despite his anger and the holo-lag caused by the rolls and resource gathering, gives it 4 Mating Calls out of 5.

A Thing Happened by GRS
The crew found this simple switch puzzle to be lacking. All they had to do was throw a few switches and clear the path. Data was disappointed (as he always is, becuase he's Data and can do everything we all can do and then some). Data gave it 1.5 Spots out of 5, because at least it didn't "invoke emotional responses in a manner detrimental to daily functioning on board the Enterprise."



Deadly Invaders by Avee
This one involved going across the screen while dodging white alien fellows dancing around. Their patterns reportedly grew more and more complex as the game progressed. We (perhaps foolishly) gave this one to LaForge. He kept running into the little invaders even though their patterns were predictable - perhaps we need to adjust his visor. His suffering did bring out a bug with the holo-game: running into an alien disrupts its pattern. Permanently. This could make the game unwinnable in some situations. LaForge gives it 2.5 Engineer Romances out of 5: an average mark for a guy who is considered average by the ladies ((because the writers are mean)).




Mirror Cavern by Rachael
Deanna Troi enjoyed this one because she's the ship's counselor. She's so used to dealing with people talking to their own shadows (like me), so finally getting to MANIPULATE HER AVATAR'S SHADOW'S ACTIONS gives her some valuable perspective when she goes back to work. And it's perspective she needs, because gosh darn it, I have a problem and someone needs to understand me! Anyway, she enjoyed the switch hitting and walking in specific patterns to get the shadow to move in certain directions. She only wishes it were longer and more involved toward the end. She meant that for...something else as well. She gave it 3.5 Bad Season 1 Acting Performances out of 5.



Keying In by thatbennyguy
Data was confused by this one. He could not figure out if our holodeck was glitching and causing items to reappear/doors to appear in the wrong direction, or if the creator just didn't polish the program. He went with the former because he's a nice guy, but I'm willing to bet it's the latter. Outside of these polish issues, the process of having to walk in specific patterns and collecting items was enjoyable enough - perhaps too simple in the long run. It started to get complex toward the end, according to Data, but it needed another layer or two of complexity and intuitiveness to really stand out. As such, he gave it 3 Deactivated Emotion Chips out of 5.



Ancestry by Liberty
Wesley Crusher loves switch puzzles, but he was a little disappointed because there were simply a bunch of switches scattered around and he didn't really know what each type -did- for a while. He did like that the ground switches were color coded with the crystals that unlocked the exit, but there were holo-passability issues with the switches (not glitches from our particle replicators, either). Also, it felt perhaps a bit too simple in both layout and intuitiveness. It didn't make Crusher cry/whine of boredom or frustration, though, so he gives it 2.5 Cheating-By-Bringing-Your-Science-Fair-Project-Into-A-Battle-Simulations out of 5.



Avosion by Bobhostern
Dr. Crusher felt this one had wasted potential, much like her relationship with the Captain. She had to stay away from an enemy for a period of 1 minute, but all she really had to do was run around in circles to win. No real puzzle here. There were no obstacles, switches, or other tricks to add depth to the chase. She gives it 1.5 Deus-Ex-Machina-Hyposprays out of 5.

Tile by Error by Gibmaker
Data was very interested in this one. It required him to wander around a series of tiled paths to reach an exit, but he could only walk in cycles of 1, 2, and 3 steps (and eventually cycles of 1-4 and 1-5 steps as well!). The challenge gradually increased; the last 3 actually forced Data to plan ahead and calculate, and he even missed a few! (So did I when I tried it.) He commended the holodeck afterward for a job well done, and gave it 4.5 Activated Emotion Chips out of 5.



Drawcab Monks by Marrend
This puzzle required the crew to figure out a keyword by listening to riddles and reading plaques hinting at each letter in the word. Wesley found it confusing but reasonably interesting at first, but the challenge was figuring out what the plaques -mean-. After that point, it becomes a rather tedious task of figuring out which letter goes where, and determining if the monk wants the word inputted into the holo-game in all caps, all lower case, or whatever. It was still pretty interesting, and he enjoyed it more than the cake I tried to feed him last night. 3 "Cake Allergies" out of 5.

Chappy and the Intercom by Caz
Dr. Crusher absolutely adored this creation, to the point where I had to try it myself. The first thing she noticed was that considerable effort had been invested to make the holoprogram look pretty. Our holodeck's systems had to struggle to replicate all this well-arranged matter! Caz has a lot of potential as a creator, and we may have to bring her aboard the Enterprise as an Ensign ASAP! We love ice puzzles, and we love anything that involves moving objects in specific ways. This holo-puzzle required Crusher to slide snowballs into a central area. The catch? Sometimes she had to slide snowballs into each other to reach the center...and any time a snowball went off the ice, she had to start over. The second one was pretty tricky, but she had no issues with the first and third. She only wished it were longer. I've heard that on Risa bef-

"Shut up, Will. Your pervy jokes are annoying!"

Anyway, back to the log. She gave it 4.5 Matter Replicators out of 5.

FLASHDUEL by Hexatona
Worf is a WARRIOR, so he just had to try this one. He raged at the layout at first: he thought 1:2 and 3:0 were ratios at first and was confused to oblivion. But once he figured things out, he had no trouble beating the opponent. It's a turn-based game where players are dealt cards with numbers on them. They can move spaces equal to a card, or attack X spaces away by using a card with X number. It's kinda complicated, and it's getting late, so I'll let the game do the explaining should anyone want to give it a try. Worf says it was clever and simple once he figured things out. He gave it Ridged 4 heads out of 5. I laughed at him for the terrible pun.

ENDING:
The crew loved the simple ending and loved that Red Velvet Enterprises inserted a reference to their award-winning cake. It made them in quite the mood for cake too, as I experienced firsthand when they came back to the ship.

CONCLUSION:
After compiling all the data and reports, I've determined that the final score of this holo-program is 3.5 Beardless Rikers out of 5. It seems this one was the best holo-program of the bunch so far!

Beardless because nobody wants to find a hair stuck in their cake.

Riker out. End log.



Posts

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I love how you threw your personal torment of the whole turn 31:4 moves scenario in there. :)
This review is creative and awesome. Good job Deckiller! :D
Caz
LET'SBIAN DO THIS.
6813
Haha, I loved it! And the best part is that it didn't spoil anything, so I could happily read this while the game downloaded!
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
With my entry, the case shouldn't have mattered. You could have entered the keyword in all caps, mixed caps, or all lower-case!

Also, my entry is such a blatant rip-off, but I'm probably the only person who recognizes it as such.
author=Marrend
With my entry, the case shouldn't have mattered. You could have entered the keyword in all caps, mixed caps, or all lower-case!

Also, my entry is such a blatant rip-off, but I'm probably the only person who recognizes it as such.
Off of a game where people go to school and try to save the world? In some cave they come across puzzles? Hmmm, what genious made that awesome game?
I was thinking Weird Al's BOB
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
author=bigtime
Off of a game where people go to school and try to save the world? In some cave they come across puzzles? Hmmm, what genious made that awesome game?


I know what you're thinking, but you're absolutely wrong. This is more of a blatant rip-off of the original source than that ever was.
Gibmaker
I hate RPG Maker because of what it has done to me
9274
This is the most glorious review ever.

(And yay!)
Decky
I'm a dog pirate
19645
Haha, thanks~ I write the most obnoxious stuff when I'm sleep deprived.
Craze
why would i heal when i could equip a morningstar
15150
never

EVER

mention beardless Riker ever again
Decky
I'm a dog pirate
19645
Nobody likes beardless Riker, so does that make my review warnable for trolling?
Beardless Riker is a better character. The beard was just compensation for role minimization. A pretty good trade, from that perspective.
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