Nightmare of The Snow 雪の悪夢

author=Red_Nova
I remember looking at this before and not downloading it. This issue has been fixed.

I'll critique the story here, if you'd like.

author=Red_Nova
The following is just my stream of consciousness:

- You don't need to compress it twice. The file size did not change.


Typos and grammar errors:

* Note: there are WAY too many of these that I had to stop after I got to the mansion.
I'm here to critique the story, but the grammar is just so bad. I can't take too much time pointing out all the grammar mistakes, so I just stopped that after I warped to the mansion. Just know that the grammar is so bad that it detracts from the overall experience.

Show

Under the MustReadMe File:
- Use something other than WORSER at the end of the plot summary.

- These Days and Modern Days are redundant. Pick one or the other.
- Yuuki's checklist. Each item should be captialized.
- Mirror tutorial. Mirror should be plural.
- The select sound seems a little... too epic for just selecting.
- Selecting Yuuki's Dresser. Underwears does not need the s at the end.
- Looks like an Ice. Does not need an.
- Bookshelf is full of Novel. Novel needs an s.
- Set of bathing utensils. Set doesn't need to be capitalized.
- shelf contains a lot of traditional medicine. Medicine needs an S
- Stack of magazines on the floor. Stack doesn't need to be captialized.
- Fireplace is a singlular noun. Yuuki doesn't need to say I'm glad my parents bought THEM.
- Taiga says Did you see any white cat. Any should be A.
- Yuuki's response. White doesn't need to be capitalized.
- Taiga first line of dialogue is incorrect. Change slept to sleep.
- Phone on it's mouth should be in.
- Yuuki's intro for Nana. Play should be past tense.
- Yuuki when at neighbours front door. Take out the A.
- Yuuki when at the back alley, "Now were did that cat went to?" Don't use Went.
- Yuuki examaning the well. Well doesn't need to be capitalized.

After warping to the mansion:
- Mansion doesn't need to be capitalized.
- When trying to leave: That whole sentence needs to be rewritten.
- Is Yuurei a noun? If so, then it should be capitalized.

Story Critique:

Show

- Yuuki should have some comment about not going into her older brother's room.
- Yuuki should give a little response when mother asks how she is doing in the kitchen.
- Why was there a choice to help Taiga search if there is only one option?
- Any particular reason why Yuuki didn't ask Nana to search for the cat as well?
I'm guessing it's because she wanted to be exclusively helping out Taiga.
- Why was the north road blocked off? If it's because you're not supposed to walk
into oncoming traffic, why could you do it on the horizontal road at the bottom?
- Mr. Yamamoto's intro was strange. He's Yakuza, but he's not a bad guy?
I'm gonna need more than that. Give an example as to why he's not a bad guy.
- You didn't need to take the cat along? Then Taiga should mention something like that.
- You introduce all these characters and then don't establish their personalities very well. Sure, Yuuki gives short descriptions of them, but it would be better presented if the characters themselves have dialogue instead of Yuuki. Let the player hear what they have to say, not Yuuki.

After warping to mansion:

- Yuuki seems to be taking the whole getting shifted to another dimension thing
pretty well. Shouldn't she be a little more panicked that she suddenly is cut off
from her family and friends?

- Yeah, she's taking this WAY too well. She just arrived in a mansion, possibly from another world, and her primary concern is being late for the party? Sorry, that's just not natural. Instead of the party, she should be worried more about trying to contact her friends or family. She has a phone. She should at least TRY to use it.

- If the previous owner of the mansion rebuilt it ALL BY HIMSELF, that seems like
a pretty noteworthy deed and should have some text somewhere acknowledging that.

- Mansion was completely destroyed by the foreigner. What foreigner? There were
a lot of foreigners during WW2. Please be more specific.

- If Yuuki reacts to skeletons, she should probably react to massive bloodstains
on the wall. Like in the dark room. Especially so since bloodstains become traps later.

- You should consider removing the instructions on avoiding traps. There was
already a book with this exact explanation in the previous room, and
there was already am instance where you would get hit by one and killed.
We get it, there's no need to force it down our throats.

- I have no idea what was said on the diary before the chase. There was no need for text to auto run.

- I think I found Yuuki's name on one of the shoe boxes. Shouldn't she have some kind of reaction to that?

Other major issues I found:

Show

- The trash can dissapears when you inspect it from the sides.
- The sound effects and choices are too epic. Try something smaller.
- Taiga's phone has a 1 on it in the name.
- That first chase. It was too much. I know it's supposed to be intense
and scary, but it was frustrating instead. Especially that first room.
You move ONE TILE too far and you're caught. I had to stop for now because
I've got to go to work. I'll come back tonight and keep going.

Overall (From what I've played so far):

Okay, I'm not gonna mince words here: While the story is interesting, the presentation is bad. The biggest offender is Yuuki herself. You have some really good ideas but you need to work on how you show them to the player. Hopefully, my suggestions will give you a good start.

The biggest offender here is the grammar. If English is not your first language, then this comment will make me look like an ass, but it has to be said: I understand that typos are a common thing. Hell, my own game has typos that I still catch frequently. But a wrong word in the wrong place will give the player a REALLY wrong message. For example, when I read a book about the mansion being burned down by THE foreigner, I thought a specific foreigner was mentioned earlier. So I looked, but couldn't find anything.

Now, keep in mind that, while I sound harsh here, all I was doing was talking about the story, as you asked. I really enjoyed what you have so far. I'm subbed, and will keep watching this project.

author=Red_Nova

author=Tsurugihayate
Nice. I'll keep them in mind.
Oh, by the way I really like a harsh critique! :D

Well, harsh is one thing. I hope I'm being FAIR in my harshness. Believe me when I say I love what you've got here. If this was the final build, I would have said these flaws would have broken the game experience for me here, but the potential this has is wonderful. So I'm being very critical because I want to see this succeed.

Anyways, two workdays and one concussion later (Don't ask...) I have the last part of the critique ready to go:

- Okay, so after seven failed attempts at the chase, I finally succeed! Okay, I know I'm only supposed to critique story here, but I need to bring this up: This chase is WAY too frustrating. Not hard, mind you. Frustrating. Why frustrating and not hard? Because this is one of those instances where the lack of lights actually DETRACTS from the experience. Since I don't know where I'm going, I get killed over. And over. And over again. This is not scary. This is annoying. Having to play the same segment over and over again is as far from scary as it can get.

Here's a suggestion: Since an Onryo is actively trying to kill you, you could change around the lighting a bit to reflect the change in house status. Maybe reduce the visibility opacity and tint the screen a dark shade of cyan or even red. This'll REALLY make the player scared, since factors beyond the players control are now in motion, and it lets the player see more than what is directly in front of them.

For what it's worth, I did feel a strong catharsis from finally making it out of the house. Though the emotions I had by the end of the chase were more frustration than terror.


- Can people say more than just, "You look like you've seen a ghost"? Have some more personal reactions from each NPC.

- There's a snowman out front. That seems like a good place for character dev.
Who made it? yuuki? did she make it with Nana?

- Again, I think the party is not something Yuuki's primary concern should be.

- If dad is so protective of Yuuki, he should have more to say than just,
"Someone tried to hurt you." You should really characterize him.

- Yuuki just takes it too well. If you're a 15 year old girl, a traumatizing
experience like that can't Just be forgotten by reading a book.

- After the shower, when Yuuki says, "Okay, that should do it" What should do it? What did
she do?

- Lol at the Ao Oni tribute. So now this game is in cannon with Ao Oni. I love it!

- While The optional information is interesting, there is little point in it, that I can see.
IF you're gonna have optional stuff, it should at least have SOME kind of
relevance to the main story. But I'm not gonna be too critical of this,
as it IS optional.

Alright. I'm done. You have an interesting set-up, but you don't take advantage of it. I realize that, in a horror game, things stay scary the less you know of it. But when you set up all these characters and then DON'T do anything with them, it feels pointless. Now, I'm not saying you should have entire character arcs devoted to them (Unless that was your plan from the beginning), but if Yuuki knows these people, they should have more than just one sentence to say to her.

Anways, good job on the scare factor and artwork. I'm looking forward to seeing what you have next!