When I finished this game, I heard Nelson, the bully on The Simpsons, yell, "Hah hah!" For all of you gamers out there who are on your walkers, hearing the MIDI files with your hearing aids, and telling those kids to get off your lawn, longing for the young days when you whacked a cop across the knees with your wooden sword and then got your hide tanned by your mother, this game is for you.

You play as Zack, which is a very good thing because your partner, Alex, is an ego-maniacal narcissist who's so full of himself, he carries his shield everywhere (thinking it's his sword) in hopes of meeting a monster he can bash, by which time he's also proven he's a blithering idiot. You've been hired by a rich fellow who seeks the best heroes to rescue his daughter, but they're busy so he has to settle for you.

You have to go to your house to get your sword, meanwhile having to listen to Alex lecturing you about how you must not have an adventurer's heart if you don't carry your sword with you everywhere. Then, after picking up a few items around town, you go to your first dungeon, Dark Forest (surprise, surprise). Okay, if I tell you any more, there'll be no point in you playing the game, so let's get on with it.

Gameplay: The game uses an abilities system to make sure the fights aren't too easy. After you've used all of your ability points, you have to recharge. Of course, during your first fight, you learn that *gasp!* Alex forgot his sword. He bashes all of the monsters with his shield. The point: Zack is the only damage dealer. Alex is only good for support...and picking unnecessary fights. There are no random encounters. The monsters are sprited onto the map and in most cases are easily avoided, though you probably shouldn't do that since this game seems to be so perfectly balanced that you fight exactly the amount of enemies you need to get the level and skills you need to beat the end boss.

Graphics: Nicely constructed scenery. Your characters are the regular RM stock as are the battle animations.

Writing: Excellent. Any errors there might have been didn't jump out and smack me in the face. The gags and jokes are classic, that is to say, old enough that everyone will recognize them and probably laugh. The ending should come as no surprise.

Playability: There's actually a location with a chest that you can see but can't get to! It may be worth it to play the game again to see if you can get to that chest. It's at the beginning next to the pub in Nolette.

Found a Glitch: The ghosts in the last dungeon aren't supposed to be harmed by physical attacks (or so you would think by the fact that hitting them results in a big fat 0). The kidnapped girl's brother, Falrun, joins your party in the last dungeon and he has the last magic needed to beat the sinister spectres, or do you need it? Nope. Bash the ghost a few times and he'll die as fast as any other monster.

Conclusion: Plenty of polish and shine. It never forgets its aim. Swan Song is a solid addition to the RM Venture contest.