This blog took me three hours to write, for reasons that will become very clear soon. Strap in, folks. This isn't gonna be a fun one.

All day today, I was racking my brain over what I wanted to talk about for this month's blog. So far, it was looking like this was gonna be yet another "I'm still at it, y'all, I swear!" blog where I'd throw out the same lines about making slow progress but can't go into detail because it's the very end of the game and it's chock full of spoilers. I wanted to draw up a progress diagram to show off what was left to do before release, but one look at the list of tasks that I had tried (and failed) to complete last month made my stomach churn. I thought I'd show off some new areas or pixel art I had made, but I then realized I actually had nothing to show off for reasons of either spoilers or my inner critic drowning out any confidence I had in what I DID make.

This is normally where I'd shrug it off, remember that I'm not in the most exciting phase of development right now, and simply apologize for not having anything substantial to talk about. Today, however, something felt different. I just couldn't bring myself to do that. The pressure to keep working felt far heavier, my mood was at a near record low (which, considering the tone of the game I'm working on, is saying something), and the anxiety over the constant delays was so overbearing I could almost feel it in my gut. My brain has been refusing to cooperate with me today, instead forcing me to relive every single failure I've ever had over the course of this game's development, each one piling on top of the previous ones to become a mountain of crushing guilt and shame that I couldn't shake off no matter how hard I tried. And the more I tried to divert attention from it all, the more sharper the pain became.

"Okay, fine," I thought. "So I'm a little burned out. Seems fair enough. I have been at this game for over four years now almost nonstop. I'll just sprint to the finish line with the last tester's build for round 1, and then I'll take a break while they go through the end game."

And that was going to be the plan. At least, until the moment I stared brainstorming the topic of this blog, recounting exactly what was going on earlier today, when I realized the truth about what happened to me: I had an anxiety attack.

Looking back now, it's so obvious it's almost pathetic. This is not the first time I've had one, especially recently. I've never felt the need to bring them up in the past because, well, who ENJOYS writing or reading about something like this? In fact, the only reason why I'm bringing this up now is because the causes of this particular attack are clear as day: Prayer of the Faithless, and the weight of my own expectations.

Once I realized what was happening, I knew I couldn't wait until I was done with this last chapter before taking a break. I needed time away from this game, and I needed it now. I'm going to eject myself from PotF, the sheer soul-crushing negativity of where I'm at in the story, and just get away from RPG Maker for a while. A week, at the bare minimum. After seven days have gone by, I'll check in with myself, see how I feel, and decide where to go from there. I always tell people that they need to put themselves first and foremost, and I think it's time to finally take my own advice.

I'll still be around. In fact, I plan on making more of an effort to interact with RMN during my time off. I've been a lurker these past, uh *checks post history* few months, but with all that's been going on, actually taking the time to post just... fell by the wayside.

Just to be clear, PotF isn't cancelled. I wouldn't even put it on hiatus. This is just a short, one week break that will probably pass in the blink of an eye for most of you. But it's a blink I really need right now. I hope you understand.