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THE JOKE TOPIC
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Dudesoft
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CloseSometimes I forget jokes, sometimes I don't. It'll be fun to share jokes we find / know here. Only post jokes, so we don't flood this topic with off-topic crap.
Use the hide tag for punchlines or long jokes, too.
Without further ado:
A Redneck Joke
A Drunk Joke
What concert can you go to for only 45 cents?
What does a clock do when it's still hungry?
A Pirate Joke
Use the hide tag for punchlines or long jokes, too.
[hide][/hide]
Without further ado:
A Redneck Joke
A redneck goes to a hardware store and asks to buy a chainsaw that'll cut down 6 trees in one hour. Salesman sells him a top of the line model, and the redneck leaves. Next day the redneck returns and says "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took all damn day!" The salesman takes the chainsaw to inspect it. He starts it up, and the redneck asks "What's that noise?"
A Drunk Joke
A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving. She said, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you." The drunk happily replies, "Tits!"
What concert can you go to for only 45 cents?
50 cent, with Nickelback.
What does a clock do when it's still hungry?
Goes back four seconds.
A Pirate Joke
A man is seated at a bar, when a pirate walks in. Clearly a pirate. His right leg was a pegleg, his right hand was a hook, and his right eye was patched over. It was a curious sight indeed, so the man got to talking with the pirate and asked, "So how did you lose your right leg?"
The pirate replies, with a sigh, "I lost it in a battle off the coast of Jamaica."
The man asks, "Oh, okay. What about your right hand?"
The pirate replies, "Lost it to a shark off the Florida Keys."
The man asks, "Ouch. So, I guess, how did you lose your right eye?"
The pirate grim as he says, "I was sleepin' on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye."
The man looks quizzical. "But... how could bird crap make you lose your eye?"
The pirate slams back his drink and says, "It was the day after I got me hook."
The pirate replies, with a sigh, "I lost it in a battle off the coast of Jamaica."
The man asks, "Oh, okay. What about your right hand?"
The pirate replies, "Lost it to a shark off the Florida Keys."
The man asks, "Ouch. So, I guess, how did you lose your right eye?"
The pirate grim as he says, "I was sleepin' on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye."
The man looks quizzical. "But... how could bird crap make you lose your eye?"
The pirate slams back his drink and says, "It was the day after I got me hook."
emmych
817
Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Are you having a beer?" Descartes says, "I think not," and ceases to exist.
emmych
817
That eel is probably the greatest thing ever and my favourite reaction image next to that picture of Jesus I found. ;w;
I know I have a barrel full of good puns kicking around somewhere, but I'm drawing a blank at the moment. OTL
I know I have a barrel full of good puns kicking around somewhere, but I'm drawing a blank at the moment. OTL
author=NewBlack
What do you call cheese that isn't your cheese?
NACHO CHEESE
Sorry ._.
or
By opposition, do you see it (Patti Smith's expression) now?
LockeZ
I'd really like to get rid of LockeZ. His play style is way too unpredictable. He's always like this too. If he ran a country, he'd just kill and imprison people at random until crime stopped.
5958
Why did Helen Keller's dog run away? .....you'd run away too, if your name was 'Mffraaaaarrghh'!
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? .....they left a plunger in the toilet!
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? .....they rearranged the furniture!
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? .....they added a second door to the doorway!
How did Helen Keller lose a hand? .....she tried to read a road sign in a bus goin' 60 MPH!
How did Helen Keller die? .....she tried to read a rattlesnake!
If Helen Keller had ESP, would you say she developed a fourth sense?
(and my personal favorite)
Why did Hellen Keller only use one hand to masturbate? .....she needed the other one to moan!
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? .....they left a plunger in the toilet!
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? .....they rearranged the furniture!
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? .....they added a second door to the doorway!
How did Helen Keller lose a hand? .....she tried to read a road sign in a bus goin' 60 MPH!
How did Helen Keller die? .....she tried to read a rattlesnake!
If Helen Keller had ESP, would you say she developed a fourth sense?
(and my personal favorite)
Why did Hellen Keller only use one hand to masturbate? .....she needed the other one to moan!
Sorry, I'm tired and being insulted in these conditions bring a brief response, no drama.
On topic
Why did the mouse and the elephant get married
.
On topic
Why did the mouse and the elephant get married
because they had to
A snail goes to a car dealership and says, "I want a car that drives really fast, has big doors with giant 'S's on them!"
The salesman laughs at the request and asks, "We can help you with that, but I must ask; why do you need those exact things?"
The snail replies,
The salesman laughs at the request and asks, "We can help you with that, but I must ask; why do you need those exact things?"
The snail replies,
"So when people see me, they'll say, 'Look at that S-car go!"
Not really good at jokes, this is one I made up now. Quite crude, and stuff, I'm doubting I'm not going to pull laughs, and don't even know how to end it without something clever. yeah it's a horse in a bar joke...omg R rated.
A man walks into bar, sees a horse, the horse says "if I hear that I have a long face on more time...".
The man is confused and says "Well excuse neiiiigh!, I'm a son of the horse, my mother got a little kinky with a horse one time".
The horse bartender says "Oh, sorry, guess that explains why Mr ED over here was chatting with that beautiful human woman".
The man looks over and shocked "That's not just a human woman, that's my mother, she grow up on a farm full of horses!".
The horse bartender smirks then says "No wonder, she was quite a ride after all".
A man walks into bar, sees a horse, the horse says "if I hear that I have a long face on more time...".
The man is confused and says "Well excuse neiiiigh!, I'm a son of the horse, my mother got a little kinky with a horse one time".
The horse bartender says "Oh, sorry, guess that explains why Mr ED over here was chatting with that beautiful human woman".
The man looks over and shocked "That's not just a human woman, that's my mother, she grow up on a farm full of horses!".
The horse bartender smirks then says "No wonder, she was quite a ride after all".
papasan96
1021
Okay, a few stupid jokes, one long and two short:
A monkey lives in an experimental laboratory where scientists are training him to eat with a fork , which he calls his "four point tool". One day, the monkey manages to escape and, after a long and dangerous journey, gets back to the jungle.
For a few weeks everything is going fine, but one day the monkey discovers his four point tool is missing. So he decides to ask the other animals in the jungle if they've seen it.
"Have you seen my four point tool?" he asks the elephant. "No, sorry," comes the reply.
"Have you seen my four point tool?" he asks the sloth. "No, I'm afraid I haven't," the sloth replies.
"Have you seen my four point tool?" he asks the jaguar.
"Yes. In fact, I've eaten it." replies the jaguar.
"What? Why would you want to do a thing like that?" says the monkey.
An now for the short ones:
What's brown and sticky?
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
I thank you Ladies & Gentlemen...
A monkey lives in an experimental laboratory where scientists are training him to eat with a fork , which he calls his "four point tool". One day, the monkey manages to escape and, after a long and dangerous journey, gets back to the jungle.
For a few weeks everything is going fine, but one day the monkey discovers his four point tool is missing. So he decides to ask the other animals in the jungle if they've seen it.
"Have you seen my four point tool?" he asks the elephant. "No, sorry," comes the reply.
"Have you seen my four point tool?" he asks the sloth. "No, I'm afraid I haven't," the sloth replies.
"Have you seen my four point tool?" he asks the jaguar.
"Yes. In fact, I've eaten it." replies the jaguar.
"What? Why would you want to do a thing like that?" says the monkey.
"Because I'm a four point tool eater jaguar!"
An now for the short ones:
What's brown and sticky?
A stick
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot
I thank you Ladies & Gentlemen...
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