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THE JOKES TOPIC
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UPRC
5516
UPRC
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CloseBecause jokes are awesome, especially on stressful days. Here are a few that I really like.
There was this delicate young man who decided he would go and live in the countryside for a while and write poetry.
Several days after he moved in to a rented and isolated farm house there was a knock on the front door. He opened it and there stood a huge bearded man, ugly as sin, covered in cow manure, with great hairy arms, a pox marked face and a huge mottled bulbous nose.
"I'm your next door neighbour, " said the man. "And I'm here to tell you that tonight you are invited to a Welcoming Party."
The young man thanked him and wanting to be seen as a good neighbour said that he would certainly come along.
"Yeah, yeah,"said the man. "But I have got to tell ya, that there is goin' to be a lot of heavy drink'n."
The youing man said diplomatically that he was prepared to take his share of a tipple.
"Yeah, yeah," said his new neighbour. "But I have got to tell ya, that there is goin' to be a lot of fight'n."
The young man said that he was sure that he could counter any attempt at physical violence.
"Yeah, yeah," said the man. "But I got to tell ya, that there is goin' to be a lot of sex, a lot of sex, hard sex".
The young man said that he would do his best to be as convivial as possible.
Then he asked what the dress code would be.
"Ah, don't worry about that," said his new neighbour. "There's only the two of us."
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favour, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?"
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,
"Your house!"
From a Teacher -- short and to the point.
In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:
"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."
author=Joke
There's an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman, and they're captured by cannibals and taken before the leader.
"I won't lie, gentlemen, we're cannibals; and that means we're going to skin you, eat you, and turn your skin into a canoe. However, we're not the savages portrayed by the media and before we do so we will grant you a last request." He turns to the Englishman and asks what he wants.
"A full English breakfast, please," says the Englishman. And so they bring him a full English and then kill him and eat him and turn his skin into a canoe. The chieftain turns to the Scotsman and poses the same question.
"Haggis, neeps 'n tatties," booms the Scot. And it is brought to him and then they kill him and eat him and turn his skin into a canoe. The chieftain asks the Irishman what his last request is.
"A fork," says the Irishman.
The chieftain blinks and asks him to repeat what he said.
"A fork," says the Irishman cheerfully.
Scratching his head, the chieftain orders that a fork be given to the Irishman.
When he receives it, he immediately snatches it and starts jabbing it into his chest screaming "Ye'll not be makin' a canoe outta me!"
UPRC
5516
Albert and Alice are long term inpatients in a psychiatric hospital.
One day, while they were walking close to the hospital swimming pool, Albert jumped into the water dropping to the bottom where he stayed without making any effort in order to go out.
Alice rapidly dived into the water, swam to the bottom and grabbed him to take him out, saving him from a certain death.
When the Hospital manager knew about Alice's heroic action he considered that she was ready to be discharged as she had showed a very good mental stability.
The Manager told Alice, "I have two things to tell you; one good and one bad. The good is that you're going to be discharged immediately as you have saved another patient's life and showed us that your mind is working very well. The bad news is that Albert hung himself by the neck with his gown belt minutes after you saved his life and I regret to tell you that he has passed away."
Alice, very astonished, answers, "Err... it wasn't him. It was me who hung him up just to get him dry."
One day, while they were walking close to the hospital swimming pool, Albert jumped into the water dropping to the bottom where he stayed without making any effort in order to go out.
Alice rapidly dived into the water, swam to the bottom and grabbed him to take him out, saving him from a certain death.
When the Hospital manager knew about Alice's heroic action he considered that she was ready to be discharged as she had showed a very good mental stability.
The Manager told Alice, "I have two things to tell you; one good and one bad. The good is that you're going to be discharged immediately as you have saved another patient's life and showed us that your mind is working very well. The bad news is that Albert hung himself by the neck with his gown belt minutes after you saved his life and I regret to tell you that he has passed away."
Alice, very astonished, answers, "Err... it wasn't him. It was me who hung him up just to get him dry."
Little Billy is at school one day, not paying attention (as usual) when he suddenly hears the teacher say "purple wombat". Thinking this strange, he puts his hand up.
"Miss, what's the purple wombat?" he asks.
The teacher suddenly looks furious and hastily scribbles a note. "Take this to the principal!" she yells. Confused, Billy takes the note and wanders to the principal's office.
"Hello there Billy!" says the principal jovially as he enters. "What can I do for you today, young man?"
Billy hands the principal the note. He reads it, his expression slowly changing from one of joy to one of sheer unbridled rage. "I want you out of my school!" he shouts. "You're suspended! No, expelled! I'll be writing to your parents!"
At this point Billy doesn't have a clue what's going on, but he dutifully gathers his things and trudges home. As he gets in the door, he sees his mother making a cup of tea.
"Billy? Shouldn't you be at school?" asks his mother with a perplexed smile.
"They expelled me for asking what the purple wombat is," explains Billy.
His mother's features contort into fury. "Get upstairs young man!" she screams. "You just wait until your father gets home!"
Billy is near tears with confusion and distress at this point, but he does as he's told and holes up in his room. He's not sure how long he's there, but he eventually hears the telltale click of the door as his father returns from work. There's a murmur of voices, a drone of raised voices, and then loud stomping. Billy braces himself for what's to come.
"I hear you've been a very bad boy today, Billy," says his father as he slams the door open. "I always thought you were a good kid, but this...this is too far. You'll get no dinner tonight, and you're grounded for a year." The punishment dispensed, his father leaves.
Billy sits on his bed for a long time and just cries his eyes out. What has he done that's so wrong? He mulls it over for what feels like hours, but he can't figure out what everyone's so angry about. He's just about to give up and turn in for the night, when--
"Billy..."
There's a voice coming from outside! He races to the window and strains his ears.
"Come with me Billy...I'm the purple wombat Billy..."
Too excited to think of being cautious, Billy, opens his window and slides down the roof, shimmying down the drainpipe to follow the voice.
"That's it Billy...I'm the purple wombat Billy...follow me Billy..."
He follows the voice through field and glen. Over hill and dale. For a long time he follows, all the while encouraged by the faint and distant voice of the purple wombat.
Eventually, the voice leads him to a lake, at the bank of which is moored a little boat.
"In the boat Billy...just a little further Billy..."
Billy tentatively climbs into the boat and begins rowing out into the lake. He sees a little island in the centre, and figures that's where the purple wombat is. He rows and he rows until--
"Up here Billy! I'm the purple wombat Billy!" now the voice is loud and coming from directly above him! There's a tiny patch of land with a tree growing out of it, so he stands up in the boat to get a better look...
And promptly falls out of the boat and drowns.
And the moral of the story?
"Miss, what's the purple wombat?" he asks.
The teacher suddenly looks furious and hastily scribbles a note. "Take this to the principal!" she yells. Confused, Billy takes the note and wanders to the principal's office.
"Hello there Billy!" says the principal jovially as he enters. "What can I do for you today, young man?"
Billy hands the principal the note. He reads it, his expression slowly changing from one of joy to one of sheer unbridled rage. "I want you out of my school!" he shouts. "You're suspended! No, expelled! I'll be writing to your parents!"
At this point Billy doesn't have a clue what's going on, but he dutifully gathers his things and trudges home. As he gets in the door, he sees his mother making a cup of tea.
"Billy? Shouldn't you be at school?" asks his mother with a perplexed smile.
"They expelled me for asking what the purple wombat is," explains Billy.
His mother's features contort into fury. "Get upstairs young man!" she screams. "You just wait until your father gets home!"
Billy is near tears with confusion and distress at this point, but he does as he's told and holes up in his room. He's not sure how long he's there, but he eventually hears the telltale click of the door as his father returns from work. There's a murmur of voices, a drone of raised voices, and then loud stomping. Billy braces himself for what's to come.
"I hear you've been a very bad boy today, Billy," says his father as he slams the door open. "I always thought you were a good kid, but this...this is too far. You'll get no dinner tonight, and you're grounded for a year." The punishment dispensed, his father leaves.
Billy sits on his bed for a long time and just cries his eyes out. What has he done that's so wrong? He mulls it over for what feels like hours, but he can't figure out what everyone's so angry about. He's just about to give up and turn in for the night, when--
"Billy..."
There's a voice coming from outside! He races to the window and strains his ears.
"Come with me Billy...I'm the purple wombat Billy..."
Too excited to think of being cautious, Billy, opens his window and slides down the roof, shimmying down the drainpipe to follow the voice.
"That's it Billy...I'm the purple wombat Billy...follow me Billy..."
He follows the voice through field and glen. Over hill and dale. For a long time he follows, all the while encouraged by the faint and distant voice of the purple wombat.
Eventually, the voice leads him to a lake, at the bank of which is moored a little boat.
"In the boat Billy...just a little further Billy..."
Billy tentatively climbs into the boat and begins rowing out into the lake. He sees a little island in the centre, and figures that's where the purple wombat is. He rows and he rows until--
"Up here Billy! I'm the purple wombat Billy!" now the voice is loud and coming from directly above him! There's a tiny patch of land with a tree growing out of it, so he stands up in the boat to get a better look...
And promptly falls out of the boat and drowns.
And the moral of the story?
Never, ever stand up in a boat.
thatbennyguy
1612
@ivoryjones: Cool story bro
@Trihan: I don't... where is the... oh, never mind!
@Trihan: I don't... where is the... oh, never mind!
author=A short joke
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
It's a type of joke known as a Shaggy Dog Story, thatbennyguy. You tell a big massive long story that seems to be leading up to a particular punchline, but then end it with a complete anticlimax that has nothing to do with what the story was about.
UPRC
5516
Here's a great one that some of you guys may have read before.
... but perhaps not this one!
Notes From An Inexperienced Chilli Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas:
"Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chilli cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what the fuck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.
Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chilli
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Shit! Keep this away from the children! I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.
Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Draino. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills to save me the run.
Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chilli using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can't focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No-one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.
Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Very Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chilli which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Thank God! At autopsy they'll know what killed me. Have decided to stop breathing, too painful, not getting any oxygen anyway.
Chilli # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chilli
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chilli, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chilli pot on top of himself.
FRANK: ------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
... but perhaps not this one!
Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in tears.
We can’t see each other anymore...” she sobbed.
"Why?” gasped Declan.
"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. “He claims you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of crustacean...and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways.”
Declan was shattered, and scuttled sideward away into the darkness to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.
That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father’s side, inconsolable.
Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across the floor...and all could see that he was walking, not sideways, but FORWARDS, one claw after another!
Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally he looked King Lobster in the eye.
There was a deadly hush.............................
Finally, Declan spoke...
"Fffuck, I’m pissed.”
UPRC
5516
You want dirty?
Superman and Spiderman are standing at the top of a building at the end of the day. Superman says, "do I ever have a story for you!".
"What's that?", asks Spiderman.
"I was flying around tonight, checking things out, when I looked into this building using my x-ray vision. I saw Wonder Woman lying on her bed naked, writhing around and rubbing her hands all over herself."
"Wow", says Spiderman, "what did you do?"
"I flew down to the window to get a better look and all I could hear was her moaning and moaning unbelievably", says Superman.
"You're kidding", says Spiderman, "what did you do next?"
"Well, I figured she was all warmed up already, so I backed off across the street, pulled out the ol' John Thomas, aimed for her hot spot and flew in at full speed".
"Wow, that must have surprised her", says Spiderman.
Superman answers, "Not as much as it surprised the Invisible Man".
UPRC
5516
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds.
As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman.
"Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye.
"Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive.
"Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered.
As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot.
"F*ck me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"
As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman.
"Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye.
"Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive.
"Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered.
As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot.
"F*ck me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"
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