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A SERIES OF SHORT STORIES I AM WORKING ON. IT HAS DRAGONS! IN A TYPICAL URBAN VILLAGE.
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KhaliCanvas Studios
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I think you dabble with statements of fact too much, particularly in the first few paragraphs. You state things that characters know, think and feel as if the reader cannot decipher emotion from a scene for himself. You need to add a level of depth to things and let the reader figure it out on their own. If I had actually walked in on this scene, I wouldn't immediately know the characters' exact thoughts but I could have an educated guess from the way their bodies moved or the sounds they made.
Instead of telling me their whole life story, hint at things. That whole first paragraph can essentially be replaced by a snippet of dialogue from a single character along the lines of:
"What's wrong, honey?" she suspiciously questioned, "You haven't said a word or touched your food.. This isn't like you at all."
You should also learn about the importance of the three main story components: dialogue, action and description. You have a paragraph of action which explains Tim's life (I am classing this as action because, while it describes Tim's life, there are a LOT of verbs), a section of JUST dialogue alone and no real description as far as I can see. And while these are great to have in equal amounts, you need to learn to bring them together into a single element of your story. Look at these two pieces, where red will be used for dialogue, blue will be used for action-y verbs (not all verbs), and green will be used for descriptive words. This is loosely based off of your piece simply to get my point across.
Piece 1
"You can't have a dragon."
"Why not?"
"I said so."
"But that's not fair."
"Yes it is."
Tim stormed out and went to his room, slamming the door behind him.
Piece 2
He slammed his hands down on the table furiously, "Why not?!"
"I told you, Tim," his father sighed, "you can't have a dragon and that's that!"
Tim was gearing up to childishly storm out. His face was turning a bright shade of pink.
At last he mustered the courage to confront his father, "But.. that's not fair!"
Tim threw his fork down onto the table and pushed his chair away, leaping from the cushioned seat.
The second piece is much more evenly spread out, and it feels a little less clunky and forced. Sometimes a lot of dialogue, description or action can be good for a scene but this feels like it should be a well-balanced text. Note how at the end of the second piece I don't use as much description so it can focus on more action but an adjective still gets used to break things up a little bit.
And try to break up your storyline over the space of a couple of encounters. I've already been fed too much information about dragons in this piece, and my brain doesn't know what to think about any of it. Keep some things secret from me so I'm left wondering what's gonna happen or why a certain character reacted the way they did. I don't particularly care for why Tom doesn't want Tim to have a dragon because I'm pretty much just told he doesn't like them. Look at a lot of books/films/games; people will write in bits like "GASP! You don't mean..?" or "we shouldn't talk about that now" so that the reader wants to know what the hell they're talking about (I personally find those moments incredibly annoying if done badly, but eh).
"Do you really want to see your son suffer?"
"You know how I feel about dragons!"
"But THAT happened a long time ago.."
This actually frustrates the crap out of me, because it is the most irritating way to postpone information EVER. But people apparently like this, and it's better than giving readers all the information in one go.
I need to expand on this, but these were the main points that came to mind when I read the piece.
Instead of telling me their whole life story, hint at things. That whole first paragraph can essentially be replaced by a snippet of dialogue from a single character along the lines of:
"What's wrong, honey?" she suspiciously questioned, "You haven't said a word or touched your food.. This isn't like you at all."
You should also learn about the importance of the three main story components: dialogue, action and description. You have a paragraph of action which explains Tim's life (I am classing this as action because, while it describes Tim's life, there are a LOT of verbs), a section of JUST dialogue alone and no real description as far as I can see. And while these are great to have in equal amounts, you need to learn to bring them together into a single element of your story. Look at these two pieces, where red will be used for dialogue, blue will be used for action-y verbs (not all verbs), and green will be used for descriptive words. This is loosely based off of your piece simply to get my point across.
Piece 1
"You can't have a dragon."
"Why not?"
"I said so."
"But that's not fair."
"Yes it is."
Tim stormed out and went to his room, slamming the door behind him.
Piece 2
He slammed his hands down on the table furiously, "Why not?!"
"I told you, Tim," his father sighed, "you can't have a dragon and that's that!"
Tim was gearing up to childishly storm out. His face was turning a bright shade of pink.
At last he mustered the courage to confront his father, "But.. that's not fair!"
Tim threw his fork down onto the table and pushed his chair away, leaping from the cushioned seat.
The second piece is much more evenly spread out, and it feels a little less clunky and forced. Sometimes a lot of dialogue, description or action can be good for a scene but this feels like it should be a well-balanced text. Note how at the end of the second piece I don't use as much description so it can focus on more action but an adjective still gets used to break things up a little bit.
And try to break up your storyline over the space of a couple of encounters. I've already been fed too much information about dragons in this piece, and my brain doesn't know what to think about any of it. Keep some things secret from me so I'm left wondering what's gonna happen or why a certain character reacted the way they did. I don't particularly care for why Tom doesn't want Tim to have a dragon because I'm pretty much just told he doesn't like them. Look at a lot of books/films/games; people will write in bits like "GASP! You don't mean..?" or "we shouldn't talk about that now" so that the reader wants to know what the hell they're talking about (I personally find those moments incredibly annoying if done badly, but eh).
"Do you really want to see your son suffer?"
"You know how I feel about dragons!"
"But THAT happened a long time ago.."
This actually frustrates the crap out of me, because it is the most irritating way to postpone information EVER. But people apparently like this, and it's better than giving readers all the information in one go.
I need to expand on this, but these were the main points that came to mind when I read the piece.
author=Gourd_ClaeNope.
Don't "urban" and "village" kind of conflict?
Urban Village
author=CazAhem! Ahem! Okay! Didn't know so many things were wrong. Oh well. Next time I work with the story I am going to redo chapter 1 with emphasis on the things you outlined. Thanks.
I think you dabble with statements of fact too much, particularly in the first few paragraphs. You state things that characters know, think and feel as if the reader cannot decipher emotion from a scene for himself. You need to add a level of depth to things and let the reader figure it out on their own. If I had actually walked in on this scene, I wouldn't immediately know the characters' exact thoughts but I could have an educated guess from the way their bodies moved or the sounds they made.
Instead of telling me their whole life story, hint at things. That whole first paragraph can essentially be replaced by a snippet of dialogue from a single character along the lines of:
"What's wrong, honey?" she suspiciously questioned, "You haven't said a word or touched your food.. This isn't like you at all."
You should also learn about the importance of the three main story components: dialogue, action and description. You have a paragraph of action which explains Tim's life (I am classing this as action because, while it describes Tim's life, there are a LOT of verbs), a section of JUST dialogue alone and no real description as far as I can see. And while these are great to have in equal amounts, you need to learn to bring them together into a single element of your story. Look at these two pieces, where red will be used for dialogue, blue will be used for action-y verbs (not all verbs), and green will be used for descriptive words. This is loosely based off of your piece simply to get my point across.
Piece 1
"You can't have a dragon."
"Why not?"
"I said so."
"But that's not fair."
"Yes it is."
Tim stormed out and went to his room, slamming the door behind him.
Piece 2
He slammed his hands down on the table furiously, "Why not?!"
"I told you, Tim," his father sighed, "you can't have a dragon and that's that!"
Tim was gearing up to childishly storm out. His face was turning a bright shade of pink.
At last he mustered the courage to confront his father, "But.. that's not fair!"
Tim threw his fork down onto the table and pushed his chair away, leaping from the cushioned seat.
The second piece is much more evenly spread out, and it feels a little less clunky and forced. Sometimes a lot of dialogue, description or action can be good for a scene but this feels like it should be a well-balanced text. Note how at the end of the second piece I don't use as much description so it can focus on more action but an adjective still gets used to break things up a little bit.
And try to break up your storyline over the space of a couple of encounters. I've already been fed too much information about dragons in this piece, and my brain doesn't know what to think about any of it. Keep some things secret from me so I'm left wondering what's gonna happen or why a certain character reacted the way they did. I don't particularly care for why Tom doesn't want Tim to have a dragon because I'm pretty much just told he doesn't like them. Look at a lot of books/films/games; people will write in bits like "GASP! You don't mean..?" or "we shouldn't talk about that now" so that the reader wants to know what the hell they're talking about (I personally find those moments incredibly annoying if done badly, but eh).
"Do you really want to see your son suffer?"
"You know how I feel about dragons!"
"But THAT happened a long time ago.."
This actually frustrates the crap out of me, because it is the most irritating way to postpone information EVER. But people apparently like this, and it's better than giving readers all the information in one go.
I need to expand on this, but these were the main points that came to mind when I read the piece.
It wasn't that things were wrong - there's no "wrong" way to write something. Those are just pointers for how I would PERSONALLY take on writing the story, so don't take it badly or anything.
author=CazNo offence taken. The first chapter is coming along a lot better now thanks to you. So I am glad that you pointed those things out.
It wasn't that things were wrong - there's no "wrong" way to write something. Those are just pointers for how I would PERSONALLY take on writing the story, so don't take it badly or anything.
Redone, chapter 1. I will update it in the other site as soon as Caz reviews it.
‘Tim, you have barely touched your food, and it’s not like you to sit so quietly’ asked Caitlin ‘is there something on your mind?’
‘Well tomorrow is my birth day, and I was thinking may be this year I could get a dragon’ replied Tim.
Tom choked on his food.
Caitlin exclaimed, ‘Oh dear.’
He regained his breath and calmly said ‘No’.
Tim argued, ‘Why not? Tomorrow I am going to be seven and so it’s going to be completely legal.’
Tom repeated in the same manner, ‘No’.
Tim tried to explain, ‘Josh has already got one on his birthday and Evan too.’
Tom stood his ground, ‘I don’t care. No means no’
Tim, ‘But, but…’
‘No. No. No’ Tom enforced.
Tim sat there for a while blankly staring at his plate with disappointment. Then without warning he pushed his chair out, got down and stomped to his room.
At the door way he turned to his dad, eye brows furrowed, ‘Just because you don’t like them…’ He went to bed rudely slamming the door behind him. Tim thought to himself, ‘The bomb has been planted’ and crossed his fingers.
In a matter of minutes,
‘You can’t do this to our son’ said Caitlin.
Tom replied, ‘But you know when it comes to dragons I…‘
‘Your dragon phobia thing again’ Caitlin cut him off, ‘Oh! Grow up already, you’re an adult”
Tom replied, ‘But I..’
‘I had to leave my poor Phione at my mother’s when I married you’, Caitlin said more aggressively now, ‘you are not going to do the same to our son.’
Tim went to sleep with a sense of accomplishment and his parents still quarreling in the background.
‘Tim, you have barely touched your food, and it’s not like you to sit so quietly’ asked Caitlin ‘is there something on your mind?’
‘Well tomorrow is my birth day, and I was thinking may be this year I could get a dragon’ replied Tim.
Tom choked on his food.
Caitlin exclaimed, ‘Oh dear.’
He regained his breath and calmly said ‘No’.
Tim argued, ‘Why not? Tomorrow I am going to be seven and so it’s going to be completely legal.’
Tom repeated in the same manner, ‘No’.
Tim tried to explain, ‘Josh has already got one on his birthday and Evan too.’
Tom stood his ground, ‘I don’t care. No means no’
Tim, ‘But, but…’
‘No. No. No’ Tom enforced.
Tim sat there for a while blankly staring at his plate with disappointment. Then without warning he pushed his chair out, got down and stomped to his room.
At the door way he turned to his dad, eye brows furrowed, ‘Just because you don’t like them…’ He went to bed rudely slamming the door behind him. Tim thought to himself, ‘The bomb has been planted’ and crossed his fingers.
In a matter of minutes,
‘You can’t do this to our son’ said Caitlin.
Tom replied, ‘But you know when it comes to dragons I…‘
‘Your dragon phobia thing again’ Caitlin cut him off, ‘Oh! Grow up already, you’re an adult”
Tom replied, ‘But I..’
‘I had to leave my poor Phione at my mother’s when I married you’, Caitlin said more aggressively now, ‘you are not going to do the same to our son.’
Tim went to sleep with a sense of accomplishment and his parents still quarreling in the background.
For ease of access of fellow rmners I shall paste the whole story below. But if anyone is feeling charitable you are more then welcome to click on this link and read it there so that the number of views goes up.
Chapter 2
‘Tim. Tim. Tim.’ Caitlin called till Tim woke up. He rubbed one of his eyes sleepily and noticed something at the bottom of his bed with the other. It was an egg the approximately the size of a football. Upon further observation Tim was certain that it had to be the egg of a minor dragon, purple and pink lines running parallel to each other from top to bottom in a spindle.
‘Why you are not excited yet’, said Tom from the door way with his arms crossed and leaning on his side. ‘You chose the egg for me’ asked Tom. ‘Yes’ replied Tom. ‘You can’t do that’ said Tim, ‘the dragon that will hatch out of the egg will look similar to the egg itself, and so it’s really important that I choose the egg.’ Tom asked ‘Really?’. Tim exclaimed ‘Oh god! You don’t know anything about dragons do you?’. ‘Don’t worry honey; we will go to the shop right after breakfast and exchange It.’ said Caitlin, ‘go freshen up already’.
‘Ok’, said Tim as he slid down his bed. As Tim walked towards the attached bathroom Tom started to speak, ‘Would returning the egg be so simple? Don’t minor dragons have that whole pre hatched bonding thing going on? See, I do know something about dragons’. ‘Do you mean quickening?’ teased Tim ‘no. That only starts after you have physically come in contact with the egg’.
‘Physical contact!’ Tom inquired cautiously, ‘Does holding count?’. ‘Tha’, both Tom and his mom spoke in unison. ‘And what is one to do when one has come in contact with the egg of a minor dragon.’ Humbly asked Tom. ‘Aaa.. raise it’ Tim replied, ‘Wait, Dad did you?’. ‘Oh dear!’ exclaimed Caitlin.
‘How else was I supposed to bring it in’ asked Tom. ‘Gloves’ said Caitlin who was clearly trying to taunt her husband. ‘What are we supposed to do now?’ asked Tom in an alert tone. ‘Well, we can’t return it’ answered Caitlin as she got off of Tim’s bed and pretended to be oblivious to her husband’s concern, ‘we will just have to buy Tim another egg’. ‘And what about this one’ asked Tom almost losing his manly voice.’ ‘You will just have to keep it’ said Caitlin as she made her way out of the room.
‘Yea! We will raise dragons together’ said Tim as he scurried to the washroom. ‘You were not such a B when we first got married’ said Tom as soon as he thought his wife was a safe distance away. ‘I heard that’ sung Caitlin from afar. ‘Oh darling, B is for beautiful’.
Chapter 2
‘Tim. Tim. Tim.’ Caitlin called till Tim woke up. He rubbed one of his eyes sleepily and noticed something at the bottom of his bed with the other. It was an egg the approximately the size of a football. Upon further observation Tim was certain that it had to be the egg of a minor dragon, purple and pink lines running parallel to each other from top to bottom in a spindle.
‘Why you are not excited yet’, said Tom from the door way with his arms crossed and leaning on his side. ‘You chose the egg for me’ asked Tom. ‘Yes’ replied Tom. ‘You can’t do that’ said Tim, ‘the dragon that will hatch out of the egg will look similar to the egg itself, and so it’s really important that I choose the egg.’ Tom asked ‘Really?’. Tim exclaimed ‘Oh god! You don’t know anything about dragons do you?’. ‘Don’t worry honey; we will go to the shop right after breakfast and exchange It.’ said Caitlin, ‘go freshen up already’.
‘Ok’, said Tim as he slid down his bed. As Tim walked towards the attached bathroom Tom started to speak, ‘Would returning the egg be so simple? Don’t minor dragons have that whole pre hatched bonding thing going on? See, I do know something about dragons’. ‘Do you mean quickening?’ teased Tim ‘no. That only starts after you have physically come in contact with the egg’.
‘Physical contact!’ Tom inquired cautiously, ‘Does holding count?’. ‘Tha’, both Tom and his mom spoke in unison. ‘And what is one to do when one has come in contact with the egg of a minor dragon.’ Humbly asked Tom. ‘Aaa.. raise it’ Tim replied, ‘Wait, Dad did you?’. ‘Oh dear!’ exclaimed Caitlin.
‘How else was I supposed to bring it in’ asked Tom. ‘Gloves’ said Caitlin who was clearly trying to taunt her husband. ‘What are we supposed to do now?’ asked Tom in an alert tone. ‘Well, we can’t return it’ answered Caitlin as she got off of Tim’s bed and pretended to be oblivious to her husband’s concern, ‘we will just have to buy Tim another egg’. ‘And what about this one’ asked Tom almost losing his manly voice.’ ‘You will just have to keep it’ said Caitlin as she made her way out of the room.
‘Yea! We will raise dragons together’ said Tim as he scurried to the washroom. ‘You were not such a B when we first got married’ said Tom as soon as he thought his wife was a safe distance away. ‘I heard that’ sung Caitlin from afar. ‘Oh darling, B is for beautiful’.
Pages:
1
