SAVIORS OF TIME: CHAPTER 1 "NEVAEH BLADE'S STORY" FEEDBACK PLEASE. PLEASE LOCK

Note: This series take place in a alternative universe. Earth still exist.
I felt like posting it here because it started off as an RPG game on Game Maker. Now I am Making chapters for it.

Story A

Intro

On a defeat planet known as Nevah, The people of planet were known as humans. The
Planet was create by the great heavenly beings. Many people knew about the great queen of the Rose Empire, who claims to be the daughter of the great Rose Mary herself.

Nevaeh Shōmei, The Future Ruler Nevah .

One day in the Lighting Village, A young girl named Nevaeh Shōmei was the daughter of Balde Shōmei and Hana Shōmei. Hana Shomei had an important meeting to discuss with the elder, old ruler of Nevah before Rose,. Blade Shōmei was over the Blade army, the army of Lighting. Nevaeh Shomei told her father," How did you got to be in charge of a great army." Her father smiled and said, “This army was formed by the old great Lighting general Zeus, My Great Old Grand Father, and it passed down to me." He continued." There are even legends that the army will help join all nations into one." Nevaeh responded," Wow! Do you think I will ever be in control of the blade army one day." Her father said, "Yes!, after me, this army will be yours to take."

During the Meeting with the Elder Ruler of Nevah

On Sunday noon, Hana Shōmei meeting was about the next ruler of Neavah's Great Empire. The Elders knew that the Great Empire was falling apart and Rose was making it worse. One of the Elders said, "We have good news and bad annoying news. The good news is that your daughter is going to be the next ruler of the Nevah' Empire,but the bad news is that Rose is not going to give up her place as queen of the Nevah'Empire without a fight. She hates the lighting Tribe and wishes to destroy the whole Lighting Village. “Hana Shomei said" We most likely going to battle with that fool the next or after. We should be getting the troopers ready for battle right now.*Thinks to herself* "Rose can’t be this stupid to fight us.We can just paralyzed all her man with our lighting. I can't believe my Nevaeh is going to be such a important person in the future. "

The Defeat.: Hardship with the Mind.

Later on that night,Nevaeh was in her room. She looks in her in the mirror. Nevaeh in the Mirror said, "So, your going to be a queen.I like that idea." Nevaeh said back, “Me two. My mom told me all about it. I am sacred that I might make the wrong choices and nobody won't like me. Nevaeh in the Mirror said," Just be yourself and have fun.I will always be there for you." Nevaeh started to smiled and got ready for bed.

When Nevaeh got up the next morning, She noticed that the house was quiet then normal. Her mother and father was not home. When she open her house, she saw hundreds of corpse of dead friends. villagers. and her parents.Nevaeh was terrified and broken hearted. She quckly started to cry before a group of Rose Empire Soilders captured her.

A day later.

Later on the next day, She was take to Queen Rose.Nevaeh screamed, “WHY DID YOU KILL MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY." Rose repiled," You can take it out the Sauté of the end. It was that thing who help me destroy your poor weak family. Also your father told me that if he died you who be in charge of the Blade Army or my foot amry.Now you are a leader now. I will keep you alive as my slave, don't listen and no dinner." Nevaeh said sadly,"Ok," and headed to her new room."

Many years have pass since then, Nevaeh now lost everything she loved. The survivors of the Lighting Tribe became slave. Some were work to death. Even the Blade Soldiers became useless and were losing there good name in war due to Rose.
Nevaeh was only 8 years old and made a promised that one day she would give the blade army back it powerful name.

Ten years later:

Ten years have passed and Nevaeh have made friends with David Leo, who could be only killed by holy weapons was known as the holy beings.Nevaeh was now 18 years old and her army was as small as a village. Rose soon calls Nevaeh and David to her meeting hall for a mission. Rose was now more alert. She did not accept no drinks or food during the meeting. She also kept all windows shut tight , for she knew the world hated her and wanted her dead. Even her own solders for making choices that almost destroyed the great Nevah Army during the Battle of NoMand.Rose Said," I have an important mission for you today. The Forest of Light and Tower of Judgment and Mind, the tower we use to get that Statue of the End have a strange power source coming form it. I guess the statue not to happy that we needed help even after ten years.Nevaeh and David, I will send you two to go check out the tower of Judgment and Mind and the Forest of Light.I have send some Soldiers too. I don't know what is going on. Be careful. David Leo replied," There also ancient weapons and Temples in that forest. the ancient weapons are living golems. Nevaeh, I heard these golem have strong powers. We are going to have to work together. You will protect me right?" Nevaeh did not say nothing and David and Nevaeh walk to the forest.

The Ture Face of Lighting...Rage and Haterd

A week has passed since David and Nevaeh left to the forest.
Queen Ross was growing reastless. She was afraid that if that statue attacks, Everyone would know that she was the one who caused it.

Nevaeh and David was exporling a ruin untill she find a sword known as the sword of Judgement that can kill David and take his powers for her own.David was to afaird to use the weapon. When Nevaeh made it out side she heard her voice said,"I know you want to do it. GO a head, kill him and take his gory and powers."Nevaeh soon pulled out a sword and killed David and took his powers. Now she was immortal (Could only be kill by old ancint weapons and could become a poweful leader.

Writer notes: I will Add more later. I might edit the ending. I just got tired typing.Sorry for mistakes.

Tell me something you don't understand.

Edit: Ok, I known this may not be a good story but do you think the this one might be more better.

Note Max is David and Mary is Nevaeh. This is the game version of the story.

The story so long I did not feel like typing it again.

Story B

"The story start at when the world was at peace.There were two kids,one was a young boy who
was born with very storng powers.He don’t know how to use all of his powers.Nobody never feared him because
he was a very kind kid.The other one was a girl who was jealous of her younger friend powers.
is a very skilled fighter who wish to become as powerful as her bother.One day The Nex(Who was the first technology devices in the world)warned the village cheaf about the boy powers.(I need to come up with names,I
will call the boy max and the girl mary for now so you won’t be confuse.)The Nex said that an enemy could invade the village and take max powers away.He saw a vison of it.The village cheaf said that was impossible for the kid
to die becuse he is immortle.(He really is immortle and stop growing at 10 years old) This “vison” started to scared the whole world.Soon,The Nex sent Max and Mary to the tower of power to get rid of Max powers.(This mark the end of the intro,andtutorials)The first two chapters of the games have a nature theme and some old temples.Now,in chapter two,Mary will find a new sword in the temple of laws.This is the only sword that can kill Max.The boss of chapter two is going to be Max.Mary will try to kill Max because if Max is killed.His enemy would get his powersThis battle is not going to be like the other battles.It going to be more emotional. After the battle with Max.Max mother who was the queen of the Rose Empire started a war on the blade Empire.

Note: Nevaeh did kill David for the same Reason. What story do you think is better.