XMAS STORY 2013

Every year, I write a story about Christmas and stuff for my family, as a way to spit in the eye of consumerism. I'm not religious about it and still get people gifts. But, most people just get my story. This year, my family is in tatters and while I was going to write a story about holograms, family issues and a man contemplating suicide; I wrote this fluff piece. Couldn't be assed. Still, it's a bit of fun, so please enjoy. If you enjoy reading words, that is.

Here’s What Happened
by J. S. Longstreet

Okay, so I totally found this rock that gave me a super duper power. Can you imagine that? I couldn't, nor could my friend Teddy. Oh well, his loss. I could do pretty much anything I wanted to. If I wanted to fly, I could fly. If I wanted to draw really well, I could draw really well. If I wanted to know the lyrics to any song, I could do that too! You name it! Boy was I super duper excited! I became better than Superman! It was soooo cool.
So you're probably wondering who I am, well that's easy! I'm Billy Bowman. My dad owns a tire dealership. It was cool that he let me use my room as my base of operation. Mom didn't mind, but said I had to leave my super duper hero suit at home in the toychest whenever I went to visit her on weekends, which kinda was not fun. After all how can a super duper hero do his work outside of his uniform? No one would recognise me! They'd just say, "Hey look in the sky! It's a kid!" And then people would be afraid.
But if they saw a super duper hero up there, they'd say, "Wowie-zowie, lookie there! It's a super duper hero!"
Anyway, It was one of the mom-visiting weekends that did me in. I had to visit when Aunt Margie was there with her stinky old cat named King.
King is my arch-nemesis. He chews cords, claws couches, pees on the floor, and lays in front of you when you are walking by. He's such a meanie! And when I pet him, he just bites me! Such a bad cat. He is my enemy.
When King saw me come in the door, he began purring and rubbing against my leg, acting all cute and nice; but I knew he was just putting a show on for my mom and Aunt Margie, who was knitting next to Mom’s new television set. She was watching Leave it to Beaver. Golly! I was tempted to join her, but my mom made me go upstairs and wash up before dinner. She always did that. It's a Mom thing.
When I was at the top of her stairs, looking at her bathroom, I felt King’s eyes on the back of my neck. He was up to something now that no one was looking. Before I could turn to check, the cat slinked by me and into the bathroom ahead, then laid on the bath mat as if it were a bed.
King was an especially fat and fluffy tabby, so he looked especially like a big old football that had grown into a mammal overnight. It was real annoying having that darn cat in there, because he would always bite my ankles and cover my pants in fur.
Once, I started to wash my hands, of course King got up like a slug and began rubbing against me. I even said, "No King! Go away, kitty!" But he just wouldn't! He purred louder and began laying around with his belly up.
Then, when I kicked him gently to go away, he pawed at my legs and his little claws caught in my sock. He tried pulling it free, but it was stuck. Finally, he pried it out but in doing so, ripped the back of my sock! I hated that cat so much. When I wasn't really thinking, my super duper powers activated, and I turned him into a big old spring. Then I kicked him again, not knowing what I had done, and he went boing boing boing bouncing down the stairs into the living room where my Aunt Margie was watching television. I guess King the Spring meowed, because the next minute, my Aunt came screeching out of the room, and was crying so much!
I was really afraid so I went into my special room, where my mom kept a bed for me and her guests, and hid under the bed. I didn't know that I had turned invisible, but apparently I had because no one could find me! They were calling my name, sounding terrified but I knew they were actually just real sore with me for turning King into a coil of cat. It was an honest mistake anyone with super duper powers might make! Honest!
If I had known he was a spring before I kicked him away for clawing my sock, then I wouldn’t have kicked quite so hard---or maybe I would have turned him back into a cat again! But it was a spring.
Anyway, after an hour, I heard my mom and Aunt Margie say that I wasn't in the house, and then the front door close shut. I guess they were super angry because they didn't come back for hours! After that, I was really bored, and became visible again. I crawled out from under the bed, and went downstairs. King the Spring was laying on his side, meowing helplessly. I felt kinda bad about it, so I tried to turn him back into a cat again, but I couldn't! Something was wrong with my powers, because King only turned into a Spring-Cat! The front was a cat with head and legs. The rest was just a long spring!
At once, King began bouncing around the apartment. His coil snagged on Aunt Margie's knitting and undid all her work. Then he bounced so much that the yarn was draped all across the living room. When he had done that, King clawed the window drapes and stuck to it. There he waited and meowed.
What happened next was incredible! I was so angry at King for making a mess that I turned him accidentally into a Spring-Giraffe! The Spring-Giraffe was really super annoying and long. He was super tall and his neck was made a spring, which didn't fit in the living room. So King the Spring-Giraffe had to bend down between his legs.
In the scramble to stay in the room, King's legs kicked and fussed, knockng holes in the wall, window, and even mom's expensive television! It was horrible! So of course I tried and tried and tried to resize King into a Spring-Giraffe the size of regular King. But it didn't work, and he became a mouse-sized King! I didn't know what to do now because King scrambled and wobbled under the sofa was never seen again. Ha, I wish. Actually he just hid there while I searched all over for him, so I could try to turn him back into a cat again. It was no good because Mom's sofa was too low to get under. So I did the only thing I could do, and that was shrink down into the size of a mouse myself!
At this size I was having trouble moving across the floor, since the carpet was up to my knees. But I stuck it out and waddled under the sofa. It was real scary and dark under there. I had to grow lightbulb eyes so I could see in the dark, it was the only way! When I turned on my light bulb eyes, I was able to see King's wobbling head as he pranced around under the sofa! So next I used the ability to grow really big fishnet hands and caught him! I tried to turn him back into a cat as soon as I caught him.
King meowed and turned back into a cat body. Which was now very bigger than me. So I had to run because King thought I was a snack, or maybe because he's super duper evil and hates me. This is why I call him my super nemesis. I never liked him and he always hated me, and tried to get me in trouble.
Finally I got out from under the sofa and began to fly. I zoomed around the house and landed on top of the lamp next to the sofa. King instantly leapt at me and tried to eat me again, knocking over the lamp this time. So I flew across to the bookshelf all the way to the top and sat there.
Then King started clawing up the shelf, knocking books off each shelf as he went, until he got to the top where his weight made the bookshelf fall over. King and I lept off to the side and were unhurt, but the bookshelf broke in half and books were everywhere!
When I landed on the ground, and I was back to my normal size and my eyes were normal! King glanced at me, then slinked away out of the room to go eat dinner. That was when my mom and Auntie Margie came home. They opened the front door and there I was surrounded by the destroyed living room, with yarn all over. It was a real disaster. My mom fell against the wall in disbelief, while my Aunt Margie said, "You see what I told you? Leave that brat alone for five minutes and he'll destroy the place!”
I tried to explain everything that happened, but for some reason no one believed me.
That's when King came back and rubbed against my side. I was defeated. Everyone blamed me for the mess and I was sent to my room without dinner.
After that night, my dad grounded me every night for months. It was terrible. Eventually, the powers that I had gotten from the mysterious rock began to fade, and I couldn't do anything except tie my own shoes. Everything I wanted to do was normal stuff, like playing with Teddy in the park.
A year later, King died and Aunt Margie began to live with the my mom. Never again could I use super duper powers. But, I swear it all happened. I'm not lying. If I could still use my powers I would go back in time and fix everything before King ruined my life.

The End