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THE WHITE KNIGHTS LEGACY SERIES
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lonestarluigi
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CloseOK so i had this idea for a series of games called the white knights legacy here is the story for the first game. reason i'm putting this here is to see if anyone would like to actually play this game and series if enough people would i'll defiantly get started on it. i got have motivation to make a game thats why i stopped with super mario bros DX lost motivation.
the White knights are the world’s strongest knights to ever live, they were a group of power hungry men and women who thought they owned it all. They murdered the king and have become rulers of Aspheal. The gods were angry with this, they passed off their powers to the white knights to do well for the world and they disobeyed them. When the gods commanded the knight’s leader Ike to command his army to rebuild the kingdom and restore the land, he disobeyed them. This angered Ike so much that he tried to build a tower to the god’s domains to destroy the gods. The tower was almost at the top until the gods decided to end off the white knights lives. Now the tower still stands and is every adventurers dream to explore it. Michael the youngest at the Knights guild decided he was done with the orders and chores the upper knights give him, he gathers up his friends and sets out to go explore the land and the tower, and show the world he was a true adventurer.
the White knights are the world’s strongest knights to ever live, they were a group of power hungry men and women who thought they owned it all. They murdered the king and have become rulers of Aspheal. The gods were angry with this, they passed off their powers to the white knights to do well for the world and they disobeyed them. When the gods commanded the knight’s leader Ike to command his army to rebuild the kingdom and restore the land, he disobeyed them. This angered Ike so much that he tried to build a tower to the god’s domains to destroy the gods. The tower was almost at the top until the gods decided to end off the white knights lives. Now the tower still stands and is every adventurers dream to explore it. Michael the youngest at the Knights guild decided he was done with the orders and chores the upper knights give him, he gathers up his friends and sets out to go explore the land and the tower, and show the world he was a true adventurer.
lumaki
0
This is still just an early idea, right? It's simple and it works, but right now your characters are missing a lot of motivation and the world could be developed more.
Why did the White Knights murder the king? Being power-hungry kind of falls flat when it's been done so many times before. They've already got it good living as super human beings favored as heroes (I assume) so why make things complicated and betray the king? Were they fooled by one rogue White Knight or are you set on all the White Knights being horrible people? Why are the White Knights bestowed powers from the gods? How did they gain such a privilege? Did they perform some heroic feats beforehand, and wouldn't these feats enforce their just characterization? And after Ike manages to build this super tall tower the gods just decide to kill him and all the White Knights? Years spent building a tower while opposing the gods and just getting crushed as a kind of lazy god's afterthought... I guess the gods were trolling him hardcore. It's an anticlimatic ending for the poor guy. It might be interesting if you leave it ambiguous - maybe he did finish the tower, maybe he didn't. No one's been at the top so how could they know, right?
Also, does Michael want to be a knight or adventurer? Is it necessary to have him start out as a failed knight-in-training or does it make more sense to start him off as wannabe adventure? Who is he trying to prove this to? Trying to prove something to the world makes him seem like an angry teenager - I'm sure the world does not care about Michael's dream (unless the world is like 10 people). Proving he can be an adventurer to an individual person like his dad, that girl next door, that guy who picked on him, heck even himself - I'd buy into that. Do his friends want to be adventurers too? Or are they just freeloading off him and planning to ditch him in that super city three dungeons away?
Also, this tower is old. Has it become a national monument? Are there annoying tourists and loads of cheap merchandise? Swarms of excavators flocking to it? I mean, it can't just be sitting there completely ignored by society. There's probably a lot of already looted areas (unless the tower's been sealed off and the hero finds some way to gain entrance).
Speaking of which, who is ruling the land now? King's dead. White Knights too. Is it some distant blood relative of the king's? Some new chosen one of the Gods? Is it a free for all, full of brigands and blood thirsty killers?
I apologize for all the questions and critical analysis - I'm just trying to help you expand your ideas a bit more, and I believe the first step is getting to know your story better (as that's what you presented). I don't know if this game is intended to be story driven, but if so, you should get a better grasp on the world and characters.
Would I play this? I can't really say. Right now it's just a thought that needs to be fleshed out further. You haven't even introduced possible gameplay mechanics yet. I'd say keep working on it until you know it yourself. Is this a game you want to play or you wish existed? If yes, then yeah, go make it.
Why did the White Knights murder the king? Being power-hungry kind of falls flat when it's been done so many times before. They've already got it good living as super human beings favored as heroes (I assume) so why make things complicated and betray the king? Were they fooled by one rogue White Knight or are you set on all the White Knights being horrible people? Why are the White Knights bestowed powers from the gods? How did they gain such a privilege? Did they perform some heroic feats beforehand, and wouldn't these feats enforce their just characterization? And after Ike manages to build this super tall tower the gods just decide to kill him and all the White Knights? Years spent building a tower while opposing the gods and just getting crushed as a kind of lazy god's afterthought... I guess the gods were trolling him hardcore. It's an anticlimatic ending for the poor guy. It might be interesting if you leave it ambiguous - maybe he did finish the tower, maybe he didn't. No one's been at the top so how could they know, right?
Also, does Michael want to be a knight or adventurer? Is it necessary to have him start out as a failed knight-in-training or does it make more sense to start him off as wannabe adventure? Who is he trying to prove this to? Trying to prove something to the world makes him seem like an angry teenager - I'm sure the world does not care about Michael's dream (unless the world is like 10 people). Proving he can be an adventurer to an individual person like his dad, that girl next door, that guy who picked on him, heck even himself - I'd buy into that. Do his friends want to be adventurers too? Or are they just freeloading off him and planning to ditch him in that super city three dungeons away?
Also, this tower is old. Has it become a national monument? Are there annoying tourists and loads of cheap merchandise? Swarms of excavators flocking to it? I mean, it can't just be sitting there completely ignored by society. There's probably a lot of already looted areas (unless the tower's been sealed off and the hero finds some way to gain entrance).
Speaking of which, who is ruling the land now? King's dead. White Knights too. Is it some distant blood relative of the king's? Some new chosen one of the Gods? Is it a free for all, full of brigands and blood thirsty killers?
I apologize for all the questions and critical analysis - I'm just trying to help you expand your ideas a bit more, and I believe the first step is getting to know your story better (as that's what you presented). I don't know if this game is intended to be story driven, but if so, you should get a better grasp on the world and characters.
Would I play this? I can't really say. Right now it's just a thought that needs to be fleshed out further. You haven't even introduced possible gameplay mechanics yet. I'd say keep working on it until you know it yourself. Is this a game you want to play or you wish existed? If yes, then yeah, go make it.
you made some very good points here. this was basically the core story everything you listed was eventually going to be told in the game why the knights got there god like powers, and basically nobody knows if he actually reached the god's domain see the story here being told from a person in the world its not an official story until somebody proves it. also the tower has been sealed off for years thats why it says its been every adventurers dream to explore it and the main character micheal is going to be the first. also the tower is a landmark in the world and many people go to look at it but can't go inside.
i don't take your ideas as a bad thing. i actually encourage people to give me feedback and suggestions i should have stated this stuff in the story but i forgot to thanks for your suggestions :D
lumaki
0
author=lonestarluigi
you made some very good points here. this was basically the core story everything you listed was eventually going to be told in the game why the knights got there god like powers, and basically nobody knows if he actually reached the god's domain see the story here being told from a person in the world its not an official story until somebody proves it. also the tower has been sealed off for years thats why it says its been every adventurers dream to explore it and the main character micheal is going to be the first. also the tower is a landmark in the world and many people go to look at it but can't go inside.
i don't take your ideas as a bad thing. i actually encourage people to give me feedback and suggestions i should have stated this stuff in the story but i forgot to thanks for your suggestions :D
Okay, really, honestly? Your character is not telling us the story right now, you are telling us the story. It's cool that you're 'planning' all of these awesome twists and what not, but you seriously don't understand that if something seems generic and cliche in the beginning and you advertise it as such, it's not appealing. You need a hook. Summarize your story in one sentence. If it doesn't sound interesting, it's because it isn't. What is this about and why are we playing this? Who is the main character? What's at stake? Why do we care?
Your game currently: A lazy knight-in-training tired of his duties, casts aside his responsibilities and sets out to become an 'adventurer,' dragging his friends along with him for the ride.
i.e. Your main character doesn't deserve a reward because he did something foolish and should not end up better off because of it - if he does then he's a Gary Stu. Also, no conflict. Where is it? And don't say random encounters.
Also, you need an ending. You don't have to tell me what it is (that's for your mom, bro, bff, whoever the hell you trust), just tell me you have one. You need an ending to properly plot out the story from a to b - ensure the player gets to walk away satisfied with the experience. It's all about the journey, man.
Don't say RPGs are too long to summarize in one sentence. They aren't.
Also, I'm glad I was able to list everything you forgot to say. If you like your idea, surely you've been written it all down somewhere? I hate wasting my time.
Son, I am disappoint. -_-
UPRC
5516
I think you may be digging too deeply lumaki, since lonestarsluigi basically just threw us a brief "does this setting seem okay?" premise rather than a detailed write up on the characters and such.
Overall, I think that it sounds like it has potential and it could be worth pursuing. I'd say play with the setting some more, develop the characters and story some more to see if it's something you feel that you could keep interesting to players from start to finish. An ancient tower that breaks the clouds and is open to adventurers is a cool idea though!
Overall, I think that it sounds like it has potential and it could be worth pursuing. I'd say play with the setting some more, develop the characters and story some more to see if it's something you feel that you could keep interesting to players from start to finish. An ancient tower that breaks the clouds and is open to adventurers is a cool idea though!
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