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[CRITIQUE] MY GAME'S STORY...SO FAR.
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CloseI have started my old game idea from scratch in the past few days. I am mostly just mapping and figuring out the main plot at the moment. Any critiques and suggestions would be awesome!
Lessents Story
The main plot of Lessents Story revolves around a ring of great power (and a hobbit...just kidding). Whoever wears this ring is granted their deepest dream to be a reality. The act of putting on this ring not only grants you your dream, but also bonds the wearer and the ring together: for as long as the wearer is alive, the ring's pact can't be broken. More mystery could possibly surround the ring.
To summarize, many years ago the last person to hold the ring threw it up from a floating isle, after it cost him his life, and everyone he ever loved. The ring landed in the ocean and eventully found its way to a cave. The game starts out in a normal town, with a normal young man, Lessents. Basicly, Lessents' sister goes missing after she discovers the ring, and decides to put it on, not knowing that it would grant her the dream to be the Princess. Lessents goes on a journey to find his sister, and finds that an Empire has been searching for the ring for years. Upon his Sister's new identity and pact with the ring, the original Princess is on a journey to discover what has happened to herself, and why nobody recogonizes her. Destiny will have it that Lessents and the real Princess join together, along with many other companions to discover the secrets of the ring.
I don't want to give too much away, but I was wondering if this sounded interesting or original at all. I have many interesting twists and turns planned.
Lessents Story
The main plot of Lessents Story revolves around a ring of great power (and a hobbit...just kidding). Whoever wears this ring is granted their deepest dream to be a reality. The act of putting on this ring not only grants you your dream, but also bonds the wearer and the ring together: for as long as the wearer is alive, the ring's pact can't be broken. More mystery could possibly surround the ring.
To summarize, many years ago the last person to hold the ring threw it up from a floating isle, after it cost him his life, and everyone he ever loved. The ring landed in the ocean and eventully found its way to a cave. The game starts out in a normal town, with a normal young man, Lessents. Basicly, Lessents' sister goes missing after she discovers the ring, and decides to put it on, not knowing that it would grant her the dream to be the Princess. Lessents goes on a journey to find his sister, and finds that an Empire has been searching for the ring for years. Upon his Sister's new identity and pact with the ring, the original Princess is on a journey to discover what has happened to herself, and why nobody recogonizes her. Destiny will have it that Lessents and the real Princess join together, along with many other companions to discover the secrets of the ring.
I don't want to give too much away, but I was wondering if this sounded interesting or original at all. I have many interesting twists and turns planned.
Wow I haven't seen one of these topics in forever (I kind of assumed they were no longer allowed).
Anyway, my main critique is that it is far too derivative of Tolkien and also generic evil Empire yawn. The last bit (real princess versus fake princess) is kind of interesting and at least I'm not immediately beat over the head with what it's ripped from.
On the plus side, it was NOT too long for me to even bother reading it. Which is a rarity with this kind of thread.
Edit:
Also not in love with the name "Lessents"
Anyway, my main critique is that it is far too derivative of Tolkien and also generic evil Empire yawn. The last bit (real princess versus fake princess) is kind of interesting and at least I'm not immediately beat over the head with what it's ripped from.
On the plus side, it was NOT too long for me to even bother reading it. Which is a rarity with this kind of thread.
Edit:
Also not in love with the name "Lessents"
Thanks Max for your input. And yeah, I understand how painful it can be to read a huge thread.
I really don't think it will come across as being like LotR in gameplay and storytelling, I'm wondering if I hadn't even said anything of a ring, maybe a necklace or a stone causing all of this, if you would have thought Tolkein? As for the evil Empire, I too have grown sick of this, so the main conflict will not come from the empire itself, but more so the journey and twists that the main character goes to find his sister, and how he changes because of what happens. (This is my hope at least) I will consider coming up with a new name, but for now (essence with an L) stays haha. =D
But your input has given me some more motives to stray away from the cliche. Thank you good sir.
I really don't think it will come across as being like LotR in gameplay and storytelling, I'm wondering if I hadn't even said anything of a ring, maybe a necklace or a stone causing all of this, if you would have thought Tolkein? As for the evil Empire, I too have grown sick of this, so the main conflict will not come from the empire itself, but more so the journey and twists that the main character goes to find his sister, and how he changes because of what happens. (This is my hope at least) I will consider coming up with a new name, but for now (essence with an L) stays haha. =D
But your input has given me some more motives to stray away from the cliche. Thank you good sir.
I like the story. Yes, maybe changing from a ring to something else would do good. Try something weird... like a spider that grants wishes. But it doesn't matter much.
Also not a big fan of the name. Lessents is not L + essence. L'essence = the essence in French. Well, maybe you have a reason to call your main character "essence".
I also feel like you gave up the whole story in that... So if there's any surprises, doesn't seem like it. I mean... doesn't make me curious.
To be honest, your story reminds me of Final Fantasy Tactics Advance, the whole Prince Mewt thing. But I don't see your story as unoriginal. I like it.
Also not a big fan of the name. Lessents is not L + essence. L'essence = the essence in French. Well, maybe you have a reason to call your main character "essence".
I also feel like you gave up the whole story in that... So if there's any surprises, doesn't seem like it. I mean... doesn't make me curious.
To be honest, your story reminds me of Final Fantasy Tactics Advance, the whole Prince Mewt thing. But I don't see your story as unoriginal. I like it.
First off, originality is somewhat overrated. As long as your story (or anyone's story for that matter) isn't being almost 100% drawn from something else...maybe just like fragments of something...then it's usually okay in my book. Now, I'm not saying it's okay to completely rip off someone else's story, but it's okay to be inspired by another story.
Your story, while it obviously has some elements being drawn from Lord of the Rings, is acceptable to me. The Princess/Fake Princess thing is especially interesting...especially if that isn't the main focus (like Max McGee said).
However, if you'd like make your story a little more original, then...yeah, change the ring to something like a pendent or maybe a type of emblem or something. Besides the magical/evil ring aspect, everything else sounds good to me.
And yeah, Lessents is kind of an odd name, even for a made up one. >.>
Your story, while it obviously has some elements being drawn from Lord of the Rings, is acceptable to me. The Princess/Fake Princess thing is especially interesting...especially if that isn't the main focus (like Max McGee said).
However, if you'd like make your story a little more original, then...yeah, change the ring to something like a pendent or maybe a type of emblem or something. Besides the magical/evil ring aspect, everything else sounds good to me.
And yeah, Lessents is kind of an odd name, even for a made up one. >.>
I personally think that concentrating on writting good dialogue and figuring out good pacing is way more important than the story itself. It doesn't matter if it isn't original as long as you can keep us interested. I have no gripes with the storyline at all and I hope you can do something interesting with the two princesses.
Also, I'll tell you why I hate the name Lessents: "View Lessents's Status". Avoid names that end in an S.
Also, I'll tell you why I hate the name Lessents: "View Lessents's Status". Avoid names that end in an S.
Crystalgate
694
I also find the two princesses interesting. I see a lot of potential here.
About the empire, does it have to be an evil empire even? <i>Any</i> empire would have been after such a ring. Even if it wasn't for the desire to have it, a ring like that is a threat if anyone else gets it.
I don't think changing the ring to something else really does much in terms of originality. That seems to me like changing "Attack" to "Strike". Same thing, different name. Even though both your story and LotR has a powerful ring, it has to be a significantly different story.
About the empire, does it have to be an evil empire even? <i>Any</i> empire would have been after such a ring. Even if it wasn't for the desire to have it, a ring like that is a threat if anyone else gets it.
I don't think changing the ring to something else really does much in terms of originality. That seems to me like changing "Attack" to "Strike". Same thing, different name. Even though both your story and LotR has a powerful ring, it has to be a significantly different story.
Thank you all for the input. I will try to come up with a new name, and title name now too.
I think I might keep the ring as, well, a ring. I like the idea that you have to wear it, and the fact that it is a simple ring that causes such great power. At first I was thinking of changing it to a stone, but then where would the stone go? The idea that this powerful thing can be seen, but not quite understood is important. I also thought of changing it to a creature that would kind of posses someone, but I think I will stick to the ring.
@LWG: Yes, this is true, and a great reminder. My main concern is pacing, because I tend to throw in a ton of sidequests, so I am wondering how the average gamer will react.
Thanks to everyone who helped!
I think I might keep the ring as, well, a ring. I like the idea that you have to wear it, and the fact that it is a simple ring that causes such great power. At first I was thinking of changing it to a stone, but then where would the stone go? The idea that this powerful thing can be seen, but not quite understood is important. I also thought of changing it to a creature that would kind of posses someone, but I think I will stick to the ring.
@LWG: Yes, this is true, and a great reminder. My main concern is pacing, because I tend to throw in a ton of sidequests, so I am wondering how the average gamer will react.
Thanks to everyone who helped!
Pasty
908
throwin' this out there
you could change the ring to a gauntlet and make it so that touching things with different finger combinations does different things
you could change the ring to a gauntlet and make it so that touching things with different finger combinations does different things
The premise does sound interesting, however there was one thing that bugs me.
How exactly did he throw it away if the ring and the one who wears it are in a pact that cannot be broken? Or maybe it isn't a physical pact, like I am assuming it is, but rather one where after you put the ring on the first time you can take it off/put it on as much as you want. Or something like that. Anyway, just something I noticed and thought I would point it out(hopefully for the betterment of the story)
post=132822
The act of putting on this ring not only grants you your dream, but also bonds the wearer and the ring together: for as long as the wearer is alive, the ring's pact can't be broken.
To summarize, many years ago the last person to hold the ring threw it up from a floating isle, after it cost him his life, and everyone he ever loved.
How exactly did he throw it away if the ring and the one who wears it are in a pact that cannot be broken? Or maybe it isn't a physical pact, like I am assuming it is, but rather one where after you put the ring on the first time you can take it off/put it on as much as you want. Or something like that. Anyway, just something I noticed and thought I would point it out(hopefully for the betterment of the story)
Nice job Jason, was hoping no one would notice that! :-P
I never said he wore it, only that he had it...Part of the game will flash back and show the details of the last owner, and how this man was affected.
@Pasty: That is a pretty sweet idea actually, but I think I will stick with the ring. However that idea is pretty sweet, and gave me an idea for how the ring will affect those who are closest to the person who is wearing it (loved ones, etc..)
I never said he wore it, only that he had it...Part of the game will flash back and show the details of the last owner, and how this man was affected.
@Pasty: That is a pretty sweet idea actually, but I think I will stick with the ring. However that idea is pretty sweet, and gave me an idea for how the ring will affect those who are closest to the person who is wearing it (loved ones, etc..)
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