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DOING IT! - WEEK TWELVE - DIALOGUE
Posts
Nightblade
2723
Nightblade
View playlists
CloseWell Feld, it all sounds very forced and unnatural, especially this line:
I knew the first part but not the second. You never told me you had brothers.
I don't know who this Tricycle fellow is, but "Night Night" is most likely out of character as well.
I knew the first part but not the second. You never told me you had brothers.
I don't know who this Tricycle fellow is, but "Night Night" is most likely out of character as well.
Yeaster
6164
post=151889
This is something I posted a while ago, but I didn't really get much feedback. I've been working on the cutscenes for Lyonell Manor. I've already finished a few, but I thought I'd share one with you all and see if you think it sounds alright. Anyone who has played the demo to completion will probably get what's happening.Epoch and Elise enter Lyonell Manor.
ELISE: So this is Lyonell Manor? The energy of this place...it's like nothing I've ever felt before. The manor itself...feels alive.
ELISE: What on Linguardia could be emanating such a powerful aura?
EPOCH: Good question.
Epoch slowly walks further inside. He stops for a moment after hearing nearby sound. All of a sudden, Slade emerges forth from the darkness, pushing Epoch against the stone wall with the tip of his sword against Epoch's throat.
ELISE: Epoch!
Elise rushes over to help Epoch.
EPOCH: Urggh...Slade...what are you....?
SLADE: Hmph. I see it really is you.
Slade withdraws his sword.
EPOCH: Huff...who the hell did you think it was?
SLADE: I thought perhaps you were the demon I was seeking.
EPOCH: Demon? I thought you said you came here to recover something?
SLADE: That's right. This demon likely possesses what I seek. That is assuming I'm not too late.
They hear a distant roar from within the manor's depths.
ELISE: I assume that's him?
SLADE: Without a doubt.
Slade pauses to contemplate.
SLADE: It seems this demon has been here for many centuries.
Slade looks over at Elise.
SLADE: As someone who is adept at the heraldric arts, you've surely felt it by now. The dimension of this building is unstable. The structure itself has actually become a living, breathing part of the demon.
Slade pauses a moment and then begins walking further into the manor.
EPOCH: Wait! Hold on a second!
SLADE: What is it? I don't have time to stand around and chat with you. I have a job to do.
EPOCH: If you're looking for what I think you are, then this pertains to me as well.
EPOCH: I'm coming with you.
Elise looks at Epoch confused. Slade contemplates.
SLADE: Fine, but if you get in my way, I won't hesitate to cut you both down.
Anyway, that's the first scene. Any thoughts?
There was a poster here who absolutely despised the name 'Slade' with a burning blaze of passion. The name doesn't bother me, but whenever I see it, I do LOL to myself.
Anyways, not bad. It's intriguing. If I must be critical, the three characters kind of all had the same speaking pattern, and based on this one scene, Slade's personality is somewhat typical -- something you would expect a character named 'Slade' to have.
Also, if it's the very first scene in the game, I think you may need something slightly "meatier." Something that a) is attention grabbing b) tells us a little bit about the characters we'll be playing as and c) sets the general mood the game will have. This scene is good but it kind of feels like a second scene, if that makes any sense.
Like, maybe you could have a scene with Epoch meeting up with Elise and show how/why they arrived at the mansion, or maybe a brief monologue from Epoch describing the current situation or even both (a la Resident Evil).
post=151910
There was a poster here who absolutely despised the name 'Slade' with a burning blaze of passion.
obviously played dwarf fortress / not a fan of 1970s glam rock
Alright guys, I'll try to make it sound more natural. Thanks especially for all the advice, Yeaster!
NicoB
3071
Yeaster, I didn't mean this is the first scene in the game. I just meant the first scene for this area.....hence, what I said before:
If you want to understand what's happening, then play the demo. As for the speech patterns, I'm not sure I follow what you mean.
post=151910
Anyone who has played the demo to completion will probably get what's happening.
If you want to understand what's happening, then play the demo. As for the speech patterns, I'm not sure I follow what you mean.
Yeaster
6164
Oooooooh. *stoopid*
By the speech pattern thing, I meant that -- if I deleted the names and read only the lines -- they would read kind of similar. To me, at least. But then again, it's only one scene, so.......
By the speech pattern thing, I meant that -- if I deleted the names and read only the lines -- they would read kind of similar. To me, at least. But then again, it's only one scene, so.......
Here is the dialogue for the intro which I am content with, yet I feel like it could need improvement...
*Black Screen*
"Th-This is impossible!"
*Screen Fades to show the main Antagonist, the Three Magus, and some dead guys. Oh, and it's raining.*
Azure Magus: "We, the Three Magus Champions, and a handful of the Knights of The Savior, were so easily defeated... Who are you?"
Crimson Magus: "No, WHAT are you!"
???(Antagonist): " I am an anomaly, an existing enigma seeking answers to such questions."
???: "However, I must put my search on hold and continue with my plans now after donimating what I thought would be of great obstacle to me."
Crimson Magus: "You may kill us here, but know this: Alexander Steinburge will find you and rid the land of you!"
???: "Alexander Steinburge, your land's hero? To have such blind faith in a young man, and here I thought only the young were naive."
???: "Oh, and don't worry, I am not going to kill you. Why waste your powers when I can use it at my disposal."
Azure Magus: "You mean to use us? Absurd!"
???: "Yes! It is quite absurd, but it will happen none-the-less! Come gentleman, we have a world to destroy."
*Screen Fades to Black*
And the rest of the intro shows the one of main protagonist which is still in the works. Also, the other Magus isn't suppose to talk, if you're wondering.
*Black Screen*
"Th-This is impossible!"
*Screen Fades to show the main Antagonist, the Three Magus, and some dead guys. Oh, and it's raining.*
Azure Magus: "We, the Three Magus Champions, and a handful of the Knights of The Savior, were so easily defeated... Who are you?"
Crimson Magus: "No, WHAT are you!"
???(Antagonist): " I am an anomaly, an existing enigma seeking answers to such questions."
???: "However, I must put my search on hold and continue with my plans now after donimating what I thought would be of great obstacle to me."
Crimson Magus: "You may kill us here, but know this: Alexander Steinburge will find you and rid the land of you!"
???: "Alexander Steinburge, your land's hero? To have such blind faith in a young man, and here I thought only the young were naive."
???: "Oh, and don't worry, I am not going to kill you. Why waste your powers when I can use it at my disposal."
Azure Magus: "You mean to use us? Absurd!"
???: "Yes! It is quite absurd, but it will happen none-the-less! Come gentleman, we have a world to destroy."
*Screen Fades to Black*
And the rest of the intro shows the one of main protagonist which is still in the works. Also, the other Magus isn't suppose to talk, if you're wondering.
Pasty
908
it's pretty time-consuming to address and give everyone detailed critique, so i'll try it with one person who hasn't had a comment for now.
this bit seems prone to exposition. especially the kind of exposition where someone tells someone else (or themselves) something they already know. the Three Magus Champions know they're the Three Magus Champions, and they also know that Alexander Steinburge is their hero. you need to find another way to tell the player this information without falling into this trap.
without really knowing what exactly is impossible or what is really going on, i'll give you an example. feel free to lift any or none of this dialogue if you so choose.
setup: the president (lucius) and the vice president (altair) of a certain country return to lucius's office after negotiations with a neighbor to buy the rights to produce a very powerful machine break down. this scene doesn't need too much context, unlike a lot of scenes in this game's script.
post=151942
*Black Screen*"Th-This is impossible!"
*Screen Fades to show the main Antagonist, the Three Magus, and some dead guys. Oh, and it's raining.*
Azure Magus: "We, the Three Magus Champions, and a handful of the Knights of The Savior, were so easily defeated... Who are you?"
Crimson Magus: "No, WHAT are you!"
???(Antagonist): " I am an anomaly, an existing enigma seeking answers to such questions."
???: "However, I must put my search on hold and continue with my plans now after dominating what I thought would be of great obstacle to me."
Crimson Magus: "You may kill us here, but know this: Alexander Steinburge will find you and rid the land of you!"
???: "Alexander Steinburge, your land's hero? To have such blind faith in a young man, and here I thought only the young were naive."
???: "Oh, and don't worry, I am not going to kill you. Why waste your powers when I can use it at my disposal?"
Azure Magus: "You mean to use us? Absurd!"
???: "Yes! It is quite absurd, but it will happen nonetheless! Come, gentlemen, we have a world to destroy."
*Screen Fades to Black*
this bit seems prone to exposition. especially the kind of exposition where someone tells someone else (or themselves) something they already know. the Three Magus Champions know they're the Three Magus Champions, and they also know that Alexander Steinburge is their hero. you need to find another way to tell the player this information without falling into this trap.
without really knowing what exactly is impossible or what is really going on, i'll give you an example. feel free to lift any or none of this dialogue if you so choose.
"Impossible!"
???: Seems the Magus Champions and the Knights of the Savior need new, more fitting names. You certainly didn't win or save anyone.
Azure Magus: Who are you?
???: I am simply an anomaly seeking answers to some of the questions I have. Consider yourselves lucky you weren't strong enough to waste much of my time.
Crimson Magus: Anomalies are doomed to be crushed! Steinburge will slay you right where you stand!
???: You mean Alexander Steinburge? He's your hero? What faith old men have in a boy, a child barely out of the womb. Such uninformed hero worship! Truly, we are all adolescent at heart.
Crimson Magus: Even if you kill us here, that man will make sure you never walk this land again!
???: Oh, I don't plan to kill you. I don't waste talent.
-fade-
???: Seems the Magus Champions and the Knights of the Savior need new, more fitting names. You certainly didn't win or save anyone.
Azure Magus: Who are you?
???: I am simply an anomaly seeking answers to some of the questions I have. Consider yourselves lucky you weren't strong enough to waste much of my time.
Crimson Magus: Anomalies are doomed to be crushed! Steinburge will slay you right where you stand!
???: You mean Alexander Steinburge? He's your hero? What faith old men have in a boy, a child barely out of the womb. Such uninformed hero worship! Truly, we are all adolescent at heart.
Crimson Magus: Even if you kill us here, that man will make sure you never walk this land again!
???: Oh, I don't plan to kill you. I don't waste talent.
-fade-
setup: the president (lucius) and the vice president (altair) of a certain country return to lucius's office after negotiations with a neighbor to buy the rights to produce a very powerful machine break down. this scene doesn't need too much context, unlike a lot of scenes in this game's script.
Altair: Unfathomable!
Lucius: Altair, calm down.
Altair: Those freak-show centerpieces think they can just play us for fools! We can have five artillery units shelling their capital into rubble in six hours!
Altair: {Pause} Six hours, Lucius.
Altair: {Pause} Why are you laughing?
Lucius: Altair, Altair, Altair. The difference between you and I is that you actually expected them to play fair!
Altair: I don't want to hear any scolding from you.
Lucius: Altair, did you learn nothing from that Paper-gate nonsense that almost took us down last election? Your opponents never play fair. Never.
Altair: You knew?
Lucius: From the moment Charloise told me he wasn't coming himself.
Altair: Well, you could have given me a hint before our audition for their absurd charade.
Lucius: What could I have said?
Altair: You didn't have to be so...saccharine. You even gave that unfortunate woman per diem when you should have declared her persona non grata and had her thrown from the Lundmark cliffs.
Lucius: Absolutely not. Charloise would never talk to me again. I can't afford it.
Lucius: {Pause} Have you calmed down yet?
Altair: A bit.
Lucius: Now, listen closely. I expect Charloise to keep the blueprints as close to his chest as possible. It is, after all, revolutionary technology. Revolutionary as it is, I will call him and resort to a haggle.
Altair: What do you have planned?
Lucius: I'll handle it. Okay?
Altair: Right. I'm going to turn in for the night.
Lucius: See you.
Altair: {Pause} You know, Lucius?
Lucius: Yes?
Altair: You might not come on so...strong next time. We're not radio pitchmen.
Lucius: Altair, calm down.
Altair: Those freak-show centerpieces think they can just play us for fools! We can have five artillery units shelling their capital into rubble in six hours!
Altair: {Pause} Six hours, Lucius.
Altair: {Pause} Why are you laughing?
Lucius: Altair, Altair, Altair. The difference between you and I is that you actually expected them to play fair!
Altair: I don't want to hear any scolding from you.
Lucius: Altair, did you learn nothing from that Paper-gate nonsense that almost took us down last election? Your opponents never play fair. Never.
Altair: You knew?
Lucius: From the moment Charloise told me he wasn't coming himself.
Altair: Well, you could have given me a hint before our audition for their absurd charade.
Lucius: What could I have said?
Altair: You didn't have to be so...saccharine. You even gave that unfortunate woman per diem when you should have declared her persona non grata and had her thrown from the Lundmark cliffs.
Lucius: Absolutely not. Charloise would never talk to me again. I can't afford it.
Lucius: {Pause} Have you calmed down yet?
Altair: A bit.
Lucius: Now, listen closely. I expect Charloise to keep the blueprints as close to his chest as possible. It is, after all, revolutionary technology. Revolutionary as it is, I will call him and resort to a haggle.
Altair: What do you have planned?
Lucius: I'll handle it. Okay?
Altair: Right. I'm going to turn in for the night.
Lucius: See you.
Altair: {Pause} You know, Lucius?
Lucius: Yes?
Altair: You might not come on so...strong next time. We're not radio pitchmen.
Hello! This is a piece of dialogue for my game, and I don't know how good it its now. English isn't my native language, and though I am somewhat proficient in it, I tend to make some mistakes.
The game it's a classic, cliche, fantasy medieval RPG...
This dialogue happens between the two main party members after a boss fight, and it's supposed to give a brief insight of the main character's (Noish) past.
I would appreciate any opinions... Thanks!
*Orc Dies, and the game exits the battle screen*
Mansel:
Who would've thought we'd be fighting
Orcs, huh?... I can't wait to tell my mom
about this!... She'll never believe it!
Noish:
Come on, Mansel... This is no game...
We could have died...
Mansel:
You know, Noish... You're such a whiner,
yet at the same time you're a pretty good
fighter... Strange, huh?
Noish:
A whiner!?... Yeah, I guess I am... Maybe
that's why Selena never fell for me...
Mansel:
... Or maybe because she's just a bitch!
Noish:
...... Allright... Let's just take this orc skull
to the Warden at Eastwick. Hopefully the
murders will stop now.
Mansel:
...
The game it's a classic, cliche, fantasy medieval RPG...
This dialogue happens between the two main party members after a boss fight, and it's supposed to give a brief insight of the main character's (Noish) past.
I would appreciate any opinions... Thanks!
*Orc Dies, and the game exits the battle screen*
Mansel:
Who would've thought we'd be fighting
Orcs, huh?... I can't wait to tell my mom
about this!... She'll never believe it!
Noish:
Come on, Mansel... This is no game...
We could have died...
Mansel:
You know, Noish... You're such a whiner,
yet at the same time you're a pretty good
fighter... Strange, huh?
Noish:
A whiner!?... Yeah, I guess I am... Maybe
that's why Selena never fell for me...
Mansel:
... Or maybe because she's just a bitch!
Noish:
...... Allright... Let's just take this orc skull
to the Warden at Eastwick. Hopefully the
murders will stop now.
Mansel:
...
There are... a lot of ellipses in there, Rabitz. I overuse them too and just combed my dialogue to try and replace them, but it's hard to not overuse them.
post=152356
There are... a lot of ellipses in there, Rabitz. I overuse them too and just combed my dialogue to try and replace them, but it's hard to not overuse them.
Ok! I see what you mean...
I thought that what bothered people was slow text speed and ellipses that stopped the text and forced you to press enter to continue reading. I'll look into my text then. Thanks!
Also, ignoring the ellipses for a moment... What about the quality of the words itself? Does the idea get across?
It all seems to be very in character (from what I can see) except for Mansel's last "..." only because Mansel comes off as the kind of guy who talks at every opportunity, and would take that chance to say something funny or sarcastic.
I like the characters though, you can tell their first-glance personalities pretty well from that convo.
I like the characters though, you can tell their first-glance personalities pretty well from that convo.
post=152362
It all seems to be very in character (from what I can see) except for Mansel's last "..." only because Mansel comes off as the kind of guy who talks at every opportunity, and would take that chance to say something funny or sarcastic.
I like the characters though, you can tell their first-glance personalities pretty well from that convo.
hey! you know my characters better than me already! :)
you're right... That last "..." is not all that adeaquate.
Thanks!
ElectricalKat
254
Yeah, you do tend to overuse ellipses rabitZ. Your dialogue could be written to somewhat "imply" pauses between sentences or phrases (as would be read in your audience's minds), or you could use alternative devices to show your characters' pauses, such as a hyphen. I will demonstrate here:
I used four ellipses there, but only one of them was intended to be a somewhat of a pause device (the one where Noish completely disregards Mansel's "bitch" comment). I used the first two to indicate "downer" endings to your characters' words (lowering of their tone-of-voice), and the last ellipses indicates Mansel's following silence, probably because he is reacting to Noish not liking what he said (implication of emotion, again, from both).
There may definitely be better ways to indicate these downer endings in dialogue, but I'm no literary major, so someone else may want to add more to this.
post=152352
Mansel: Wow, Noish! Look at that! We just fought a big Orc, and we won! I can't wait to tell my mother about this. She will never believe it!
Noish: Oh, for crying out loud, Mansel, this is not a game! We could have easily DIED just now!
Mansel: Noish... Why are you such a mood-breaker? You're a really good fighter, but at the same time you are also being a big crybaby. Isn't that a little strange for you?
Noish: Maybe - I guess I do whine a lot sometimes. Perhaps that is why I was never able to woo Selena...
Mansel: Selena? She's also a bitch, you know. Why are you still even thinking about her? [Kat's note: You may also want to include an example of why she is a bitch here. This line felt a bit incomplete to me.]
Noish: ...Let's take this orc skull to the Eastwick Warden, and get this job over with. Hopefully, those murders that we heard about will stop now.
Mansel: ...
I used four ellipses there, but only one of them was intended to be a somewhat of a pause device (the one where Noish completely disregards Mansel's "bitch" comment). I used the first two to indicate "downer" endings to your characters' words (lowering of their tone-of-voice), and the last ellipses indicates Mansel's following silence, probably because he is reacting to Noish not liking what he said (implication of emotion, again, from both).
There may definitely be better ways to indicate these downer endings in dialogue, but I'm no literary major, so someone else may want to add more to this.
post=152365
Yeah, you do tend to overuse ellipses rabitZ.
Yeah... I kinda see the trouble with the ellipses, now that it's been pointed out. I shall have to comb my entire game for instances like this.
I agree with your note about Selena. She's a character from Noish's past and this is the first mention of her in the game. He still loves her and doesn't like to talk about her, since she doesn't love him back. Their relationship is kinda awkward. Mansel doesn't like her because she strung him along and the gives Noish the "let's be friends" speech. But that should be explored in the final part of the game. (that was kinda of a spoiler there, hehe... But it's not that important plot-wise. Character-wise I think it's more important.)
Mansel's final "..." was exactly that, a reaction to Noish's disapproval of his comment about Selena. But he is indeed a funny, easygoing guy, as slashphoenix figured out, so I don't know how appropiate it is for him.
Thank you for your comments, ElectricalKat!
If anyone else likes to add anything, please do so!
LockeZ
I'd really like to get rid of LockeZ. His play style is way too unpredictable. He's always like this too. If he ran a country, he'd just kill and imprison people at random until crime stopped.
5958
The best way to imply a pause in dialogue is to start a new dialogue box at that point. It creates an actual pause instead of an implied one. Novel concept!
MKID232
435
This seems like fun in a critical sense. Here's a dialogue scene from my game where they run into the evil bat king Eranela:
So how was it?
(Diana, Brian, and Kitty are walking through the dark, spooky cave)
Unknown voice: Nck Nck Nck...
(The cave shakes, with our three heroes looking all around, before looking behind them)
Brian: The cave entrance behind us collapsed. We're trapped here!
(A flash of light appears behind our heroes, causing them to turn around)
Eranela: Nck Nck Nck. Now you are trapped here with me! We'll have so much fun together...
Diana: Uuhhhh...Kitty, what is that?
Kitty: It's the Bat King Eranela. He must've woken up from his thousand year slumber!
Eranela: Indeed. Now that I've awakened, I can do what I wanted to do, and make the world mine! Nck Nck Nck.
(Diana takes a step forward)
Diana: Well, I think you're not going to make it out of this cave!
Eranela: You think you can stop me? I hold the power of darkness in my wings, and you hold the power of blue skin! Nck Nck Nck.
Diana: Really? That's all you can come up with? You are a really stupid Bat King, aren't you?
Eranela: You think so? Nck. Well, remember the part where...I'm a bat. NCK!
(Uses his bat sonar)
Diana: Urgh!
Brian and Kitty: Diana!
(Brian moves to Diana's side)
Brian: Diana, are you okay?
Diana: I...can't...move...
Eranela: Nck Nck Nck. She is under my hold now. I can hurt her in any way I please.
(Eranela bites Diana, sucking some of her power)
Diana: AAAH!!!
(Diana passes out, falling.)
Brian: Diana!!! No!
(Kitty takes a step forward)
Kitty: You bastard!
Eranela: Nck Nck! Her power is so...exhilarating.
Brian: I won't let you take any more of her power!
(Brian suddenly glows bright red, like a Super Saiyan 4...or something)
Brian: Gah!
(Brian charges at Eranela, and cuts him.)
Eranela: NCK!!!
(Eranela backs away from Brian)
Eranela: You shouldn't have done that, you whelp!
(Diana comes to her senses enough to see what occurs)
Diana: Oh...but he did!
Kitty: Miss Diana, you're awake!
(Diana gets on her feet)
Diana: I'm more than just awake. I've learned something about our resident bat that can be used against him!
(Eranela goes over to Diana)
Eranela: You couldn't possibly know what makes me weak. You will nev--
(Diana strikes him with a mid-level lightning spell)
Eranela: SCREEE!!!
(Brian and Kitty step back quickly)
Brian and Kitty: Woah! Did you see that?
Eranela: B-but...that's impossible!
Diana: Look, you stupid, worthless bat. I'm stronger than you in every way imaginable now. You will not make it out of this cave alive. Not while I'm here. Brian! Kitty! Get ready for a big fight!
(Brian and Kitty go to Diana's side)
Brian: I'm with you all the way!
Kitty: I just sharpened my claws, and am ready to go! Oh yeah, I forgot to mention...I have a mass healing spell.
Diana: Okay then, let's - wait, you have a healing spell? Were you going to tell us before or after we bled to death?
Kitty: You're the one who said he was a stupid, worthless bat. I thought you actually believed that!
Diana: I do. But it's nice to have a safety net that I know about beforehand!
Kitty: Oh, so now you need a safety net to fight bad guys, is that it?
Brian: You guys are like toddlers! We have a bat to kill, so let's kill him!
Diana: Wow. You don't have to be so rude.
Kitty: Yeah, Brian, that's just mean.
Brian: Well, I'm sorry, but I kind of want to kill him so we can continue on this quest. Or have you forgotten already, Diana?
Diana: Fine, we'll beat him, and move on.
(The trio turn back towards Eranela, who was apparently waiting patiently for them to finish their spat.)
Diana: Now where were we?
Eranela: Nck! I will destroy you all!!!!
*Battle commences*
Unknown voice: Nck Nck Nck...
(The cave shakes, with our three heroes looking all around, before looking behind them)
Brian: The cave entrance behind us collapsed. We're trapped here!
(A flash of light appears behind our heroes, causing them to turn around)
Eranela: Nck Nck Nck. Now you are trapped here with me! We'll have so much fun together...
Diana: Uuhhhh...Kitty, what is that?
Kitty: It's the Bat King Eranela. He must've woken up from his thousand year slumber!
Eranela: Indeed. Now that I've awakened, I can do what I wanted to do, and make the world mine! Nck Nck Nck.
(Diana takes a step forward)
Diana: Well, I think you're not going to make it out of this cave!
Eranela: You think you can stop me? I hold the power of darkness in my wings, and you hold the power of blue skin! Nck Nck Nck.
Diana: Really? That's all you can come up with? You are a really stupid Bat King, aren't you?
Eranela: You think so? Nck. Well, remember the part where...I'm a bat. NCK!
(Uses his bat sonar)
Diana: Urgh!
Brian and Kitty: Diana!
(Brian moves to Diana's side)
Brian: Diana, are you okay?
Diana: I...can't...move...
Eranela: Nck Nck Nck. She is under my hold now. I can hurt her in any way I please.
(Eranela bites Diana, sucking some of her power)
Diana: AAAH!!!
(Diana passes out, falling.)
Brian: Diana!!! No!
(Kitty takes a step forward)
Kitty: You bastard!
Eranela: Nck Nck! Her power is so...exhilarating.
Brian: I won't let you take any more of her power!
(Brian suddenly glows bright red, like a Super Saiyan 4...or something)
Brian: Gah!
(Brian charges at Eranela, and cuts him.)
Eranela: NCK!!!
(Eranela backs away from Brian)
Eranela: You shouldn't have done that, you whelp!
(Diana comes to her senses enough to see what occurs)
Diana: Oh...but he did!
Kitty: Miss Diana, you're awake!
(Diana gets on her feet)
Diana: I'm more than just awake. I've learned something about our resident bat that can be used against him!
(Eranela goes over to Diana)
Eranela: You couldn't possibly know what makes me weak. You will nev--
(Diana strikes him with a mid-level lightning spell)
Eranela: SCREEE!!!
(Brian and Kitty step back quickly)
Brian and Kitty: Woah! Did you see that?
Eranela: B-but...that's impossible!
Diana: Look, you stupid, worthless bat. I'm stronger than you in every way imaginable now. You will not make it out of this cave alive. Not while I'm here. Brian! Kitty! Get ready for a big fight!
(Brian and Kitty go to Diana's side)
Brian: I'm with you all the way!
Kitty: I just sharpened my claws, and am ready to go! Oh yeah, I forgot to mention...I have a mass healing spell.
Diana: Okay then, let's - wait, you have a healing spell? Were you going to tell us before or after we bled to death?
Kitty: You're the one who said he was a stupid, worthless bat. I thought you actually believed that!
Diana: I do. But it's nice to have a safety net that I know about beforehand!
Kitty: Oh, so now you need a safety net to fight bad guys, is that it?
Brian: You guys are like toddlers! We have a bat to kill, so let's kill him!
Diana: Wow. You don't have to be so rude.
Kitty: Yeah, Brian, that's just mean.
Brian: Well, I'm sorry, but I kind of want to kill him so we can continue on this quest. Or have you forgotten already, Diana?
Diana: Fine, we'll beat him, and move on.
(The trio turn back towards Eranela, who was apparently waiting patiently for them to finish their spat.)
Diana: Now where were we?
Eranela: Nck! I will destroy you all!!!!
*Battle commences*
So how was it?
I liked it, MKID. The fight at the end is pretty damn amusing - I always crack up when protagonists completely ignore their enemy because they're too busy arguing or splitting loot or something. Your heroes have a tendency to state the obvious, though:
Brian: The cave entrance behind us collapsed. We're trapped here!
Would work much, much better as a rumbling, a sound effect, possibly some visuals, and a "We're trapped!!"
Kitty: It's the Bat King Eranela. He must've woken up from his thousand year slumber!
A little cheesy, but that might fit your game. It comes off as a little redundant here.
Diana: Fine, we'll beat him, and move on.
This just seems kind of obvious. You could just as easily say "Fine, let's go!"
I'm really just picking for nits, though. The dialogue has a quite solid cheesy RPG feel. I hope that's what you were going for.
Brian: The cave entrance behind us collapsed. We're trapped here!
Would work much, much better as a rumbling, a sound effect, possibly some visuals, and a "We're trapped!!"
Kitty: It's the Bat King Eranela. He must've woken up from his thousand year slumber!
A little cheesy, but that might fit your game. It comes off as a little redundant here.
Diana: Fine, we'll beat him, and move on.
This just seems kind of obvious. You could just as easily say "Fine, let's go!"
I'm really just picking for nits, though. The dialogue has a quite solid cheesy RPG feel. I hope that's what you were going for.
MKID232
435
Wow, a long page of dialogue, and you only have issues with three lines. I understand the first and the third, but you have me slightly confused on the second. What exactly is redundant there?
"He must have woken up from his thousand year slumber!"
Sorry, for some reason I got the idea in my mind that someone else had said this already. I don't know if there's any warning about the Bat King before they get in the cave, but if you mention that he's sleeping for 1000 years before you get in the cave, I would find this line bad (because it had already been said). As it is here, it's actually fine, although still a little cheesy, heh.
Also, you have some ellipses that could be commas or periods, but I'm on a ellipses-killing streak in my own dialogue so feel free to take that with a grain of salt.
Sorry, for some reason I got the idea in my mind that someone else had said this already. I don't know if there's any warning about the Bat King before they get in the cave, but if you mention that he's sleeping for 1000 years before you get in the cave, I would find this line bad (because it had already been said). As it is here, it's actually fine, although still a little cheesy, heh.
Also, you have some ellipses that could be commas or periods, but I'm on a ellipses-killing streak in my own dialogue so feel free to take that with a grain of salt.
