YOU'VE JUST BEEN FLASH FICTION'D

Grapes

Miguel likes to eat grapes. What Miguel does not know was that grapes like to eat Miguel's insides, and what a strange little symbiosis it's turned out to be.


Gratitude

I wish I could wake up tomorrow morning and know what it is like to be grateful to wake up, and know how grateful I should feel for even being able to feel grateful for waking up.


Bed and Breakfast

Being a priest isn't easy. But every once in a while Father James goes over to the Bed and Breakfast and he listens to the couples have sex. When he goes to have breakfast with them in the morning he usually prays to see that they are disgusting and obese. Sometimes they both are, most times one of them is. And celibacy doesn't seem so bad after that.


Moving Away

Jordan got so angry with everyone he decided to move to another planet in another galaxy. So he packed his toothbrush, his clothes and his books. He then looked at the sun and said, "You know what, we had good times too." But while trying to dismantle the sun to put in his briefcase, he burnt up and died.


Three Wishes and a Trillion Pianos

I found a magic lamp once with a genie. I made three wishes. First, I wished for a spaceship. Second, I wished for my own private utopian society on another planet. Third, I wished for a trillion pianos. So the genie conjures up the trillion pianos and it ends up throwing the earth out of its proper orbit, leading to the doom of mankind.

But I've already blasted off in my spaceship to my utopian planet, like an asshole.


The Dancer Out There

I was singing in my head once and I saw a woman in the street dancing to it. I stopped singing it and she stopped dancing. I started back and she started back. She hopped into a bus and I never saw her again, but I hope she doesn't operate heavy machinery, because as much as I try not to sing it in my head, it's so damn catchy.


Stationery

A pencil. I can stick it down her throat repeatedly and make her vomit until she cannot vomit anymore. I can jab it into the back of her neck. I can stick it up her nose and into her brain. But I'm not doing any of those things. Do you know what am I doing? Sitting here and using it to write this shit. Just thought I would let you know, fucker.


A Plan Backfired

A boy pulled out a gun to shoot up the school... only to find that the rest of the school had guns too. Life is tough in the ghetto.


Hotels on Boardwalk

True story. I slept on a bench once because I was afraid to stay at a hotel on the boardwalk. The game never really specified which boardwalk it was but $1600 a night is too much money to be taking any risks.


Honeymooners

My wife is a werewolf. This is precisely why we got married. I needed the money the Government promised me to live and mate with her. Don't get me wrong. I love being married to her. Because let me tell you, we didn't just have a honeymoon. We had a honey-full-moon.


Six Degrees of Separation

I stepped on a guy's shoe today. The guy proceeded to tell me he has friends. Friends that know lawyers. Lawyers that know judges. Judges that know politicians. Politicians that know Presidents. Presidents that know First Ladies. First Ladies that know kindergarten teachers. Kindergarten teachers that know toddlers. Toddlers that know parents. Parents that know his friends. Friends that know him.

I just kept walking. As fast as I could.


Cookbook

That book was so good, Linda thought. She thought it could've used a little more salt and a little more pepper and maybe served with a spicier sauce, but overall, Linda was pretty satisfied with not having to eat her own words tonight.


No Sugar

He takes his coffee black, no cream, no sugar. She takes hers the same way. They see each other everyday in the coffee shop. He always steals glances at her when she's sipping her coffee. She always has her hair over one blueberry eye, gazing back at him. They want to say hello but they never do. It's a good thing too. Because one of them has AIDS and doesn't know it yet.


Upside-Down

Everything in Anna's life has turned upside-down. Especially her wonderful, wonderful smile.


Birthday Present

Javier forgot to buy his wife a birthday present so that explains why he's in a gift box right now. It's hot in there and it's really, really cramped. Not to mention that he's claustrophobic and scared to death of the dark. He hopes that that bitch knows it's the thought that counts.


Ghost Story

According to local legend, a ghost roams the sea shore at night. Nancy was interested in the paranormal and had never seen a ghost, so she pitched a tent on the shore and kept on the look-out for it. She would've seen it too, if she wasn't so damn high on shrooms all the time, according to local legend, anyway...


Musicians

Dave was never fond of musicians. He was not comfortable with the fact that they could blow through a hole, slide along a string, tap on a key, bang on a drum, exhale in a hum, and they could tell him what to feel just by doing those things. "Isn't that a form of mind control?" Dave would say.

I think at this point it's safe to say Dave was never known as a very cool person among his peers.


Chickens and Eggs

Alice and Jorge were out on their first date, having dinner at a fancy restaurant when all of a sudden, Alice asks Jorge, "Which do you think came first, the chicken or the egg?"

Jorge looked at the omelette and the grilled chicken on his plate. Which had come first, anyway? It was important to impress Alice, so he asked to be excused from the table to use the bathroom. He actually went to ask the waiter. The waiter could not answer either, so he asked the chef. The chef definitely remembered making the omelette before grilling the chicken.

"The egg came first," he told her.
"But then who kept the egg warm?" Alice asked.
Jorge excused himself to the 'bathroom' once again.


Henry and the Sea

Henry was a surfer and he had a short-lived relationship with the sea. While it was just a fling for him, she became totally smitten. And when he found out that she had crabs, he left her, without asking her how she got the crabs.

Henry's friends were all bummed out after because all the sea did after that was just whine and complain about Henry being unreasonable, and it just messed up the whole surfing scene, because who wants to feel obligated to respond to that crap while they're surfing?


Look Both Ways

George's mother was always adamant with George that he look right, then left, then right again whenever crossing a street. When the time came for him to do it by himself, he did as he was told. He looked right, then left, then right again. He crossed the street and did a little victory jig but was soon killed by a car speeding down the sidewalk behind him.


The Hangman

William and the hangman, and some officials, stood in the hot morning sun of the fated day. William already had the noose around his neck.
"Hurry up," the hangman said.
"E," William said.
The hangman pulled the lever and William is killed. "The answer was Michael Jackson," the hangman then told the officials.
"But that has an E," he is informed by one of the officials.

The hangman was then told to go to jail, without passing Go and without collecting $200, where he has been trying to roll doubles for the past three years now.


Normal

One day Nick woke up to find that the stove, the phone, the lights and the plumbing had all been fixed. He found that the carpet had been vacuumed and the holes in his ceiling had all been patched. He found all his clothes had been washed and that he, himself, had been washed and scrubbed clean, and his hair combed and his nails clipped. He also woke up to find that he had been sleeping on a bed instead of the floor.

That one was the last straw. It was then Nick decided he had to dump his girlfriend, as that seemed to be the only way to get everything back to normal.


The Suicides

It was sad when the twins killed themselves. In the suicide note, their reason was just to get away from everybody. Everybody thought this was very silly. They said nothing but still couldn't help but wonder why anybody would ever want to get away from them.


In the Name of Metal

Mark and Juan were playing pool, when all of a sudden Mark said, "You know, man, Judas Priest kind of sucks."
Juan looked at him, chalking the tip of his cue. "Why don't you just say what you really mean, Mark?"
Mark shrugged. He said, "I just never thought they were very metal."

What ensued was a fight to the death that injured Mark and killed Juan. You might think this is a sad story, but Juan always went down as the man who fought and died in the name of Judas Priest, and that's very metal.


Penny

During her trip in Russia, Penny was pretty sure she spotted a fairy. She blinked her eyes, but the fairy was gone, and went about the rest of her day without a hassle. On the other hand, the fairy fluttered home and told all her fairy friends about Penny. They spat on her and called her a liar. The fairy would forever be branded as the village liar and she became an alcoholic and drug addict, never married, never bore any children and died alone naked in a fairy brothel, where she had been selling her body for money.

Penny, on the other hand, ended up meeting her penpal, a very handsome, charming male dragon in a cave in Siberia. They got married and they moved back to the planet Dragonia, where Penny laid many dragon eggs. They all hatched and grew up to be doctors and lawyers.


Groupies

Drug-addict Ralph went to see this awful band once in Berlin. His mission was to befriend as many as the band's groupies as possible, hoping the reason they liked their music was the result of very good drugs and not just very bad taste.