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Fixing The 2013-2014 Edmonton Oilers
FEAT. SADDIT & SHEENmawk
These once proud matriarchs of the hockey world used to be looked on with such grace and respect towards this, once, proud franchise. Once a team that was stacked with a shit-load of super-uber awesome important players like "Wayne Nestles" and "Paul Coffee's Crisp" (you may have heard of them) have now been ravaged by time...time where fans are hoping for a miracle comeback for the ages, and to no longer be bounded by embarrassment! With all the many first rounders and with the hiring of a brand new GM (sort of...), The Oilers are ready to take the next step in their perplexing journey. But sometimes, it's good to hear some of the mindless line-up decision changes from the fans once and awhile... So to make due with this topic's whole point, SADDIT will try to plug up the "holes" of this team while keeping the status quo going by spending as "little money" as possible to improve this team during the off season. Keep in mind about that status quo, "L I T T L E M O N E Y AS POSSIBLE!" With that all said -- LET'S SEE WHAT SADDIT DOES:
With the remaining picks, SHEENmawk decides to pick up a random "dart board" from the local store and use it to take the other picks. Good call. Although the teams from SLEW MERCY & the ONTARIO GENERALS wanted to trade up, SADDIT said, "NO F**KING WAY! I CALL THE SHOTS! IT'S MY PICKS, LOSERS!!! IF YOU WANTED THEM SO BADLY THAN YOU SHOULD HAVE SUCKED MORE BALLZ THAN US," and continued to flip them off for the rest of the draft.
Only time will tell if these picks from SHEENmawk will pan out...
Hops & Grains (3.775) Taylor Hawk (3.750) Jordans (6.000)
Hemp! (5.000) SmoreCop (5.500) "Smitty" (2.250)
Russian Prick (3.775) Boulounger (1.750) LANDR (0.900)
Meek Brown (0.737) __________ __________
SMID!!! (3.500) Petry Dish (1.750)
Schultz 1 (3.775) (non-important) Schultz (3.500)
Potters (0.775) __________
DUBZ (3.500)
__________
BODY BAGS: 16
MOOLAH SPENT: 52.661
CAP LIMIT: 64.3
CAN('T) SPEND: 8.550
<GM_GUY> SADDIT, before you do anything with the lineup, let me just remind you one thing:
<SADDIT> CAN I HAZ CANDIES?
<GM_GUY> No.
<SADDIT> :( SADDIT SAD, NOW.
<GM_GUY> *pounds desk* Get a hold of yourself! Now, listen: This year is the most important year in the last year. We can't finish dead last or second last -- OR EVEN THIRD LAST! We wanna at least finish "fourth last". SADDIT, can you do that???
<SADDIT> SUREZ, WHATEVARS!
<GM_GUY>: *smiles* ...You're a good guy, SADDIT. I wish more rich people with a job could be more like you...
<SADDIT> I SHALL BLOW UP TEAM!
<GM_GUY> I'm sure you will...
F - Russian Prick (3.775) & D - Potters (0.775)
FOR
F - Erica Fehr (1.500) (& (not-another) Schultz (2.750)
WASHINGTON ALSO SENDS MONEY...WHICH SADDIT *secretly* POCKETS.
<GM_GUY> WHY U TRADE RUSSIAN? WE NEEDZ MORE RUSSIANS?
<SADDIT> I WANT A THIRD SCHULTZ; CONFUSE OTHER TEAMS!
<GM_GUY> ...
<SADDIT> WE ALSO SAVE MONEY THIS WAY.
<GM_GUY> Good work.
F - BENZ WALTERS 2 Yr / 1.1 Mil Contract (0.550)
<GM_GUY> Who???
<SADDIT> Guy.
<GM_GUY> Ah.
F - LENISE PETRELL 3 Yr / 2.7 Mil Contract (0.900)
ALSO,
F - MAGNUS THE GREAT 3 Yr / 6 Mil Contract (2.000)
<GM_GUY> WHY NOT BRING IN NEW GUY?
<SADDIT> RUSSIAN?
<GM_GUY> YEAH.
<SADDIT> OLD RUSSIAN GONE. YOU WANT NEW RUSSIAN?
<GM_GUY> YES.
<SADDIT> OKAY.
<GM_Guy> ...You need one more defencemen & backup goalie.
<SADDIT> Yes.
<GM_Guy> Line-up looks a bit too expensive.
<SADDIT> WE USE FARM PLAYERS TO FILL HOLES.
<GM_Guy> Yes.
Hops & Grains (3.775) Taylor Hawk (3.750) Jordans (6.000)
Hemp! (5.000) SmoreCop (5.500) "Smitty" (2.250)
Erica Fehr (1.500) Boulounger (1.750) MAGNUS THE GREAT (2.000)
LANDR (0.900) Meek Brown (0.737) Lenise Petrell (0.900)
Finnish Guy (0.875)
SMID!!! (3.500) Petry Dish (1.750)
Schultz 1 (3.775) (non-important) Schultz (3.500)
(not-another) Schultz (2.750) OSCAR THE GROUCH (1.245)
Muscles (0.895)
DUBZ (3.500)
Back-Up Equipment Manager (0.200)
BODY BAGS: 22
MOOLAH SPENT: 56.052
CAP LIMIT: 64.3
CAN('T) SPEND: 8.248
Hemp! (5.000) SmoreCop (5.500) "Smitty" (2.250)
Erica Fehr (1.500) Boulounger (1.750) MAGNUS THE GREAT (2.000)
LANDR (0.900) Meek Brown (0.737) Lenise Petrell (0.900)
Finnish Guy (0.875)
SMID!!! (3.500) Petry Dish (1.750)
Schultz 1 (3.775) (non-important) Schultz (3.500)
(not-another) Schultz (2.750) OSCAR THE GROUCH (1.245)
Muscles (0.895)
DUBZ (3.500)
Back-Up Equipment Manager (0.200)
BODY BAGS: 22
MOOLAH SPENT: 56.052
CAP LIMIT: 64.3
CAN('T) SPEND: 8.248
<GM_Guy> TEAM MORE EXPENSIVE NOW! CUT DOWN A BIT MORE.
<SADDIT> 'Kay.
F - Jordans (6.000) & Hemp! (5.500)
FOR
F - Russian Prick (3.775) & 6th Round Pick 2021
<GM_Guy> BRILLANT!
<SADDIT> Line-up done.
Hops & Grains (3.775) Taylor Hawk (3.750) Russian Prick (3.775)
SmoreCop (5.500) "Smitty" (2.250) MAGNUS THE GREAT (2.000)
Erica Fehr (1.500) Boulounger (1.750) Finnish Guy (0.875)
LANDR (0.900) Meek Brown (0.737) Lenise Petrell (0.900)
SHEENmawk (0.150)
SMID!!! (3.500) Petry Dish (1.750)
Schultz 1 (3.775) (non-important) Schultz (3.500)
(not-another) Schultz (2.750) OSCAR THE GROUCH (1.245)
Muscles (0.895)
DUBZ (3.500)
Back-Up Equipment Manager (0.200)
BODY BAGS: 22
MOOLAH SPENT: 48.977
CAP LIMIT: 64.3
CAN('T) SPEND: 15.323
SmoreCop (5.500) "Smitty" (2.250) MAGNUS THE GREAT (2.000)
Erica Fehr (1.500) Boulounger (1.750) Finnish Guy (0.875)
LANDR (0.900) Meek Brown (0.737) Lenise Petrell (0.900)
SHEENmawk (0.150)
SMID!!! (3.500) Petry Dish (1.750)
Schultz 1 (3.775) (non-important) Schultz (3.500)
(not-another) Schultz (2.750) OSCAR THE GROUCH (1.245)
Muscles (0.895)
DUBZ (3.500)
Back-Up Equipment Manager (0.200)
BODY BAGS: 22
MOOLAH SPENT: 48.977
CAP LIMIT: 64.3
CAN('T) SPEND: 15.323
<GM_Guy> I just got off phone with head office; we are just...barely above the minimum requirements of the new salary cap. Well done, SADDIT.
<SADDIT> IT WAS HARD.
<GM_Guy> Really loving the moves you made this off season; really liking that trade you did with the Washington Crapitals.
<SADDIT> No one else was stupid enough to trade with me.
<GM_Guy> This calls for a celebration! Dennies or Burger King?
<SADDIT> NONE. I AM VEGAN.
<GM_Guy> * disappointing groan* Oh...SADDIT...
---
And thus, the beginning of a new season began anew. The new Edmonton Oilers squad, led by team Captain "SHEENmawk," managed to take their team to only "11" wins of a "82" game season. It was the worst season in all franchise history, resulting in the firing of "GM_GUY" and "SADDIT," who just went back to making games on RPG Maker.Net, and stuff.
As for SHEENmawk, let's just say that his hockey playing career was cut a bit short...
...With an arrow to the knee. ^^
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