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and so the blue mist of whatever the heck i don't know because i can't pay my psychiatrician anymore have struck me
JosephSeraph- 09/16/2015 02:23 AM
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CloseIt was a weird change. I used to be such a clingy teenager, not too long ago -- until 2013 to tell the truth -- I'd always want company, want people to visit me, want to have fun with others and show them the things I loved. I've also always wanted to take care of people, I don't know -- If anything, Rikku was one of the characters I used to identify with the most. Peppy, cheery, bright and with a love for being around people and caring for them.
But then... Then it all has changed.
Nowdays I find myself evading other people with all my heart, absolutely not caring about social interactions at all, completely ignoring and abandoning all my friends, and overall being quite the polar opposite to what I used to be. And it's not something that does me well. I was working hard as a teacher in order to be able to reach my goals as an artist and be able to live as one, and now I'm finally being able to do that. Still, I find myself waking up at three PM, going to bed at six and still staring at the ceiling for about an hour or so before the sandman comes, I got 35kg (77 pounds) fatter and went from average weight to obese type 1, I feel extremely unhappy with myself and I just want to cry. Now I'm crying. Writing this is doing fine to me, to tell the truth. I'm not even sure I should open up like that but whatever, if anything writing this down allows me to review what bothers me.
After two years working as an english teacher, which has been a wonderful, yet extremely stressful experience due to the hostile environment of a commercialy oriented school (ie. being forced to pass students and do all sorts of crazy shit because I was like the only person in the entire place that actually gave a fuck about my job and my duty as a teacher) my personality has changed quite a bit. And it hurts. I can't sit down and write about people anymore -- it's weird to do so because I don't have any contact with anybody. I don't feel comfortable and safe with anybody anymore. And I always feel a bit alien too. On top of that, 2013 was the end of my one and only relationship and I like to think I've gotten over it but the truth is, in a moment of weakness today I dragged myself to my bed and couldn't do anything. Suddenly, all I could remember was his embrace and comforting words. How we were amazing together, and how I let all that go down the drain (even though it was his fucking fault that he cheated on me and did all sorts of childish shit, you know how the heart goes)
I'm
I'm kind of going crazy and sad. Mostly just sad, but maybe crazy too. And bitter. Yes, definitely bitter.
*sigh*
I... I think I'll go back to my psychiatrcian and have the courage to completely open up to her, then try to do something with my life. And get out of my bedroom./i]
But I just want to be cheerful and peppy again... I just want to want to have people around again!
Umm... Ugh... Sorry for making you read this if you did, and also if you did you have my gratitude for caring about me ;w;)/
and um
yeah
But then... Then it all has changed.
Nowdays I find myself evading other people with all my heart, absolutely not caring about social interactions at all, completely ignoring and abandoning all my friends, and overall being quite the polar opposite to what I used to be. And it's not something that does me well. I was working hard as a teacher in order to be able to reach my goals as an artist and be able to live as one, and now I'm finally being able to do that. Still, I find myself waking up at three PM, going to bed at six and still staring at the ceiling for about an hour or so before the sandman comes, I got 35kg (77 pounds) fatter and went from average weight to obese type 1, I feel extremely unhappy with myself and I just want to cry. Now I'm crying. Writing this is doing fine to me, to tell the truth. I'm not even sure I should open up like that but whatever, if anything writing this down allows me to review what bothers me.
After two years working as an english teacher, which has been a wonderful, yet extremely stressful experience due to the hostile environment of a commercialy oriented school (ie. being forced to pass students and do all sorts of crazy shit because I was like the only person in the entire place that actually gave a fuck about my job and my duty as a teacher) my personality has changed quite a bit. And it hurts. I can't sit down and write about people anymore -- it's weird to do so because I don't have any contact with anybody. I don't feel comfortable and safe with anybody anymore. And I always feel a bit alien too. On top of that, 2013 was the end of my one and only relationship and I like to think I've gotten over it but the truth is, in a moment of weakness today I dragged myself to my bed and couldn't do anything. Suddenly, all I could remember was his embrace and comforting words. How we were amazing together, and how I let all that go down the drain (even though it was his fucking fault that he cheated on me and did all sorts of childish shit, you know how the heart goes)
I'm
I'm kind of going crazy and sad. Mostly just sad, but maybe crazy too. And bitter. Yes, definitely bitter.
*sigh*
I... I think I'll go back to my psychiatrcian and have the courage to completely open up to her, then try to do something with my life. And get out of my bedroom./i]
But I just want to be cheerful and peppy again... I just want to want to have people around again!
Umm... Ugh... Sorry for making you read this if you did, and also if you did you have my gratitude for caring about me ;w;)/
and um
yeah
*Huuuuuugs *
I was in a really dark place in my life several years ago. I was able to eventually escape and things got better. I hope the same can happen for you, too! ^_^
I was in a really dark place in my life several years ago. I was able to eventually escape and things got better. I hope the same can happen for you, too! ^_^
That's rough, especially the relationship stuff... I've definitely had moments like that. All my relationships ended for good reasons, but it's still hard to forget the good parts and ignore the bad.
I think going to the psychiatrist could be really nice :) I used to go and it was so relieving just to have someone totally unbiased and non-judgmental to talk to.
Feel better soon, Jo! :D
I think going to the psychiatrist could be really nice :) I used to go and it was so relieving just to have someone totally unbiased and non-judgmental to talk to.
Feel better soon, Jo! :D
Thanks guys...! I'm... Kinda tired of living like a cadaver, as ironic as that sounds. But yeah. Back to the psychiatrician, today i'm going to see a few buddies from the comics thing I was coursing but quit because no money / no energy to leave home
Hopefully that'll be an aid. xD
<3
I want to get better so I can make better stuff and not disappoint! I have a lot of things to do, but the way I am right now all I do is silly mockups and then lose taste for the idea.
Hopefully that'll be an aid. xD
<3
I want to get better so I can make better stuff and not disappoint! I have a lot of things to do, but the way I am right now all I do is silly mockups and then lose taste for the idea.
Aww, I'm sorry to hear that Joseph! I hope you feel better in the future. Try not to be so tough on yourself, okay? Nobody deserves to be angry with themself - nor do they have to be. Caring too much is a real pain.
I hope you can get your emotions managed~ <3
I hope you can get your emotions managed~ <3
ya know we don't talk or anything but my heart goes out to you. If you have access to professional therapy and that's something that's helped you out, give it a whirl and I hope it helps!
seeing as how we don't talk i know 0% about your personal life, so I don't exactly have any pearls of wisdom, but you are not alone in the brain problems or feeling alienated and lonely and generally sad. If you're feeling lonely... you're not alone!
in a somewhat similar status Sooz gave some advice i can v generally second a recommendation for. Since idk your life i'm not gonna be all "but have you tried X". However, even if therapy ends up not working out, there's a lot of ways you can take care of yourself! You can figure out something that'll feel good to you.
Personally, I've been working on some stuff myself, and two things that have helped me with similar feelings:
Taking some time every day to list 3 positive things that have happened/I've thought about. They can be things as minor as "I had a mint-flavored milkshake and it was super tasty". It helps lighten some of the crushing negativity that is easy to slip into when you're sad.
Talking to my online friends! In my current circumstances I only got one friend in meatspace that I see on a regular basis, but yeah even just talking to folks online is helpful for scratching that social itch. And if you're lonely but don't like....actually want to socialize, a really good activity to do with someone is watch a movie/tv show/vidya game/something.
seeing as how we don't talk i know 0% about your personal life, so I don't exactly have any pearls of wisdom, but you are not alone in the brain problems or feeling alienated and lonely and generally sad. If you're feeling lonely... you're not alone!
in a somewhat similar status Sooz gave some advice i can v generally second a recommendation for. Since idk your life i'm not gonna be all "but have you tried X". However, even if therapy ends up not working out, there's a lot of ways you can take care of yourself! You can figure out something that'll feel good to you.
Personally, I've been working on some stuff myself, and two things that have helped me with similar feelings:
Taking some time every day to list 3 positive things that have happened/I've thought about. They can be things as minor as "I had a mint-flavored milkshake and it was super tasty". It helps lighten some of the crushing negativity that is easy to slip into when you're sad.
Talking to my online friends! In my current circumstances I only got one friend in meatspace that I see on a regular basis, but yeah even just talking to folks online is helpful for scratching that social itch. And if you're lonely but don't like....actually want to socialize, a really good activity to do with someone is watch a movie/tv show/vidya game/something.
I find I don't know what to offer except a wish for happiness and joy in your life. Like PB, we don't talk and I know really nothing about you, but I can offer a shoulder to cry on if it helps.
thank you guys, you're really supportive and nice and it made me feel a lot better.
I also have somewhat good news somehow -- delivered in quite the weird way
I was forced by the circumstances to wake at 8:30 am today as I had a dream in which my mom told me that she had witnessed a triple homicide by the police, which had assassinated 3 gang leaders, and somehow after telling it their corpses were lined up in my bedroom and she told me the police would come to pick them up (they looked very dead) and my little sisters also visited us today, then i overheard them mumbling somehow and then they were awake and had guns and weapons with them and my sisters were close to my bedroom and fuck >_>
that's another godfuckingdamn awful thing my mind is doing with me but I thank it for doing it today, as I was regularily waking up from 12 to 14 pm!
About sooz's awesome post -- these are quite a few things I try to do already, reading there makes me amp them even more on my priority list as they're all very relevant to me! Esp. today since I woke up at 8 am, i'll go buy some breakfast, stroll around, clean stuff and YAY got a little more control over myself
thanks brain, but if you could stop making dream plots involving assassins and guns i'd be happy
I'm gonna try to do more stuffs with friends too! I'm not sure how to, but I'm going to work it xD
sadfadsjgfhajdgh
<3 <3 <3 <3 *falls asleep into keyboard*
*WAKES UP AND GOES HAVE BREAKFAST*
I also have somewhat good news somehow -- delivered in quite the weird way
I was forced by the circumstances to wake at 8:30 am today as I had a dream in which my mom told me that she had witnessed a triple homicide by the police, which had assassinated 3 gang leaders, and somehow after telling it their corpses were lined up in my bedroom and she told me the police would come to pick them up (they looked very dead) and my little sisters also visited us today, then i overheard them mumbling somehow and then they were awake and had guns and weapons with them and my sisters were close to my bedroom and fuck >_>
that's another godfuckingdamn awful thing my mind is doing with me but I thank it for doing it today, as I was regularily waking up from 12 to 14 pm!
About sooz's awesome post -- these are quite a few things I try to do already, reading there makes me amp them even more on my priority list as they're all very relevant to me! Esp. today since I woke up at 8 am, i'll go buy some breakfast, stroll around, clean stuff and YAY got a little more control over myself
thanks brain, but if you could stop making dream plots involving assassins and guns i'd be happy
I'm gonna try to do more stuffs with friends too! I'm not sure how to, but I'm going to work it xD
sadfadsjgfhajdgh
<3 <3 <3 <3 *falls asleep into keyboard*
*WAKES UP AND GOES HAVE BREAKFAST*
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