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I need help. A friend of mine has found out their grandfather is going to die. As someone who has autism, how can I be supportive and a good friend to them while they're going through this?
Pyramid_Head- 02/24/2019 05:33 PM
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CloseHi Pyramid_Head. I am not well-equipped to help people with this, but I know that when someone is grieving, which your friend might well be, here's my personal advice.
The most important thing you can do for a grieving person is to simply be there. You don’t need to have answers or give advice or say and do all the right things. You may be unsure what to do or worried about saying the wrong thing at such a difficult time. That’s understandable. But don’t let discomfort prevent you from reaching out to someone who is grieving. It’s your support and caring presence that will help your loved one cope with the pain and gradually begin to heal.
Don’t let fears about saying or doing the wrong thing stop you from reaching out. Let your grieving loved one know that you’re there to listen. Understand that everyone grieves differently and for different lengths of time. You may want to offer to help in practical ways, if the opportunity presents itself. Maintain your support during this time and don't severe the connection just because you are unsure, unless they need some space.
If you want to talk with them, you can:
That's my little opinion, but I hope it has been helpful somewhat. There's no clear cut answer, but I think that these things are a good guideline to helping someone who is going through a tough time.
The most important thing you can do for a grieving person is to simply be there. You don’t need to have answers or give advice or say and do all the right things. You may be unsure what to do or worried about saying the wrong thing at such a difficult time. That’s understandable. But don’t let discomfort prevent you from reaching out to someone who is grieving. It’s your support and caring presence that will help your loved one cope with the pain and gradually begin to heal.
Don’t let fears about saying or doing the wrong thing stop you from reaching out. Let your grieving loved one know that you’re there to listen. Understand that everyone grieves differently and for different lengths of time. You may want to offer to help in practical ways, if the opportunity presents itself. Maintain your support during this time and don't severe the connection just because you are unsure, unless they need some space.
If you want to talk with them, you can:
- Acknowledge the situation
- Express your concern
- Ask how they feel
- Be genuine in your communication
- Be willing to sit in silence
- Offer your support
That's my little opinion, but I hope it has been helpful somewhat. There's no clear cut answer, but I think that these things are a good guideline to helping someone who is going through a tough time.
Pyramid_Head
16
It's very insightful, thank you. This was the only place where I could hope to find answers as google search just brought up how to support people who have autism, rather than how someone with autism can be supportive of others. It's kind of worsened because of, be it a result of my autism or not. I can't grieve. I've lost loved ones and felt nothing. I just accept it and move on. So I can't even imagine what someone else is going through when a loved one dies.
Sooz
They told me I was mad when I said I was going to create a spidertable. Who’s laughing now!!!
5354
TBH everyone grieves in their own way, so there's not really a one-size-fits-all thing.
Generally, though, I'd say check in on them every few days or so, see if they need anything, or want to talk, or just want a distraction from feeling unhappy. Let them know you're there if they need something. If they say they'd rather be alone, respect that. (Maybe check back in a week, though a lot of that depends on the individual and how likely they are to lie about their feelings; you know your friend's habits better than we do.)
Also, for future reference, you can probably get decent advice just from leaving autism out of your searches; even neurotypical folks have trouble with situations involving grief or socialization outside the norm, so there's a lot of advice out there.
Generally, though, I'd say check in on them every few days or so, see if they need anything, or want to talk, or just want a distraction from feeling unhappy. Let them know you're there if they need something. If they say they'd rather be alone, respect that. (Maybe check back in a week, though a lot of that depends on the individual and how likely they are to lie about their feelings; you know your friend's habits better than we do.)
Also, for future reference, you can probably get decent advice just from leaving autism out of your searches; even neurotypical folks have trouble with situations involving grief or socialization outside the norm, so there's a lot of advice out there.
Casshy makes wonderful points. And so does Sooz.
What I can add is to see if you can help out with practical things like groceries if they are having a particularly hard day/week. That can help lots!
What I find has been the most helpful to people in any situation around me is to be OKAY with them having that situation. That allows them to be their current self (which is dealing with that situation), and relax around me anyway. A lot of people are urged to GET OVER IT (OR shamed for "not having it when they somehow should"), or feel they are "weak" or "weird to have it", at some point, so just realizing there is no schedule and that it is normal helps. Sometimes a feeling just sticks around - and it probably frustrates themselves that it does hang around and many thoughts repeat themselves sometimes. So to have someone who is not frustrated by that is really nice and helpful! (also to be reassured that they are a healthy functioning being who is processing that, which they are).
I had a long term partner with likely high-functioning autism (wasn't diagnosed and I cut contact when he was about to seek it out), so I only really learned about it in hindsight. I know little but you may be even better equipped for this than others, since this is a thing where a lot of people have no answers for (because there are none), and no emotional understanding makes it better or go away. So you may find it easier to just keep them company having no need for that. The things you can do are mostly the same.
Rant end. (does it add something new? I don't know but I hope)
Also, you are a real sweetie for wanting to help your friend as best as you can. That's cool!
What I can add is to see if you can help out with practical things like groceries if they are having a particularly hard day/week. That can help lots!
What I find has been the most helpful to people in any situation around me is to be OKAY with them having that situation. That allows them to be their current self (which is dealing with that situation), and relax around me anyway. A lot of people are urged to GET OVER IT (OR shamed for "not having it when they somehow should"), or feel they are "weak" or "weird to have it", at some point, so just realizing there is no schedule and that it is normal helps. Sometimes a feeling just sticks around - and it probably frustrates themselves that it does hang around and many thoughts repeat themselves sometimes. So to have someone who is not frustrated by that is really nice and helpful! (also to be reassured that they are a healthy functioning being who is processing that, which they are).
I had a long term partner with likely high-functioning autism (wasn't diagnosed and I cut contact when he was about to seek it out), so I only really learned about it in hindsight. I know little but you may be even better equipped for this than others, since this is a thing where a lot of people have no answers for (because there are none), and no emotional understanding makes it better or go away. So you may find it easier to just keep them company having no need for that. The things you can do are mostly the same.
Rant end. (does it add something new? I don't know but I hope)
Also, you are a real sweetie for wanting to help your friend as best as you can. That's cool!
Sooz
They told me I was mad when I said I was going to create a spidertable. Who’s laughing now!!!
5354
Groceries are good, housework is good, food is excellent: grieving people generally have less energy to do daily life stuff, so it can help a lot to be around to relieve them of that burden.
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