IMNOTME'S PROFILE

Sooz: I really found a lot of your comments helpful. I actually want to exercise more; I keep track of how much I walk at work on a daily basis, and I already average 2-3 miles a day as is, but I want to do something a bit more strenuous. I love riding my bike, but there are very few places to do it where I live right now.

J.S.: The thought of insignificance isn't really frightening to me. It's more... overwhelming...? Not sure that's the best word either. Really, I see it as a lack of focus. It's awesome to think about from time to time, but it can cause someone to lose themselves fairly easily. And, no, nothing you said hurt me, haha. Though I guess I can see how it might rock some people's foundations.

unity: Thank you for sharing your story. It always makes me sad to hear people went through/go through something similar to me. I don't think I ever actually attempted suicide, but I had a pretty well thought out plan that involved prescribed sleeping pills. I was lucky the doc didn't actually send the script to the pharmacy... When I have been really low, I have done research on things (I'm a scientific person, it's what I do), but I almost never follow through. Either way, I do need to see a new doctor. I Just need to find someone in the area...

Thank you all again. I promise to come back in the near future to update you guys on my progress. I am going to do some homework on where the best care is local to me. In the mean time, I'm going to try and take better care of myself physically.

Hey guys. I'm not exactly new here, and I'm probably breaking a few rules by doing this, but I wanted to do this "anonymously". This is an account I created solely for this post, and, if it is against the rules to have multiple accounts open, I will promptly delete this account without delay. And if you can figure out who I am, please don't out me... please. Again, if there is a problem with me doing this, let me know, and I'll undo it immediately.

I have struggled with depression for years. I honestly couldn't say the last time I wasn't struggling on a near day-to-day basis just to get moving with my day. Getting out of bed and getting to work isn't too difficult right now; I think it has been too ingrained in my routine that it is almost second nature. But after that, I struggle to focus on the positive side of life. I have only been with my current company for about a year and am already looking for a new job, but I am getting so tired of bouncing around... but the job side of things is really only a small portion.

I have few friends where I am right now, which really isn't that big of a deal most of the time, but those that I do have are almost "stand-ins". I say this for 2 reasons: 1. These people are planning on leaving soon (as am I). and 2. We don't get along on a lot of things, and there are plenty of times I would rather be alone than deal with the friction. It's also difficult to meet new people where I am. Even with the amazing advent of the internet, it's difficult to connect with people. The people around here seem like they're from a different planet... it's kind of scary from sometimes.

I know a lot of what I have said so far seems to stem from my job and the area I live, but it goes deeper. Long before I got here, and to this day, I CONSTANTLY battle with thoughts of suicide. I can say this almost lightly now because it has been such a constant thing in my life for so long, it's akin to thinking "I'm hungry" when it gets close to lunch time. I have done so many things to combat these thoughts on my own, and I have even gone to therapy quite a few times to try to sort things out as well. I was medicated for a while, but I quite taking it for several reasons. I honestly don't think I ever will kill myself. Not that I don't not want to (I think I said that right), but I could never put my family through that trauma. I couldn't possibly imagine what it would do to my parents and brother, so I stay alive for them, and to a slightly lesser degree my friends. If I somehow knew my family would be fine with my passing (suicide or otherwise), I may be able to go through with it, but as it stands, I think I'm stuck here.

I also struggle with an existential crisis. I really have no idea what I'm living for. I try to focus in on my day-to-day life, trying to see what good things there are to be had on a smaller scale. But there is usually something that will knock me back out of focus, careening back to a distance that shows me how insignificant I am, even on a human scale. I don't believe in an afterlife, and it would be difficult to change that with conventional means. I wouldn't be able to lie to myself for long.

I'm not even sure why I'm putting this out here... really all I'm looking for is advice, I guess. I know I should probably get back into therapy, although it is really starting to get exhausting... Anyway, I'm open to almost any suggestions.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings.