IMNOTME'S PROFILE

Hey guys. I'm not exactly new here, and I'm probably breaking a few rules by doing this, but I wanted to do this "anonymously". This is an account I created solely for this post, and, if it is against the rules to have multiple accounts open, I will promptly delete this account without delay. And if you can figure out who I am, please don't out me... please. Again, if there is a problem with me doing this, let me know, and I'll undo it immediately.

I have struggled with depression for years. I honestly couldn't say the last time I wasn't struggling on a near day-to-day basis just to get moving with my day. Getting out of bed and getting to work isn't too difficult right now; I think it has been too ingrained in my routine that it is almost second nature. But after that, I struggle to focus on the positive side of life. I have only been with my current company for about a year and am already looking for a new job, but I am getting so tired of bouncing around... but the job side of things is really only a small portion.

I have few friends where I am right now, which really isn't that big of a deal most of the time, but those that I do have are almost "stand-ins". I say this for 2 reasons: 1. These people are planning on leaving soon (as am I). and 2. We don't get along on a lot of things, and there are plenty of times I would rather be alone than deal with the friction. It's also difficult to meet new people where I am. Even with the amazing advent of the internet, it's difficult to connect with people. The people around here seem like they're from a different planet... it's kind of scary from sometimes.

I know a lot of what I have said so far seems to stem from my job and the area I live, but it goes deeper. Long before I got here, and to this day, I CONSTANTLY battle with thoughts of suicide. I can say this almost lightly now because it has been such a constant thing in my life for so long, it's akin to thinking "I'm hungry" when it gets close to lunch time. I have done so many things to combat these thoughts on my own, and I have even gone to therapy quite a few times to try to sort things out as well. I was medicated for a while, but I quite taking it for several reasons. I honestly don't think I ever will kill myself. Not that I don't not want to (I think I said that right), but I could never put my family through that trauma. I couldn't possibly imagine what it would do to my parents and brother, so I stay alive for them, and to a slightly lesser degree my friends. If I somehow knew my family would be fine with my passing (suicide or otherwise), I may be able to go through with it, but as it stands, I think I'm stuck here.

I also struggle with an existential crisis. I really have no idea what I'm living for. I try to focus in on my day-to-day life, trying to see what good things there are to be had on a smaller scale. But there is usually something that will knock me back out of focus, careening back to a distance that shows me how insignificant I am, even on a human scale. I don't believe in an afterlife, and it would be difficult to change that with conventional means. I wouldn't be able to lie to myself for long.

I'm not even sure why I'm putting this out here... really all I'm looking for is advice, I guess. I know I should probably get back into therapy, although it is really starting to get exhausting... Anyway, I'm open to almost any suggestions.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings.