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DEALING WITH SOCIAL ANXIETY, AND I THINK I'M NEUROTIC
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lonestarluigi
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CloseSo one problem I've had my entire life is Social Anxiety, it may not seem like it on the internet, but really the internet is different, from real life. How I even managed to make the friends that I do have, is beyond me. Social Anxiety has ruined many possible friendships for me, and even relationships. And what's not helping is I think I'm Neurotic or something.
Most of my life, I have had bad mood swings, one second I'm happy, the next I'm so angry I want to punch a hole in the wall, the very next after that I'm depressed and feel like I'm garbage, and can't seem to be good enough for anyone, no matter how hard I try, I was just at my friends house earlier for a board game session, most of the time, I wished I wouldn't have come or get picked up early.
I had a massive, and I mean massive loss of self worth in myself today, despite making everyone laugh, I still feel like I'm not worth anything what so ever. Like they secretly hate me or something deep down inside.
I constantly have fear that something bad will happen in any situation, like the stupidest feeling like, a killer can come in my house at any time and kill me in my sleep, or a roller coaster will crash while I ride it specifically, stuff like that. Or getting fired from first job on my first day.
Any one have any tips for either of these or something like how to deal with them, Social Anxiety ruins plenty of opportunities for me, and possibly being Neurotic, isn't fun at all.
Most of my life, I have had bad mood swings, one second I'm happy, the next I'm so angry I want to punch a hole in the wall, the very next after that I'm depressed and feel like I'm garbage, and can't seem to be good enough for anyone, no matter how hard I try, I was just at my friends house earlier for a board game session, most of the time, I wished I wouldn't have come or get picked up early.
I had a massive, and I mean massive loss of self worth in myself today, despite making everyone laugh, I still feel like I'm not worth anything what so ever. Like they secretly hate me or something deep down inside.
I constantly have fear that something bad will happen in any situation, like the stupidest feeling like, a killer can come in my house at any time and kill me in my sleep, or a roller coaster will crash while I ride it specifically, stuff like that. Or getting fired from first job on my first day.
Any one have any tips for either of these or something like how to deal with them, Social Anxiety ruins plenty of opportunities for me, and possibly being Neurotic, isn't fun at all.
I don't know you or your situation, so I do not know what might be helpful for you. Remember to take what I say with a grain of salt. That being said...
If you're able to see a therapist, I think it's worth giving a shot.
Depending on your location, if you're a minor then your parents may need to be involved in the process. You could suggest the idea with a straightforward "Hey, <parent/guardian>, I have been struggling with social anxiety lately and I would like to try therapy."
If you're an adult, you may or may not have free/reduced cost healthcare options. Dealing with insurance (or a lack of it) is often difficult and frustrating, but without knowing your country or state (if in the U.S.) I can't really direct you anywhere. I, personally, am only familliar with the U.S. and California in particular.
There's no one treatment option that works for everyone. Professional therapy might not be for you! And if you've had poor experiences with it in the past or decide you don't want to fight to get it, that's okay.
There are things you can do that might help you manage anxiety on your own. A lot of therapy is about developing coping skills WITH the intent to help you manage anxiety (or all kinds of other stuff) on your own, outside of therapy.
No matter what, remember, you have a say in your medical decisions, and learning how to advocate for yourself is important to learn when you're seeking medical care. It's a good life skill in general, honestly
When dealing with any kind of mental health woe...
Learn about it! Try to see what other people do, and if their way of dealing with a particular problem might be something you can try.
You aren't alone!!! Many, many people struggle with social anxiety, mood swings, or whatever else is causing stress in your life. You can learn from other people and, if you want, try to find communities where people talk about their experiences and support each other.
Anxiety itself tends to show up in multiple ways, both physically (say, shaking hands, sweating, nausea, racing heartbeat) and mentally (specific thoughts or fears).
Oftentimes, it's easier to try and address a physical symptom than a mental one.
There are breathing exercises designed to reduce anxiety They're difficult to learn on your own, and even if you see a professional you'll probably get told "practice breathing exercises!!!" until you're sick of it... but yes, they can help.
The website I just linked has a lot of resources and advice about ways you can manage anxiety (along with sales pitches for the author's work)
There's even a section on social anxiety in particular.
You might be interested in is some of the resources provided by the National Alliance on Mental Illness (U.S. based). For starters, here's a section about living with a mental health condition. There's pages about finding a mental health professional, getting help paying for medications, relationships, work... all kinds of topics!
I'm trying not to overwhelm you with information, so I'll leave it at there for general advice, but... my strongest advice is to spend time learning about anxiety! Why it happens, how it affects the body, and ways you can try to counter those effects. Again, no matter what you experience, you aren't alone! There are other people who have had similar experiences, and have written about ways they get by in life.
A couple things I do when I'm at my computer and feeling anxious:
I keep a list of nice things for myself, and when I feel anxious I check this list! For me this includes some visual experiences like...
this website that lets you play with sand or
this OTHER website that lets you mess around with pretty fluid
I like to listen to "distracting" music, which helps keep my mind off anxious thoughts. Some people like nice, relaxing music. My personal favorite for this is the Jet Set Future OST, though I collect a lot of music that fits my personal understanding of "distracting".
These are kind of like band-aids: they won't fix the problem, but they can make it hurt less and help pass the time while I let my body chill out.
Some things I tell myself, and things I hope people remember:
Any mental illness is not a death sentence. No matter how stigmatized, you can live with it, you can manage it, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. People who make you feel ashamed of your mental health or insult you for it are not treating you kindly, and can usually fuck right off.
Feelings change over time! What seems like endless struggling will not be endless... and it's okay to have bad days. Everyone does. No matter how much you practice, no matter how hard you work, sometimes you'll have bad mental health days (or just bad days in general). Learning to accept this kind of imperfection is difficult, but important. Everyone has bad days, and everyone needs time to rest.
"Failure" is the result of an action, not a personality trait. I think you have worth! I know almost nothing about you, but you've lasted quite a few years (even if you're young!!) and that's impressive.
Even if social anxiety has ruined past friendships... it sounds like you have friends in the present! And if you made friends in the past, that is strong evidence you can make friends in the future.
There are more platitudes up my sleeve, but I sincerely mean them all. I really hope you can find something that helps you, whether it's professional therapy, medication, focusing on educating yourself, or some combination of... anything, really.
Good luck!! And if you have any questions I can try to answer them, but remember I am no professional and I'm not comfortable (or qualified--really no one is except you) telling you what to do with your life or your health. If you have something you would rather not discuss in public, I'm open to PMs (with the caveat that if I am not feeling well myself or don't want to talk about something for whatever reason, other people respect that.)
If you're able to see a therapist, I think it's worth giving a shot.
Depending on your location, if you're a minor then your parents may need to be involved in the process. You could suggest the idea with a straightforward "Hey, <parent/guardian>, I have been struggling with social anxiety lately and I would like to try therapy."
If you're an adult, you may or may not have free/reduced cost healthcare options. Dealing with insurance (or a lack of it) is often difficult and frustrating, but without knowing your country or state (if in the U.S.) I can't really direct you anywhere. I, personally, am only familliar with the U.S. and California in particular.
There's no one treatment option that works for everyone. Professional therapy might not be for you! And if you've had poor experiences with it in the past or decide you don't want to fight to get it, that's okay.
There are things you can do that might help you manage anxiety on your own. A lot of therapy is about developing coping skills WITH the intent to help you manage anxiety (or all kinds of other stuff) on your own, outside of therapy.
No matter what, remember, you have a say in your medical decisions, and learning how to advocate for yourself is important to learn when you're seeking medical care. It's a good life skill in general, honestly
When dealing with any kind of mental health woe...
Learn about it! Try to see what other people do, and if their way of dealing with a particular problem might be something you can try.
You aren't alone!!! Many, many people struggle with social anxiety, mood swings, or whatever else is causing stress in your life. You can learn from other people and, if you want, try to find communities where people talk about their experiences and support each other.
Anxiety itself tends to show up in multiple ways, both physically (say, shaking hands, sweating, nausea, racing heartbeat) and mentally (specific thoughts or fears).
Oftentimes, it's easier to try and address a physical symptom than a mental one.
There are breathing exercises designed to reduce anxiety They're difficult to learn on your own, and even if you see a professional you'll probably get told "practice breathing exercises!!!" until you're sick of it... but yes, they can help.
The website I just linked has a lot of resources and advice about ways you can manage anxiety (along with sales pitches for the author's work)
There's even a section on social anxiety in particular.
You might be interested in is some of the resources provided by the National Alliance on Mental Illness (U.S. based). For starters, here's a section about living with a mental health condition. There's pages about finding a mental health professional, getting help paying for medications, relationships, work... all kinds of topics!
I'm trying not to overwhelm you with information, so I'll leave it at there for general advice, but... my strongest advice is to spend time learning about anxiety! Why it happens, how it affects the body, and ways you can try to counter those effects. Again, no matter what you experience, you aren't alone! There are other people who have had similar experiences, and have written about ways they get by in life.
A couple things I do when I'm at my computer and feeling anxious:
I keep a list of nice things for myself, and when I feel anxious I check this list! For me this includes some visual experiences like...
this website that lets you play with sand or
this OTHER website that lets you mess around with pretty fluid
I like to listen to "distracting" music, which helps keep my mind off anxious thoughts. Some people like nice, relaxing music. My personal favorite for this is the Jet Set Future OST, though I collect a lot of music that fits my personal understanding of "distracting".
These are kind of like band-aids: they won't fix the problem, but they can make it hurt less and help pass the time while I let my body chill out.
Some things I tell myself, and things I hope people remember:
Any mental illness is not a death sentence. No matter how stigmatized, you can live with it, you can manage it, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. People who make you feel ashamed of your mental health or insult you for it are not treating you kindly, and can usually fuck right off.
Feelings change over time! What seems like endless struggling will not be endless... and it's okay to have bad days. Everyone does. No matter how much you practice, no matter how hard you work, sometimes you'll have bad mental health days (or just bad days in general). Learning to accept this kind of imperfection is difficult, but important. Everyone has bad days, and everyone needs time to rest.
"Failure" is the result of an action, not a personality trait. I think you have worth! I know almost nothing about you, but you've lasted quite a few years (even if you're young!!) and that's impressive.
Even if social anxiety has ruined past friendships... it sounds like you have friends in the present! And if you made friends in the past, that is strong evidence you can make friends in the future.
There are more platitudes up my sleeve, but I sincerely mean them all. I really hope you can find something that helps you, whether it's professional therapy, medication, focusing on educating yourself, or some combination of... anything, really.
Good luck!! And if you have any questions I can try to answer them, but remember I am no professional and I'm not comfortable (or qualified--really no one is except you) telling you what to do with your life or your health. If you have something you would rather not discuss in public, I'm open to PMs (with the caveat that if I am not feeling well myself or don't want to talk about something for whatever reason, other people respect that.)
I used to have this problem a lot before I would watch people more than I was afraid of being watched. You tend to notice that everyone has something wrong with them, and in my case, this just led me to a very deep appreciation for flaws in human beings, including myself which was great because it's way easier to see mine than other people's flaws.
Pentagon definitely has solid advice as well! Feelings are fine~<3
I believe I wrote something about this...? I was coming out of being very anxious in social situations and I realized the only thing that really needed tweaking was my perspective. In case you're curious, because I know reading how others feel helped me as well:
Pentagon definitely has solid advice as well! Feelings are fine~<3
I believe I wrote something about this...? I was coming out of being very anxious in social situations and I realized the only thing that really needed tweaking was my perspective. In case you're curious, because I know reading how others feel helped me as well:
I enter the bathroom weary.
Walking into the bathroom, I notice a large, rectangular mirror. I stop in front of it and see my reflection looking back.
My hair is overgrown and dehydrated. I hate to admit that I handle stressful situations poorly, but my body tells on me - I have premature wrinkles and long, white hairs here and there. I slouch a little, my right pectoral protrudes out more than the left, and I’m not as muscular as I’d like to be.
I’m a lot shorter than most 17-year-olds and my acne is out of control - the number of blackheads has to outnumber that of the stars in the sky. Or not. I’m probably just being dramatic. That’s what teenagers do you know.
Oh, and my eyes are a boring brown that I’ve never found too attractive. Almost forgot that.
But yeah, that’s just what I notice at the time. Imagine how much more I’d tear myself apart if not for Reflection’s interruption.
“Hey, are you okay?”
“It’s not like I don’t try,” I respond defensively.
Which is true, but only a half-truth. If I could make more time to take care of myself, I probably wouldn’t be so rough.
“It’s not that bad! Honestly, a shower and a haircut is all you really need,” Reflection encourages
“What do you mean? I look like trash! There’s no use lying to myself. Thanks for… trying though?”
“Oh, you do not look like trash. A lot of what you dislike about yourself is average at worst.”
“But, I want to look good, not average!”
“First of all,” my reflection says switching tactics, “if you were looking at anybody else you would find something attractive in them.”
“...”
“Second of all, look again!” I only see the mirror at first, and then Reflection, but then I do as I’m ordered.
I look at myself.
My hair is ruffled and the patterns in my hair dance beautifully to tell a story. “I see... “ my reflection over-acts a “HM” and reads the story, “... a teen rolling out of bed and rushing to get from class to class throughout the school day.”
In retrospect, seeing other people rushing through the halls is funny, and their determination to get to class on time despite the odds is silly and endearing.
“Just don’t forget to take care of it, okay?” my reflection puts its hand over its heart. “It’s beautiful in its own way, but that doesn’t mean you should abuse it.”
“You’re right,” I nod.
“Ooh, and look at that!” my reflection explodes, “those white hairs are really refined. You know there are people who find them cute. Same with those wrinkles,” reflection pauses and continues, “and even those tell a pretty endearing story of a cute one who cares a little too much, perhaps?”
“I’m starting to feel like you’re coming onto me,” I mention half-jokingly.
Reflection smirks but ignores me, changing the subject, “That isn’t a slouch by the way, it’s just your back muscles. They give you a pretty masculine shape along with the rest of the muscles you seem to ignore.”
Thoroughly swayed that there was worth in every part of my body, I chime in, “My acne is normal, and a common experience of humanity. That’s kind of beautiful actually! My body’s deformities are unique in one way, but a connection in another... “
“And those eyes are really great, you know. You wrote them off because they were a common brown,” Reflection notes sadly.
“That was silly,” I respond, beaming back at myself.
Strangely, I don’t see the mirror anymore.
I leave the bathroom renewed.
Walking into the bathroom, I notice a large, rectangular mirror. I stop in front of it and see my reflection looking back.
My hair is overgrown and dehydrated. I hate to admit that I handle stressful situations poorly, but my body tells on me - I have premature wrinkles and long, white hairs here and there. I slouch a little, my right pectoral protrudes out more than the left, and I’m not as muscular as I’d like to be.
I’m a lot shorter than most 17-year-olds and my acne is out of control - the number of blackheads has to outnumber that of the stars in the sky. Or not. I’m probably just being dramatic. That’s what teenagers do you know.
Oh, and my eyes are a boring brown that I’ve never found too attractive. Almost forgot that.
But yeah, that’s just what I notice at the time. Imagine how much more I’d tear myself apart if not for Reflection’s interruption.
“Hey, are you okay?”
“It’s not like I don’t try,” I respond defensively.
Which is true, but only a half-truth. If I could make more time to take care of myself, I probably wouldn’t be so rough.
“It’s not that bad! Honestly, a shower and a haircut is all you really need,” Reflection encourages
“What do you mean? I look like trash! There’s no use lying to myself. Thanks for… trying though?”
“Oh, you do not look like trash. A lot of what you dislike about yourself is average at worst.”
“But, I want to look good, not average!”
“First of all,” my reflection says switching tactics, “if you were looking at anybody else you would find something attractive in them.”
“...”
“Second of all, look again!” I only see the mirror at first, and then Reflection, but then I do as I’m ordered.
I look at myself.
My hair is ruffled and the patterns in my hair dance beautifully to tell a story. “I see... “ my reflection over-acts a “HM” and reads the story, “... a teen rolling out of bed and rushing to get from class to class throughout the school day.”
In retrospect, seeing other people rushing through the halls is funny, and their determination to get to class on time despite the odds is silly and endearing.
“Just don’t forget to take care of it, okay?” my reflection puts its hand over its heart. “It’s beautiful in its own way, but that doesn’t mean you should abuse it.”
“You’re right,” I nod.
“Ooh, and look at that!” my reflection explodes, “those white hairs are really refined. You know there are people who find them cute. Same with those wrinkles,” reflection pauses and continues, “and even those tell a pretty endearing story of a cute one who cares a little too much, perhaps?”
“I’m starting to feel like you’re coming onto me,” I mention half-jokingly.
Reflection smirks but ignores me, changing the subject, “That isn’t a slouch by the way, it’s just your back muscles. They give you a pretty masculine shape along with the rest of the muscles you seem to ignore.”
Thoroughly swayed that there was worth in every part of my body, I chime in, “My acne is normal, and a common experience of humanity. That’s kind of beautiful actually! My body’s deformities are unique in one way, but a connection in another... “
“And those eyes are really great, you know. You wrote them off because they were a common brown,” Reflection notes sadly.
“That was silly,” I respond, beaming back at myself.
Strangely, I don’t see the mirror anymore.
I leave the bathroom renewed.
Sooz
They told me I was mad when I said I was going to create a spidertable. Who’s laughing now!!!
5354
Penta, as usual, has good and smart stuff to say, so read all that. Seconding the therapy thing- it's extremely helpful to have a professional help walk you through things.
Here's a mobile app I have found useful in the past.
I'm adding some personal experience here, with the caveat that it may not work 100% for you; I dealt with my emotional issues by suppression and dissociation for years, so my coping mechanisms tend to be very strongly intellectualized.
The thing that's helped me the most in dealing with my own social anxiety and depression is sort of externalizing it- I think of it as separate from myself, an outside influence that's abusive and trying to mess with me. Any time I'm freaking out or down on myself, I take a mental step back and demand any proof that I should be feeling this way. 90% of the time, there's no good reason. (This does not dissipate the feelings, but it helps me decide whether to act on them.)
Similarly, it's a good idea to cultivate a circle of friends who you can trust to be honest with you, so any time your anxiety starts fucking with you, you can turn to someone and ask, "Hey, have I done something crap, or is my brain just being an asshole?"
A bunch of times, the problem comes from flawed base assumptions; IDK whether you're the same, but my biggest issue was figuring out that most of my anxiety came from a weird lifelong belief that I'm somehow inherently worse than other people, and therefore it would only be natural that people would hate me for doing otherwise normal things. It's pretty fruitful to follow the path of logic your brain is making- "I'm afraid of this interaction. Is there anything unusual or suspicious about it? What bad outcome do I expect from it? Is there any actual evidence that this outcome would happen? If this were happening with someone who wasn't me, would I expect that outcome?" etc.
Be open and honest that you have brain problems. Understand them, so you can explain the issue to others when you need to.
Also, DO NOT just "listen to your gut" when anxiety is all up ons. I tried that a few years back, and it took FOREVER to recover from being a barely functional shutin. You're often better off disregarding the anxiety and doing whatever you're afraid of, assuming you can't come up with a rational reason for the fear. Things get so much easier once you've gotten practice telling the anxiety to fuck off.
Again, all the stuff here will not make the anxious feelings go away- the stuff like breathing exercises and all will ease it, but in my experience, even once you've proven to yourself that there's absolutely nothing to fear, your body is still going to insist on acting like there is. You'll want to find ways to help force yourself to relax. In my case, general health stuff has been awesome for this: daily exercise, eating reasonably well, getting a decent amount of sleep, etc. You'll probably also want to lay off- or at least restrict- caffeine and other stimulants.
Some times, you just won't be able to stop the feelings, and then you're gonna need to have some way to just kind of retreat and chill until your brain stops being an asshole. For me, it's going and relaxing in the sun in private, or grabbing one of my guinea pigs and chilling with it for a while, or even just hugging a stuffed animal/pillow. Just whatever gives you some good feelings. (You may just have to declare a mental health day and put off any responsibilities in favor of playing happy video games, if it's super terrible.)
Hang in there, mang! I can def. assure you that you CAN deal with this crap life has dropped on your brain, and it WILL get better. (Especially as you age- after 30, this shit generally gets a lot easier to deal with, for some reason.)
Here's a mobile app I have found useful in the past.
I'm adding some personal experience here, with the caveat that it may not work 100% for you; I dealt with my emotional issues by suppression and dissociation for years, so my coping mechanisms tend to be very strongly intellectualized.
The thing that's helped me the most in dealing with my own social anxiety and depression is sort of externalizing it- I think of it as separate from myself, an outside influence that's abusive and trying to mess with me. Any time I'm freaking out or down on myself, I take a mental step back and demand any proof that I should be feeling this way. 90% of the time, there's no good reason. (This does not dissipate the feelings, but it helps me decide whether to act on them.)
Similarly, it's a good idea to cultivate a circle of friends who you can trust to be honest with you, so any time your anxiety starts fucking with you, you can turn to someone and ask, "Hey, have I done something crap, or is my brain just being an asshole?"
A bunch of times, the problem comes from flawed base assumptions; IDK whether you're the same, but my biggest issue was figuring out that most of my anxiety came from a weird lifelong belief that I'm somehow inherently worse than other people, and therefore it would only be natural that people would hate me for doing otherwise normal things. It's pretty fruitful to follow the path of logic your brain is making- "I'm afraid of this interaction. Is there anything unusual or suspicious about it? What bad outcome do I expect from it? Is there any actual evidence that this outcome would happen? If this were happening with someone who wasn't me, would I expect that outcome?" etc.
Be open and honest that you have brain problems. Understand them, so you can explain the issue to others when you need to.
Also, DO NOT just "listen to your gut" when anxiety is all up ons. I tried that a few years back, and it took FOREVER to recover from being a barely functional shutin. You're often better off disregarding the anxiety and doing whatever you're afraid of, assuming you can't come up with a rational reason for the fear. Things get so much easier once you've gotten practice telling the anxiety to fuck off.
Again, all the stuff here will not make the anxious feelings go away- the stuff like breathing exercises and all will ease it, but in my experience, even once you've proven to yourself that there's absolutely nothing to fear, your body is still going to insist on acting like there is. You'll want to find ways to help force yourself to relax. In my case, general health stuff has been awesome for this: daily exercise, eating reasonably well, getting a decent amount of sleep, etc. You'll probably also want to lay off- or at least restrict- caffeine and other stimulants.
Some times, you just won't be able to stop the feelings, and then you're gonna need to have some way to just kind of retreat and chill until your brain stops being an asshole. For me, it's going and relaxing in the sun in private, or grabbing one of my guinea pigs and chilling with it for a while, or even just hugging a stuffed animal/pillow. Just whatever gives you some good feelings. (You may just have to declare a mental health day and put off any responsibilities in favor of playing happy video games, if it's super terrible.)
Hang in there, mang! I can def. assure you that you CAN deal with this crap life has dropped on your brain, and it WILL get better. (Especially as you age- after 30, this shit generally gets a lot easier to deal with, for some reason.)
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