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LOOKING FOR FEEDBACK ON MY RPG'S STORYLINE
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Slashandz
740
Slashandz
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CloseHey everyone, I'm designing a very lighthearted RPG. As such, I don't need an overly dramatic story. But I still need something to tie everything together.
Here's my current ideas, can you provide some feedback?
Before the Game:
This is what happened before the game begins. It's slowly revealed each time you rescue a Maiden.
When the world was first created, the gods appointed a warlord to rule. He controlled the world with hate and rage. The gods were displeased, and sealed the warlord away, creating three peaceful Maidens to rule in his place. They ruled the earth, sky, and sea separately, but in harmony. The gods were pleased
and departed, leaving the world to grow on its own. An order of devoted clerics, the Order of Pathos, was formed to serve the Maidens.
Centuries have passed, and the Maidens continued to watch over the world. However, just recently the Grand Master of the Order received a vision: the Maidens being turned to stone. She also envisioned a young blacksmith sparing them from their fate. The Grand Master teleports a cleric to a local southern
town to search for this blacksmith.
Beginning of the Game:
The game starts with the Stasia, a young clumsy cleric girl stumbling into the house of Josh, a blacksmith and our protagonist. He agrees to accompany her to the Temple of Pathos, and the two set off. When they finally arrive, the Grand Master, Sara, informs the two of the fate of the Maidens. She begs Josh for help, and he is eventually talked into it. Josh, Stasia, and a new ally, Eric (a powerful mage who questions why he can't just solo the mission) set off to find the Maidens.
Quest for the Maidens:
The first Maiden is in the desert, which is experiencing heavy rainfall without her there to control nature. The party arrives at a small desert town where Josh used to live, gains an ally in a cocky desert bandit (in exchange for promised treasure), and eventually find the Maiden of Earth trapped in some ancient ruins.
The second Maiden is on a volcanic island to the west, which is experiencing frequent earthquakes and eruptions without her there to control nature. The party befriends a female sea captain, sales to the island, and travels into the fiery depths of the island to find the Maiden of Sea.
The final Maiden is in a city above the skies of the Plains of Densae (which are encountering snowfall due to the Maiden's absence). The party travels through a haunted library where they learn the spell to reach the sky haven, and then make their way through the city to the Maiden of Sky.
Endgame:
The Maidens are saved, the world is in harmony, but the question remains of who turned them into stone to begin with. Piecing together the stories of the Maidens, the party realizes it was the original warlord, who can now reach beyond his prision's confines. The party sails to the north and confronts the warlord, defeating him and ending his reign permanently. Lots of partying ensues.
There we have it. Loved it? Hated it? How would you improve it?
Here's my current ideas, can you provide some feedback?
Before the Game:
This is what happened before the game begins. It's slowly revealed each time you rescue a Maiden.
When the world was first created, the gods appointed a warlord to rule. He controlled the world with hate and rage. The gods were displeased, and sealed the warlord away, creating three peaceful Maidens to rule in his place. They ruled the earth, sky, and sea separately, but in harmony. The gods were pleased
and departed, leaving the world to grow on its own. An order of devoted clerics, the Order of Pathos, was formed to serve the Maidens.
Centuries have passed, and the Maidens continued to watch over the world. However, just recently the Grand Master of the Order received a vision: the Maidens being turned to stone. She also envisioned a young blacksmith sparing them from their fate. The Grand Master teleports a cleric to a local southern
town to search for this blacksmith.
Beginning of the Game:
The game starts with the Stasia, a young clumsy cleric girl stumbling into the house of Josh, a blacksmith and our protagonist. He agrees to accompany her to the Temple of Pathos, and the two set off. When they finally arrive, the Grand Master, Sara, informs the two of the fate of the Maidens. She begs Josh for help, and he is eventually talked into it. Josh, Stasia, and a new ally, Eric (a powerful mage who questions why he can't just solo the mission) set off to find the Maidens.
Quest for the Maidens:
The first Maiden is in the desert, which is experiencing heavy rainfall without her there to control nature. The party arrives at a small desert town where Josh used to live, gains an ally in a cocky desert bandit (in exchange for promised treasure), and eventually find the Maiden of Earth trapped in some ancient ruins.
The second Maiden is on a volcanic island to the west, which is experiencing frequent earthquakes and eruptions without her there to control nature. The party befriends a female sea captain, sales to the island, and travels into the fiery depths of the island to find the Maiden of Sea.
The final Maiden is in a city above the skies of the Plains of Densae (which are encountering snowfall due to the Maiden's absence). The party travels through a haunted library where they learn the spell to reach the sky haven, and then make their way through the city to the Maiden of Sky.
Endgame:
The Maidens are saved, the world is in harmony, but the question remains of who turned them into stone to begin with. Piecing together the stories of the Maidens, the party realizes it was the original warlord, who can now reach beyond his prision's confines. The party sails to the north and confronts the warlord, defeating him and ending his reign permanently. Lots of partying ensues.
There we have it. Loved it? Hated it? How would you improve it?
On a grand, sweeping level everything about your project's story sounds mind-numbingly generic and uninteresting. In case that seems cruel or unhelpful here are some more minor points although I don't believe to imply that fixing these things will fix your story.
This is a really minor point, but how does he know where the blacksmith will be? Normally VISIONS don't include like, addresses. Or is he sending clerics throughout the world to search for this blacksmith? Aren't there multiple young blacksmiths in the world? How will they know when they find "the one"?
Stasia, Eric, and Josh? One of these things is not like the others. Why not name the characters Bob, John, and Omega? : /
The Grand Master teleports a cleric to a local southern town to search for this blacksmith.
This is a really minor point, but how does he know where the blacksmith will be? Normally VISIONS don't include like, addresses. Or is he sending clerics throughout the world to search for this blacksmith? Aren't there multiple young blacksmiths in the world? How will they know when they find "the one"?
The game starts with the Stasia, a young clumsy cleric girl stumbling into the house of Josh, a blacksmith and our protagonist. He agrees to accompany her to the Temple of Pathos, and the two set off. When they finally arrive, the Grand Master, Sara, informs the two of the fate of the Maidens. She begs Josh for help, and he is eventually talked into it. Josh, Stasia, and a new ally, Eric (a powerful mage who questions why he can't just solo the mission) set off to find the Maidens.
Stasia, Eric, and Josh? One of these things is not like the others. Why not name the characters Bob, John, and Omega? : /
Slashandz
740
@Max McGee:
Two good points. I'll need to come up with some way to make Josh stand out
from the other blacksmiths. Or maybe I could make it that the other blacksmiths don't match the vision...
As for the character names, they're all named after people I know in real life.
Still, Stasia is quite a bit less common than Josh and Eric. I see what you mean.
Thanks!
Two good points. I'll need to come up with some way to make Josh stand out
from the other blacksmiths. Or maybe I could make it that the other blacksmiths don't match the vision...
As for the character names, they're all named after people I know in real life.
Still, Stasia is quite a bit less common than Josh and Eric. I see what you mean.
Thanks!
Personally, I'd like to see a twist at the end. Instead of making the warlord the big bad (as can be guessed at quite easily - being rather generic) why not make it someone that the party has had interactions with before? Someone that has a history and characterisation already built in.
Maybe a recurring NPC who had to keep being rescued during the journey is releasing the warlord to try and become more powerful? Perhaps the priestess is really the one at wrong, trying to misguidedly save lives by tapping into the Maidens' power and the maidens turning to stone was their way of protecting themselves?
I don't know, but I tend to have problems with pointing at someone who you haven't known much about beforehand, (except that they're ebil!!!) and then making them the big bad. Especially when there's not really a build up in character or it's easy to pick them out of the lineup, as it were.
Then again, it is your game. It is ultimately up to you how it plays out. Perhaps you'll do a really good job at foreshadowing (without holding the players' hand and pointing) the 'baddie' and his reasons. Hopefully so. Good luck!
Maybe a recurring NPC who had to keep being rescued during the journey is releasing the warlord to try and become more powerful? Perhaps the priestess is really the one at wrong, trying to misguidedly save lives by tapping into the Maidens' power and the maidens turning to stone was their way of protecting themselves?
I don't know, but I tend to have problems with pointing at someone who you haven't known much about beforehand, (except that they're ebil!!!) and then making them the big bad. Especially when there's not really a build up in character or it's easy to pick them out of the lineup, as it were.
Then again, it is your game. It is ultimately up to you how it plays out. Perhaps you'll do a really good job at foreshadowing (without holding the players' hand and pointing) the 'baddie' and his reasons. Hopefully so. Good luck!
post=136889
Instead of Stasia, how about Ana? Anastasia.
(yes this is old and ugly)
Slashandz
740
I thought this topic was abandoned, but I just checked back to find all of this great advice!
Thanks a lot everyone!!
For the Stasia/Anastasia/Ana name, my current idea is to introduce her as Anastasia, then have
the party start calling her Stasia for short.
And I like the idea of a familiar NPC becoming the villain. I'll need to write such a character in, but
it does sound better than an unknown evil.
If you have any other feedback, please let me know!
I'll consider everything, and try to make this RPG the best I can.
Thanks a lot everyone!!
For the Stasia/Anastasia/Ana name, my current idea is to introduce her as Anastasia, then have
the party start calling her Stasia for short.
And I like the idea of a familiar NPC becoming the villain. I'll need to write such a character in, but
it does sound better than an unknown evil.
If you have any other feedback, please let me know!
I'll consider everything, and try to make this RPG the best I can.
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1
